imrolodg

I've been with him for 4 years. He smokes cigarettes and Marijuana and drinks and I have known these things since I've met him. I was never really comfortable with the Marijuana and he knows this but it is something I can tolerat because well I'm not exactly sure of my stance on it but I prefer it than him drinking or even smoking cigs. Since we have been together he has changed in a good way. He used to be a partier and didn't tend to come home u til 2 in the morning. I am not that type of person. I don't drink or smoke or use any type of drugs andI wwasn't raised that way so it has always been a little bit of a struggle between us because he grew up in a different environment. But he has changed a lot for me, he rarely stays out so late any more or goes to parties. When he does go out he answers his phone and Iis usually home by 11. Which like I said this is a huge change for him and I really appreciate it. One night about a year ago he had come home late and I heard him in the bathroom.....and the first thing that's comes to my head is that he is snorting coke. I don't know why, I get these intuitions sometimes. I let it go and never asked him because he told me he ddidn't use any other drugs. I thought i was just being paranoid. He has a friend that deals drugs and he has to see him about once a week...usually get his Marijuana from him and food. They are close besides the drug thing but it just seemed a Lil funny why he was always desperate to see him. A couple months ago his friends wife calls me (she is a little drunk) and asks me if I knew that he did coke. I asked him what that was about and he got mad and said he didnt. I can tell when he lies to me but I let it go. Until the other night we went over there house and I'm talking to the wife and he n his friend go by the bathroom. He thinks I didn't notice but later they both sneeze and have tissues mmessing with their nose. So I ask again and he says no. So I buy a substance test and look on top of the dresser because I noticed small white dots. I gather as much as I could from different parts just hoping that I was paranoid but it showed positive for coke. I don't know how to confront him. I'mmore upset tthat he lied because I can't trust him to quit. But I love him and have been with him this far....i mean I want to marry the guy but I can't if he is going to choose drugs over me. So I need a little advice...iddon't know how to react..

Hope7726

I'm sorry. Just tell him straight up, you don't need to approach the subject nicely. It's not like you're telling him he has a foot odor problem. Be prepared for him to deny it though. Even though you have proof, he will probably still deny it.

This is serious. I know it's overwhelming and shocking right now but it will soon hit you how serious this is. It's not something to take lightly. And it's not something that you can control, no matter how hard you try.

imrolodg

The thing is that I have a feeling that he has been doing this fora while...but not often. BBecause he has a full time job and is pretty responsible with other aspects of his life. I just don't get why he does this because I'm pretty sure he doesn't take enough to be a constant user and not enough money is missing for him to be able to buy enough.

zoso77

Imrolodg,

Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you found us and took the time to post. Other members will be by to greet you and offer you support, but as is my wont when greeting new members, I've got a few things to share with you.

He already has chosen coke over you. But here's a more important question. If you know when he's lying through his teeth, why do you tolerate that? If you're uncomfortable with him doing marijuana, then why do you tolerate that?

You've caught him in a lie, and God knows how long he's been doing blow. At this moment, you have to reevaluate what your values are, and your boundaries. It's worth remembering that just because you love someone doesn't mean you should marry them. There are a lot of red flags here, and you can't ignore them anymore.

You confront him by confronting him, and that means accepting that it's going to be an extremely difficult thing to do. Chances are he's going to initially lie (again). And if he does, you've got a decision to make. You can either let it go, or you can hold firm on your values and your boundaries. And if that means you have to let him go, then that's what it means.

I encourage you to read as many posts as you can and to pay attention to the feedback our members provide you. A lot of us have been through the fire with the addicts in (or formerly in) our lives and have come out the other side in one piece. It's important for you to remember that what you want and what's best for you may be orthogonal to each other.

Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.

imrolodg

Well I confronted him...and I guess Im the fool because I am not strong enough to leave him.

zoso77

No one's calling you a fool. No one thinks that you're a fool.

What are you afraid of?

imrolodg

Zoso77, I appreciate your posts by the way, what you said was the honest truth. Im calling myself a fool....you see, he was honest when I confronted him but not in the way I expected. At first he claimed he didnt tell me because it was none of my business, that it didnt affect me any so why should I be involved. That he has been doing it casually for 20 years and has never gone passed what he limits himself to (which is about once or twice a month, and I believe him and I think that requires a lot of self control but that still doesnt justify it does it). And finally that he knew I would judge him and look at him different. Truth is that I did. I am hurt. He showed no desire to change because I was forcing him to, but if he wasnt addicted than why the fuss if I asked him to stop. The thing is that he never like to be told what to do. He never has had someone to care enough. And I saw that in his face. He was preparing himself for me to leave... I told him that I expect better from him. I am not his savior. I cant act like I can change him. Him going through the same thing over and over again is just going to enforce the way he is. So i stopped. I told him I would stay because when I said I wanted to marry this man I already made the commitment to stand next to him even through tough times.

zoso77

imrolodg,

Is this the sort of man you want to hitch your wagon to?

You know...I've been on these pages off and on for almost 3 years now. First as a member like you, and then as a community greeter since June. And what I can tell you with 100% confidence is when someone says they're not addicted to their drug of choice, they're full of sh*t.

When people come to us, they're in a very vulnerable state, some worse than others. The trauma of watching a loved one either self destruct or the trauma of being emotionally abused by the addict is, sadly, something we see here every day. What we offer here is a chance for the member to find their own way out of the darkness, and sometimes that takes a while. But in order to get out of the darkness, you have to want to get out of the darkness.

You're at a fork now, imrolodg. And it's one of those forks that can really define who and what we are. The way I see it is like this. Take it for what it's worth.

If you stay with him, you will always be wanting and always be unsatisfied. And that's because he is, in my view, an incredibly selfish person who doesn't deserve you. My guess is his neglect of you would increase. He clearly has no respect for you. And as time goes on, you will find the hole you're in deeper, and deeper, and deeper. You would feel shackled to him, and a divorce would rip you apart emotionally worse than you're feeling now.

If you leave him, it will hurt like hell. Worse than hell, in fact. You will spend all your waking moments wondering if you did the right thing, fighting the urge to call him, text him, or be with him. But if you leave him and hold firm on your decision, that means you're being true to your morals, your values, and what you expect out of a potential husband.

And it's those types of decisions that define who and what we are.

There is no avoiding pain in this life. God didn't put us on here with a guarantee that we'd never suffer. And what you need to understand is just because you love him doesn't mean he has license to emotionally abuse you or disregard your concerns. Love doesn't work like that. Relationships of any kind -- friends, lovers, siblings, parent with their children -- don't work like that. Marriage will not work unless both parties play by the same set of rules. And your ABF wants to play by his own and doesn't give a flying f*ck what you think.

And that's the truth.

I can't make you choose the direction, imrolodg. I can only share with you what I've observed and what I believe to be the truth. Before you choose the path, be honest with yourself, and be aware that either path will carry a price. That's just the way it is.

imrolodg

Thank you for your truth and your words. You are right. This isn't about him, its about me. He made his decision a long time ago before I was even part of the picture. I do not have an answer on how to get out of my own darkness. It is something that has haunted me and is far from just learning to deal with his addiction. But I am starting to realize that this is something beyond the limitations of this blog.

zoso77

Perhaps.

But you always have a choice.

Keep us posted.

gabriel01

imrolodg, I was in the same shoe 2 years ago. Things just went downhill quicker than I can handle. I thought I was strong and my love can help("change") his decision if he loved me too. That was the biggest mistake I made in my life. I was living in hell for 1.5 years.

Read more, keep posting. And more important, education yourself about addiction and what addicts do. Don't ever think he is special or your case is different than others. I made that mistake. I was just fooling myself.

jjj111

Imrolodg, when you say that your BF has "never had someone to care enough", that brings back memories for me. I dated a cocaine addict for over a year. We broke up a few years ago. But like you, for a long time I wanted to be the person in his life who would care enough to change him. I thought that if I just gave him enough love, that I could transform him into the BF I needed. But eventually I realized that my love wasn't enough to change him. I could give him love until it broke me (which it really did!), and he was still going to keep on caring about cocaine more than anything. Looking back, I realize that I ignored a lot of red flags about this guy. I ignored it when he lied to me, and cheated me out of money, because I was lonely and wanted someone in my life, and because the idea of being the one to change him made me feel special, like it proved what a loving person I was somehow. So when you tell me that your boyfriend has been lying to you about his cocaine use, and that he has managed to spin his lie as somehow your fault, because you might reject him if you knew...well, that reminds me a lot of my XBF's manipulations. My two cents: he lied because he is willing to lie to protect his addiction. This isn't about him needing more love. It's about him having a big, fat cocaine addiction that he will lie in order to protect.

AnvilheadII

I told him I would stay because when I said I wanted to marry this man I already made the commitment to stand next to him even through tough times.

while fit for a romantic movie scene, in real life you have NO IDEA the hell you could be commiting yourself to by making the above statement. he has done and continues to do drugs the entire time you've known him - and long before that. he's doing a lot more coke than you imagine, if he's bringing it home and doing it on the dresser or the bathroom counter or whatever. he's not "just" doing a couple lines when offered.

just because he is still getting to work doesn't mean his drug use is not a problem. here's the thing - HE DOESN'T WANT TO QUIT.

thing is that he never like to be told what to do. He never has had someone to care enough. And I saw that in his face.

what you saw was an addict being confronted about their using and making ready to LEAVE the situation. the only thing he cares about is YOU getting off HIS back - and you just gave him the golden ticket, basically saying you won't leave no matter what he does....

so be prepared for a lot more late nights...and a lot of white stuff on the counters...and money flying out of the account. and don't be one bit surprised if he turns on you, yells and stomps off. or if he pushes it and starts hooking up with other women. it's all part of the package, especially if the gf just says yes dear, do what you want, i'm not leaving.

zoso77

^
|
|
|
|

Imrolodg, you may want to pay attention to AnvilHead...

hopeful4

Ditto to Anvil. Prayers to you.

imrolodg

I understand what everyone is saying. I understand the worst case scenario or the inevitable as Anvil described....but im a bit ocd about things, especially when I do not know the answers..but here are the things I know...
1. He suffers through depression. I knew this from the moment i met him and maybe that should have been a red flag.
2. I have access to his accounts, I know how much money is being spent and how much money he takes out cash.
3. I have been with him for 4 years and lived with him for a little over a year, and since i have asked him to stop going out so late he has drastically improved.
4. He goes out without me maybe about once a week or once every 2 weeks....and comes home later than 12 maybe about once a month. Of those times ive probably noticed he is high off cocaine maybe 5 times in the year ive lived with him. I know when he is drunk, high off weed, high off the combo of weed and cocaine because he acts exclusively different in each.
5. The reason i tested residue is because he did cocaine while i was present and thought i woundt notice or be able to realize thats what he was doing. I had a feeling when something was a little off. but the residue i tested was very minimal maybe about 5 or 6 specs. I would rather him do it in front of me because I wouldnt feel like i was being lied to.
6. he told me he does cocaine because it is a distraction.
7. after our initial fight he was very remorseful and ashamed....he hasnt been high in my presence since then
8. I know he isnt going to stop completely
9. I am not going to leave him, but i cant ignore it and that is where i am stumped.
He has never stolen from me, he has never abused me, he has given me money more times than ive given him. He has a full time job that he succeeds in and gets payed more than me.
He gets up every morning and does more chores around the house than i do.
He has never been good with bills but he lets me take care of his accounts so everything gets paid on time. He pays the rent. He takes out maybe 40 or 50 cash a month, and i know at least half goes on weed because he does that in front of me. There is no missing money to explain high volume usage and actually between the last argument and now he hasnt taken out cash. I know he is ashamed of his habbits, and I know its kind of gotten him into a depression bout. Which I also think may be a symptom of him not using it. But he is a good man. yes maybe a man with an addiction, but it hasnt been one that has affected me until i made it my business. And I think if I keep pressing it, it will only make him want to use more and aggrevate the situation as well as his life.

I know none of this justifies what he is doing. I know the facts show that he will worsen and that my heart will be broken. I know I am not his savior, me leaving isnt going to fix him and neither is me staying, but I also know that there is a Savior. So for now I am just going to support him and wait. I can risk my heart breaking if there is even a slight chance that he will get better. He hasnt said anything but I have one of those feelings that today is going to be a night he wants to go out after work...which i imagine he will use....so we shall see how this goes...

zoso77

And yet, you're going to stay with him.

What's in this for you?

imrolodg

I have been hurt by people who love me and I loved very deeply.
I forgave them.
Him choosing cocaine over me goes nowhere near the heartbreak I have suffered. I too deal with depression/anxiety. I deal with it in my own ways (none of which include substance abuse) but I have not had what i call an "episode" since I got serious with him. He genuinely makes me happy.

I do not depend on him to make me happy, but why would I sacrifice something so valuable...
It seems just like a spiral of bad choices...but these choices kept me alive.

zoso77

I've been hurt by people I love, too. Badly. One of them I still have to deal with on a professional level from time to time. The other led me here three years ago.

In the case of the former, I've iced her because she simply doesn't deserve me in her life. I can tell you she doesn't like it one bit. Well, too bad.

In the case of the latter, she's both a Borderline and an addict, and I threw down a hard boundary and moved on and prospered without her.

We all get hurt from time to time. Life still goes on. We either pick ourselves up on the floor, or we stay stuck.

But, I can't stop you from shortchanging yourself. Because that's what your doing. Basically, what you're saying is it's OK for him to put cocaine before you, and then you're trying to rationalize this decision because he "makes you happy".

Well, where do you draw the line? What are your boundaries?

lucky236

His addiction is cocaine
Your addiction is him
This is the classic case of an addict/codependent relationship
In the long run it just doesnt work and pretty soon your happiness will wear off because the doc always is and will be more important than anything else.