imrolodg

I actually completely agree with you lucky236.

Zoso I cannot escape the people who hurt me, and they were not lovers. I have read through some of your posts and your advice is right on. I know you have been hurt and your wisdom comes from that. You have experienced it so it is real. All I am giving is excuses. Thats all anyone ever really gives until they experience the pain themselves. And if I were to give advice to someone else I might say exactly what you are saying. But why cant I pay attention to it myself? I know the answer to it but I ignore it because living a fantasy is much easier than dealing with reality. How do I think this will play out?
option 1. He will use, I will confront him, he will use, I will confront him, he will use i will confront him,then he will finally do something stupid, i will confront him, i leave, i forgive him, he will use. He will pass away. I will be devastated.
option 2. he will use. I do not confront him. we find some happiness because of my wonderful ability to ignore my own emotions. he passes away. i will be devastated.
option 3. He will use. I leave. He will continue his life. I will continue mine and it will take time to heal but I will survive with a whole in my heart that i tore out myself because of all that I put in already. I would not be able to replace that place for him for a long time until I realize my own worth. He will pass away. I will be devastated.
option 4. I pass away. (and no not by my own doing)

zoso77

Because your fear of losing him is overpowering your reason.

ladyscribbler

Kind of concerned that all your scenarios end in one of you dying. I think that some part of you is thriving on all the drama this relationship generates. Life is not a soap opera. Death is not a romantic ending to a doomed relationship.
Are you seeking any type of support outside of SR? Counseling, therapy, Naranon, Alanon?
Your thought process seems distorted by all that you have been through. I grew up in a chaotic, abusive alcoholic home. It distorted my sense of normalcy for many years. Alanon and individual therapy have helped me to understand that I don't have to live that way unless I choose to do so.

lucky236

I predict that your depression and anxiety will get worse if you continue to let his situation gets to you.

imrolodg

zoso77

Drowning lows? Quick highs?

Are you Bipolar?

imrolodg

ladyscribbler... yes I need help to deal with some issues...I have tried in some senses. some succeeded others not so much. The reason however i end with passing has more to do with the fact that he is much older than me. Biologically speaking he will pass much sooner than I would like and that is a fear I have...which im not going to lie is one that influences my decisions as well.

imrolodg

lol no it would explain alot.....that was referring to him

lucky236

I just feel like no matter which scenario will play out you will be devastated but to continue life in fear for what happens tomorrow to him is absurd. We all have to die one day and if he made the choice to speed up his death thats the decision he made. Your constant love or monitoring his actions will not save him from his demise nor is it healthy for you either.

ladyscribbler

Biologically speaking, anyone can die at anytime. I was 29 in Iraq I saw people 10 years younger than I was die horrible, violent deaths. Now I'm 36 and they'll be 19 forever.
I don't think I deserved to live any more than they did. I was just lucky. Life is too precious to waste waiting on someone else to die so you don't have to feel guilty about leaving them.
Please get some support for yourself. When you start your recovery you'll be able to see things more clearly and make healthier choices.

lucky236

When my ex was on heroin he threatened suicide many times if I leave him, well I left him and guess what he's still alive. I'm the one with a chronic illness from all the stress and chaos he put me through. And to top it off he has no empathy for what Im dealing with right now. Addicts are selfish, you can be on your deathbed and the only thing hes thinking of is his next fix.

imrolodg

Its not about feeling guilty of leaving him. If I left, he would be fine. Hurt, but he would survive. He wouldnt kill himself...at least not because of me. I may not be thinking rationally, but are there any stories of people who stayed with addicts that actually were successful in recovery? I mean I know an addict will always be an addict but why is the first response always to leave before you get hurt. What about those who cant leave. Those who have sons or daughters or mothers or fathers. Those who have families. He is my family. People are telling me to leave because I will get hurt. but all that would do us just make it easier for me not to go through heartbreak and pain. But Im not worried about me. And im not saying giving in to abuse but I am not being abused, i am not being mistreated, i am not being stolen from, he still shows care for me. He still listens to me, he still supports me. In a moment of anger he said things and I said things and yes of course he is going to try to hide things to cover up the shame, but it appears that he has at least has not used since i confronted him.....is it always just false hope?