Hope7726

Hi. I won't get in to extensive detail but my recovering addict boyfriend hasn't been seen or heard from since Monday of last week. It's obvious he relapsed - he told me he would stop by my house that night after his meeting but then he stopped returning my texts. At the same time he told his mother (who he has been living with) he was out watching MNF with NA people and would be home late. Then told her he was staying at my house. I realized after speaking with him for the last time that evening that he had stolen money from me when he left my house that morning. He had been in recovery since mid-August and before that he had been sober for more than 8 years.

I know this is something addicts do sometimes. They feel shame, don't want to face the consequences of their actions, just want to use and not deal with reality. His mom said many years ago before he got clean he would disappear for weeks at a time and always show up again when the money ran out. She is insistent on not calling the police. She hasn't called any hospitals but she checks online everyday to see if he has been arrested or is at the morgue. We do not believe he has photo ID on him, maybe not even a wallet, debit card, nothing. He does have his car and his mother is on the title. I have checked the city impound and traffic ticket websites and there are no records of his car.

I am sick over this and don't know what to do. I keep envisioning every worst case scenario and I am so afraid he is dead. After this experience I am ready to leave the relationship but without knowing where he is I feel stuck in this mess. I have not driven around looking for him but his mom has some. We don't know any of the people he uses with and no contact info on any NA people. His mom knows some places he used to frequent years ago and did drive around there. We know we cannot force him to get help, we just want to know he is alive. She is worried too but seems to think the best thing to do is nothing.

I guess I just need some reassurance that I am doing the right thing, advice perhaps if I am not doing the right thing, stories, anything. Thank you.

lonelynn

I'm so sorry. I wish I had words of wisdom but I don't...all I can offer are my prayers.🙏

9111111

I'm sorry for what you are going through. In those kinds of situations it helps to call the police to file a missing person report and let professionals handle the crisis, especially when the person appears to be suicidal and / or a risk for themselves or others. The police in my city has always been really great and helpful.
I have been in your situation and know that the anxiety and felt helplesness can be devastating. Do you have people to support you these days? Dealing with a missing person can do serious harm to your psyche (as complex PTSD).

Firefall

I don't mean to sound harsh take it for what it is worth and leave the rest.
Buy new door locks and rejoice....

zoso77

Hope,

If you intend to leave the relationship (a decision that I support, BTW), then I see no reason to not call the police. You don't have to answer to his mother.

Have you thought out what you're going to do if they find him and he comes to you begging to take him back?

Ann

Sadly, this is not uncommon. He planned this by stealing money from you and he is most likely on a drug run. ..and you won't hear from him until he is done or out of money.

It's up to you how long you want to live like this but if you were my daughter, I would suggest you cut your losses and ties to a relationship that includes active drug addiction. It's an ugly, frightening way to live.

Good luck, I hope you have family support to help you through this.

Hugs

jadealexander

I have been in an on and off similar situation for the past year. I won't give any relationship advice bc you can hear all the advice but your decision is all that matters. I was lucky enough that if I didn't know where he was then his family did and vice versa. He most likely is okay but using and doesn't want to stop yet. You can worry or not worry neither will decide his actions. You cannot do or say anything.

story74

I am so sorry for the pain you are in. It hurts.

It is so easy to say leave him. In fact, that is my suggestion. Shut the door and move on. This advice is coming from a woman who was married and abandoned with a 3yr old by a cocaine addict. I was with my guy for @ 15ish years. He has disappeared 3 times, and currently by be on his 4th time. One of these times he was gone for a year and half and then ran into some legal/money troubles and went to stay with his mom. He told her what she wanted to hear and tried (sortof), but towards the end of the time of his stay with her, I could tell he was on his way back to drugs. Next week, he will have only seen his child 1 time, supervised, for 1 hour in 2 years. We haven't heard from him in almost 2 weeks. he knew my son was sick and hasn't called. Oh, and the child support of course stopped. His mom is no longer telling him what to do...or whipping his bottom. EVERYONE on here, including myself know that I need to change my number. My biggest fear is doing something illegal that would give him rights to our son. I'm broke and can't afford a lawyer. But, my child and I promised each other this is the last time. Bottom line, I know what to do, but I am scared of the legal ramifications. If I had the court on my side, my number would be changed. Currently, I am at a crossroads.

Is this the life you want? If you are just boyfriend and girlfriend, think of your future. Do you want kids? DO you want a family? There are so many warning signs I missed. And as much as I loved him (and still do...crazy!..he cheated) he is so selfish. I never really realized how selfish he was, but I see it now. Clearly.

You have no strings. Move on. Yes, WAY easier said than done, but just think about your future.

Hope7726

Thank you so much everyone. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. No question - I am done with him. He isn't who I thought he was and I am so disgusted by the recent choices he made I couldn't even look him in the face right now. I have worked too hard on myself to let a heroin addict bring me down.

jadealexander

If u are 100% done. And you have no ties to him then change your number lose contact with his family and move forward with your life. Bc this may be the first time but it won't be the last something like this happens s

Ann

You are very wise. Detaching from him doesn't mean you don't care or don't wish him recovery and better choices ahead...it just means that you no longer will be a victim of his addiction and behaviour (stealing) and that you care about yourself enough to know you are worthy of a beautiful life without drama and chaos.

Too many times I listened to my son's remorse, to his "I can't do it if you all give up on me" and all the guilt cards that tugged at my heart. The truth is that he can only do it himself, and sometimes all the options need to be exhausted before they will try.

mistyeye

My ABF left 2 weeks ago. Havent heard one word from him. He is a meth user. He started up again 4 months ago. He said he had stopped but I guess he didn't. He left me and our 10 month old son with nothing. I am still devastated. Someone who says they love you more than anything and wants to spend their life with you and then POOF gone. I have never dealt with this before. I also check to see if he has been arrested everyday. It is getting easier knowing that that was his choice. He wanted drugs more than us. I miss him but the person who did leave wasnt him it was the addiction. I dont know if he will ever show back up or try to contact me. All I can say is just stay strong and keep expressing your feelings. I believe its ok to feel sad, angry, and scared. You are not alone.