Will he come back
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Hesperia, CA
Posts: 26
Will he come back
My bf was doing meth 5 months ago and then said he quit. He said he loved me and our 10 month old son and wouldnt do it anymore. 2 weeks ago he left to get cigs and never came back. I have texted and called and he never answers. His mom turned his phone off so now I cant do that anymore. I think he is using again or really never stopped. We were happy. We had stress with money and jobs but who doesnt. I am heart broken he ditched us and left us nothing. Do you think he will come back.? Should I just prepare myself to raise this little man by myself? I have never gone through this before. I am scared for him and sad for us. I just want to know he is ok.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Misty,
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry that you're going through this, but I'm also happy and grateful that you both found us and took the time to post.
Others will be by to greet you over the next day or so, but as is my wont when greeting newcomers to our little corner of SR, I've got some thoughts I'd like to share.
We have a member here named Ann, who's been around a long time and is quite wise, and one of the things she talks about from time to time is "strangely wrapped gifts". May I suggest that your boyfriend leaving may be one of them.
It may not feel that way. When someone tells us they love us and then they're inexplicably gone the next day, that is a royal mindf*ck of the worst kind. But what you need to understand, Misty, is he's sick. And even if he didn't leave, he is in no condition to be both a responsible, accountable romantic partner or a parent to a 10 month old child. My guess is he never stopped using, and he left because he cannot handle the responsibilities that were on his plate.
It happens quite often. We have had members with stories that are similar to yours. Some have recovered quite nicely. And others are still in the process of healing. What you need to understand at this moment, Misty, is you can get through this. But it will require accepting that he's gone. In time, as you read a lot of posts, you will come to appreciate that addicts in active addiction are not equipped to deal with the responsibilities of day-to-day life. They're too busy destroying themselves to care about girlfriends, or children.
In any event, you can get through this, and if you allow us to, we'll walk with you as your begin the process of healing and recovering. Your son needs you to be strong.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry that you're going through this, but I'm also happy and grateful that you both found us and took the time to post.
Others will be by to greet you over the next day or so, but as is my wont when greeting newcomers to our little corner of SR, I've got some thoughts I'd like to share.
My bf was doing meth 5 months ago and then said he quit. He said he loved me and our 10 month old son and wouldnt do it anymore. 2 weeks ago he left to get cigs and never came back. I have texted and called and he never answers. His mom turned his phone off so now I cant do that anymore. I think he is using again or really never stopped. We were happy. We had stress with money and jobs but who doesnt. I am heart broken he ditched us and left us nothing. Do you think he will come back.? Should I just prepare myself to raise this little man by myself? I have never gone through this before. I am scared for him and sad for us. I just want to know he is ok.
It may not feel that way. When someone tells us they love us and then they're inexplicably gone the next day, that is a royal mindf*ck of the worst kind. But what you need to understand, Misty, is he's sick. And even if he didn't leave, he is in no condition to be both a responsible, accountable romantic partner or a parent to a 10 month old child. My guess is he never stopped using, and he left because he cannot handle the responsibilities that were on his plate.
It happens quite often. We have had members with stories that are similar to yours. Some have recovered quite nicely. And others are still in the process of healing. What you need to understand at this moment, Misty, is you can get through this. But it will require accepting that he's gone. In time, as you read a lot of posts, you will come to appreciate that addicts in active addiction are not equipped to deal with the responsibilities of day-to-day life. They're too busy destroying themselves to care about girlfriends, or children.
In any event, you can get through this, and if you allow us to, we'll walk with you as your begin the process of healing and recovering. Your son needs you to be strong.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 57
I'm sorry you are having a hard time. My XABF's DOC was heroin, but about 6 months ago he started alternating that with Meth. I noticed that when on Meth, his behavior was extremely random and fragmented. I often found myself scratching my head wondering what happened. He would tell me how much he loved me and how he wanted to make things right, then he too would literally fall off the face of the earth. I'm not an expert on Meth, but from what I've observed, addicts typically go on benders for several days, during which they don't sleep and their behavior becomes more and more erratic. I agree with Zoso77 that it may be a blessing in disguise that you and your baby aren't being exposed to this chaos directly.
That being said, it doesn't make it any easier to understand. I've learned that addicts rarely behave logically/rationally. My XABF's behavior and choices were ass-backwards but as zoso said, they are not capable of being a good BF or father. His addiction is about his inner demons, and his unwillingness to deal with them, and until he decides he wants to kick his habit, he will likely repeat similar behaviors over and over again. For your sanity, and your son's well-being try to focus on yourself.
It's hard to envision life without them, and while their actions and emotions tend to be erratic, our love for them doesn't change so quickly. I know how much it hurts to wonder where they are, what they are doing, whether you will ever see them again, etc, and it will come and go. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, and try to accept the situation for what it is. He may come back, in fact, that's what makes this so hard for most of us because they come back promising the world, and we believe them because we love them, only to be disappointed and hurt all over again. Try to focus on what you want for yourself and your child.
That being said, it doesn't make it any easier to understand. I've learned that addicts rarely behave logically/rationally. My XABF's behavior and choices were ass-backwards but as zoso said, they are not capable of being a good BF or father. His addiction is about his inner demons, and his unwillingness to deal with them, and until he decides he wants to kick his habit, he will likely repeat similar behaviors over and over again. For your sanity, and your son's well-being try to focus on yourself.
It's hard to envision life without them, and while their actions and emotions tend to be erratic, our love for them doesn't change so quickly. I know how much it hurts to wonder where they are, what they are doing, whether you will ever see them again, etc, and it will come and go. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, and try to accept the situation for what it is. He may come back, in fact, that's what makes this so hard for most of us because they come back promising the world, and we believe them because we love them, only to be disappointed and hurt all over again. Try to focus on what you want for yourself and your child.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
I am an addict and just came across your thread. The unfortunate tone to so many threads I see on here is the loved one of an addict wanting so bad for their significant other to magically recover and come back to them that they are basically blinded by the few good qualities left in their addict. I see stories where I read them and say who would even want to be around an A*HOLE like that, but they just don't see it. It is not their fault they are grasping at straws thinking their lives could never be the same without this person, but let me tell you YOU DESERVE BETTER. So many if not all of the loved ones on here deserve better. I guess it is the fear of the unknown or losing this so called comfort they have with this person, but honestly what kind of comfort is there living with an addict? Your life is completely unpredictable and when we are talking about someone in active addiction FORGET ABOUT IT!
So the question Do you think he will come back? Honestly I hope not and in the state he is in Who Cares Anyway???
I hope your boyfriend is okay, but honestly do you want him to be the father figure to your son? Again just my opinion, but from an addicts perspective (luckily with 2 1/2 years sober at this point) he doesn't deserve to be a father. Just because someone can make a baby does not mean they are prepared to raise a baby and unfortunately for you you are learning that the hard way. Who disappears for 2 weeks without a word with a 10 month old? It is so sick and wrong on so many levels. If I were you I would be trying to figure out ways to get as far away from this man as you can. Make sure he can't see his son - maybe it will get him sober and maybe it won't, but at least you can look back and say I did everything I could to protect my child.
I know I say it like it is easy and it is NOT, but I am an addict and have been around addicts and based on what you have told us he is far far far away from getting sober. He is a danger to that child and it is sad, but it is the truth. Take care of that baby and take care of yourself!
So the question Do you think he will come back? Honestly I hope not and in the state he is in Who Cares Anyway???
I hope your boyfriend is okay, but honestly do you want him to be the father figure to your son? Again just my opinion, but from an addicts perspective (luckily with 2 1/2 years sober at this point) he doesn't deserve to be a father. Just because someone can make a baby does not mean they are prepared to raise a baby and unfortunately for you you are learning that the hard way. Who disappears for 2 weeks without a word with a 10 month old? It is so sick and wrong on so many levels. If I were you I would be trying to figure out ways to get as far away from this man as you can. Make sure he can't see his son - maybe it will get him sober and maybe it won't, but at least you can look back and say I did everything I could to protect my child.
I know I say it like it is easy and it is NOT, but I am an addict and have been around addicts and based on what you have told us he is far far far away from getting sober. He is a danger to that child and it is sad, but it is the truth. Take care of that baby and take care of yourself!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Hesperia, CA
Posts: 26
thank you marcus. sometimes we need a person to tells us the truth. i do need to protect this baby. So even though i have that empty space in mt heart it wil be feeled again with someone me and my son deserve.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Misty, meth is a terrible drug and sadly the entire situation usually gets much worse before it ever gets better. Meth causes delusions of danger and can make being around an active meth addict very dangerous...for you and for your child.
I am so sorry this is all happening in your life and sorry for the terrible pain you must feel, not knowing what to do or what the future may hold.
The kindest, and maybe wisest, thing I can say is to move forward with your child and find a way to provide a safe, secure environment for both of you. If you have family that can help, please call on them. Don't let shame stop you, there is no shame in doing what you need to do to be safe.
My prayers go out for you and your child.
Hugs
I am so sorry this is all happening in your life and sorry for the terrible pain you must feel, not knowing what to do or what the future may hold.
The kindest, and maybe wisest, thing I can say is to move forward with your child and find a way to provide a safe, secure environment for both of you. If you have family that can help, please call on them. Don't let shame stop you, there is no shame in doing what you need to do to be safe.
My prayers go out for you and your child.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
This is horrible and I am so sorry you are going through this. Especially with a baby. When my BF relapsed last week and took off, I was really sad about the whole thing. People told me I needed to realize what a POS he is get mad. I am only starting to do that now and wow, I feel really duped. Deceived. Betrayed. Victimized. Angry. Think about it that way. I know some people may argue that is not productive but I think it is. This person up and left you and HIS CHILD for meth! How effed up is that?! What a sick person he is and thank god he is not in your house with the baby, endangering both of you.
Do you really want a future with him? Imagine this happening to you at any time for the rest of your life. I was scared for my BF up until yesterday when my therapist talked some sense into me. These guys CHOSE this. They weren't kidnapped. I am putting the focus back on myself now. Picking up the pieces and feeling like I dodged a bullet. I suggest you seek counseling of some sort, go to Nar-Anon or Alanon meetings if you have any near you. Good luck. Please take care of yourself and your son.
Do you really want a future with him? Imagine this happening to you at any time for the rest of your life. I was scared for my BF up until yesterday when my therapist talked some sense into me. These guys CHOSE this. They weren't kidnapped. I am putting the focus back on myself now. Picking up the pieces and feeling like I dodged a bullet. I suggest you seek counseling of some sort, go to Nar-Anon or Alanon meetings if you have any near you. Good luck. Please take care of yourself and your son.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Hesperia, CA
Posts: 26
Thank you for all you kind words and reality check. I just found out he was supposedly on his way back home last night but never showed. Down deep i am relieved. I don't know how strong I would be if he showed up and promised he wouldn't do it again. I can not relive the pain and abandonment he made me feel when he left. So sad but I do hope he doesn't come back till I am strong enough to tell him we don't need him and his addictive ways. I pray to God to give me strength. He is already healing me. Even when I have a bad moment. Thank you to all.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: huntsville ar
Posts: 39
Run....Im so sorry. I know to well what meth can do,! Been going through it for years. After being with my AH for 28 yrs he decides to use meth for 5 yrs now. All i can say is get out before u lose everything u have n love.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 45
Going through the same thing
Hi Misty
My boyfriend left 2 weeks ago yesterday so I know what you are feeling. I I spoke to him a week ago and I know hes using heroin again. I had no idea that is was going on while I was in the middle of it but since he has left I have thought about a lot and things are now adding up. I knew something was going on but I had no idea it was drugs again.
I know you are heartbroken and just want him to be safe and I pray every minute that my boyfriend is ok. We cant do anything but that.
I understand how you feel that you were glad he never showed up the other night. Sometimes I think about how will I respond when/if my boyfriend knocks on the door and sometimes I think I will just cry from being happy to see him and other times I wonder if I want to open the door at all.
Addiction sucks but all I can tell you is that I just take it hour by hour- sometimes minute by minute and I just try to keep busy. I let myself cry when I have to and then I move on and do something else.
I do know that if he does come back that he must be ready to get better. And if that's not an option for him then I am not an option either. He tried to take his recovery into his own hands last year when he relapsed and obviously we see how that turned out. you have to set boundaries for you and your son.
I don't have any kids with my boyfriend but I can tell you that I think your son should be the only thing that matters. I would not trust my boyfriend about a baby in the condition I am sure he is in right now. I think you should just take care of your son and give him the life he deserves. The father made his bed and now he should lie in it....alone.
Sorry for such a long reply , keep me posted if he comes back and feel free to send me a private message if you want to talk.
My boyfriend left 2 weeks ago yesterday so I know what you are feeling. I I spoke to him a week ago and I know hes using heroin again. I had no idea that is was going on while I was in the middle of it but since he has left I have thought about a lot and things are now adding up. I knew something was going on but I had no idea it was drugs again.
I know you are heartbroken and just want him to be safe and I pray every minute that my boyfriend is ok. We cant do anything but that.
I understand how you feel that you were glad he never showed up the other night. Sometimes I think about how will I respond when/if my boyfriend knocks on the door and sometimes I think I will just cry from being happy to see him and other times I wonder if I want to open the door at all.
Addiction sucks but all I can tell you is that I just take it hour by hour- sometimes minute by minute and I just try to keep busy. I let myself cry when I have to and then I move on and do something else.
I do know that if he does come back that he must be ready to get better. And if that's not an option for him then I am not an option either. He tried to take his recovery into his own hands last year when he relapsed and obviously we see how that turned out. you have to set boundaries for you and your son.
I don't have any kids with my boyfriend but I can tell you that I think your son should be the only thing that matters. I would not trust my boyfriend about a baby in the condition I am sure he is in right now. I think you should just take care of your son and give him the life he deserves. The father made his bed and now he should lie in it....alone.
Sorry for such a long reply , keep me posted if he comes back and feel free to send me a private message if you want to talk.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 65
Hi Misty & Lily, just wanted to tell you both I'm going through the same thing. My girlfriend disappeared for over a week last month, came back, promises of going to treatment. She Walked Away from treatment when she was about to get in last week and has disappeared again. Her doc is Heroin. This is nuts, and I go from complete rage to complete devastation in a matter of hours. This is so painful. And how dare they walk the hell out of life. I know she is very sick and I forgive her for that, but this is no way to live. It's horrendous. I will never get how the thought of being without drugs is scarier than losing EVERYTHING ELSE. Sending hugs, hanging on by a string...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Hi Misty,
It is so difficult when we love someone so much, and then they do something like this. Other members can tell us nonstop what a jerk this person is, but deep down we still love our partner. I guess it will all depend on when you hit your bottom with this person. From what I am sensing, you have not hit your bottom yet with this person, and that is okay. Good luck!!!
It is so difficult when we love someone so much, and then they do something like this. Other members can tell us nonstop what a jerk this person is, but deep down we still love our partner. I guess it will all depend on when you hit your bottom with this person. From what I am sensing, you have not hit your bottom yet with this person, and that is okay. Good luck!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 45
Many different feelings
tangerinepuddle- I know how you feel. Some moments I am pissed that my boyfriend stole from me and disappeared on me. And then I have moments where I cant believe he left me to go hang out and do drugs.
Mostly I am scared that I don't know where he is and if hes ok.
Heres some things I have learned and heres how I feel about what is going on ( since I cant ask him)
I don't think my boyfriend wants to be like this and I am sure your girlfriend doesn't either. They get sucked into this world and cant get out of it until they hit rock bottom or from what I have read the money and the drugs run out. They feel ashamed of who they become, my boyfriend relapsed last year and he said he hated me seeing him like that.
I don't know how to do the quotes on here but you said you don't understand how they would rather be using and give up everything then be clean and I don't understand it either but its because we don't have this addiction they have. Heroin changes how they think to the point where all they care about is the next high.
I think the reason they both walked out is from feeling shame of using behind our backs and lying to us. Maybe your girlfriend left because she wasn't ready for treatment yet and didn't know how to tell you.
I think its easier for them to use then to be clean and sober.
If you need to talk send me a private message I am here for you. I will keep you and your girlfriend in my thoughts and who knows maybe they will both come home soon. Just remember to not give up on your own life. Be angry when you need to and cry when you need to but then try to do something to distract yourself from the situation even if its for a few moments.
Take care and be strong.
Mostly I am scared that I don't know where he is and if hes ok.
Heres some things I have learned and heres how I feel about what is going on ( since I cant ask him)
I don't think my boyfriend wants to be like this and I am sure your girlfriend doesn't either. They get sucked into this world and cant get out of it until they hit rock bottom or from what I have read the money and the drugs run out. They feel ashamed of who they become, my boyfriend relapsed last year and he said he hated me seeing him like that.
I don't know how to do the quotes on here but you said you don't understand how they would rather be using and give up everything then be clean and I don't understand it either but its because we don't have this addiction they have. Heroin changes how they think to the point where all they care about is the next high.
I think the reason they both walked out is from feeling shame of using behind our backs and lying to us. Maybe your girlfriend left because she wasn't ready for treatment yet and didn't know how to tell you.
I think its easier for them to use then to be clean and sober.
If you need to talk send me a private message I am here for you. I will keep you and your girlfriend in my thoughts and who knows maybe they will both come home soon. Just remember to not give up on your own life. Be angry when you need to and cry when you need to but then try to do something to distract yourself from the situation even if its for a few moments.
Take care and be strong.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Blast from the past. Weird seeing some of your (meaning my) old posts. Thinking back to where you were at during that time and do you still feel that way. Doesn't look like Mistyeye has posted for 11 months. Hopefully all is well - especially with her 10 month old (now coming up on 2 years). Addiction just blows (understatement of the year).
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 1
My husband of 20 years has been MIA for 4 weeks. No one supposedly has seen him, his work won't answer my calls, it's like he just dropped off the face of the earth. He started using meth while working out of town this year. He went MIA 4th of July weekend but came home, did it again two weeks later now this. I found numbers on the phone logs that I googled that were from Backpage.com, so I know what he was up to.
I hate that I cry at night and leave my window open, hoping I hear him using his keys to unlock the door. His mom claims she hasn't seen him but came and got all his clothes. It feels like he's never coming back
I hate that I cry at night and leave my window open, hoping I hear him using his keys to unlock the door. His mom claims she hasn't seen him but came and got all his clothes. It feels like he's never coming back
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