Worst night of my life
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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Zoso77
You are very wise. We met with my son yesterday, my ex an I. We mentioned the military and for once he seemed to kind of nod his head. He is still not home with anyone. His refuses to go to his dads and he cant follow rules here. It definitely didn't go how I wanted it to go. He had a huge bloody gash out of the side of his waste from being tackled by the store worker when he tried stealing an Playstation 4. He also got arrested. So sad. He's just not at that point of saying he needs help and wants to quit. He says he can do it on his own. Yeah right. My heart was broken that he was not broken yet and ready to rebuild his life. I just continue to pray.
You are very wise. We met with my son yesterday, my ex an I. We mentioned the military and for once he seemed to kind of nod his head. He is still not home with anyone. His refuses to go to his dads and he cant follow rules here. It definitely didn't go how I wanted it to go. He had a huge bloody gash out of the side of his waste from being tackled by the store worker when he tried stealing an Playstation 4. He also got arrested. So sad. He's just not at that point of saying he needs help and wants to quit. He says he can do it on his own. Yeah right. My heart was broken that he was not broken yet and ready to rebuild his life. I just continue to pray.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
NJW, I am sorry for the ongoing struggles you are having with your son--I remember your first posts and your hopes. Addiction is crazy-making, and while you are in the midst of it, you often have another part of your mind saying, "Is this my life, my kid, my reality?? Can't be! Is! Can't be! Is"......Unfortunately, it usually goes on this way with them for quite awhile.
Many parents here have noted that arrest/jail is often a "good"thing for our addict children. It may be that this is how your son will get a "break" from active addiction. In the meantime, you are being smart and strong to keep him out of your home and away from his sister. Keep going to meetings, and if someone at an AlAnon or NarAnon meeting offers you their phone number or any kind of emotional support, ACCEPT IT! There are seasoned and strong parents to help you on this journey, so make good use of them.
I know how scared you must have been when you heard the story about him getting in the very car with someone who was yelling at him. That's his dealer, most likely. Don't get anywhere near that car or that person!
And I have to agree with everyone here who has said that if he in active addiction, he is lying. Even when he "considers" the military. That's a nod to please you both, and maybe somewhere deep inside, he'd like to consider that, but right now it's not possible. His addiction is in charge.
Take care. Keep posting. And only consider the experience, strength and hope that other folks with addicted loved ones share. Even our closest friends and family can't offer sound advice in this mess. Smile and thank them for their concern, but do what is right for YOU and your daughter.
Many parents here have noted that arrest/jail is often a "good"thing for our addict children. It may be that this is how your son will get a "break" from active addiction. In the meantime, you are being smart and strong to keep him out of your home and away from his sister. Keep going to meetings, and if someone at an AlAnon or NarAnon meeting offers you their phone number or any kind of emotional support, ACCEPT IT! There are seasoned and strong parents to help you on this journey, so make good use of them.
I know how scared you must have been when you heard the story about him getting in the very car with someone who was yelling at him. That's his dealer, most likely. Don't get anywhere near that car or that person!
And I have to agree with everyone here who has said that if he in active addiction, he is lying. Even when he "considers" the military. That's a nod to please you both, and maybe somewhere deep inside, he'd like to consider that, but right now it's not possible. His addiction is in charge.
Take care. Keep posting. And only consider the experience, strength and hope that other folks with addicted loved ones share. Even our closest friends and family can't offer sound advice in this mess. Smile and thank them for their concern, but do what is right for YOU and your daughter.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I am sorry. Some people have a high bottom, some have low to none. Until he is done, he won't be done. I have listened to several testimonies of people who were not ready to come out clean until they had spent some very real time in jail. That is very scary for a parent to hear, but may be the best thing for him.
I hope you are doing things to take care of YOU.
XXX
I hope you are doing things to take care of YOU.
XXX
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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Originally Posted by njw1968 
Zoso77
You are very wise. We met with my son yesterday, my ex an I. We mentioned the military and for once he seemed to kind of nod his head. He is still not home with anyone. His refuses to go to his dads and he cant follow rules here. It definitely didn't go how I wanted it to go. He had a huge bloody gash out of the side of his waste from being tackled by the store worker when he tried stealing an Playstation 4. He also got arrested. So sad. He's just not at that point of saying he needs help and wants to quit. He says he can do it on his own. Yeah right. My heart was broken that he was not broken yet and ready to rebuild his life. I just continue to pray.
You are very wise. We met with my son yesterday, my ex an I. We mentioned the military and for once he seemed to kind of nod his head. He is still not home with anyone. His refuses to go to his dads and he cant follow rules here. It definitely didn't go how I wanted it to go. He had a huge bloody gash out of the side of his waste from being tackled by the store worker when he tried stealing an Playstation 4. He also got arrested. So sad. He's just not at that point of saying he needs help and wants to quit. He says he can do it on his own. Yeah right. My heart was broken that he was not broken yet and ready to rebuild his life. I just continue to pray.
If this is how he wants to live his life, fine. But the only one that should pay the price for his decisions is him.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 74
Tonight I caved and picked my son up. I'm so happy to have him home but also on edge. Yes I know, probably stupid decision. We will see. He talks to attorney on Thursday and court next Friday. I pray they put him on 5 year SIS probation. I don't know much about the law but he's freaking out that he came home because he thinks they will come and arrest him due to what they found last week in his room. I don't think the cops have been honest with me. They told me they were just going to pick him up to question him about his dealers and scare him. Now I'm not sure.
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Location: Tacoma WA
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njw, my AS also was "cornered" into joining the Air Force. His grandparents, in a good-hearted attempt to set him straight when he was 24 (he is now 29) with a wife and young baby, encouraged him to join the Air Force. He agreed in what I now see was a placating move.
He passed all of the physicals, tests, etc. to join the Air Force and had a six month wait to enter. Well, during that six months he had an excuse not to work and I know he continued to do drugs.
Off he went to Lackland AFB, and three weeks later his wife told me he failed the drug test. Of course he did! The military does not tolerate drug or blatant alcohol abuse.
Fast forward five years, and my AS has lost his wife and contact with my beautiful 6 year old granddaughter, multiple jobs, cars, his sister and most of his family. He lives in an end of the cattle trail travel trailer in a drug dealing trailer colony somewhere in Texas. Of course, he doesn't have a drug problem according to him.
I have finally, as I am a slow learner, accepted that I have enabled him way too much. If I knew what I knew now when he was 18, I would have shut my wallet much sooner. I've FINALLY let go and let God. I'm at peace now as he is clearly making his own decisions on how he wants to live. It's a complete tragedy, but I know I can do nothing but detach with compassion.
My prayers are with you and your family.
With compassion,
Peaceandgrace
He passed all of the physicals, tests, etc. to join the Air Force and had a six month wait to enter. Well, during that six months he had an excuse not to work and I know he continued to do drugs.
Off he went to Lackland AFB, and three weeks later his wife told me he failed the drug test. Of course he did! The military does not tolerate drug or blatant alcohol abuse.
Fast forward five years, and my AS has lost his wife and contact with my beautiful 6 year old granddaughter, multiple jobs, cars, his sister and most of his family. He lives in an end of the cattle trail travel trailer in a drug dealing trailer colony somewhere in Texas. Of course, he doesn't have a drug problem according to him.
I have finally, as I am a slow learner, accepted that I have enabled him way too much. If I knew what I knew now when he was 18, I would have shut my wallet much sooner. I've FINALLY let go and let God. I'm at peace now as he is clearly making his own decisions on how he wants to live. It's a complete tragedy, but I know I can do nothing but detach with compassion.
My prayers are with you and your family.
With compassion,
Peaceandgrace
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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Peace and Grace
My heart breaks to hear your story Us moms just have the hardest time detaching. I cannot seem to do it either. I'm trying to keep positive while he is still trying to get through high school. He's terrified of going to prison possibly next week but it doesn't seem to stop some of his behavior. He was sober when I picked him up yesterday and he went to school today. Baby steps for sure. I just get so much anxiety come Friday and Saturday. He has a curfew of 1. Let's see if he keeps that and remains sober. ((Hugs))
My heart breaks to hear your story Us moms just have the hardest time detaching. I cannot seem to do it either. I'm trying to keep positive while he is still trying to get through high school. He's terrified of going to prison possibly next week but it doesn't seem to stop some of his behavior. He was sober when I picked him up yesterday and he went to school today. Baby steps for sure. I just get so much anxiety come Friday and Saturday. He has a curfew of 1. Let's see if he keeps that and remains sober. ((Hugs))
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
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I have a 26 year old adult son and 20 year old adult daughter....both in recovery. Well...my son is 1/2 way through the Salvation Army's Program.
I only wish, with my son, I had learned earlier. It was nothing that I could control or save him from....I could pay for a car, rent, food, cable, give rides, let him stay with me, listen to desperate phone calls....over and over and over again.
Nothing helped until I quit doing these things and allowed him to feel the brunt of his choices. The full brunt. It was like watching him die in front of me. Even at a certain point, I couldn't watch it.
I have a mother-in-law-75 years with a drug addict son living in her home. He is 50 years of age. She doesn't give him money but give him food and shelter. He is comfortable so he can do his dope. We have encouraged her to kick him out. She has tried to give him notice but he never leaves and she never follows through. There is nothing we can do...my husband could kick him out but she would let him in. I vowed that this would NOT be me. She is a prisoner in her home.
This is the most difficult times as a parent. Find some peace for yourself. Find support. I am so glad that you are here.
I only wish, with my son, I had learned earlier. It was nothing that I could control or save him from....I could pay for a car, rent, food, cable, give rides, let him stay with me, listen to desperate phone calls....over and over and over again.
Nothing helped until I quit doing these things and allowed him to feel the brunt of his choices. The full brunt. It was like watching him die in front of me. Even at a certain point, I couldn't watch it.
I have a mother-in-law-75 years with a drug addict son living in her home. He is 50 years of age. She doesn't give him money but give him food and shelter. He is comfortable so he can do his dope. We have encouraged her to kick him out. She has tried to give him notice but he never leaves and she never follows through. There is nothing we can do...my husband could kick him out but she would let him in. I vowed that this would NOT be me. She is a prisoner in her home.
This is the most difficult times as a parent. Find some peace for yourself. Find support. I am so glad that you are here.
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Tonight I caved and picked my son up. I'm so happy to have him home but also on edge. Yes I know, probably stupid decision. We will see.
But I would argue at this point, your choices are more problematic than your son's choices. You are willingly enabling him at every step of the way, and the ones paying the price for that are you and your daughter.
It's worth remembering that at some point, you will have to do something you don't want to do, which is detach from him completely. All you're doing now is kicking that can down the road, and the longer you do that, the worse it will be.
Take care.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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My daughter is with my ex this week. She is getting a break. The last 24 hours have been good. He made it to school. I'm taking baby steps. Yes I'm on edge. Yes I'm showing him love but I am NOT allowing drugs. First sign and he's out. He does know that I will actually do it this time. I'm trying to analyze the crap out of everything. My daughter and I were discussing how many times he hit his head when he was younger. Once he even had a small seizure. I'm wondering if he has some sort of issue due to that. Even when he is sober he just isn't the same boy I gave birth to and raised. I just want my son back. His court date next Friday will pretty much determine his fate.
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Well, I do hope if they give him a SIS that he is forced to be on some sort of supervision. I also hope you get to a counselor who specializes in addiction. The reality is, sometimes there is no reason. No bump on the head, just being around the wrong people or having an addictive type personality.
No matter the reason, this is who he is now. He has to put in the work over the course of time to become who he is going to become.
XXX. Many hugs and prayers to you and your family.
No matter the reason, this is who he is now. He has to put in the work over the course of time to become who he is going to become.
XXX. Many hugs and prayers to you and your family.
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My daughter was honor roll; #2 Varsity tennis player; All region flutist; Gifted and Talented Program; Minimal behavior problems; Social; Volunteer for Animal Shelter for 2 years (on Saturday and Sundays); Church/Youth Program.
Then she started using drugs....marijuana first.
Kicked off tennis team; sneaking out; coming home high; head on collision/unconscious for 15 minutes at the scene; jail; rehab; jail; being kicked out numerous times; jail; psychiatric hospital x2 ; jail; rehab.
Drugs change your loved one. They take over. That last part wasn't my child...I though I was in a dream errr....nightmare.
Because of what I learned with her older brother. My oldest son, I kept on thinking..."I just want him to graduate high school. I just want him to keep his job. I just want him to keep his apartment." All the while helping....No I realize this was not for me to do. My daughter's consequences were swifter; less tolerant; and I didn't bail her out for long-one time only.
Three years later she is in recovery....one day at a time.
Then she started using drugs....marijuana first.
Kicked off tennis team; sneaking out; coming home high; head on collision/unconscious for 15 minutes at the scene; jail; rehab; jail; being kicked out numerous times; jail; psychiatric hospital x2 ; jail; rehab.
Drugs change your loved one. They take over. That last part wasn't my child...I though I was in a dream errr....nightmare.
Because of what I learned with her older brother. My oldest son, I kept on thinking..."I just want him to graduate high school. I just want him to keep his job. I just want him to keep his apartment." All the while helping....No I realize this was not for me to do. My daughter's consequences were swifter; less tolerant; and I didn't bail her out for long-one time only.
Three years later she is in recovery....one day at a time.
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My daughter had a few concussions and one left a bruise on her brain from 20+ years ago. She was also a straight A student up until 11th grade. She started hanging out with a bad crowd and made bad decisions. Still, she wouldn't become an addict until she was 19, had started dating a supposedly recovering heroin addict, and received a large injury settlement. She made many many more bad decisions after that.
Her addiction came from a perfect storm of injuries, bad decisions, addictive personality, way too much money, and an enabling mom (me).
Over four years later of recovery - one day at a time - she won't hold anyone or thing responsible other than herself.
Her addiction came from a perfect storm of injuries, bad decisions, addictive personality, way too much money, and an enabling mom (me).
Over four years later of recovery - one day at a time - she won't hold anyone or thing responsible other than herself.
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This will be my final contribution to the thread.
Why is the sky blue? If you dig down into the physics, you'll learn that blue has a range of wavelengths in the visible electromagnetic spectrum and it has to do with light scattering off the molecules in the atmosphere. But even if you didn't know all that, the sky is still blue, and it is what it is.
Why is your son behaving the way he is? Does it matter? What does knowing change for you? Trying to figure out why he is the way he is is, in my view, a waste of your time. Why did he smart smoking pot at age 12? Because he wanted to. Why did he attempt to steal a PlayStation 4? Because he wanted to. Why does he want to? Because he's functionally a sociopath with no respect for the boundaries of others or the norms of civil society. Why is he functionally a sociopath?
Where does the digging end? No matter how far you tunnel down into this issue, it doesn't change the fact that he's doing what he's doing without any remorse whatsoever. Your analysis will lead to paralysis. And it doesn't change the fact that no matter what he does, you enable him because you're afraid of the price he'll pay for behaving the way he does. And what sucks for you is he knows this and is counting on this.
You can't undo what he is or what he has become. The only thing you can do, when you're finally ready to, is change your response to his behavior and fortify your boundaries. Because if you don't, you will be stuck in a feedback loop of your own making.
Good luck.
I'm trying to analyze the crap out of everything. My daughter and I were discussing how many times he hit his head when he was younger. Once he even had a small seizure. I'm wondering if he has some sort of issue due to that.
Why is your son behaving the way he is? Does it matter? What does knowing change for you? Trying to figure out why he is the way he is is, in my view, a waste of your time. Why did he smart smoking pot at age 12? Because he wanted to. Why did he attempt to steal a PlayStation 4? Because he wanted to. Why does he want to? Because he's functionally a sociopath with no respect for the boundaries of others or the norms of civil society. Why is he functionally a sociopath?
Where does the digging end? No matter how far you tunnel down into this issue, it doesn't change the fact that he's doing what he's doing without any remorse whatsoever. Your analysis will lead to paralysis. And it doesn't change the fact that no matter what he does, you enable him because you're afraid of the price he'll pay for behaving the way he does. And what sucks for you is he knows this and is counting on this.
You can't undo what he is or what he has become. The only thing you can do, when you're finally ready to, is change your response to his behavior and fortify your boundaries. Because if you don't, you will be stuck in a feedback loop of your own making.
Good luck.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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Thank you to everyone. I think after talking with attorney today that my son is considering the 120 day jail rehab thing versus probation. I know nothing about that. All I know is it's in St Joseph MO. If anyone has more info I would love to hear. Thanks.
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