Help! Save me from myself!
 

Why do we miss them? I have been through the ringer with my EXBF for so long, and a little over a month ago, I basically went NC. It never ceases to amaze me just how low he will sink when consumed by his addiction. It actually makes me feel sick to my stomach remembering some of the things he has done. So why do I still miss him? Why am I jealous of his new AGF?

I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me. I am moving forward in my life and focusing on myself and my future. And there are many days when the thought of him disgusts me, but then I have a day like today, where I just want to hear his voice. I guess just needed to vent my frustrations. I won't give in to these feelings bc I know exactly what would happen, I just feel heartbroken. :headbange

Because you're human. And when we care about someone who's not in our lives anymore, we grieve the fact they're not there. You can miss someone while acknowledging their presence would bring you pain.

Are you?

When my AXGF dumped me for another addict, I wasn't jealous at all. Nor did I feel bad for him. When someone shows you what they're all about, it's usually a good idea to pay attention.

If you know what your AXBF is all about, you surely know what the new girl is in for. She may not know, but that's not your problem. That's hers. So what's there to be jealous of?

The addict numbs. We don't.

Sarcastically, I told my husband, that I sometimes felt when everyone started acting "crazy" around me (addiction) that I felt like joining the crowd. "That way I didn't have to be the only one who cared!"

You know, a month isn't a lot of time in which to heal. It takes time to get your thoughts straightened out. You have been through a lot. It's sad, and we get lonely.

I think you are going to be ok. I think you have already saved yourself. It just takes time, and space, as a wise woman here wrote about the other day. (look for post by Dandylion) on Time and Space.

best wishes. be strong and love yourself.

Thanks guys for the encouragement.

Zoso - It's weird, I know I'm not missing out on anything. Their life consists of trying to get money for more drugs. I guess I just wish I had someone in my life to share my life with.

Txhelp - I've always told my XABF that he has it easier in the present bc he can numb himself from any and all pain. However, in the long run, he carries his pain with him, while I deal with my pain and move on. It's ironic. Whenever he has left me to be with another girl, she ALWAYS does drugs with him. I'm the only one of his girlfriends that has never done drugs with him. Lol!

I appreciate all the support. I must admit I was feeling a tad emotional yesterday. I know I just have to push forward, and it will get easy as time goes by.

My hope is that you become more comfortable and confident being on your own.

Some of my greatest accomplishments have happened after my AXGF and I broke up. Not only do I miss her like Ebola, I don't miss being in a relationship.

One of these days, that may change. But in the meantime, there are things I want to accomplish both professionally and personally, and I don't have the bandwidth to be in a romantic relationship.

I am going on 2 weeks without a word from my ABF. I have my moments of sadness and despair but then I realize that I need to focus on my baby and me. It is hard but somehow we make it through each day.

I am sorry Mistyeye.. that really hurts , I'm sure.

Take good care of yourself. If you have any family to support you, you might want to lean on them a bit, to have some connection, some interaction, so you don't feel so alone.

I hope you will continue to post and share, and read the stickies. You will find that there are so many who were in your situation.

Its really important that you live the life that you want to live.

big hugs,
chicory

I feel like I am reading my post from just a couple posts down! MHL2282 - I know too well how you feel and am so sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to let you know that it does get better and it does feel easier... not every day...maybe not most days, but it does. Stay strong and focus on you...zozo has a great point about learning to like yourself when you are alone. I'm still struggling with that one. I work in health care and I constantly hear patients tell me how depressed they are feeling alone. It makes me realize how important it is to learn that now when I have friends and family to support me and good health to stay active and figure out what it is that makes me feel excited and confident, instead of when I'm hit by even more challenges and feel even more alone.

As for the AGF - I know the feeling. I too caught myself feeling jealous, wondering what she had that I didn't. What I did wrong?
But the answer was that it wasn't about me...and its not about you. She makes it easier for him to use, and realistically he's probably not being that great to her either. In my case he was cheating and untruthful to her for months while he came and told me he loved me and wanted to fix things and slept in my bed. I now see it as a blessing that she have him, as it's giving me a chance to catch my breath, find my balance and run. Today, I am honestly scared for the day that she asks him to be more responsible or to be anything real. I known eventually it too will fall apart and I am praying that he does not show up on my door asking for forgiveness. I still don't trust that I have the strength to say no.

A line I have always loved from the movie p.s. I love you: "Thing to remember is, if we are all alone, then we're all together in that too." We are all here for you!