A question of timing
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Exton pa
Posts: 153
A question of timing
Hello everyone - been quite awhile since I have posted as I had posted A month ago I was going away on a trip. My AD has asked to see me after four months - there was nothing in her text about sobriety, apologies, working, positive changes. I am VERY APPREHENSIVE about doing this. It was all " I miss you and you are my best friend and I want to see you". I texted her back that I love her, always will and I hope she is embracing sobriety. She responded with she hopes that I will consider seeing her when I am ready. I told her that I will never again re-enter the world of addiction and addicts and restated that I love her, always will and hope she is embracing sobriety. DIDI I DO THE RIGHT THING, GUYS?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Hello, Amysad.
You asked and it is my opinion, that, yes, you did the right thing. I wished I'd have done that last month. My son had not contacted me in one solid year to the day. I picked up the phone, there he was, no apologies, wanted to come live with us for a little while to get on his feet, his wife kicked him out, he had no money, etc., etc., etc. We told him no he couldn't live with us - but - we did fall into the same pattern, gave him a motel room for a month, some money, and the money and motel and the good job he secured here while living rent free at the motel and spending money we had provided him was gone in three weeks. He's right back where he started, we're owning up to our losses and looking at what we did, which was doing the same thing and expecting different results.
As someone said on here, recovery looks like recovery. I believe when someone's truly in recovery they're attending meetings, have a sponsor, and are doing everything that's suggested to them to make living amends to repair the wreckage of their past.
My son did none of that.
I admire your strength.
You asked and it is my opinion, that, yes, you did the right thing. I wished I'd have done that last month. My son had not contacted me in one solid year to the day. I picked up the phone, there he was, no apologies, wanted to come live with us for a little while to get on his feet, his wife kicked him out, he had no money, etc., etc., etc. We told him no he couldn't live with us - but - we did fall into the same pattern, gave him a motel room for a month, some money, and the money and motel and the good job he secured here while living rent free at the motel and spending money we had provided him was gone in three weeks. He's right back where he started, we're owning up to our losses and looking at what we did, which was doing the same thing and expecting different results.
As someone said on here, recovery looks like recovery. I believe when someone's truly in recovery they're attending meetings, have a sponsor, and are doing everything that's suggested to them to make living amends to repair the wreckage of their past.
My son did none of that.
I admire your strength.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
And another thing, Amy, I read your post twice. My first gut reaction was that of a little baby/child calling out to, mommy, "I need you." That's where they get us hooked, the powerful emotional hook.
I think your response to her was compassionate and caring more about her life than her feelings. One of the toughest things I've had to learn in here is feelings are not facts.
I think your response to her was compassionate and caring more about her life than her feelings. One of the toughest things I've had to learn in here is feelings are not facts.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think you did the right thing. As someone said, recovery looks like recovery. There are resources out there to support that recovery for anyone who wants it, they just have to reach out. No excuses.
Entering back into the awful world of addiction is not good for your own sanity in any way. You are showing love while giving the firm line that you will not go back there, good for you!
Entering back into the awful world of addiction is not good for your own sanity in any way. You are showing love while giving the firm line that you will not go back there, good for you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
As a mother of a child in recovery.
As that child myself…
I would have met her, no expectations and no needing her to be anything other than who she is in this moment …
So I say this:
If you want to see your child, then see your child.
If you don’t, then you don’t, but there shouldn’t be any need for an explanation and it most certainly should never be based on using or not using. It is about what you wish to do… no enabling needed, no helping needed, no wanting her to change so that you can somehow justify your actions, or assigning her using as any good enough reason not to see her … because it is never about our children, ever. It is about what we need …
As that child myself…
I would have met her, no expectations and no needing her to be anything other than who she is in this moment …
So I say this:
If you want to see your child, then see your child.
If you don’t, then you don’t, but there shouldn’t be any need for an explanation and it most certainly should never be based on using or not using. It is about what you wish to do… no enabling needed, no helping needed, no wanting her to change so that you can somehow justify your actions, or assigning her using as any good enough reason not to see her … because it is never about our children, ever. It is about what we need …
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Amy are you afraid that if you see her she'll manipulate you? Is your bottom line that you won't meet with her while she's drinking?
Agree with another poster that the childlike language sounds manipulative to me.
Agree with another poster that the childlike language sounds manipulative to me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Amysad,
Welcome back, I've missed you.
Such a hard world addiction puts us in. What to do?
You are the only one who knows best what to do...that
beautiful dear child that fell to her knees, trapped, needing
her mothers love...and you told her you loved her. That was
perfect...
Hugs and good thoughts coming your way Amysad.
TF
Welcome back, I've missed you.
Such a hard world addiction puts us in. What to do?
You are the only one who knows best what to do...that
beautiful dear child that fell to her knees, trapped, needing
her mothers love...and you told her you loved her. That was
perfect...
Hugs and good thoughts coming your way Amysad.
TF
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Amysad...your response felt awesome to me. It was truly about life not feelings. I can share that I have had 3 children of 5 who did drugs (1 active now) and 2 who drink...I came from a family where my parents drank but I didn't wake up to the fact that they were high functioning alcoholics until my 2nd daughter...about 12 years ago...they looked perfect on the outside..but when Dad, who cared and who had a stroke...so couldn't drink died...I realized that one of the reasons I had the best relationship with him ever in my life during the last eleven years...when he couldn't drink was because he was my dad and he loved me...something I knew (am a feeler) before...but couldn't understand why it was so hard and he was so tough and aggressive.
As I was going through my own underage children at the time...I did whatever I could...for them...for me...in recovery senses...and I worked like a dog to keep the family going. My older two daughters are not doing drugs now...and my two oldest children do not drink often...they are in their early 30's. My 22 year old is an active heroin addict who I cannot help. I cannot do the tough love...I cannot figure out how to restart my life...as it has all caught up with me...
I am going to naranon meetings...praying and doing this for me. I did, however, go to look for my daughter for the first time in 4 1/2 months on Sunday and I felt a moment of releif...she wasn't there...but I learned that she was alive 3-4 months ago.
As I face the deepest fears I have ever faced about my own financial survival, having learned that when I do too much for others (our 2nd daughter...we gave it all...and lost everything...she still says it is all my fault...and has done a lot of gossip and joined with my mother who did the same thing after I worked myself into exhaustion in the 10 years prior with dealing with the loss of a child, working to keep my family afloat in the hardest job I could find and also being there for her after my Dad's stroke until he died 10 years later. My family of origin won't even talk to me even though I have not used...and I have done as much recovery as I could grab and hold onto including therapy...they don't like that I was straight and honest in the days I still thought I could fight and win...now I am in surrender.
I am just taking my steps and praying and meditating that I will receive help in doing for myself a bit of what I was able to do for my children...out of love. I am digging deeper into recovery with this child as she meant so much to me...but I cannot enable...I cannot...because she is so lost...and I am too likely to be fooled by her as I was...and then I will be manipulated...
So praying for deeper recovery.
As I was going through my own underage children at the time...I did whatever I could...for them...for me...in recovery senses...and I worked like a dog to keep the family going. My older two daughters are not doing drugs now...and my two oldest children do not drink often...they are in their early 30's. My 22 year old is an active heroin addict who I cannot help. I cannot do the tough love...I cannot figure out how to restart my life...as it has all caught up with me...
I am going to naranon meetings...praying and doing this for me. I did, however, go to look for my daughter for the first time in 4 1/2 months on Sunday and I felt a moment of releif...she wasn't there...but I learned that she was alive 3-4 months ago.
As I face the deepest fears I have ever faced about my own financial survival, having learned that when I do too much for others (our 2nd daughter...we gave it all...and lost everything...she still says it is all my fault...and has done a lot of gossip and joined with my mother who did the same thing after I worked myself into exhaustion in the 10 years prior with dealing with the loss of a child, working to keep my family afloat in the hardest job I could find and also being there for her after my Dad's stroke until he died 10 years later. My family of origin won't even talk to me even though I have not used...and I have done as much recovery as I could grab and hold onto including therapy...they don't like that I was straight and honest in the days I still thought I could fight and win...now I am in surrender.
I am just taking my steps and praying and meditating that I will receive help in doing for myself a bit of what I was able to do for my children...out of love. I am digging deeper into recovery with this child as she meant so much to me...but I cannot enable...I cannot...because she is so lost...and I am too likely to be fooled by her as I was...and then I will be manipulated...
So praying for deeper recovery.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 109
Amysad, how strong you are! And, how I admire that. The way we question our every action around addicts is something to behold isn't it?
I have been hooked right back into the emotional trap far too many times with my AS. This time around, I don't even have the strength (nor do I want it!) to be involved in his devolving situation into pending homelessness.
Only you know if you can see your daughter without being hooked back in with their manipulations of how much they miss you, etc. If you can't see her, then you can't see her. If you can see her and simply repeat what you said on the phone without caving into manipulation, then see her in person.
What strength you have, and you are in my prayers.
With compassion,
PeaceandGrace
I have been hooked right back into the emotional trap far too many times with my AS. This time around, I don't even have the strength (nor do I want it!) to be involved in his devolving situation into pending homelessness.
Only you know if you can see your daughter without being hooked back in with their manipulations of how much they miss you, etc. If you can't see her, then you can't see her. If you can see her and simply repeat what you said on the phone without caving into manipulation, then see her in person.
What strength you have, and you are in my prayers.
With compassion,
PeaceandGrace
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Exton pa
Posts: 153
Thank you to everyone....all your advices are such heartfelt. My AD is a heroin addict primarily but has been and done it all over past 10 years. While I would love to see my daughter, I know in my heart it's not my daughter. I feel like she left years ago - the lies, theft, broken dreams, police involvement and criminal element I believe still is present. I just have to continue to say no to a visit. Thank you to all if you and my prayers are with you and your struggles as well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear Amysad, your heart knows the answer for you. I too have been tempted by my codependency and allowed denial to rule for many times. Now, my RAS is on his own and if he asks for advice I will help but I am really really trying to detach from his choices, good or bad!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 5
My heart goes out to you Amysad. Only you know if you did the right thing, but I can understand why you'd question it. I think if you ever do decide to see your daughter, you should do what other posters on this thread have said about not going in with expectations and just seeing her where she's at right now. I am new to this board, so I can't speak on past board knowledge here, but I imagine you've grown stronger as a result of this happening in your family and if she tried to manipulate you, you may be equipped with the tools to handle it.
Good luck!
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Amysad,
The bond and support that the members of your SR family have shown you, is sincere and overwhelmingly positive. There's a lot of experience and love that you, Amysad, or any mother or loved one can learn from.
It's beautiful how strangers can pull together and help and support each other...nothing negative about it except for the strong dislike we all have for addiction.
TF
The bond and support that the members of your SR family have shown you, is sincere and overwhelmingly positive. There's a lot of experience and love that you, Amysad, or any mother or loved one can learn from.
It's beautiful how strangers can pull together and help and support each other...nothing negative about it except for the strong dislike we all have for addiction.
TF
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Exton pa
Posts: 153
NJW - my daughter is 28 years old and has been a heroin user for I don't even know how long.....every tea leaf was read wrong by me for going on 9 years. World was her oyster and no pearl ever formed but a pension for lies deceipt theft and use certainly did. I love her and always always will but with the help of SR I learned how to detach and I just will never go back to the murky destruction of codependency
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Amysad,
If it means anything at all, I support you in your decision to not visit with your daughter. I just recently went one year of not seeing or talking to my son. During our separation, I had that moment of clarity, thank God, and realized that I was supporting his lifestyle, almost condoning his unemployment by giving him money, buying into his excuses, rationalization, justifications, his self-pity, blaming everybody for the mess he's in. I see now the things I did to try to fix his problem only contributed to his low self-esteem, which is something he has to earn when and if he chooses to get some help for his disease.
When he would call me with a living problem, which was about the only time he ever contacted me, when he was wanting something, I would try and soothe him with words based on who I wanted him to be or who he used to be, and then it'd always end up me throwing money at it. I just wanted so badly for him to be who I wanted him to be instead of who he had become. I know the morals, principles, and values that he was taught while growing up are there somewhere but for right now he's not in touch with any of that. He has to use drugs in order to do the things he's doing and live the way he's living. If he was sane and sober his conscience wouldn't allow him to this other person.
I sincerely believe the most compassionate thing I've done for him is to say no to his demands. I'm better mentally, physically, spiritually, financially, and emotionally now that I've come to realize that I'm not responsible for him nor am I in charge of his life. I, like you, love him dearly and pray for him daily, but I've got to do the things I've learned to do to take care of myself. I pray to God that one day he has that moment of clarity as I did.
I will continue to pray for you and your daughter.
If it means anything at all, I support you in your decision to not visit with your daughter. I just recently went one year of not seeing or talking to my son. During our separation, I had that moment of clarity, thank God, and realized that I was supporting his lifestyle, almost condoning his unemployment by giving him money, buying into his excuses, rationalization, justifications, his self-pity, blaming everybody for the mess he's in. I see now the things I did to try to fix his problem only contributed to his low self-esteem, which is something he has to earn when and if he chooses to get some help for his disease.
When he would call me with a living problem, which was about the only time he ever contacted me, when he was wanting something, I would try and soothe him with words based on who I wanted him to be or who he used to be, and then it'd always end up me throwing money at it. I just wanted so badly for him to be who I wanted him to be instead of who he had become. I know the morals, principles, and values that he was taught while growing up are there somewhere but for right now he's not in touch with any of that. He has to use drugs in order to do the things he's doing and live the way he's living. If he was sane and sober his conscience wouldn't allow him to this other person.
I sincerely believe the most compassionate thing I've done for him is to say no to his demands. I'm better mentally, physically, spiritually, financially, and emotionally now that I've come to realize that I'm not responsible for him nor am I in charge of his life. I, like you, love him dearly and pray for him daily, but I've got to do the things I've learned to do to take care of myself. I pray to God that one day he has that moment of clarity as I did.
I will continue to pray for you and your daughter.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Good to see you back, Amy. What great support you have here! I agree with everyone -- and just want to say that only you will know how and when you are up for seeing your AD in person. I stuck by a boundary this past spring/summer and told my AD I could not see her again until she was in treatment or needed a ride there. It was very hard, but I had to do it for my own sanity. When I did finally see her, it was in fact to get her into treatment.
Our little achievements and unimaginable boundaries as parents of drug addicts are actually HUGE! You did what you needed to do in that moment. It will change over time, what you choose to do with the relationship, but now it will be because YOU are taking care of yourself. And keep telling her your love her. I said that often via text. It made me feel better and kept a love-line that will never go away intact, regardless of what she does.
I hope your trip was a great diversion and good for you and your other daughter!
Our little achievements and unimaginable boundaries as parents of drug addicts are actually HUGE! You did what you needed to do in that moment. It will change over time, what you choose to do with the relationship, but now it will be because YOU are taking care of yourself. And keep telling her your love her. I said that often via text. It made me feel better and kept a love-line that will never go away intact, regardless of what she does.
I hope your trip was a great diversion and good for you and your other daughter!
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