Here it goes...ugh
 

I have decided to break off my engagement with my H addicted fiance. He says he isn't using but gets very defensive when asked questions. He has no access to money but where therw is a will there is a way. I just can't do it anymore I have to figure out how to go about this...how to tell our 9yo daughter...I can no longer worry myself to death and subject myself to his issues. I just want to be happy again. I am tearing myself up that I have to put out daughter through this. We were together until she was 3 broke up for 5 years, I would of never thought we would get back together. He got clean and was the man I always knew he could be until about 5 months ago. I lost my best friend. ..our daughter is on honor roll and great soccer player. I don't want her to be affected by this mess. Ugh

Engaged...

I am really sorry that it's come to this. But, I also know you're not taking this decision lightly.

Prepare for the worst from him. Then prepare some more. This isn't going to be pretty. But sometimes, we have to do what we have to do.

Keep us posted.

It's very brave of you to step back and take action for your daughter's future. You are a good mom to do that. She will not continue to thrive with active addiction or deception in her daily home life. If it were me, I would explain it to her by using a disease or illness metaphor. Reassure her in any way that makes sense, no sugar-coating but no excessive details. As time passes, she will ask more and you can answer her with more depth as she matures. I am sorry for your pain, very sorry, but try to comfort yourself with the fact that you are doing what is best for your daughter and YOURSELF! Take care.

what about being honest? I'm divorced from an alcoholic.at the time of the divorce I had children from one year to 12 years of age. the only other father is an alcoholic. there's a program for the children of alcoholic I think it's called something like rainbow kids I've seen children as young as 10 or 11 at Al Anon. maybe approach it from the standpoint of the disease and a sickness that he can only fix. 9 is a very tender age but she's going to figure it out sooner or later. and yes prepare for it to get difficult with him when I was divorcing and my ex was actively drinking it was a very difficult time for me and for my children. I do think you're making a good decision though to end the engagement.

Engaged,
I'm also sorry you are in pain. :( I'm really sorry, I'm going thru a similar situation.
I'm here for you and so are many other members of SR to help you thru
this stressful change, :c004: no matter what you chose to do.
Be strong and know that we care about you!
TF

I am so sorry. I think you are very brave and kudos to you for doing the right thing by your child, the most important person involved!

I have a DD who turns nine next month. I have discussed her father's addiction with her and her sister very open and honestly, in an age appropriate way, for a long time. I also take her to see a counselor who specializes in helping families with addiction issues. She loves her counselor and it has been a God send!

Good luck to you. Hold your head high and be comforted that you just saved your DD's life and sanity.

Thank you so much for the support. Yes I'll have to let her know the truth she is smart I'm sure she senses something different. I have considered therapy for her to make sure she can continue to grow in a healthy way. It's rough but at the end of the day it's what is right. I fear he will be in so much pain turn to drugs and overdose but I can't stop him. Only He Can fix Himself. I just want my daughter to continue to be the awesome well rounded kid she is I know I'll be in pain but I'll be ok

He asked me today if I'm happy which he already knows I'm not. He says I'm always looking to see if he is using from the moment he comes home...I feel like he is trying to turn this on me??!!

Yes, he is trying to manipulate the situation. You are going to have to recognize that and steele yourself against it. Until you are completely free of this man you won't find happiness.

Engaged, my younger daughter found a lot of age appropriate support with kids and great adult sponsors at Alateen meetings. See if you can find one in your area, and they are often coordinated with an AlAnon meeting in the same building. 2-for-1! Best wishes. And yes, you will be happy someday, to answer his question!!

Engaged, you are doing the right thing for both you and your daughter!
My AS has a 6 year old daughter. His daughter's mother (whom I am very close to and love dearly) has broken off all contact with him due to his erratic behavior, unpredictable contact and all around "addictedness."

My granddaughter will be ok. Her mother hasn't had "the conversation" yet, but she will have to. Just last week my granddaughter told her mother, "Mommy, it isn't your fault DaDa doesn't call me."

The hurt brings you to your knees in tears. How could someone hurt his/her own child? It's incomprehensible but this is what addiction does.

I see hope because I teach 8th graders. So many of them have shared they come from families broken from addiction. Too many are wise beyond their years. In a good way. "It's ok. I have dealt with my father not being there. It's his loss." I could go on and on with their words.

I do worry about my granddaughter's future father issues as they will inevitably have to be dealt with. But, I know my granddaughter is loved and supported. She does not have an addict in her day to day life. And, for that I am grateful.

Many prayers to you and your daughter as you negotiate this difficult path.

With compassion,
PeaceandGrace

You are very brave and strong (even though you may not feel like it).

As it stands, you recognize that he isn't a person to be married to or father your child. It's difficult because you know what he his potential is from the past. However, that is HIS potential not yours. You have no control over whether he decides to show it again and that will take ongoing sobriety/recovery.

Oh, and they are very good at making you sound like the crazy person! It messes with your head.

Omg you are all correct, I'm thinking really? Yes it's all his fault! I didn't make myself this way. I haven't even told him wedding is off yet or to leave I can only imagine what will happen then ugh!!

I will look into this for sure! Thanks