Feeling hopeless

Old 10-26-2014, 12:14 AM
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Feeling hopeless

Dear SR,

I managed to go 1 week no contact with my ex addict boyfriend. I spent a lot of time reading about codependency, trying to change those deep flaws in thinking that I hadnt even realized were there. I was beginning to find peace after the storm....like getting off a crazy roller coaster and beginning to find my balance. He called me crying today. He said he wanted to talk. I was weak...I caved to my hopes that maybe things could be different, while knowing full well I will never be able to heal my own hurts with him. I let him come over. But he hadn't spelt the night before (thanks to his partying and coke use) and worked a full day. He could hardly keep his eyes open to get through a sentence. I agreed to let him sleep. He was dead to the world for 5 hours. His girlfriend (who he had found and been sleeping with for months in our relationship) called every 20 minutes, as did his homeless addict bestfriend who needed a ride and a place to stay. I could not wake him to get him to leave. When he did wake up he was in a panic about what he would tell everyone about where he had been. The whole thing was terrible . Watching their names come up on his phone, seeinf him there (so thin), realizing I don't even know who he is anymore and that I cant remember what it is that I loved about him, that all my memories of us playing and laughing..of my closest friend all seem like a dream from a lifetime ago, yet still wanting so desperately to be good enough, to be wanted and needed by him. It scares me how deeply imbedded these thoughts are and how pathetically low my self worth is. It almost feels like I'm scared of being ok. Why am I so scared of letting all of the hurt go. Im watching the flame knowing it will burn me and yet sticking my hand in and holding it in anyways. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I know I will always love him, but that there is no way we can walk our lives journey together without me suffocating.

He says he still wants to talk in the morning. I know that I should not talk to him and yet a huge part of me wants to know what he will say. Hoping he is going to say he will leave this girl and stop using..knowing that won't happen.

Why am I so hopelessly self destructive

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Old 10-26-2014, 12:39 AM
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You are not hopeless. Noone is.
You will place your life on a healthy vector the moment YOU
(and you alone) decide to. Here's to you deciding that you have
something unique and precious to give to the world.....and that your
mission in life to do so is only hampered and delayed by your intersection
with this very destructive evil called addiction.
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Old 10-26-2014, 01:29 AM
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Dear Sparrow,
Welcome back...you were missed. And yes, I'm so sorry you are still frozen
in this heartache, and the manipulation your BF keeps surrounding you with.
Your love for him is real, your pain is real...but you must make a few healthy
choices, now. Can you? Are you ready for those choices?
Only YOU know that answer Dear Sparrow...
And as far as being hopeless...oh no, you're NOT hopeless, never give your hope
up! Try, and it's hard...to take a step forward...live in TODAY, not the (bittersweet)
memories of yesterday or the ones to come of tomorrow.
Make the healthy choice to be number one in your life, to take care and to KNOW
how to take care and to do it, care about YOU! We certainly do!
Now, dry your eyes...walk him to the door...and lock it after he leaves.
Take that first step, keep reading, listening, talking and coming back to us, a support
team always here for you! Are you ready, Dear Sparrow, to take that healthy step?
So many behind you, here for you, giving you a big gentle hug...
TF
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Old 10-26-2014, 08:08 AM
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Hang in there Sparrow! Thanks for sharing, I am going though a very similar motion with my ex at the moment. Healing takes time and as so many have told me on here, be kind to yourself, you will work though it at your own pace.
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Old 10-26-2014, 03:01 PM
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I agree with the others....such great support! It's never hopeless but he isn't using at you or to you-it's not about you. You are good enough! Although, I understand how these thoughts creep into your mind when you watch someone that you love dearly dwindling away.
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Old 10-26-2014, 03:37 PM
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I am in a similar situation. I haven't spoken to my EXABF in nearly a month. I feel like such a fool for having devoted so much time to him, while neglecting my own needs. Even though I haven't had contact with him, it doesn't prevent the discovery of new lows in his behavior. I honestly thought I had seen it all with him. Lies, cheating, stealing, destroying, but I guess there is no limit to what he is capable of. I always treated him with respect, but I realized I never received it in return. It is heartbreaking to watch him deteriorate into a scumbag, with no boundaries or consideration for anyone.

I want to move on with my life, and I am taking steps to do so, I just wish I didn't miss him. He isn't the same person I knew. For a while I convinced myself that the man I love was just under the surface, and eventually, that man would return. But as long as he is in active addiction, that man will not exist.

My situation is so similar to yours. I commend you for being able to identify being frustrated with your situation. Whether you talk to him or not, it's a step in the right direction to realize you don't want to want to. I sometimes wonder if I am a masochist given the amount of pain I've willingly subjected myself to. I too hope that we will be the exception, and that he'll kick his addiction and we'll live happily ever after, but I'm starting to realize that holding onto that hope has kept me in a perpetual state of limbo. I don't know what the future holds, but I don't want to wake up in a year feeling the same way.

This forum is a great place to find encouragement, insight and support. Don't get discouraged, you are not alone!
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Old 10-27-2014, 12:40 PM
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Wow. I can't say how much I relate to ALL of you. Deeply.

I never thought I'd be that person saying, "He's become someone I don't know anymore." He used for a while and was still recognizable. But all that's going away so fast, day by day.

It hurts so freaking bad, to talk to him on the phone and hear him sounding cruel and dead inside, or just to get a text that says "Bitch." From someone I thought was the epitome of sweet, it's just such a haunting feeling.

I will really try to remember what you said, MLH. This limbo is ridiculous. And his using has nothing to do with me. It is a thing that's happening, I don't have to attach to it, or understand it. I don't need the past. I need the present.
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Old 10-27-2014, 12:46 PM
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Oh Sparrow, I am sorry. It's so hard to see someone you care about go down the rabbit hole, even when they do it to themselves.

I think it's OK to let go and give yourself permission to let go and love from afar. While you still care, you don't have to sit in that flame with him.

XXX
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Old 10-27-2014, 02:00 PM
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Originally Posted by CaringScared View Post
Wow. I can't say how much I relate to ALL of you. Deeply.

I never thought I'd be that person saying, "He's become someone I don't know anymore." He used for a while and was still recognizable. But all that's going away so fast, day by day.

It hurts so freaking bad, to talk to him on the phone and hear him sounding cruel and dead inside, or just to get a text that says "Bitch." From someone I thought was the epitome of sweet, it's just such a haunting feeling.

I will really try to remember what you said, MLH. This limbo is ridiculous. And his using has nothing to do with me. It is a thing that's happening, I don't have to attach to it, or understand it. I don't need the past. I need the present.
======================
AND (most importantly)........ a future.
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Old 10-27-2014, 02:10 PM
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That is very kind.
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