My fiance is a heroin addict and I feel so alone
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 5
My fiance is a heroin addict and I feel so alone
About 6 months ago, I found out that my fiance has been using heroin. When I found out, he swore he would never touch the stuff again and that he had only been using for a few months.
Since then, I've found out he's relapsed at least 2 other times, most recently about 2 weeks ago. And when I found out about his latest relapse, I learned that he has actually been using back and forth for about 2 years! Not only was I shocked but I was angered. How in the world was he able to do this for over a year before I found out? I didn't even have an inkling that anything was going on.
Needless to say, I'm just devastated, but I'm trying to be as supportive as possible. He swore this last time that he was done because he doesn't want to lose me. I just feel stuck. I'm constantly worried he's doing it again, I am always searching our home, every nook and cranny, looking for any evidence that he could be using again. So far, he's been acting normal and I see no signs that he's been using. (I have been able to figure out now when he's using based on his behaviors after researching a lot!).
I ask myself things like: Is this going to be my life now? Am I wrong for staying with him? I love him, I really do. And when we talk about our upcoming wedding and our future together, the outlook looks great, but I worry all the time now about him.
On top of that, his sex drive is non-existent as a result of this which usually takes a few weeks to come back once it's completely out of his system. I worry that our married life will have intimacy issues. Am I marrying someone who will make me sexually frustrated because of this addiction?
I just don't know what to do and I'm so confused. I have no one to talk to as I refuse to talk to my family and friends about this. I don't need them to view him negatively. I just want someone to talk to.
Thank you.
Since then, I've found out he's relapsed at least 2 other times, most recently about 2 weeks ago. And when I found out about his latest relapse, I learned that he has actually been using back and forth for about 2 years! Not only was I shocked but I was angered. How in the world was he able to do this for over a year before I found out? I didn't even have an inkling that anything was going on.
Needless to say, I'm just devastated, but I'm trying to be as supportive as possible. He swore this last time that he was done because he doesn't want to lose me. I just feel stuck. I'm constantly worried he's doing it again, I am always searching our home, every nook and cranny, looking for any evidence that he could be using again. So far, he's been acting normal and I see no signs that he's been using. (I have been able to figure out now when he's using based on his behaviors after researching a lot!).
I ask myself things like: Is this going to be my life now? Am I wrong for staying with him? I love him, I really do. And when we talk about our upcoming wedding and our future together, the outlook looks great, but I worry all the time now about him.
On top of that, his sex drive is non-existent as a result of this which usually takes a few weeks to come back once it's completely out of his system. I worry that our married life will have intimacy issues. Am I marrying someone who will make me sexually frustrated because of this addiction?
I just don't know what to do and I'm so confused. I have no one to talk to as I refuse to talk to my family and friends about this. I don't need them to view him negatively. I just want someone to talk to.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear MsSoonMrs,
Welcome to SR! I'm so sorry you are hurting so much.
Your first step to support that soon you will be needing...
let me understand...
Your fiancé has relapsed a few times, that you are aware of, that should be a warning
to you, a red flag raised...a few lies were added...
then you were shocked, angered, devastated, stuck, worried, searching for evidence, thinking about your future and questioning your love for him...you're worried and
confused...ok, are you ready to to start taking care of yourself? Are you ready to
stop the manipulation, lies and questions?
Are you ready to start taking care of YOU?
Stop some of the confusion...tell someone and seek out that F2F support...and it's hard to
do...to get into the healthy direction...
Are you ready? Are you ready to start taking care of YOU?
Some really tough, painful decisions to think about..
Just know that we have been where you are and we care about you, we do. Remember, you are not alone...don't be alone...
Have some sweet hope in yourself, care about yourself FIRST!
Many hugs and prayers to you for peace in your life,
TF
Welcome to SR! I'm so sorry you are hurting so much.
Your first step to support that soon you will be needing...
let me understand...
Your fiancé has relapsed a few times, that you are aware of, that should be a warning
to you, a red flag raised...a few lies were added...
then you were shocked, angered, devastated, stuck, worried, searching for evidence, thinking about your future and questioning your love for him...you're worried and
confused...ok, are you ready to to start taking care of yourself? Are you ready to
stop the manipulation, lies and questions?
Are you ready to start taking care of YOU?
Stop some of the confusion...tell someone and seek out that F2F support...and it's hard to
do...to get into the healthy direction...
Are you ready? Are you ready to start taking care of YOU?
Some really tough, painful decisions to think about..
Just know that we have been where you are and we care about you, we do.
Remember, you are not alone...don't be alone...Have some sweet hope in yourself, care about yourself FIRST!
Many hugs and prayers to you for peace in your life,
TF
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: East Coast
Posts: 83
mssoonmrs,
I'm divorced from an alcoholic not a drug addict and we have a large family. We married after a short engagement. Had I waited longer I'm certain I would have seen the red flags of addiction.
Red flags are meant to warn us of danger. To get us to stop and listen to the nagging in our gut, to the little voices in our head.
If anything put a hold on the engagement to see how things play out. I continued into my marriage knowing we weren't a good fit because my parents had already paid for the dress, the band....on an on. 20 years later with full blown alcoholism, unemployment, and a house full of children I swallowed my pride and told my parents what was happening.
Ask yourself ... "What advice would I give my best friend, sister, or daughter in this similar situation.
qwer
I'm divorced from an alcoholic not a drug addict and we have a large family. We married after a short engagement. Had I waited longer I'm certain I would have seen the red flags of addiction.
Red flags are meant to warn us of danger. To get us to stop and listen to the nagging in our gut, to the little voices in our head.
If anything put a hold on the engagement to see how things play out. I continued into my marriage knowing we weren't a good fit because my parents had already paid for the dress, the band....on an on. 20 years later with full blown alcoholism, unemployment, and a house full of children I swallowed my pride and told my parents what was happening.
Ask yourself ... "What advice would I give my best friend, sister, or daughter in this similar situation.
qwer
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 57
I'm sorry to welcome you to the club, but you came to the right place for support and guidance.
Addiction is a BEAST, especially heroin addiction. I watched my EXABF struggle with it for years. Addiction is not a momentary thing, from what I understand, it is a life long battle. I can't tell you whether to stay with him or not, but before you decide, read through the posts here and become informed.
I thought I could handle it, but living through it is a different story. There is no right or wrong answer, but do what is best for you.
Addiction is a BEAST, especially heroin addiction. I watched my EXABF struggle with it for years. Addiction is not a momentary thing, from what I understand, it is a life long battle. I can't tell you whether to stay with him or not, but before you decide, read through the posts here and become informed.
I thought I could handle it, but living through it is a different story. There is no right or wrong answer, but do what is best for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
When I found out, he swore he would never touch the stuff again
If addicts had this kind of control they wouldn't be addicts.
I just feel stuck. I'm constantly worried he's doing it again, I am always searching our home, every nook and cranny, looking for any evidence that he could be using again. So far, he's been acting normal and I see no signs that he's been using. (I have been able to figure out now when he's using based on his behaviors after researching a lot!).
This is where we as family and friends get just as sick as the addict. I used to tear the house apart looking for my alcoholic ex's liquor stashes. We nag, scold, guilt trip, cry, plead and try to micromanage the addict into sobriety and in the process we become just as sick as they are.
And when we talk about our upcoming wedding and our future together, the outlook looks great, but I worry all the time now about him.
How does the future look great? This is another example of how we get just as sick as the addict. Just as he is lying about his frequency and duration of use and ability to quit, we lie to ourselves that planning a future with an active addict is a good idea because we are living in a rose-colored fantasy land where love fixes everything for our personal version of happily ever after.
Naranon meetings can help you a lot. I go to Alanon, and it helped me see how much I contributed to the dysfunctional dynamic of the relationship. Think long and hard about whether you want to marry this guy, and if you do go through with it, consider not having children with him. I have a son with my alcoholic ex and it adds a whole other dimension to the suffering when children are involved and the addict consistently chooses their drug of choice over their family.
This thread was over on the F&F of Alcoholics a few weeks ago. Many people have been in your shoes, at that same crossroads where you are right now and then gone on and lived years trying to make a relationship work with an addict. Most of them did not have a happily ever after. I personally would have made a different choice, knowing what I know now. I would have left when I was pregnant and never looked back.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
If addicts had this kind of control they wouldn't be addicts.
I just feel stuck. I'm constantly worried he's doing it again, I am always searching our home, every nook and cranny, looking for any evidence that he could be using again. So far, he's been acting normal and I see no signs that he's been using. (I have been able to figure out now when he's using based on his behaviors after researching a lot!).
This is where we as family and friends get just as sick as the addict. I used to tear the house apart looking for my alcoholic ex's liquor stashes. We nag, scold, guilt trip, cry, plead and try to micromanage the addict into sobriety and in the process we become just as sick as they are.
And when we talk about our upcoming wedding and our future together, the outlook looks great, but I worry all the time now about him.
How does the future look great? This is another example of how we get just as sick as the addict. Just as he is lying about his frequency and duration of use and ability to quit, we lie to ourselves that planning a future with an active addict is a good idea because we are living in a rose-colored fantasy land where love fixes everything for our personal version of happily ever after.
Naranon meetings can help you a lot. I go to Alanon, and it helped me see how much I contributed to the dysfunctional dynamic of the relationship. Think long and hard about whether you want to marry this guy, and if you do go through with it, consider not having children with him. I have a son with my alcoholic ex and it adds a whole other dimension to the suffering when children are involved and the addict consistently chooses their drug of choice over their family.
This thread was over on the F&F of Alcoholics a few weeks ago. Many people have been in your shoes, at that same crossroads where you are right now and then gone on and lived years trying to make a relationship work with an addict. Most of them did not have a happily ever after. I personally would have made a different choice, knowing what I know now. I would have left when I was pregnant and never looked back.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Hi welcome to SR Neighbor. Sorry for what brings you here though. I'm an addict in recovery. The above posters are spot on about what they say. Opiate pain pills were my DOC..If I could have quit just because I loved my husband and kids I wouldn't be struggling with this 15 years later! I'm not going to tell you what to do as far as your relationship goes...that is for you to decide. But I will tell you to read, read, read....everything you possibly can here on this forum or anywhere else and learn learn learn about addiction!
If it were that easy to quit...none of us would be here!
I will tell you right now that I told my husband everything and anything he wanted to hear. Whenever he caught me "oh, well this is the only time and its my last time!" Or "I don't even like it anymore but you know someone had some...so I just took a little....but I'm done now hunny I'm done...It's you I love!" Anything and everything to get him off my back so I can keep right on using. My husband didn't know the half of how long or how much I used. I always minimized it.
See the problem with opiates is that there aren't physical signs....not if we are on our guard and keeping it secret. I worked everyday came home took care of my kids and not one person knew I was using! It's that subtle, which is why so many get addicted to it. The signs of opiate addiction come from our bank accounts....but H is a whole lot cheaper than pills...so if he's working, you may not even notice the money missing. Probably the biggest sign that my family noticed was when I couldn't get my fix and would start withdrawing. I'd be in bed....waiting with my phone for my dealer to text me. Then suddenly, out of the blue I needed to run to the store to pick up some "milk". Then what would normally take a 15 min. trip to the store would take 1 hour or more. Because my dealer was always late. So then I'd have to come up with some lame excuse for why it took me so long. Then, of course, once I'm back I'm full of energy...made a miraculous recovery. So it's signs like these...but really do you want to spend the next 25 years looking for signs? Is that what you want your life to be like? Because, unless your fiancé is willing to do the hard work it takes to recover from a Heroin addiction...he isn't even thinking about quitting. When I say hard work I mean get into a recovery program...whether that is meetings, IOP or rehab. Because it is very very rare for a H addict to wake up one day and say "I quit." He's going to need support and/or professional treatment. So you see it's not that simple....that's what he wants you to think....but don't be fooled.
Good luck and remember educate yourself.
If it were that easy to quit...none of us would be here!
I will tell you right now that I told my husband everything and anything he wanted to hear. Whenever he caught me "oh, well this is the only time and its my last time!" Or "I don't even like it anymore but you know someone had some...so I just took a little....but I'm done now hunny I'm done...It's you I love!" Anything and everything to get him off my back so I can keep right on using. My husband didn't know the half of how long or how much I used. I always minimized it.
See the problem with opiates is that there aren't physical signs....not if we are on our guard and keeping it secret. I worked everyday came home took care of my kids and not one person knew I was using! It's that subtle, which is why so many get addicted to it. The signs of opiate addiction come from our bank accounts....but H is a whole lot cheaper than pills...so if he's working, you may not even notice the money missing. Probably the biggest sign that my family noticed was when I couldn't get my fix and would start withdrawing. I'd be in bed....waiting with my phone for my dealer to text me. Then suddenly, out of the blue I needed to run to the store to pick up some "milk". Then what would normally take a 15 min. trip to the store would take 1 hour or more. Because my dealer was always late. So then I'd have to come up with some lame excuse for why it took me so long. Then, of course, once I'm back I'm full of energy...made a miraculous recovery. So it's signs like these...but really do you want to spend the next 25 years looking for signs? Is that what you want your life to be like? Because, unless your fiancé is willing to do the hard work it takes to recover from a Heroin addiction...he isn't even thinking about quitting. When I say hard work I mean get into a recovery program...whether that is meetings, IOP or rehab. Because it is very very rare for a H addict to wake up one day and say "I quit." He's going to need support and/or professional treatment. So you see it's not that simple....that's what he wants you to think....but don't be fooled.
Good luck and remember educate yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 5
Thank you all for your thoughts on this - it is EXTREMELY helpful to know there are others out there who have dealt with this that can offer support.
I do not plan on leaving him at this time as I truly want to be there to support him through this. I know some of you may think I'm crazy and that I should run fast and far, but this man is also my best friend and I can't imagine not trying to help him right now.
I just need help getting through this myself. I want to learn everything I can about this drug and what it's doing.
CleaninLI - how did you finally quit? How did you earn the trust back of your friends and family?
I do not plan on leaving him at this time as I truly want to be there to support him through this. I know some of you may think I'm crazy and that I should run fast and far, but this man is also my best friend and I can't imagine not trying to help him right now.
I just need help getting through this myself. I want to learn everything I can about this drug and what it's doing.
CleaninLI - how did you finally quit? How did you earn the trust back of your friends and family?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
It was a long process..I kind of touched on it yesterday here on this thread. I hope you don't mind my sending you this link. Right now it's second to the last post...but I'm sure that will change. Ha!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ecovery-3.html
I earned trust back by not using...remaining clean...and doing what I had to do to stay that way. It didn't happen overnight.
Wether you choose to stay or not is not my concern....but I can't say enough about your fiancé getting proffesional treatment. He may believe he can just quit on his own...but it's not so simple. Its very very hard to do it on your own. Detoxing and going thru the withdrawal is the easy part....it's staying quit that's the hard part. For that he will need to learn the tools and if he suffers from any other mental health problems, depression or anxiety or anything else....it needs treatment...to prevent his going back to substances.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ecovery-3.html
I earned trust back by not using...remaining clean...and doing what I had to do to stay that way. It didn't happen overnight.
Wether you choose to stay or not is not my concern....but I can't say enough about your fiancé getting proffesional treatment. He may believe he can just quit on his own...but it's not so simple. Its very very hard to do it on your own. Detoxing and going thru the withdrawal is the easy part....it's staying quit that's the hard part. For that he will need to learn the tools and if he suffers from any other mental health problems, depression or anxiety or anything else....it needs treatment...to prevent his going back to substances.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 93
I've been married almost 3 years. 7 months ago I found out my husband has a heroin addiction. He's been clean since (he went into a 5 week intensive outpatient treatment). Overall things have been okay, and super busy with a 4 month old & a 2 1/2 yr old. However, I actually logged back on yesterday due to my frustration with the lack of sex. It has been over a year now since we have had any sort of real, consistent intimacy (he tried heroin in August probably, and I think by October/November he was into the full fledged addiction, so he was on it for approx 6 months). I'm actually still amazed that we even got pregnant-It's def true it only takes once. Now, he is on a maintenance medicine, which I think is the only reason he has been able to stay clean. I honestly don't know how we will fix our intimacy issues when he gets off of the meds at hopefully around the 2 year sober mark. My self esteem is so incredibly damaged at this point-being post pregnancy does not help-I don't know what to do. Intellectually, I know its the meds that keep his sex drive non existent. But, as a woman who got married with the expectation of NOT living like a nun, it has been impossible for me to not be bothered. I've actually come to accept that the heroin addiction won't be what ruins our marriage, it'll be the lack of intimacy. You can look at some of my old posts, everything else you mentioned in your post, I've been there, but the sex part is the biggest problem for us right now. And I do mean right now. Later this week it might be trust. Overall, things are so much better than I anticipated them being, but it's still a loong way from being a good, happy, trusting marriage. You need to do what feels right to you, but as someone who has been through hell this year, you couldn't have drug me to the alter with a team of wild horses if I had known what was in store for us. Engagements can last as long as you need them to before finalizing your commitment with marriage.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board. I'm grateful that our members have given you the welcome that they have, and I'm also grateful they've shared their experiences with you. A lot of our members have wisdom earned the hard way, so I encourage you to pay close attention to what they share with you.
My thoughts?
Allow me to be frank. So long as heroin is in this picture, there is no future with him. At least not the kind of future that you want. The fact that your intimate life has suffered is the least of your problems. You have already caught him in several lies.
Imagine a scenario where you share bank accounts, and you notice hundreds or even thousands of dollars missing. Imagine phone calls from debt collectors, informing you your husband's behind on car payments, or mortgage payments. Imagine him crashing the car while he's under the influence. All of this is within the realm of possibility when dealing with addicts. If you read enough posts, you'll see all of the things I've described have happened in one form or another. Makes getting off seem a bit less important, doesn't it.
That being said, we're not couples counselors here. We can only share with you how we have dealt with the addicts in our life. But what I will tell you is you can't be in denial about what you're up against. CleaninLI's words are words you need to pay attention to, as is a little sticky note on our homepage called "What Addicts Do". The more you learn and the more you understand, the better you will be at making the best decisions you can for yourself...provided you allow your brain to know what it knows.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
My thoughts?
I ask myself things like: Is this going to be my life now? Am I wrong for staying with him? I love him, I really do. And when we talk about our upcoming wedding and our future together, the outlook looks great, but I worry all the time now about him.
Imagine a scenario where you share bank accounts, and you notice hundreds or even thousands of dollars missing. Imagine phone calls from debt collectors, informing you your husband's behind on car payments, or mortgage payments. Imagine him crashing the car while he's under the influence. All of this is within the realm of possibility when dealing with addicts. If you read enough posts, you'll see all of the things I've described have happened in one form or another. Makes getting off seem a bit less important, doesn't it.
That being said, we're not couples counselors here. We can only share with you how we have dealt with the addicts in our life. But what I will tell you is you can't be in denial about what you're up against. CleaninLI's words are words you need to pay attention to, as is a little sticky note on our homepage called "What Addicts Do". The more you learn and the more you understand, the better you will be at making the best decisions you can for yourself...provided you allow your brain to know what it knows.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am going to very very gently say the outlook does not look so great. H is so so hard to recover from. I hope you do a lot of reading here and step back from the relationship until he shows through actions over the long term that he can recover.
So so sorry.
So so sorry.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 57
I suggest starting a journal of your feelings and what happens in your relationship. Bad memories fade, but you cannot refute your own words documenting the occurrence/recurrence of certain things. I myself started a journal a couple of years ago when my EXABF's H habit consumed our relationship. I periodically look back at different entries and am struck by the fact that over several years, the problems are the same. I would say the most important thing that you can do is hold yourself accountable. If you stay with him, acknowledge that you are consciously choosing to stay with him, and you are willing to accept whatever consequences that may bring, good or bad.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 93
It's the clean future to worry about though- Active addiction is bad. But if he gets himself help, then you have to deal with life. I was in a unique situation I suppose- I have always handled all the finances, so there could never be a call from someone who was owed money because I always paid every bill. So he went through thousands of dollars, but always brought enough home that the bills could be paid because I would've gone ballistic. I remember one occasion, his mom was telling us that we can qualify for heat assistance. He said he would look into it since I refused to. I responded immediately that I had looked, and we didn't qualify. He was so confused as to how we didn't qualify, and I was very blunt that we made plenty of money, we aren't poor, we just don't ever have any money.
Anyways...It's not just about the "getting off". It's the depression that builds when there is no intimacy- You don't feel like you are loved. All the mental aspects of sex, the endorphins, they make your brain trust your partner more.
So, if you can get through the active addiction, into recovery, into trying to trust them, sex does matter. Maybe it is more important to us women, I don't know. The media does consonantly try to ingrain in us that the only worth we have is as a sex object. Now, I like to say F off to media & anyone that is demeaning to women, but I also see nothing that could be attractive about my flabby stomach or breasts that are showing the wear of breastfeeding, or the stretch marks that haven't faded, the list goes on and on and on. But just MAYBE, it would be a little easier to not be disgusted by myself if I could believe that my HUSBAND isn't disgusted by me. I try to tell myself its the meds, but what I believe deep down is that i'm not worth having sex with to him. but my body is disgusting because I have carried 2 of HIS children. I did all that work, gave up so much, and he can't even bring himself to have sex with me???
Now I'm crying. zoso, there is just so much that goes on inside our heads in regards to sex. I don't think men can understand it.
I just read back through this- it's all one day at a time. And that PISSES me off. I have kids, I have a future I want, I have a ten year plan to be out of debt, but I'm not supposed to. I'm supposed to just think one day at a time because I had the misfortune to marry someone who thought it was okay to stick a needle in his arm? I want more kids, but how can I bring more lives into the world not knowing if they are going to be born to a father that might go back to drugs and abandon his family? Raising kids with a spouse in active addiction is NOT an option for me. But I'm not supposed to think about any of that. Just one day at a time!
Ms, this is a long, hard, miserable road. Be prepared for that. Even if he proves to really want help, and gets it, and gets clean, it is still a long, hard, miserable road. Addiction to one thing morphs into addiction to something else very easily. My husband used to buy scratchers, I hated it then but now I turn into a psycho. He has to make his own choices, blah blah blah, but what about when/if he makes the wrong choices? Then my life gets a lot harder. He gets removed from the house (by me), I raise 2 or more children as a single parent, I support us 100%- cause I wouldn't be able to trust him to help. That fear is never going to go away. After some good time, you can shove it down, but then one day he is real sleepy, or he comes home from work an hour late, or you ask him about the $20 bucks he took and he can't account for every single penny. All of these can happen for any reason, but when you are with an addict, you tend to get scared when any one of those things happen. Now, my husband is at 7 months sober. Maybe at 5 years, 10 years, that fear will start to diminish. but, they can slip up 10, 20 years down the road. Now, again, one day at a time!
I have a lot of posts that are more positive. But right now, it's been a year since I found out I was pregnant, it's almost my birthday, and he didn't come home until 9 pm last year on my birthday and then he sat in the bathroom for hours until he finally went to bed. And it's almost our 3rd anniversary and last year, (see above). And it is almost his birthday, and last year I cooked him a nice meal and baked a cake, and he didn't eat it or care, and (see above). and it's getting cold, and last year the only reason we didn't end up living in one room of our house to stay warm, and then staying warm with space heaters is because I have a fantastic family, because even though he brought home enough to pay the bills, he wasn't bringing home enough to buy more propane when prices skyrocketed. And we were talking about christmas with his family last night, and last year his sister quit talking to me for 4 months because I wouldnt participate in the gift exchange among the 3rd cousins, because 1) i think it's stupid, but 2) we couldn't buy propane, I wasn't going to buy a present for a kid I don't know.
*sigh* I think it's probably time to schedule another appointment with our marriage counselor.
Anyways...It's not just about the "getting off". It's the depression that builds when there is no intimacy- You don't feel like you are loved. All the mental aspects of sex, the endorphins, they make your brain trust your partner more.
So, if you can get through the active addiction, into recovery, into trying to trust them, sex does matter. Maybe it is more important to us women, I don't know. The media does consonantly try to ingrain in us that the only worth we have is as a sex object. Now, I like to say F off to media & anyone that is demeaning to women, but I also see nothing that could be attractive about my flabby stomach or breasts that are showing the wear of breastfeeding, or the stretch marks that haven't faded, the list goes on and on and on. But just MAYBE, it would be a little easier to not be disgusted by myself if I could believe that my HUSBAND isn't disgusted by me. I try to tell myself its the meds, but what I believe deep down is that i'm not worth having sex with to him. but my body is disgusting because I have carried 2 of HIS children. I did all that work, gave up so much, and he can't even bring himself to have sex with me???
Now I'm crying. zoso, there is just so much that goes on inside our heads in regards to sex. I don't think men can understand it.
I just read back through this- it's all one day at a time. And that PISSES me off. I have kids, I have a future I want, I have a ten year plan to be out of debt, but I'm not supposed to. I'm supposed to just think one day at a time because I had the misfortune to marry someone who thought it was okay to stick a needle in his arm? I want more kids, but how can I bring more lives into the world not knowing if they are going to be born to a father that might go back to drugs and abandon his family? Raising kids with a spouse in active addiction is NOT an option for me. But I'm not supposed to think about any of that. Just one day at a time!
Ms, this is a long, hard, miserable road. Be prepared for that. Even if he proves to really want help, and gets it, and gets clean, it is still a long, hard, miserable road. Addiction to one thing morphs into addiction to something else very easily. My husband used to buy scratchers, I hated it then but now I turn into a psycho. He has to make his own choices, blah blah blah, but what about when/if he makes the wrong choices? Then my life gets a lot harder. He gets removed from the house (by me), I raise 2 or more children as a single parent, I support us 100%- cause I wouldn't be able to trust him to help. That fear is never going to go away. After some good time, you can shove it down, but then one day he is real sleepy, or he comes home from work an hour late, or you ask him about the $20 bucks he took and he can't account for every single penny. All of these can happen for any reason, but when you are with an addict, you tend to get scared when any one of those things happen. Now, my husband is at 7 months sober. Maybe at 5 years, 10 years, that fear will start to diminish. but, they can slip up 10, 20 years down the road. Now, again, one day at a time!
I have a lot of posts that are more positive. But right now, it's been a year since I found out I was pregnant, it's almost my birthday, and he didn't come home until 9 pm last year on my birthday and then he sat in the bathroom for hours until he finally went to bed. And it's almost our 3rd anniversary and last year, (see above). And it is almost his birthday, and last year I cooked him a nice meal and baked a cake, and he didn't eat it or care, and (see above). and it's getting cold, and last year the only reason we didn't end up living in one room of our house to stay warm, and then staying warm with space heaters is because I have a fantastic family, because even though he brought home enough to pay the bills, he wasn't bringing home enough to buy more propane when prices skyrocketed. And we were talking about christmas with his family last night, and last year his sister quit talking to me for 4 months because I wouldnt participate in the gift exchange among the 3rd cousins, because 1) i think it's stupid, but 2) we couldn't buy propane, I wasn't going to buy a present for a kid I don't know.
*sigh* I think it's probably time to schedule another appointment with our marriage counselor.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Cleveland, ohio
Posts: 49
Ugh I can relate My fiance Is A H addict. When we got back together he was clean and remained clean well over a year. Things were great until he relapsed. Now we have no trust I have lost my best friend. I'm 90% sure I'm done call off the wedding...break our 9yo daughter's heart by telling her that her parents will not be together anymore. I don't want to live every day in fear or relapse....I can't be a detective my whole life. We deserve better. ...it's tough but I feel it's what I have to do. Please seek help I have been attending therapy it helps! Also find a narnoon meeting and read all you can on here. I have been trying for months to be there for my fiance but I don't think I can at the expense of my own happiness
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Addiction crushed my marriage after 30years...the addicts are my daughters. Some people can't understand what addiction brings to a family, the drama and lack of trust and the blame games...some people have to walk away, my husband had to walk away, which made
the remaining (sober or in recovery) family members wondering...who is next.
the remaining (sober or in recovery) family members wondering...who is next.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Now I'm crying. zoso, there is just so much that goes on inside our heads in regards to sex. I don't think men can understand it.
But here's the way I look at it. Take it for what it's worth, as this is only my opinion.
When we're young, the easiest a couple can do is bang the snot out of each other in the backseat of your car. It's easy to get lost in the passion of that moment, especially when you're in your 20's. And while this is only a guess on my part, I imagine women have a lot more at stake emotionally in those moments. They're a lot more vulnerable.
So you bang and bang and bang in the backseat of your car. And not only is it a lot of fun, the intimacy of it all is extremely powerful.
But there comes a time when you have to get in the front seat to actually drive the car. And that's not so easy, is it. You have to be responsible for yourself, your passenger, and others that may impacted by your driving.
This, of course, is a metaphor for life and the responsibilities that we have both to ourselves but to others in our lives. And my point is even if the addict was capable of sexual intimacy, they're not capable of the other things that are required to be a responsible, accountable romantic partner.
In my own experience with my AXGF, the one thing she was good at was sex. She was incredible in the wrapper. Absolutely amazing. But she was also banging other men behind my back and she refused to conform to what I considered acceptable norms for being in a romantic relationship. She used sex as a trump card, in retrospect...a means to keep me in line. And it worked...for a while. When I finally learned how to detach from her, not so much. She resented it; thus, she ultimately did what she did.
At the end of the day, at least in my view, when you're dealing with sick people, sex is just sex. If they're not capable of honesty...if they're not capable of respecting boundaries...if they're not capable of respecting us...if they're not capable of being present when we need support...then not getting laid is the least of our problems.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
MsSoonMrs – no one thinks you are crazy, most of us have been right where you are today in trying to figure it all out.
I hope you stick around and share what you are facing and hear how others have dealt with it.
Active addiction and recovery are very different, they look different, they feel different and you’ll begin to recognize both.
I think the natural response from many is to run fast and far because active addiction took precedence over recovery in most of their cases. Years of riding that cycle – clean for a while then relapse, clean for a while then relapse.
It is said that anything he puts ahead of his recovery – you, his job, his friends, etc. he will eventually lose. If he could beat this on his own without any outside help, he would have by now but I’m guessing his addiction has been with him longer then you have! It’s not going to be easy for him to give it up. What kind of a plan does he have in place, what outside help has HE found for himself? All of these things are important in knowing how serious he really is about quitting. If he’s really not done a thing other than say some words he’s probably not ready to give it up yet. He can “manage” it for a while, hide it better but more will be revealed.
One thing I would strongly suggest is don’t gauge his love for you on whether or not he quits or stays quit. That’s unrealistic to expect.
I hope you stick around and share what you are facing and hear how others have dealt with it.
Active addiction and recovery are very different, they look different, they feel different and you’ll begin to recognize both.
I think the natural response from many is to run fast and far because active addiction took precedence over recovery in most of their cases. Years of riding that cycle – clean for a while then relapse, clean for a while then relapse.
It is said that anything he puts ahead of his recovery – you, his job, his friends, etc. he will eventually lose. If he could beat this on his own without any outside help, he would have by now but I’m guessing his addiction has been with him longer then you have! It’s not going to be easy for him to give it up. What kind of a plan does he have in place, what outside help has HE found for himself? All of these things are important in knowing how serious he really is about quitting. If he’s really not done a thing other than say some words he’s probably not ready to give it up yet. He can “manage” it for a while, hide it better but more will be revealed.
One thing I would strongly suggest is don’t gauge his love for you on whether or not he quits or stays quit. That’s unrealistic to expect.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by SadWife7 
It's the clean future to worry about though- Active addiction is bad. But if he gets himself help, then you have to deal with life.
Anyways...It's not just about the "getting off". It's the depression that builds when there is no intimacy- You don't feel like you are loved. All the mental aspects of sex, the endorphins, they make your brain trust your partner more.
So, if you can get through the active addiction, into recovery, into trying to trust them, sex does matter. Maybe it is more important to us women, I don't know. The media does consonantly try to ingrain in us that the only worth we have is as a sex object. Now, I like to say F off to media & anyone that is demeaning to women, but I also see nothing that could be attractive about my flabby stomach or breasts that are showing the wear of breastfeeding, or the stretch marks that haven't faded, the list goes on and on and on. But just MAYBE, it would be a little easier to not be disgusted by myself if I could believe that my HUSBAND isn't disgusted by me. I try to tell myself its the meds, but what I believe deep down is that i'm not worth having sex with to him. but my body is disgusting because I have carried 2 of HIS children. I did all that work, gave up so much, and he can't even bring himself to have sex with me???
Now I'm crying. zoso, there is just so much that goes on inside our heads in regards to sex. I don't think men can understand it.
I just read back through this- it's all one day at a time. And that PISSES me off. I have kids, I have a future I want, I have a ten year plan to be out of debt, but I'm not supposed to. I'm supposed to just think one day at a time because I had the misfortune to marry someone who thought it was okay to stick a needle in his arm? I want more kids, but how can I bring more lives into the world not knowing if they are going to be born to a father that might go back to drugs and abandon his family? Raising kids with a spouse in active addiction is NOT an option for me. But I'm not supposed to think about any of that. Just one day at a time!
Ms, this is a long, hard, miserable road. Be prepared for that. Even if he proves to really want help, and gets it, and gets clean, it is still a long, hard, miserable road. Addiction to one thing morphs into addiction to something else very easily. My husband used to buy scratchers, I hated it then but now I turn into a psycho. He has to make his own choices, blah blah blah, but what about when/if he makes the wrong choices? Then my life gets a lot harder. He gets removed from the house (by me), I raise 2 or more children as a single parent, I support us 100%- cause I wouldn't be able to trust him to help. That fear is never going to go away. After some good time, you can shove it down, but then one day he is real sleepy, or he comes home from work an hour late, or you ask him about the $20 bucks he took and he can't account for every single penny. All of these can happen for any reason, but when you are with an addict, you tend to get scared when any one of those things happen. Now, my husband is at 7 months sober. Maybe at 5 years, 10 years, that fear will start to diminish. but, they can slip up 10, 20 years down the road. Now, again, one day at a time!
*sigh* I think it's probably time to schedule another appointment with our marriage counselor.
Anyways...It's not just about the "getting off". It's the depression that builds when there is no intimacy- You don't feel like you are loved. All the mental aspects of sex, the endorphins, they make your brain trust your partner more.
So, if you can get through the active addiction, into recovery, into trying to trust them, sex does matter. Maybe it is more important to us women, I don't know. The media does consonantly try to ingrain in us that the only worth we have is as a sex object. Now, I like to say F off to media & anyone that is demeaning to women, but I also see nothing that could be attractive about my flabby stomach or breasts that are showing the wear of breastfeeding, or the stretch marks that haven't faded, the list goes on and on and on. But just MAYBE, it would be a little easier to not be disgusted by myself if I could believe that my HUSBAND isn't disgusted by me. I try to tell myself its the meds, but what I believe deep down is that i'm not worth having sex with to him. but my body is disgusting because I have carried 2 of HIS children. I did all that work, gave up so much, and he can't even bring himself to have sex with me???
Now I'm crying. zoso, there is just so much that goes on inside our heads in regards to sex. I don't think men can understand it.
I just read back through this- it's all one day at a time. And that PISSES me off. I have kids, I have a future I want, I have a ten year plan to be out of debt, but I'm not supposed to. I'm supposed to just think one day at a time because I had the misfortune to marry someone who thought it was okay to stick a needle in his arm? I want more kids, but how can I bring more lives into the world not knowing if they are going to be born to a father that might go back to drugs and abandon his family? Raising kids with a spouse in active addiction is NOT an option for me. But I'm not supposed to think about any of that. Just one day at a time!
Ms, this is a long, hard, miserable road. Be prepared for that. Even if he proves to really want help, and gets it, and gets clean, it is still a long, hard, miserable road. Addiction to one thing morphs into addiction to something else very easily. My husband used to buy scratchers, I hated it then but now I turn into a psycho. He has to make his own choices, blah blah blah, but what about when/if he makes the wrong choices? Then my life gets a lot harder. He gets removed from the house (by me), I raise 2 or more children as a single parent, I support us 100%- cause I wouldn't be able to trust him to help. That fear is never going to go away. After some good time, you can shove it down, but then one day he is real sleepy, or he comes home from work an hour late, or you ask him about the $20 bucks he took and he can't account for every single penny. All of these can happen for any reason, but when you are with an addict, you tend to get scared when any one of those things happen. Now, my husband is at 7 months sober. Maybe at 5 years, 10 years, that fear will start to diminish. but, they can slip up 10, 20 years down the road. Now, again, one day at a time!
*sigh* I think it's probably time to schedule another appointment with our marriage counselor.
I still get hit with fear over the future now and then, but I try not to let it become excessive because its something I have control over. If you think about it, there are million things we could worry about every day. traffic accidents, losing jobs, stock market crashes, heart attacks. If we let our minds go to these dark places then we will be frozen in fear.
I had to send you some ((hugs)) because as you said above your often more positive. Ive seen those posts from you, so I know today your feeling down.
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