My fiance is a heroin addict and I feel so alone
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 5
I understand that an addict will always have those urges to want to go back to the drug - I've read that people who have done heroin will forever have those cravings, it's just what they do as a reaction to it that matters.
I guess I just want to see what we can do while he's willingly trying to get help. I'm not worried a lot about money since I handle both of our budgets every month, so I know our bills are getting paid. What I lost track of was the money he had after the bills were paid - and that is what I've started to be tighter on. He's willingly allowed that as well, knowing that he needs help.
I've known him since I was 15 years old - and I am now 32. This guy is my best friend, my love and I just want to get him help. I want to support him, knowing full well that it's going to be a long, hard road for me too in deciding that.
What's been so helpful for me on this board so far is you all. Just having people to vent to, talk to, or ask questions of... that has helped me. I have no one else to talk to as I won't go to my friends or family about this, so I appreciate it. You all are telling it like it is based on your experiences and I am so grateful.
I guess I just want to see what we can do while he's willingly trying to get help. I'm not worried a lot about money since I handle both of our budgets every month, so I know our bills are getting paid. What I lost track of was the money he had after the bills were paid - and that is what I've started to be tighter on. He's willingly allowed that as well, knowing that he needs help.
I've known him since I was 15 years old - and I am now 32. This guy is my best friend, my love and I just want to get him help. I want to support him, knowing full well that it's going to be a long, hard road for me too in deciding that.
What's been so helpful for me on this board so far is you all. Just having people to vent to, talk to, or ask questions of... that has helped me. I have no one else to talk to as I won't go to my friends or family about this, so I appreciate it. You all are telling it like it is based on your experiences and I am so grateful.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Far above my co-dependent rock bottom.
Posts: 50
Hi MSM
My experience is in some ways similar to yours (the early part).
I just want to make a couple of points from my own experience
1- You can't help him get clean, get better, or whatever. The more you help an addict, the more you're hurting him. Even if they've decided to quit. You can't help. It's the reverse logic of normal life, so it takes a while before a loved one can understand that.
2- You DO need to protect yourself, because you stand to lose so much as a loved one, I won't go into details here, but the effects on you tend to get bigger and bigger as time goes on. Again, it doesn't matter if they want to quit or not. Because even if they find it easy to quit, physically, their brains are messed up, and they are not going to be ideal partners to you, even when sober. MAYBE many years down the road they can be good partners, but very few couples make it that long. The problem is, we as partners take their behavior personally, think we can do something, but we can't. It's very hard to accept how unbelievably powerless you get to feel. I know, your boyfriend is part of your life. But from now on, to keep your sanity, you need to concentrate a lot more on you, coz that's the only thing you have power over.
3- To take care of yourself, it will be helpful to talk with people, in real life as well as here. I was surprised by how supportive and non-judgmental people were, even my family. I had really made it so dramatic in my head, and it wasn't that big a deal. The strain of having to lie to my family almost killed me. Telling everyone the truth was just a relief, in the end.
I know you want to protect your boyfriend's privacy. But down the line, people will find out, because this is not the kind of thing that can stay hidden forever, unless you basically stop having any real communication with all your people. It's just not worth it. Al-anon is also very helpful.
Wishing you all the best----TAKE CARE OF YOU!
My experience is in some ways similar to yours (the early part).
I just want to make a couple of points from my own experience
1- You can't help him get clean, get better, or whatever. The more you help an addict, the more you're hurting him. Even if they've decided to quit. You can't help. It's the reverse logic of normal life, so it takes a while before a loved one can understand that.
2- You DO need to protect yourself, because you stand to lose so much as a loved one, I won't go into details here, but the effects on you tend to get bigger and bigger as time goes on. Again, it doesn't matter if they want to quit or not. Because even if they find it easy to quit, physically, their brains are messed up, and they are not going to be ideal partners to you, even when sober. MAYBE many years down the road they can be good partners, but very few couples make it that long. The problem is, we as partners take their behavior personally, think we can do something, but we can't. It's very hard to accept how unbelievably powerless you get to feel. I know, your boyfriend is part of your life. But from now on, to keep your sanity, you need to concentrate a lot more on you, coz that's the only thing you have power over.
3- To take care of yourself, it will be helpful to talk with people, in real life as well as here. I was surprised by how supportive and non-judgmental people were, even my family. I had really made it so dramatic in my head, and it wasn't that big a deal. The strain of having to lie to my family almost killed me. Telling everyone the truth was just a relief, in the end.
I know you want to protect your boyfriend's privacy. But down the line, people will find out, because this is not the kind of thing that can stay hidden forever, unless you basically stop having any real communication with all your people. It's just not worth it. Al-anon is also very helpful.
Wishing you all the best----TAKE CARE OF YOU!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I've known him since I was 15 years old - and I am now 32. This guy is my best friend, my love and I just want to get him help. I want to support him, knowing full well that it's going to be a long, hard road for me too in deciding that.
But what you need to be aware of is all the love and support you give him, at the end of the day, will not make a bit of difference if he's not ready to embrace recovery.
Prepare yourself for doing what you may not want to do. And please keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Montclair, NJ
Posts: 51
I can totally relate to your situation. My girlfriend of 3 years is a junkie. I found out 18 months into the relationship (she left out a bill from one of her detox visits). She was then then on a suboxone maintenance program for 18 months. Then she relapsed again, and it was a crushing relapse, just enormous amounts of oxy and heroin.
She's now out of detox and inpatient rehab, and she's going to intensive outpatient rehab and some NA meetings. She's also on Vivitrol.
All of the above-comments are, in my mind, spot on. If he's not in a recovery program, it's immaterial whether he's clean for days or weeks or months. He has to be in recovery. Otherwise you will always be on an endless cycle of relapse. No one can do this by themselves.
I would set clear boundaries that you can really enforce. Here are mine:
1. I won't live with her if I think she's taking drugs. I don't need proof. If I think she's doing it, I won't live with her. This includes no sleepovers.
2. Likewise I won't live with her if she does not stay in a full blown recovery program -- IOP, NA meetings, a sponsor, a therapist.
3. Although she is participating in rehab at the moment, and she's clean at the moment, because it has only been 30 days, and because she's repeatedly relapsed and lied about it before, I am not living with her until she has a substantial amount of clean time (at least a year).
4. Because of the foregoing, all of our prior plans (living together, getting a house together, having kids, getting married) are put on indefinite hold. We don't even think about that ****.
5. No topic of discussion is off limits. If she tries to shut down the conversation or yells or stalks out of the room just because I asked a question, then I will have nothing to do with her at all.
6. She is now 50% responsible for the relationship. I tell her she has to make at least as much an effort to see me as she used to make to see her drug dealer. I'm tired of carrying the ball, and I refuse to be in a co-dependent relationship any longer.
The second thing I would say is stop worrying about his recovery (or lack thereof). I don't mean stop caring. But stop worrying about it. I hope she stays clean, and I give her loads and loads of encouragement. Yesterday we celebrated and went out to dinner for the 30 days. But I refuse to worry about it. If she ***** up, it's on her. Only she can make a change.
Third, I would start worrying about yourself. Based on what happened to me, and based on how you sound, I imagine you're a wreck. See a therapist, go to Nar-Anon meetings, exercise a lot, start seeing more of your friends. Your fiance may sink or swim, but regardless, don't let him pull you down with him.
Do not, repeat, do not get married to this guy unless and until he's in recovery and has a lot of clean time. Don't have kids with him. Don't even live with him. Seriously.
She's now out of detox and inpatient rehab, and she's going to intensive outpatient rehab and some NA meetings. She's also on Vivitrol.
All of the above-comments are, in my mind, spot on. If he's not in a recovery program, it's immaterial whether he's clean for days or weeks or months. He has to be in recovery. Otherwise you will always be on an endless cycle of relapse. No one can do this by themselves.
I would set clear boundaries that you can really enforce. Here are mine:
1. I won't live with her if I think she's taking drugs. I don't need proof. If I think she's doing it, I won't live with her. This includes no sleepovers.
2. Likewise I won't live with her if she does not stay in a full blown recovery program -- IOP, NA meetings, a sponsor, a therapist.
3. Although she is participating in rehab at the moment, and she's clean at the moment, because it has only been 30 days, and because she's repeatedly relapsed and lied about it before, I am not living with her until she has a substantial amount of clean time (at least a year).
4. Because of the foregoing, all of our prior plans (living together, getting a house together, having kids, getting married) are put on indefinite hold. We don't even think about that ****.
5. No topic of discussion is off limits. If she tries to shut down the conversation or yells or stalks out of the room just because I asked a question, then I will have nothing to do with her at all.
6. She is now 50% responsible for the relationship. I tell her she has to make at least as much an effort to see me as she used to make to see her drug dealer. I'm tired of carrying the ball, and I refuse to be in a co-dependent relationship any longer.
The second thing I would say is stop worrying about his recovery (or lack thereof). I don't mean stop caring. But stop worrying about it. I hope she stays clean, and I give her loads and loads of encouragement. Yesterday we celebrated and went out to dinner for the 30 days. But I refuse to worry about it. If she ***** up, it's on her. Only she can make a change.
Third, I would start worrying about yourself. Based on what happened to me, and based on how you sound, I imagine you're a wreck. See a therapist, go to Nar-Anon meetings, exercise a lot, start seeing more of your friends. Your fiance may sink or swim, but regardless, don't let him pull you down with him.
Do not, repeat, do not get married to this guy unless and until he's in recovery and has a lot of clean time. Don't have kids with him. Don't even live with him. Seriously.
Member
.gif)
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Hesperia, CA
Posts: 26
I am going through a similar situation. My ABF is addicted to meth. He promised he quit but left me 2 weeks ago and I haven't heard from him. This behavior isn't him so I know he never stopped. He hasn't contacted me since he left. We have a 10 month old son together and I guess the pressure of taking care of us was to much. My heart aches everyday. We were suppose to raise our son together, get married and grow old together. This website has shed so much light. I now know I am not the only one heart broken and alone. All I can say is just keep getting support from friends and family they do help.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
You are not alone. I found out about 3.5 months ago that my boyfriend was using. He didn't bother telling me he was a recovering heroin addict (clean for 8+ years) and I found out he had relapsed on pills (supposedly only pills) seven months prior! That was more than half of our relationship spent using and I was completely blindsided. I knew nothing about addiction or most drugs, especially not opiates. I saw changes in him but without even knowing he was a recovering addict, I definitely would never suspect drugs.
There are no right or wrong answers and only you and your fiance can decide how your relationship should proceed. What I will tell you is to seek counseling for yourself and start attending Nar-Anon meetings immediately. Educate yourself about heroin. If you decide to stay with your fiance, only commit to one day at a time for now. Set boundaries but only ones you are willing to enforce.
Your fears are valid, and they were the same fears that I had. You sound like a very rational woman. Do not let your fiance convince you he doesn't need treatment. It is IMPERATIVE.
There are no right or wrong answers and only you and your fiance can decide how your relationship should proceed. What I will tell you is to seek counseling for yourself and start attending Nar-Anon meetings immediately. Educate yourself about heroin. If you decide to stay with your fiance, only commit to one day at a time for now. Set boundaries but only ones you are willing to enforce.
Your fears are valid, and they were the same fears that I had. You sound like a very rational woman. Do not let your fiance convince you he doesn't need treatment. It is IMPERATIVE.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by SadWife7 
I've been married almost 3 years. 7 months ago I found out my husband has a heroin addiction. He's been clean since (he went into a 5 week intensive outpatient treatment). Overall things have been okay, and super busy with a 4 month old & a 2 1/2 yr old. However, I actually logged back on yesterday due to my frustration with the lack of sex. It has been over a year now since we have had any sort of real, consistent intimacy (he tried heroin in August probably, and I think by October/November he was into the full fledged addiction, so he was on it for approx 6 months). I'm actually still amazed that we even got pregnant-It's def true it only takes once. Now, he is on a maintenance medicine, which I think is the only reason he has been able to stay clean. I honestly don't know how we will fix our intimacy issues when he gets off of the meds at hopefully around the 2 year sober mark. My self esteem is so incredibly damaged at this point-being post pregnancy does not help-I don't know what to do. Intellectually, I know its the meds that keep his sex drive non existent. But, as a woman who got married with the expectation of NOT living like a nun, it has been impossible for me to not be bothered. I've actually come to accept that the heroin addiction won't be what ruins our marriage, it'll be the lack of intimacy. You can look at some of my old posts, everything else you mentioned in your post, I've been there, but the sex part is the biggest problem for us right now. And I do mean right now. Later this week it might be trust. Overall, things are so much better than I anticipated them being, but it's still a loong way from being a good, happy, trusting marriage. You need to do what feels right to you, but as someone who has been through hell this year, you couldn't have drug me to the alter with a team of wild horses if I had known what was in store for us. Engagements can last as long as you need them to before finalizing your commitment with marriage.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
