CarmenLove

Hi,

I am new to this forum.
Yesterday I found out my husband is using heroin. He is smoking it. I feel shell shocked.

I knew that he had a problem with it many years ago and as far as I knew it was a thing of the past and he was healed of it.
As far as I know he has never used it while we have been together and married (3 years in total together and 1 year married), however I did have concerns about alcohol at the beginning of our relationship, and I wouldn't continue with him unless it got sorted. He stopped drinking. He did go to some meetings and said they weren't for him, and briefly saw a counsellor.

I had some concerns because I have read a little about addiction and it seemed to me as though he has never truly been through a recovery process as such, however I thought he would know best about his own life so I went with the flow.

A long story short we had been away traveling in Europe for 9 months this year and came back to the UK to settle for a while, and for him to work (I work from home) and we ended up staying at his Dad's house, where he had lived 15 years ago when he first had the problem with heroin before. I felt anxious about that and he said it was fine, he had no inclinations to go back to it, his life is too good. Then we had a few issues in our marriage - I found it hard staying with his parents and went away for a couple of weeks until we could move in to a new place together.

When I left (and I wasn't leaving him) something changed, and I have since found out that is when he starting using again. I knew something was up and I had my suspicions when I went back to rejoin him - however he denied it and lied and it was very convincing, as I realise is part of the addiction illness. I looked up signs of heroin use online and they were there. I was confused. Wanted to trust him.

Yesterday we moved to our new place and I found burned foil first. He told me he had done it once while I was away. Then later I saw him hiding it in his sock.

I asked for the full truth.

He told me he is using. Has been for about 8 weeks. He told me he cannot believe he started it again and doesn't understand why but that he felt worthless right before he started. He has debts and has been feeling bad about not being able to provide for his family (me and the dog).

He said the reason he wanted to move away from the place we were living at his Dad's (we both did) was because he wants to stop it. He wants it out of his life.

Even before this he had decided to see a counsellor / psychchiatrist when we got down here (although he had said it was for depression when he was still hiding his addiction). He doesn't like the idea of meetings as he attended some for drinking when I asked him to before and found it depressing - made him want to drink more not less. He says he prefers to be positive. I agree and still think things must be faced.

When the addiction came out yesterday I asked him to tell his mum as I was not willing to deal with this alone, and she was the one who helped him before. The problem first started when she left his dad many years ago, although I realise this is his stuff to deal with not mine.

He phoned her and told her.

While I realise there is nothing I can do for him, I also know I am codependent, at least to some degree. I am not quite sure what help to seek for myself or how to best take care of me.

He told me he was going cold turkey. That was his planning in coming to the new area. However he wanted to do it here. We are currently staying in a holiday home while we were waiting for our rental place to be ready.

I couldn't handle that, so although he stayed last night, this morning I checked him into a hotel around the corner to do it there. He did not want rehab. I made sure he knows I love him, and left him with plenty of water.

He was in a pretty bad way physically when I left him.

I feel awful,

I have no idea what I am doing or whether I am doing the right thing. I often wonder if I should have let him stay and feel guilty.

About our marriage I have told him I will not proceed while there are active addictions, and that he would have to be in recovery first. But that I still love him.

Can anyone chip in and let me know if I am doing OK.

I have support from both my mum and his, although I think his mum is still hoping we will move in together.

I am doing OK and still finding it hard. I know I am codependent as I feel a little afraid to be alone now and miss him... but I will.

Thank you.

CarmenLove

Also I am feeling confused about what to do or not do on Friday, when he hotel stay runs out. They are fully booked that night. He has no money although I owe him about £200 as he paid the rent for the holiday home I am currently staying in.

We are in a rural area, and he had a job lined up, although he was supposed to start tomorrow and I cannot see that he will be able to do the job... I think him getting clean is more important but I don't really know what I am doing.

I feel confused.

He wants to come back here and stay here with me - should I let him? I feel afraid to and afraid not to.

My mind goes to what if I don't, where would he sleep -

We have one car between us.

djlook

CarmenLove

I copied this for you. Many of us here on this site have found it helpful.


"If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me. Don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it. Don’t stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ... Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ... The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ... I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar. ---Passion

CarmenLove

Thank you djhook.

zoso77

Carmen,

Welcome to the Board. I'm grateful and relieved that you found us and took the time to post about your husband.

It's a bit of a slow day here; others will be by to greet you, but when greeting new members, I like to throw in my two cents as well.

So the best way to address his debts and to provide for his family is to pick up? This is a lot of bunk. He picked up because he wanted to, and he will use any excuse that's available to him to justify what is truly unjustifiable. What's going to happen to his debts when he's using of his available money to support his habit? How does this support you and the dog?

The probability that he's going to be able to quit heroin cold turkey is quite low. Not exactly zero, but close enough.

You've been kicked in the teeth. Here's someone that you've planned to spend the rest of your life with, and you find out that he's picked up again. Prepare for a flood of emotions, Carmen. Anger, sadness, and everything in between. You're about to embark on a ride that you didn't sign up for. The good news is we can help you weather that ride.

There are a lot of women on the board who have been in your shoes. Hopefully in the next day or so, you'll hear from them. Pay very, very close attention to what they share with you. It's really, really important that you keep an open mind, and it's doubly important you prepare for the worst. Opiates are no joke, and it is extremely difficult to kick them.

If there are any local Al Anon and/or Nar Anon meetings, I strongly encourage you to go and listen. You're not alone, even though it may feel that way. In-person support would be good for you right now.

Please keep us posted as to how you are. And again, Welcome to the Board from across the pond.

incitingsilence

Ahh heroin, a lovely bit of madness, this intertwining of heaven and hell.

Please understand that none of this is because of anything but something within him. Heroin from watching is never ever easy to let go of. Yes they can be years into life and go back out for no real reason and maybe for every reason in the world, they know better than to allow. Yes they know better.

Any proof will be in the actions he shows. Taking responsibility for his actions, stopping the excuse making, the blame on other people, places, things … He will really show you his intentions through his action and his willingness to do something, anything to help himself.

This is really on him, his fight.

The best advice I can give you is to seek out all the help you can find. I know his mom is supportive, but honestly I would tread real careful there.
We all enabled, all were (some still are) codie to varying degrees and while there isn’t any way to help him you most certainly can help yourself. Learn about codependency, about addiction, read here especially cynical one's blog which is filled with the best info around, find your needs and wants and your lines in the sand.

Stay out of any need to figure out his why’s because he needs to do that for his best chance. And surely you will have your own to worry about.

Also know that you don’t have to explain. So if you don’t want him there, then you don’t. And he is a big boy so he can figure out where to go, can't he? If you do, then you do. Only you can make that decision.

Boundaries are good as well, find some. They shouldn't be about controlling his actions or behaviors, or placed out of fear or to keep him safe … but about what keeps you safe, sane and able to live life the best you can.

Take good care of yourself, because you are worth your time.

allforcnm

Carmenlove,

The positives I see are that he wanted to stop, he took action to get out of an environment that he felt was bad for him, he has a plan in place; seeking a therapist/psychiatrist, and hes currently detoxing.

When he made the decision to relocate to detox did you discuss his not doing it at your shared holiday home?

I think you have to make decisions for yourself based on your own feelings, and personal needs. I would hope if he cant come home there would be some other local accommodation, or maybe he could go back to his mothers? I would try to discuss it with him...

There are really no rules for you.. except to take care of yourself, and figuring out what you need to maintain your health, sanity, and happiness. You don't want to enable addiction, but in my opinion its perfectly fine to actively support recovery efforts.. in whatever way works for your personally.

Im going to share a link.. it has a lot of info and is designed specifically for family... the tools in there have helped me on my journey: Home - The 20 Minute Guide

Will send up a prayer for both of you this evening.

djlook

CarmenLove

I know you're in an extremely difficult situation right now. It's going to get worse unless you get out completely right now. That's not advice. That's a principle of recovery that sometimes one has to apply literally by getting some physical distance so that you can get some emotional sobriety to make decisions based on what's the right thing for you to do, and sometimes in a crisis what we need to do is protect ourselves. I do understand the paralyzing fear. The alcoholic/addict will intimidate you and make you shrink and bow down to them while they're using.

The reason he doesn't like meetings is because he's not ready to quit drinking/doing drugs. AA has saved millions and millions of lives, but only when the alcoholic/addict is ready to surrender, admit they're powerless over drink/drug and also admit that their lilfe has become unmanageable. That's the first step for them. If he attended an AA meeting and told some of those sober oldtimers what he's telling you they would jump his whimpy little ARSE in no time flat, and he knows that, because he can't lie to another alcoholic/drug addict. They'll see right through him. They'll see him for who and what he really is.

The word powerless means devoid of resources. As long as the alcoholic/addict has the resources to provide them with shelter, food, drug money, they're not going to change anything, and those of us who have an untreated disease because of someone else's drinking and drug use don't know how to change either so we keep doing what we're doing and they keep doing what they're doing.

I strongly urge you to get in touch with an AlAnon group and immerse yourself in it and not try to think what he's thinking. I did that with a guy I was dating and became so sick that I could not even feed myself, did not take care of my personal hygiene, and I won't got into all the other things, but became catatonic. I got so sick that I could not make one decision on my own. This is not a disease to be taken lightly. It's a matter of life or death.

CarmenLove

sozo77 Thank you for your post.

The support and the reality check are really helpful.

hopeful4

Hello. You have gotten good input. I just want to wish you a warm welcome. Read, and read some more. The stickies on the top of the forum are very helpful. There are lots of others here who have been through this also, there is good support here.

I am very glad you are here.