peaceandgrace

I haven't posted here in two years. But, over the past two months I have needed to return because my boundaries have become blurred. Again.

To make a sad story brief, my 29 yo AS has slid further and further down the inevitable addict/mental health free fall slide. To date, he has lost contact with his 5 yr old daughter to his inability to hold a job or stay sober. My ex and I caved in April of this year and split the cost of a new little Honda Fit so he could get out of a miserable dump of a trailer park (which he willingly chose because the rent was cheap) and find work. The van he had been living in was broken down.

Part of the deal to continue paying on the car was to send copies of pay stubs. Since April I have seen two copies of checks. So, there went that boundary. I suspect he has been dealing drugs since how can someone live for six months without only working a few weeks? And, he's three months behind in his trailer rent.

The final straw, after he has been incommunicado for six weeks, was a notice on Saturday that his car was impounded. I found out through the trailer land lady that he hadn't been using the car for the past month but had been loaning it to neighbors who were caught shoplifting in his car. His father bailed out the car and hid it so he couldn't find it. Still no contact at all from him confessing the car was missing.

I am so codependent. I had another crash and burn and worry, missing two days of work trying to control the damage from states away.

His father got a letter to him stating that if he checked himself into rehab with a mental health eval, the door would be open to possibly getting the car back.

This is the furthest he has fallen. How much further do addicts go before they either cry for help. Or die? Or can they continue indefinitely like this. I really doubt he will seek any kind of treatment.

I am so confused, worried and just plain angry all at the same time.

qwer1234

peaceandgrace,

I don't have any answers. I'm just another Mom trying to make my way through this with an AS.

Understand your pain and agony....my son is son to be discharged from rehab....it's like waiting for the shoe to fall.

qwer

zoso77

P&G...I wish I had an answer for you. Where he has mental health issues in addition to his addiction issues, his outlook is not good. He's not capable of recognizing how just how critical his situation is. He may never be.

Are you attending any meetings like Al Anon or Nar Anon? I think you would benefit from having in person support.

There are a lot of mothers here who empathize with your situation. Seek them out, especially someone like Ann. You may not believe you can get through this, but you can.

God bless.

peaceandgrace

Thank you, zoso77. I went to AlAnon last night, and it was a refuge.

I've looked at the "what if he dies" scenario, and for him that may be the greatest peace. I don't think he has hope and I don't think he realizes how far away from reality he is.

I pray for all the parents out there who have addicted, broken and ill adult children. It's a national scourge.

But, I do know I will find peace.


With compassion,

PeaceandGrace

oceanlady1958

dear peace,
I am also a mom of a drug addicted son. there is also families anonomous which is another source for you to get the support you need. we never have peace with our addicted children, it steals our souls. some have no bottom, it is so difficult to wrap our heads around. I go from pity to resentment to anger depending on my strength for the day, and yes it is a struggle. stay in the moment and stay away from the what ifs because we have absolutely no control, we never did.

Txhelp

I am glad that you are here....it's amazing how we think we "got it" and our codependency kicks in. I think that I will always struggle with my codie ways. Glad, you made it to a support group!

I have always wondered about my kids bottoms. Fact is, there is no predicting a bottom. It's theirs. Not ours. I have been floored how low addicts go....especially those that have a support system WAITING to help when they are sober. Addiction-no rhyme and no reason.

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Peace, another Mom weighing in. All I know is my codependency will hit me over the head when I decide to "help". I am really working on this, but it is soooo difficult when we desperately want to see our children the way we loved them before addiction. My RAS is on his own (just a month out of rehab) and I still am trying to "control" his choices. He had to vacate his living arrangements due to a dispute with his roommate and is looking for another place to live. I WILL stick to the boundary that he cannot live at home but I am trying to "help" with looking at openings, sending links, etc. There are times when I am completely at peace (mostly when I don't know what is happening in my sons life). Others when I feel that despair, even though my son is clean today. Sending prayers and hugs to all us Mommas (and Pappa's).
TT

peaceandgrace

Thank all of you for the kind words of support. Parents of addicted children live in a twilight zone I think. I was blessed enough to take off three days for mental health this week (thank God for supportive principals and team members) to work through this latest trauma.

My AS did text his father on the phone that was (once again) delivered to him. AS has phone numbers that my sister programmed in for hot lines and crisis centers that offer hope and help in the Dallas-Fort Worth area. That gives me peace because now I think I really know it's in his hands "if" he is ready to seek help. I think his landlady must be a guardian angel because even though he is 3 months behind in rent, she knows he is too vulnerable to be thrown on the streets so she said she can't do it. Part of me said put him on the streets. The other part says leave it alone and let others do what they think is right.

It's so true, as many of you have mentioned, that what we may think of as a bottom is of no consequence to our addicted loved ones.

I spent the day listening to calm music, burning incense and candles, meditating, reading, and making some long overdue spiritual jewelry. Car dangles are my therapy. Go figure:-)

It's let go and let God time. Again.

With compassion, love and hugs to all of the parents out there who love our children more than they love themselves,

Peaceandgrace

irisgardens

Another mom here...with a heroin addicted daughter...and I am in the midst of letting go with love...after 5 years of continued trying and hitting bottom emotionally and feeling the consequences (she hasn't yet). It is a twilight zone...but SR here is very helpful and I am finally truly doing recovery for me...because it takes us down. I just started naranon and have done alanon too...and I need them...and working the program as if my life depends upon it...because it does.

Miserable56

Boy, twilight zone is right. It's so hard to let go with love in the midst of it all. And it's hard to NOT take it personally. Thanks for the reminder that I need to let go with love ...

coraltint

I'm sorry for your pain, I have a 14-yr old & he's starting to show the signs. You coming here for support and sharing your experience helps others whether you know it or not.

I'd like to echo what someone said above about FA. I went to one of their meetings accidentally when I was looking for support with my wife's pill addiction (she's in recovery now). Most of the families there are supporting each other with an addicted child. They were still welcoming to me even though I was there for a spouse. I was struck by the horrific stories they had, and the immense strength they shared with each other to get through things a day at a time. Really made an impression on me.

Take care of your self & keep posting here, please.

peaceandgrace

Coraltint, my AS was 14 when I flew to VA because I was alarmed at the Ds on his report card. He admitted then he was a marijuana addict. The pain was unreal. Please please know that drug addiction doesn't just magically go away. What I wish I had known then breaks my heart. The denials, the false hope, the pleas to get help.

Tonight AS's father texted me and said that AS said he'd go into a program. This is the first time he has ever said he needed help. I don't know if it's because he is facing eviction and is really at the end of the cattle trail, or he really wants help. His father was very clear in a letter he had delivered to him that neither of us will sacrifice our future or our health to continue bailing him out. The pattern before was always to pay rent, pay back rent, pay back child support, give $. Never outrageous amounts as AS has lived on the edge for years, but enough so that he never faced consequences.

Every day of my mental health week I have prayed for peace and letting go. I have no control over the outcome of this, and it's just heartbreaking.

I wish I could say this gets easier. It doesn't.

If I could give any advice it would be to admit powerlessness over this monster. I tried to control far too much, placing my expectations on him and manipulating events. We protected him from the consequences of actions far too often. I beat myself up for that, but it all came from a place of hope and love.

I can feel more peace now knowing that I have no more to give but prayers. And, maybe that is all I should have given to begin with.

With compassion,
Peaceandgrace

coraltint

so using son (not sure if he's AS yet...) & I are at odds about an application to be a summer camp counselor that he refuses to fill out. The warm fuzzy feeling he got from being offered the opportunity has worn off, I think due mainly to the influence of his new crowd of friends.

I've taken away his phone, the only leverage I feel I still have without getting physical with him, which is an impulse I've been able to avoid for a few yrs now. So he left this morning for his high school, 5 miles train ride away in a major city, and us with no means of contacting him or vice versa. My wife thinks I'm nuts & is very unhappy about this plan.

I'm not sure it's the right course of action....I just can't let him get away with, "Screw you dad, but still pay for my phone."

praying for guidance & patience & the ability to remember I love him unequivocally even if I don't like him so much right now.

hopeful4

I watched a Dr. Phil recently where the parents could not put the son out of the home. What he told them was to strip the room bare of everything they provide except a mattress and sheets. Do not provide one other single thing unless he EARNS it. Maybe this is something you want to think about.

Just a thought. So sorry you are going through all of this.

peaceandgrace

coraltint, you are not crazy for taking away your son's phone. I work with teens with no boundaries imposed on them. The end result is not pretty.

With compassion,
Peaceandgrace

djlook

I get so damn mad at this disease.

irisgardens

I did what hopeful4 describes with my 2nd addict (crystal meth)--it was a program put on by the county sheriff's department called how to parent your 'difficult' teenager...40 hours. The technique is called take everything away unless they earn it. Our daughter never stopped crossing boundaries...has a manipulative and very taker personality even without the drugs. Ultimately she left our house right before she turned 18 as we found a dirty pee test...and she also was charged in court by us as she didn't keep her agreement to stay clean...her denial was absolute and still seems to be 10 years later...she dubbed me the 'crazy one' which I came to understand is her way of not taking responsibility. I can't let it matter anymore and this last 6 months started setting boundaries as the one I'm talking about has her life going...and her own children and I simply told her it is her choice as to how she chooses to feel about me...but that I have always loved her and yet am unwilling to take the unkind and controlling language and things she puts on me (& she gossips and gossip spreads)--it has taken it's toll but the need to accept the no contact my 3rd daughter who is an active heroin addict set made it completely necessary for me to just stand in my program and let go...with love...but for my own survival... It was very painful and excruciating on both dad and me to do the kinds of things we did with the 2nd daughter above...but she is almost like a take no prisoners type of person...and so we did it. I believe that she is sober today from drugs...and I also believe she uses alcohol but I let it be her life...her path...she took too many resources and then did something that was very unkind and mean towards me...and it just made me realize that there are people in the world who are so involved with themselves that they will truly bring down those who do not fall into line with them and I have set the boundaries and she has recently told me 'she loves me' but...and I told her that I don't want to know any of the 'buts' because that is not love...and the journey continues...but I need to be able to walk.

I think that the 'take everything away method' for some personalities might be the only thing that works...and it was so hard. The daughter now basically didn't steal or stay when she left...she knew how we were going to react...so this is a very different journey...because regardless...even if she didn't steal from us...she is still living the lifestyle and not ready to accept help. So go figure...they're all different.

God bless us all.