The bad guy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 6
The bad guy
I feel alone, vilified, and hurt.
My older brother and I have never really clicked. He is incredibly intelligent, but lacks any social skills. Ever since I was little, I watched him over react to the smallest things, refuse to accept any responsibility for even the most obvious mistakes, and constantly choose to do things that only benefitted him. He could never handle any responsibility; he was always failing classes and relying on my parents to defend him against his "evil" teachers and expected my parents to do late homework and assignments that he needed last minute in order to pass classes. He was always being yelled and screamed at, and hardly ever showed much response to those incidents. Sometimes he ignored it, other times he would yell and scream back. He always did things that made no sense to me--he repeatedly chose to make things more difficult it seemed. I never felt close to him, as it was nearly impossible to create a relationship with him. The only time he would entertain you, is if he wanted something. Or, he would go on and on about something he found interesting. And like I said, he is extremely intelligent, so those talks could be fascinating.
My brother started smoking pot pretty enthusiastically when he was in high school. My parents fought with him. Made him take drugs tests a couple times. There were strange things that happened while he was in high school and college; he was always lying and it led to my parents requiring him to prove where is was all the time.
Eventually he had a psychotic breakdown (doctors confirmed it was drug induced psychosis) and landed in a mental hospital and then rehab. We found out that he was using other drugs besides pot, and lied about many things including his employment. Since then, it has been on and off with him. He comes home, does what my parents ask of him for a while, but ultimately does not follow through. He refuses to get a job, and eventually my parents get fed up and give him an ultimatum. That's when he relapses. He leaves, looses contact with us, and doesn't come back for quite some time. From what I can surmise from infrequent and strange posts on social media during these periods of disappearance is that he hangs with people who openly post about drug use online.
When he is gone, my parents and I are happy for the most part. We are all sad inside, but we never talk about it. It's beyond weird. But we get along, and our home is peaceful. However, ever since the first breakdown, my parents and I have butted heads. When he broke down, my parents did too. I became the adult. I had to direct them through the process of getting him medical help. I pushed them to go to counseling, which after many fights they tried once and quit. I read up on how to handle addicts and shared what I learned, but they thought I was over reacting, mean, and judgmental. When my brother threatened me physically, I was told to suck it up and move on because we love and forgive family members no matter what. When I suggested that providing him with every comfort he demanded in rehab was enabling, I was being mean. When I refused to live with him, they showed me the door. And not in a calm fashion. In a vicious, get-in-your-face screaming type of way.
I received counseling of course. I went through a program and got support because I couldn't find it at home. My counselor told me I was the mirror staring back at them. You know, the ugly truth they didn't want to acknowledge. We talked and talked about it, but when the people who raised you react and scream at you on a regular basis and tell you that you are wrong, it is hard to convince yourself otherwise.
The last time my brother left, he was supposedly getting into some heavy drugs. He disappeared one night after my parents told him he had to get a job, and we couldn't find him. We had to file a missing persons report because we worried he was dead. Days passed. A friend of his called and said he had seen my big brother, but he was attacked and jumped for his possessions, supposedly covered in blood with a black eye. Just after that, we learned he was okay and living with a friend and knew that we were looking for him. He didn't care to let us know. Then, when I saw him, he was in perfect condition. No black eye, no bruises, just missing all of his possessions, sold for drugs presumably. When I told my parents that I had done research and that we should not let him come home and that it would only make his rehabilitation less likely, I was verbally attacked and told that the idea of not providing a roof, food, and resources to drug addicts was "conservative propaganda." My mother told me she could save her son if he were home.
That was the last time in a year that we spoke of my older brother until last weekend.
I live at home, as I try to pay off my crippling student loan debt and save a little money. I did what my parents wanted; I went to school, got a job, stayed away from drugs, and helped with everything I possibly could at home. I do fun things with my parents and treat them to everything I can possibly afford. In turn, they let me stay at home and as I try to build a future for myself. But all of that is threatened when my brother comes back into our lives.
A year. A whole year of unknowns. We have no idea where he went, other than drug related posts that occasionally were posted to instagram and twitter. He spoke to my parents a few times, but it was never much. And then, last weekend, he calls in desperation saying he wants to get clean and needs a place to live.
My parents informed me they were going to meet with him and see what was going on. I already knew this meant he was going to live at home. When I came home the next day from work, my dad opened the door and excitedly told me my brother was home. My brother, who scares me, came up to me and told me, "Yeah! Guess what? I live here now." I ran to my room.
No one told me he was living there. No one even sent me a text to warn me he was home. There was no family meeting where we might try to get some answers from my long lost brother as to where he was or what he was doing. My dad let my brother tell me he was living there, rather than asking to have a private moment with me to explain things.
I have to say, I am consumed with anger. I am not a nice person anymore when it comes to the issue of my brother. For a while it will be fine with him at home. But then the screaming will start, and he will leave dramatically and destroy us again. My mom says I am foolish for thinking that way. At this point, I told her not speak to me while he is home. And let me tell you--I said it in very vulgar terms. They think I am crazy. They think I am a b****. I feel threatened, destroyed, and scared.
I am sorry for the long post. I just wanted to get input and see what you guys thought.
My older brother and I have never really clicked. He is incredibly intelligent, but lacks any social skills. Ever since I was little, I watched him over react to the smallest things, refuse to accept any responsibility for even the most obvious mistakes, and constantly choose to do things that only benefitted him. He could never handle any responsibility; he was always failing classes and relying on my parents to defend him against his "evil" teachers and expected my parents to do late homework and assignments that he needed last minute in order to pass classes. He was always being yelled and screamed at, and hardly ever showed much response to those incidents. Sometimes he ignored it, other times he would yell and scream back. He always did things that made no sense to me--he repeatedly chose to make things more difficult it seemed. I never felt close to him, as it was nearly impossible to create a relationship with him. The only time he would entertain you, is if he wanted something. Or, he would go on and on about something he found interesting. And like I said, he is extremely intelligent, so those talks could be fascinating.
My brother started smoking pot pretty enthusiastically when he was in high school. My parents fought with him. Made him take drugs tests a couple times. There were strange things that happened while he was in high school and college; he was always lying and it led to my parents requiring him to prove where is was all the time.
Eventually he had a psychotic breakdown (doctors confirmed it was drug induced psychosis) and landed in a mental hospital and then rehab. We found out that he was using other drugs besides pot, and lied about many things including his employment. Since then, it has been on and off with him. He comes home, does what my parents ask of him for a while, but ultimately does not follow through. He refuses to get a job, and eventually my parents get fed up and give him an ultimatum. That's when he relapses. He leaves, looses contact with us, and doesn't come back for quite some time. From what I can surmise from infrequent and strange posts on social media during these periods of disappearance is that he hangs with people who openly post about drug use online.
When he is gone, my parents and I are happy for the most part. We are all sad inside, but we never talk about it. It's beyond weird. But we get along, and our home is peaceful. However, ever since the first breakdown, my parents and I have butted heads. When he broke down, my parents did too. I became the adult. I had to direct them through the process of getting him medical help. I pushed them to go to counseling, which after many fights they tried once and quit. I read up on how to handle addicts and shared what I learned, but they thought I was over reacting, mean, and judgmental. When my brother threatened me physically, I was told to suck it up and move on because we love and forgive family members no matter what. When I suggested that providing him with every comfort he demanded in rehab was enabling, I was being mean. When I refused to live with him, they showed me the door. And not in a calm fashion. In a vicious, get-in-your-face screaming type of way.
I received counseling of course. I went through a program and got support because I couldn't find it at home. My counselor told me I was the mirror staring back at them. You know, the ugly truth they didn't want to acknowledge. We talked and talked about it, but when the people who raised you react and scream at you on a regular basis and tell you that you are wrong, it is hard to convince yourself otherwise.
The last time my brother left, he was supposedly getting into some heavy drugs. He disappeared one night after my parents told him he had to get a job, and we couldn't find him. We had to file a missing persons report because we worried he was dead. Days passed. A friend of his called and said he had seen my big brother, but he was attacked and jumped for his possessions, supposedly covered in blood with a black eye. Just after that, we learned he was okay and living with a friend and knew that we were looking for him. He didn't care to let us know. Then, when I saw him, he was in perfect condition. No black eye, no bruises, just missing all of his possessions, sold for drugs presumably. When I told my parents that I had done research and that we should not let him come home and that it would only make his rehabilitation less likely, I was verbally attacked and told that the idea of not providing a roof, food, and resources to drug addicts was "conservative propaganda." My mother told me she could save her son if he were home.
That was the last time in a year that we spoke of my older brother until last weekend.
I live at home, as I try to pay off my crippling student loan debt and save a little money. I did what my parents wanted; I went to school, got a job, stayed away from drugs, and helped with everything I possibly could at home. I do fun things with my parents and treat them to everything I can possibly afford. In turn, they let me stay at home and as I try to build a future for myself. But all of that is threatened when my brother comes back into our lives.
A year. A whole year of unknowns. We have no idea where he went, other than drug related posts that occasionally were posted to instagram and twitter. He spoke to my parents a few times, but it was never much. And then, last weekend, he calls in desperation saying he wants to get clean and needs a place to live.
My parents informed me they were going to meet with him and see what was going on. I already knew this meant he was going to live at home. When I came home the next day from work, my dad opened the door and excitedly told me my brother was home. My brother, who scares me, came up to me and told me, "Yeah! Guess what? I live here now." I ran to my room.
No one told me he was living there. No one even sent me a text to warn me he was home. There was no family meeting where we might try to get some answers from my long lost brother as to where he was or what he was doing. My dad let my brother tell me he was living there, rather than asking to have a private moment with me to explain things.
I have to say, I am consumed with anger. I am not a nice person anymore when it comes to the issue of my brother. For a while it will be fine with him at home. But then the screaming will start, and he will leave dramatically and destroy us again. My mom says I am foolish for thinking that way. At this point, I told her not speak to me while he is home. And let me tell you--I said it in very vulgar terms. They think I am crazy. They think I am a b****. I feel threatened, destroyed, and scared.
I am sorry for the long post. I just wanted to get input and see what you guys thought.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: East Coast
Posts: 83
Nar-Anon is for any family members. It may help you find ways to disengage even if your parents want to stay engaged. Otherwise, sharing an apartment sounds like a good option to get drama free.
qwer
qwer
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 6
I am trying to find an option. Most of my friends left town for school. I am just so angry that I will have to struggle financially when I have done nothing wrong.
And every day they try to tell or show me how "sensitive" I am. They think I am crazy. And I start to feel like I am wrong.
And every day they try to tell or show me how "sensitive" I am. They think I am crazy. And I start to feel like I am wrong.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I am so so very very sorry for the pain and dysfunction and neglect and anger that you are faced with.
It, from my experience, can be very hard to be the person in the screwed up family situation who gets tasked with being "the adult" for the adults, and then gets blamed and harassed for taking on that role.
You don't have to do this, you know. You can decide who is healthy in your life and who is toxic. And you can take definitive action to protect yourself. And beyond that, to find a healthy, productive, fulfilling life with good people around you who honor, cherish, and value you.
This does not necessarily, for some of us, mean our family of origin. And that is okay. It is not disloyal or mean or anything bad at all for you to choose what makes YOU happy.
Maybe you could refinance your student loans so that the payments are not so onerous. Talk to you college and different lenders about that. I think there are some new programs out there right now to do this.
Maybe you can get back to your counselor, or touch bases again with the therapy program that was helpful. It is terribly scary to have to live with a man who frightens you, and you don't need that. You can call a domestic violence hotline, and even though there may not have been any violence, you are entitled to their counsel and perhaps their services.
Take care of yourself, first, and come here as often as you want. We'll all be here for you, just as people were here for us when we first found SoberRecovery.
Big hugs,
ShootingStar1
It, from my experience, can be very hard to be the person in the screwed up family situation who gets tasked with being "the adult" for the adults, and then gets blamed and harassed for taking on that role.
You don't have to do this, you know. You can decide who is healthy in your life and who is toxic. And you can take definitive action to protect yourself. And beyond that, to find a healthy, productive, fulfilling life with good people around you who honor, cherish, and value you.
This does not necessarily, for some of us, mean our family of origin. And that is okay. It is not disloyal or mean or anything bad at all for you to choose what makes YOU happy.
Maybe you could refinance your student loans so that the payments are not so onerous. Talk to you college and different lenders about that. I think there are some new programs out there right now to do this.
Maybe you can get back to your counselor, or touch bases again with the therapy program that was helpful. It is terribly scary to have to live with a man who frightens you, and you don't need that. You can call a domestic violence hotline, and even though there may not have been any violence, you are entitled to their counsel and perhaps their services.
Take care of yourself, first, and come here as often as you want. We'll all be here for you, just as people were here for us when we first found SoberRecovery.
Big hugs,
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I want to add something: you are NOT the name you have chosen. The Ugly Truth is what happened, and what you see. You are lovely, worthy, and deserving of people who can value you.
Is there a name you'd rather have, that speaks to the future you want for yourself? You see, that is the way out of this situation: to take care of yourself for a better future.
ShootingStar1
Is there a name you'd rather have, that speaks to the future you want for yourself? You see, that is the way out of this situation: to take care of yourself for a better future.
ShootingStar1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 6
Thank you ShootingStar. I cannot tell you how much your reply means to me. You words have brought me some comfort that I desperately need before I go home and face the madness again.
I agree with everyone. I need to get out. It is going to be hard to make that leap. It's something I don't want to face.
Last time, my counselor suggested that I give it a week or two to see if he even stays. She told me with every incident like this, the next one is more likely. She said he might even stay for shorter periods of time. I will call her.
And I will look into refinancing options. Thank you.
I agree with everyone. I need to get out. It is going to be hard to make that leap. It's something I don't want to face.
Last time, my counselor suggested that I give it a week or two to see if he even stays. She told me with every incident like this, the next one is more likely. She said he might even stay for shorter periods of time. I will call her.
And I will look into refinancing options. Thank you.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Hey...
Welcome to the Board.
I must admit reading your original post left me a bit winded, not to mention shocked at the very end. But given all I know about addiction and how people deal with it (or don't deal with it), I guess I'm not surprised, either.
At the risk of sounding obvious, you're AB is bad f**kin' news and has been from Day One. Unfortunately, your parents have set this fact aside and have let him back in the house. Stuff like that happens all the time. Parents sometimes have a difficult time setting boundaries with their children for whatever reasons. Those reasons typically center on or around denial.
With that said, you shouldn't have to pay the price for your parents' poor judgment. I would get the hell out of there. You already know how things will evolve at the house. When your AB blows up (and he will blow up), you want to be as far outside that blast radius as you can. Let your parents deal with the mess that they themselves allowed to occur on their watch.
BTW...I cannot refer to you by the moniker you have chosen for yourself here. The truth about your AB and your parents may be ugly. But you most certainly ain't.
Get out of there as soon as possible and learn to live your life without your AB's shadow.
Welcome to the Board.
I must admit reading your original post left me a bit winded, not to mention shocked at the very end. But given all I know about addiction and how people deal with it (or don't deal with it), I guess I'm not surprised, either.
At the risk of sounding obvious, you're AB is bad f**kin' news and has been from Day One. Unfortunately, your parents have set this fact aside and have let him back in the house. Stuff like that happens all the time. Parents sometimes have a difficult time setting boundaries with their children for whatever reasons. Those reasons typically center on or around denial.
With that said, you shouldn't have to pay the price for your parents' poor judgment. I would get the hell out of there. You already know how things will evolve at the house. When your AB blows up (and he will blow up), you want to be as far outside that blast radius as you can. Let your parents deal with the mess that they themselves allowed to occur on their watch.
BTW...I cannot refer to you by the moniker you have chosen for yourself here. The truth about your AB and your parents may be ugly. But you most certainly ain't.
Get out of there as soon as possible and learn to live your life without your AB's shadow.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Hello, TheUglyTruth
And all of your feelings of being destroyed, feeling scared, and feeling threatened are valid. My brother turned into a monster when he did drugs and drank. My mother treated him like a little king. He'd go to jail for 2 years, get out, go live with her, repeat the cycle, and she'd be giddy when he showed up no matter what kind of shape he was in. I would be talking to her when he wasn't around and it was like she was in outer space until the subject of my brother came up. She would light up like a Christmas tree.
Alcoholism/drug addiction is a family disease and it will destroy everyone in its path if it's not treated.
I urge you to find an AlAnon meeting and get some help for yourself. When I thought I was having a total breakdown this last year because of my son I knew I couldn't do it alone anymore. I have found people just like me in the rooms of AlAnon who have sons, like I do, parents, brothers, sisters, friends, coworkers, and I have allowed them to help me.
You're going through a lot. I understand. This is a wonderful site you have found, sincerly caring people who are willing to share their experience, strenth, and hope. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
And all of your feelings of being destroyed, feeling scared, and feeling threatened are valid. My brother turned into a monster when he did drugs and drank. My mother treated him like a little king. He'd go to jail for 2 years, get out, go live with her, repeat the cycle, and she'd be giddy when he showed up no matter what kind of shape he was in. I would be talking to her when he wasn't around and it was like she was in outer space until the subject of my brother came up. She would light up like a Christmas tree.
Alcoholism/drug addiction is a family disease and it will destroy everyone in its path if it's not treated.
I urge you to find an AlAnon meeting and get some help for yourself. When I thought I was having a total breakdown this last year because of my son I knew I couldn't do it alone anymore. I have found people just like me in the rooms of AlAnon who have sons, like I do, parents, brothers, sisters, friends, coworkers, and I have allowed them to help me.
You're going through a lot. I understand. This is a wonderful site you have found, sincerly caring people who are willing to share their experience, strenth, and hope. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: mountain states, Montana and Wyoming
Posts: 246
Hello,
Just my opinion follows: Don't let this guy run you out of your home, you are doing everything right, follow your path. It will be difficult but spend a lot of time in your room if you have to.
Been though this with a sister, a little different story, but know the pain it caused when you do the right thing, and your parents still seem to not see it.
Keep the path you are on. Make sure all your valuables are locked up somewhere, buy a safe at Costco if you need to, but don't let him take what you have. Stay the course and be somebody!!!
Just my opinion follows: Don't let this guy run you out of your home, you are doing everything right, follow your path. It will be difficult but spend a lot of time in your room if you have to.
Been though this with a sister, a little different story, but know the pain it caused when you do the right thing, and your parents still seem to not see it.
Keep the path you are on. Make sure all your valuables are locked up somewhere, buy a safe at Costco if you need to, but don't let him take what you have. Stay the course and be somebody!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Peace is priceless. You parents are no different than the addict. In fact they are addicted to your brother. They don't want help. At this point, it's none of your business. Find your peace and move on with a healthier life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 6
Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate it. For now, I am trying to ride things out. Maybe he won't last long. I hide in my room and stay out of everyone's way. I work the late afternoon shift and I don't get off till late, so I avoid a lot of contact with everyone that way.
My birthday is tomorrow and I am considering just taking myself to dinner, or maybe inviting some friends. I don't even feel like asking my parents to come. Every year that my birthday hits and my brother is around, they try to make me invite him to come and celebrate, even though they know how I feel. I always tell them no, and that if there was one thing I wanted on my birthday, it would be to get a break from him. They have proceeded to tell me things like, "He loves you. He feels terrible for everything he has done." Or "I can't believe you. He only wants to be a part of the family." They always make me feel very guilty.
So this year maybe I will just cut them out of the equation too.
My birthday is tomorrow and I am considering just taking myself to dinner, or maybe inviting some friends. I don't even feel like asking my parents to come. Every year that my birthday hits and my brother is around, they try to make me invite him to come and celebrate, even though they know how I feel. I always tell them no, and that if there was one thing I wanted on my birthday, it would be to get a break from him. They have proceeded to tell me things like, "He loves you. He feels terrible for everything he has done." Or "I can't believe you. He only wants to be a part of the family." They always make me feel very guilty.
So this year maybe I will just cut them out of the equation too.
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