uncaged

I know I'll get through this since I've been here before, dealing with a breakup and the sadness that someone you love is killing themselves that is, but nighttime is the hardest for sure. My BF of 5 plus years is an oxycodone addict (and any other opiate) and they have taken over his mind, body, soul. The last months have been positive, happy, and then once again it begins. I see the distance in him, the pinpoint pupils, the hyper or hostile attitude, odd behavior, and then sleeping alot. Then once again I am nothing and I start telling him I can tell he has used and he denies denies denies. I took a different road then usual home the other day and happened to see him walking higher than a kite (he looks more like he is on a stimulant when he does oxys)when he said he was at his moms. He couldn't be happier to literally walk around high doing completely nothing or hanging at peoples houses to get high while I sit and deal with the reality of life..bills, school, and work. The only reason I let him back into our home was with his new charges he was making courtdates regularly and volunteered to take drugcourt (heavy monitoring, UAs, and treatment or he would do jailtime) instead of awaiting trial. He has also been calling treatment rescources trying to figure out how to get on the opiate blocker IM shot vivitrol. I know he wants to be clean but the cravings are still too much. I thought this was a step in the right direction. I have been living on pins and needles, asleep with one eye open, watching my possessions ect.. its a horrible way to live.. with zero trust for someone. He has stole from me and broke my heart so much in the past. I had a feeling there was going to be a relapse this week.
In the past 2 years he has totaled 2 vehicles (one was my car he took without permission and I was financially liable for the accident)and crashed another which is locked in the garage and keys are hidden, he was found unconscious overdosed on morphine on a sidewalk by a citizen and was ambulanced and admitted to the hospital 2 months ago, been found asleep behind the wheel and wokeup in a crisis mental health center, wokeup at other odd places like an alleyway and had a "spiderbite" which turned into an infectious boil on his arm (Dr. at the ER told me it wasn't from injecting drugs) been to detox 3times, and two inpatient treatments. I could go on and on. Clearly he is not safe to drive and I work hard at making sure he has no access to the vehicles, so pathetic. He gets a ride from me to court appoint ect.., or scrapes up bus money.There was one missing key to the truck lingering around somewhere that was making me suspicious. I know him all too well. I came home yesterday at an unexpected time and found the truck gone. I was livid. So, here I get stuck playing his sick games. I hid my car so he wouldn't think I was home and just as I expected he came home and parked the truck in the garage 10 minutes before my usual expected time to be home. I talked to the elderly man next door and found out he had the elderly man let him "borrow" money and had him drive him to the dope house the day before while he ran in real quick. Is this for real? Yes it is. Needless to say things got violent and loud when he got home on my end not his. I kicked him out as I was now putting myself at risk of going to jail if he stayed any longer. I felt out of control as he has cost me a lot of money from previous accidents and impound charges and I was so pissed off that he basically stole the truck and snuck it but the police will not consider it stolen as I have tried to report in the past. UUUUGGHH!! DRAMA!! He left and was probably happy to say F it and go get high. Now more games as he is calling me from blocked numbers saying nothing but "i love you" or "I'm okay" and hangingup. So here is where I'm at... I'm in a two year lease and I want to pack but it would be more financial loss. I feel as long as I'm sitting in "our" house with his belongings here he feels I will be predictable, reliable, responsible me here like a sitting duck for him to know where I'm at while he lives his secret life. Also, his belongings.. what do I do to let him know its serious ,if I pack them what do I do with them? I was thinking of making a deadline of a date he can arrange to pick them up by. And...he is on conditions to be out of jail, the court will be calling me next week to do there regular check to confirm if he is still living at my address. I want him to start the drug court/treatment next week not just go to jail with no help. I want to know if the courts are aware of his opiate addiction or is he lying on the assessments and down playing it as his previous arrest for DUI they think was alcohol only. I'm not sure if they know the real extent of his addiction. Should I care? I no I shouldn't but I don't want to be making funeral arrangements either. We went to his step dads funeral last year when he overdosed on heroin and I don't want it to be him next. Just thinking outloud. Rambling. Sorry if this is so random and out of order and doesn't makes sense.

chicory

Uncaged, it sounds like you have been miserable. I know you care about him, but until he cares enough to want to live, you are going down with the ship, as long as you accept this in your life.
You say you know he wants to be clean. What has he done to make you think that? is he just trying to stay out of jail?

I am sorry you are going through this. I think you are normal to care, but you need to care about yourself, also.

You know the answers, I think. you cannot work your life around fixing it for him.

If you want his things out, pack them up and put them in the garage. It sounds like all your love and understanding has not made much difference to him. Perhaps you taking a firm stand for your own happiness will get his attention. but do it for you. He's gonna do what he wants, obviously. You deserve peace.

Ann

Uncaged, I lived this same kind of drama with my son and in the end it drove me crazy while my son continued his life of addiction unscathed by the damage he left in his trail...with me, with his girlfriends...with all who enabled him thinking they were helping or that he would die without them.

You really have two choices. You can live in the pain of this drama and all that his addiction brings each day, and worry about what might happen tomorrow, trying to out wit him and failing because they are far craftier than we ever dreamed of being, until it makes you sick physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally (if you are like me you are already half way there). This pain lasts or gets worse with time, as long as active addiction is running your life while you live in hope that "this time it will be different" or "he WILL change and never use again". Some do, many don't, we don't get to choose which applies to our loved one.

OR

You can live in the pain of letting go, of removing yourself from his life, his pleadings with words that mean nothing, detach and heal and find your balance so you can move forward with your life, taking the lessons with you so you are a little wiser as you proceed. This pain lessons with time and eventually heals and becomes a past that you are able to put behind you.

You can't control him, no matter how you try, no matter how many times he tells you that he cannot do it without you (thus indicating he is unwilling to take personal responsibility for his addiction or recovery).

But you can control your own choices, and in the end, only you can decide what is best for you, not him but you. We will walk with you no matter which you choose.

Hugs

djlook

Hello, Uncaged

My 37-year-old son is an opiate addict. This last go around, a month or so ago, I got my hopes up once again because he said he has been clean for eight months. Once again, my husband and I gave him money and a motel room for a month so he could get on his feet. He had managed to get a really good job here in the state we live in. It only lasted about three weeks. I have to accept the fact that he is unemployable. His disease has progressed to the point that he can no longer work. He has twin boy and girl 8-year-old children and they live in a home that is deplorable. I know if my son that I once knew was in his right mind he wouldn't let his children live that way, but all he lives for is to get high. He lives to get high and gets high to live.

Maybe he is off opiates that the doctors, hospitals, friends, family, and street people are giving or selling to him, but he's found something, and I don't know what, over the counter that evidently is costing a lot of money that gets him high.

So everything that I have feared for him has come to pass. He's homeless, sleeping in his car. I just found this out last night. No one will let him live with them, including us.

We have the means, financially, and otherwise to take care of him, but, thank God I've gotten to the place where I know I have to protect myself from him and his untreated disease. I am standing by helplessly and watching his disease destroy him. Giving him more money and a place to stay is not his problem. He always thinks money is his problem.

He went through a two year drug court program after getting caught for doctor shopping. That was six years ago. As I was taking him to jail I asked him was he guilty of what he was being charged with and he said no, and, of course, all of that is documented in black and white.

He went to a detox and rehab place after that for five days, he's checked himself into a mental health institution in hopes of obtaining opiates, he's been in the hospital multiple times for tests and surgeries. He burns himself with some chemical and goes to the emergency rooms for opiates. He had to attend 3-4 meetings a week while in drug court, and did, but he would not attend an aftercare program. He will not accept help from anyone. He'll take everyone's money but is not ready to give it up.

I don't know what it's going to take for him to accept help. He might not get there.

I do attend AlAnon and I pray for him and for us.

I will share with you that as my mother was dying in the hospital and I had been with her for a couple of days alone, in my desperation, I prayed and asked God what was I supposed to do next. This lady appeared, seemingly, out of nowhere. I was so desperate to talk with anyone in the wee hours of the morning I asked would she talk to me. We sat down and I shared with her that I had just given the doctors and nurses permission to put my mother on comfort measures only, knowing what that meant. She listened and then said, "When you've done all you can do, just stand."

I'm relying on that today. I've done all I can do. I'm trusting in my prayers. That's all I have left, and I believe I'm just where I need to be, knowing that my prayers are being heard.

I will pray for you and your loved one.

MLH2282

Wow! Half way through your post I had to double check to make sure I didn't write it. My EXABF totaled two of my cars as well. At this point, I have been without a car for longer than I can remember. I know all too well the chaotic nature of your life. It's ridiculous, because I gave him everything, and then some, but I finally realized that it would never be enough.

Your life does not have to be so chaotic. TRUST ME. Peace and happiness, though a distant memory, are still possible, but you have to decide what you want. After enduring the same relationship cycle with my EXABF for several years, I finally realized that if I let him, he would keep repeating the same destructive cycle FOREVER. It isn't easy, and I'm not completely sure I'm totally free from getting sucked back in, but it's completely your choice.

I'm here if you ever need to talk!

Txhelp

So sorry...I hear your desperation and that is not a way to live.

You didn't cause this. You can't control this. You cant cure this. Please get help for your self.

DJLOOL "She listened and then said, "When you've done all you can do, just stand." I loved this! One day, in desperate pray to God, I was asking for "help. Tell me what to do and I will do it. God whispered in my ear "Be still." I knew exactly what he meant.