hummingbird358

My son will be 20 on Friday. He smokes weed daily and I feel especially on the weekends it is more than just once or twice. I am worried sick for him. He was a heavy drinker for over a year and was doing weed on and off. Now he has given up the heavy drinking but has turned to weed. He is excelling in college so it is not affecting that but part of me feels like he is trying to "show" that his problem is not there because of how well he does in college, if that makes sense?? He smokes it in his bedroom and the constant smell of cigar, etc if just horrible. He SUFFERS from anxiety and depression and is currently seeing his family doctor and is taking lexapro. I would love to tell him that if he gave up weed maybe that would resolve it self as well. However, he has had anxiety issues for awhile and I don't think he was smoking weed when it started. He is very passionate about weed and feels there is nothing wrong with it because God put it here. His goal after graduating from college is to move to Colorado and work for the weed plant and then open his own. Tonight when he came home from school I said to him "I don't know how your girlfriend can even go into your room with how bad that smells. That can't be good for you to constantly breathe that in. Are you always High?" He replied "don't even start." This worry has over taken my life. My marriage is almost done because my husband feels we just have to let him be. Let him fail. My son and him don't even speak and he is okay with that. I went to a counselor and was told not to blame my husband because it is not his fault. Well, maybe if he was actually a father to our son part of this would not be happening. Maybe if he got off is his lazyboy and took him driving way back when when his son asked him! Sorry, I have a lot of ill feelings. NO matter what I tried to tell my husband about getting involved with our son, he just sat on his chair.
SO my question to all of you is, how do you get your child to realize they have a problem? How do you get them to realize they are hurting themselves?? How do I move on? I went to al anon a few years ago but I just didn't get anything out of it. My son is so intelligent but yet so dumb. Why can't he see this is controlling him and hurting him?

njw1968

My son is 18. I feel your pain. My ex and him were never very close He now is addicted to opiates and loves pot. That would be his dream also to have his own weed plant. I've been learning from this site and Nar anon meetings that WE can't get them to realize a single thing. It has to be them. Such a horrible thing to feel as a parent. Especially a mom. I have a 16 year old daughter that is doing the right things in life and I have realized that by telling him to leave is helping her. We can't live like this anymore. I pray every day that God will protect him and lead him down a better path. Message me anytime. (Hugs)

seek

You basically have different values. I know how hard that is.

I don't think you have to allow drug use in your house!

Jaeger

Hummingbird,

I also have a son close to your son's age that is addicted to pot. It is a daily struggle. I also have an alcoholic husband so I bounce back and forth between forums. It is the hardest thing in the world to set boundaries with your children. It feels like the most unnatural thing in the world. My son is not in school and went without a job for over a year. When he moved in with a friend, who is also addicted, I did not fight it. It is hard to see him do without but it is all I can do. My hope is that he will get tired of that lifestyle and want better. I don't think there is anything you or your husband can do to change his behavior. It is his choice. I have to remind myself daily that he is an adult and he is capable. I also think my son is "self-medicating" but he refuses any help. I have read here daily for over a year and have also attended Al-Anon meetings and it has helped me tremendously. You are not alone.

Jaeger

GardenMama

I am sorry for your troubles. I am the mother of a recovering heroin addict (21) and I have witnessed terrible things as a result of my girl's addiction. You don't have to live with an active addict, regardless of what he calls himself. BUT: You do have control over him using in your house, if you so choose. It sounds stressful and stinky.

Consider going to NarAnon (or AlAnon) meetings again. Our group suggests six meetings before you decide to not return. And try some different ones. Some have more parents, some more spouses, etc. You really need some good face-to-face support, and therapists can't offer what a group of NarAnon folks can, no matter how good they are with other aspects of one's life. (And I do see a therapist regularly, so I am not disparaging the profession when I say that.)

Take care of yourself. Set some boundaries, even if they are small to start with.

zoso77

Your husband is right. If your son wants to smoke, fine.

That being said, your house, your rules, and I think it's appropriate to set boundaries. And if your son doesn't respect them, show him the door.

Jaeger

Hummingbird, I hope I do not offend you with this but please listen to GardenMama and others. In the beginning it was easy to think that my son was not as bad some of some of the other addicts...how bad can pot be? It is not the drug of choice that is the problem, it is the behavior and mindset. I have witnessed things I never thought my child would ever be capable of. I made excuses for too long and probably still do to some extent but my eyes are opening. Each story I read from addicts mothers, I can relate to.

hopeful4

Honestly, if he is so big into it that he wants to move to Colorado, you are not going to change his mind. The best think you can do for yourself is to not allow it in your home, and not be around him when he has or is smoking. Lay some boundaries, AND KEEP THEM. That part of it is within your control.

Good luck, I feel for you!