how to trust again..
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
maybe....you don't. when people burn us, screw us over, or otherwise fail miserably at BEING trustworthy, then maybe they do not GET the chance to do that again?
when people show you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.
when people show you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
well......gosh let's see....when i started drinking again ('94??), during my last marriage, i kept it a "secret" for a long time (not really sure it was that much of a SECRET, but you know, try not to be OBVIOUS). so then i finally told me now ex-husband. but i didn't stop. oh hell, i didn't even TRY to stop i just didn't want to keep lying and covering my tracks. so in that case, i never tried to re-earn trust, and ultimately i told him i was leaving and gave him the house and virtually everything inside, except what could be packed in a couple pick up truck loads. i left HIM in better shape than i found him to be honest.
with the crack, both hank and i were using together. so there wasn't any broken bond of trust there. nobody was getting away with anything. i WAS starting to get in trouble at work, for sure....lots of absences or sudden departures. got called on the carpet by the boss - my first ex, my daughter's dad, had recently died of cancer so i rather shamefully pulled the grieving/helping my daughter settle the estate card (she was attending college in LA at the time).
so i did have to demonstrate that i did CARE about my job and begin to demonstrate better attendance and performance. it really helped when i quit doing dope! amazing how that works!
hank was slower getting on board with quitting, so i clamped down pretty hard on finances and shenanigans and if anything, i had to watch HIS actions over time to see if he was gonna "get with the program" or keep on using. i sure as heck wasn't gonna keep funding that nor did i want to live like that anymore. but i did have SOME time to wait and watch. he could DO whatever the hell he wanted, i'd just make my own life choices and they would NOT include active addiction, ever.
he never broke my trust, never lied, never went slinking off to go get high. oh a couple times he did show his @ss, but he sure wasn't hiding it! he never made excuses OR promises - to his credit, his words and actions were always very consistent. he never made any declarations, didn't shout from the rooftops That's It, I Quit!" - he just........quit. had enough. ha, who'd have ever thought a crack addict could say they'd had enough.
with the crack, both hank and i were using together. so there wasn't any broken bond of trust there. nobody was getting away with anything. i WAS starting to get in trouble at work, for sure....lots of absences or sudden departures. got called on the carpet by the boss - my first ex, my daughter's dad, had recently died of cancer so i rather shamefully pulled the grieving/helping my daughter settle the estate card (she was attending college in LA at the time).
so i did have to demonstrate that i did CARE about my job and begin to demonstrate better attendance and performance. it really helped when i quit doing dope! amazing how that works!
hank was slower getting on board with quitting, so i clamped down pretty hard on finances and shenanigans and if anything, i had to watch HIS actions over time to see if he was gonna "get with the program" or keep on using. i sure as heck wasn't gonna keep funding that nor did i want to live like that anymore. but i did have SOME time to wait and watch. he could DO whatever the hell he wanted, i'd just make my own life choices and they would NOT include active addiction, ever.
he never broke my trust, never lied, never went slinking off to go get high. oh a couple times he did show his @ss, but he sure wasn't hiding it! he never made excuses OR promises - to his credit, his words and actions were always very consistent. he never made any declarations, didn't shout from the rooftops That's It, I Quit!" - he just........quit. had enough. ha, who'd have ever thought a crack addict could say they'd had enough.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I would find it very difficult to trust an addict or alcoholic who didn't have a good long amount of consecutive sober time under their belt. Like a year or two. Why are you putting so much pressure on yourself after he's only been clean a week?
Is either of you working a program- NA, Naranon, Celebrate Recovery, something like that? Or just the at-home detox and then hoping it all works itself out?
Is either of you working a program- NA, Naranon, Celebrate Recovery, something like that? Or just the at-home detox and then hoping it all works itself out?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: AZ
Posts: 309
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
well......gosh let's see....when i started drinking again ('94??), during my last marriage, i kept it a "secret" for a long time (not really sure it was that much of a SECRET, but you know, try not to be OBVIOUS). so then i finally told me now ex-husband. but i didn't stop. oh hell, i didn't even TRY to stop i just didn't want to keep lying and covering my tracks. so in that case, i never tried to re-earn trust, and ultimately i told him i was leaving and gave him the house and virtually everything inside, except what could be packed in a couple pick up truck loads. i left HIM in better shape than i found him to be honest.
with the crack, both hank and i were using together. so there wasn't any broken bond of trust there. nobody was getting away with anything. i WAS starting to get in trouble at work, for sure....lots of absences or sudden departures. got called on the carpet by the boss - my first ex, my daughter's dad, had recently died of cancer so i rather shamefully pulled the grieving/helping my daughter settle the estate card (she was attending college in LA at the time).
so i did have to demonstrate that i did CARE about my job and begin to demonstrate better attendance and performance. it really helped when i quit doing dope! amazing how that works!
hank was slower getting on board with quitting, so i clamped down pretty hard on finances and shenanigans and if anything, i had to watch HIS actions over time to see if he was gonna "get with the program" or keep on using. i sure as heck wasn't gonna keep funding that nor did i want to live like that anymore. but i did have SOME time to wait and watch. he could DO whatever the hell he wanted, i'd just make my own life choices and they would NOT include active addiction, ever.
he never broke my trust, never lied, never went slinking off to go get high. oh a couple times he did show his @ss, but he sure wasn't hiding it! he never made excuses OR promises - to his credit, his words and actions were always very consistent. he never made any declarations, didn't shout from the rooftops That's It, I Quit!" - he just........quit. had enough. ha, who'd have ever thought a crack addict could say they'd had enough.
with the crack, both hank and i were using together. so there wasn't any broken bond of trust there. nobody was getting away with anything. i WAS starting to get in trouble at work, for sure....lots of absences or sudden departures. got called on the carpet by the boss - my first ex, my daughter's dad, had recently died of cancer so i rather shamefully pulled the grieving/helping my daughter settle the estate card (she was attending college in LA at the time).
so i did have to demonstrate that i did CARE about my job and begin to demonstrate better attendance and performance. it really helped when i quit doing dope! amazing how that works!
hank was slower getting on board with quitting, so i clamped down pretty hard on finances and shenanigans and if anything, i had to watch HIS actions over time to see if he was gonna "get with the program" or keep on using. i sure as heck wasn't gonna keep funding that nor did i want to live like that anymore. but i did have SOME time to wait and watch. he could DO whatever the hell he wanted, i'd just make my own life choices and they would NOT include active addiction, ever.
he never broke my trust, never lied, never went slinking off to go get high. oh a couple times he did show his @ss, but he sure wasn't hiding it! he never made excuses OR promises - to his credit, his words and actions were always very consistent. he never made any declarations, didn't shout from the rooftops That's It, I Quit!" - he just........quit. had enough. ha, who'd have ever thought a crack addict could say they'd had enough.
Anyway, I appreciate the insight from you. It means a lot to have you here helping and providing hope and inspiration for a better life.
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Trust is earned or rebuilt when someone (addict or not) demonstrates continuous trustworthy actions over an extended period of time. When first meeting someone I trust them to a certain level until they prove otherwise. If they break the trust I have in them, it would depend on the severity of their betrayal or unacceptable behavior on whether they would even get a second chance or how long it would be before I trusted them again...if ever, or to what degree. And, again...addiction or the use of drugs/alcohol would have nothing to do with my decision.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by XxWhiteDovexX
I don 't know how to let it go...I know I don't have to forget all the bad from the past but how do I set it aside and trust him again.....
I do think we have to rebuild trust slowly... when you put up a wall its brick by brick.. when you take one down - its the same thing.
My husband and I did it.. so I know it can be done but you have to work together, communicate well, and also look over chunks of time not minute by minute. I also don't think we can judge levels of trust or recovery based on what the other person is doing.. in terms of they must do this program, or have this attitude.. the majority of people recover from addictions on their own, as they mature, when they feel consequences and look for a better way.
Anvil its really nice to hear you say.. not all addicts lie, are unreliable, sneak, and are actually generally good people. my husband has always been a good man.. addiction caused him to do some undesirable things, he had serious symptoms.. but after he stopped using the same great guy came back.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
These are great replies from seasoned SR folks, WhiteDove, so I hope you take their words to heart. If I could hit the "thanks" button several times on each one, I would!
Trust is about actions, and it is also about YOU and your relationship to the person you want to trust. I highly recommend going to NarAnon meetings (or AlAnon) weekly or more often while you are in a kind of suffering frame of mind. Working on my recovery (as a parent of an addict, not as an addict) has allowed me to grow in ways that transformed "wondering about ever trusting her again" to learning to really trust MYSELF in my relations with her, my RAD.
You might want to shift your focus to yourself--as in, do I trust myself to make good decisions with my beloved addict in the house using, in recovery, for a lifetime commitment, etc.? That shifts the focus and also gives you a little distance to observe his actions and not just his words.
And it is going to take time, and you are at the very first baby steps right now...
Work on your side of the street, protect yourself from harm, and don't worry about trust, because, as some of us are fond of saying, "More will be revealed."
Trust is about actions, and it is also about YOU and your relationship to the person you want to trust. I highly recommend going to NarAnon meetings (or AlAnon) weekly or more often while you are in a kind of suffering frame of mind. Working on my recovery (as a parent of an addict, not as an addict) has allowed me to grow in ways that transformed "wondering about ever trusting her again" to learning to really trust MYSELF in my relations with her, my RAD.
You might want to shift your focus to yourself--as in, do I trust myself to make good decisions with my beloved addict in the house using, in recovery, for a lifetime commitment, etc.? That shifts the focus and also gives you a little distance to observe his actions and not just his words.
And it is going to take time, and you are at the very first baby steps right now...
Work on your side of the street, protect yourself from harm, and don't worry about trust, because, as some of us are fond of saying, "More will be revealed."
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by XxWhiteDovexX
I don 't know how to let it go...I know I don't have to forget all the bad from the past but how do I set it aside and trust him again.....
And I don't say this to be flippant. I'm just saying that there is nothing wrong with not trusting someone if they have betrayed you time and time again.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
I read your other posts, and you don't really say why you don't trust him.
Is it because he tells you he's going to stop using and then he doesn't? Well, he's an addict. That's what this disease is all about. Maybe he'll stop, maybe he won't. Is he willing to do rehab? Do you have access to therapy? Do you have it in you to go through this repeatedly if he doesn't choose to get help?
My partner had no interest in stopping. Eventually I realized that the relationship wasn't what I wanted and wasn't going to change, and I moved on. I'm glad I did because he ended up being convicted of felony possession and will be jail for quite some time.
You don't say if there's other stuff going on that's causing you not to trust your partner, like theft, infidelity or abuse. But if there is, that brings up other questions: like, do you really want that in your life?
Is it because he tells you he's going to stop using and then he doesn't? Well, he's an addict. That's what this disease is all about. Maybe he'll stop, maybe he won't. Is he willing to do rehab? Do you have access to therapy? Do you have it in you to go through this repeatedly if he doesn't choose to get help?
My partner had no interest in stopping. Eventually I realized that the relationship wasn't what I wanted and wasn't going to change, and I moved on. I'm glad I did because he ended up being convicted of felony possession and will be jail for quite some time.
You don't say if there's other stuff going on that's causing you not to trust your partner, like theft, infidelity or abuse. But if there is, that brings up other questions: like, do you really want that in your life?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: AZ
Posts: 309
Originally Posted by allforcnm
I think you start small Whitedove... I had to rebuild trust with my husband after his addiction because a lot of things happened to break the trust we had spent years building... To be honest I don't think a lot of people can do it. And it doesn't necessarily fall on the person with the addiction, it falls on us to forgive, to balance our own emotions, to let someone back in when we feel its safe again.
I do think we have to rebuild trust slowly... when you put up a wall its brick by brick.. when you take one down - its the same thing.
My husband and I did it.. so I know it can be done but you have to work together, communicate well, and also look over chunks of time not minute by minute. I also don't think we can judge levels of trust or recovery based on what the other person is doing.. in terms of they must do this program, or have this attitude.. the majority of people recover from addictions on their own, as they mature, when they feel consequences and look for a better way.
Anvil its really nice to hear you say.. not all addicts lie, are unreliable, sneak, and are actually generally good people. my husband has always been a good man.. addiction caused him to do some undesirable things, he had serious symptoms.. but after he stopped using the same great guy came back.
I do think we have to rebuild trust slowly... when you put up a wall its brick by brick.. when you take one down - its the same thing.
My husband and I did it.. so I know it can be done but you have to work together, communicate well, and also look over chunks of time not minute by minute. I also don't think we can judge levels of trust or recovery based on what the other person is doing.. in terms of they must do this program, or have this attitude.. the majority of people recover from addictions on their own, as they mature, when they feel consequences and look for a better way.
Anvil its really nice to hear you say.. not all addicts lie, are unreliable, sneak, and are actually generally good people. my husband has always been a good man.. addiction caused him to do some undesirable things, he had serious symptoms.. but after he stopped using the same great guy came back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Central---Pa
Posts: 27
Theres been a multitude of things....theft, lying, sneaking out of the house, infidelity...and we can talk about it and be on the same page and then he does it again the next day...
The pressure to trust is on because he just wants gets so upset when I don't...
Thank you for all your advice I do appreciate it
The pressure to trust is on because he just wants gets so upset when I don't...
Thank you for all your advice I do appreciate it
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Wait a minute -- "theft, lying, sneaking out of the house, infidelity..." and HE gets upset because you don't trust him?
You don't trust him because he lies to you, he steals from you, and he cheats on you. In my book, those are all good reasons not to trust somebody. From what you describe, he sounds like a sociopath.
You don't say whether he's in any sort of recovery program. Is he still using? Does he have any interest in stopping? If not, I wouldn't trust the guy as far as I could throw him.
You don't trust him because he lies to you, he steals from you, and he cheats on you. In my book, those are all good reasons not to trust somebody. From what you describe, he sounds like a sociopath.
You don't say whether he's in any sort of recovery program. Is he still using? Does he have any interest in stopping? If not, I wouldn't trust the guy as far as I could throw him.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by XxWhiteDovexX
Theres been a multitude of things....theft, lying, sneaking out of the house, infidelity...and we can talk about it and be on the same page and then he does it again the next day...
The pressure to trust is on because he just wants gets so upset when I don't...
Thank you for all your advice I do appreciate it
The pressure to trust is on because he just wants gets so upset when I don't...
Thank you for all your advice I do appreciate it
Follow your own moral compass to make the best decisions for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
so again i say:
maybe....you don't. when people burn us, screw us over, or otherwise fail miserably at BEING trustworthy, then maybe they do not GET the chance to do that again?
when people show you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.
lying could be a dealbreaker.
cheating DEFINITELY a dealbreaker.
sneaking out of the house - what is he, 15?
stealing...punishable by law.
what do you get for GIVING him yet another chance....considering just how well he does with his last 8 chances?????
maybe....you don't. when people burn us, screw us over, or otherwise fail miserably at BEING trustworthy, then maybe they do not GET the chance to do that again?
when people show you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.
lying could be a dealbreaker.
cheating DEFINITELY a dealbreaker.
sneaking out of the house - what is he, 15?
stealing...punishable by law.
what do you get for GIVING him yet another chance....considering just how well he does with his last 8 chances?????
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Naples FL
Posts: 61
whitedove~take it slow one day at a time~in order to move forward I had to let go of the past and forgive him easier said then done I know~I got a very good counselor that has helped me tremendously work on myself and recognize what I am doing wrong~Yes what I am doing wrong~I keep in mind this is a disease~I try to let go of my anger still a work in progress and my own guilt~The counselor tells me all it takes is one person to change in the family and other members will see this and begin to respond sometimes with resistance but it does happen. Hmmm to I trust him though? Actually I don't focus on him, but learning to trust myself~
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
