bellanoviella

Hey everyone - it's been a while since I posted, but things are going pretty well.. I'm managing full time work & school and I'm moving next week, so I still didn't get that vacation I so desperately needed, but all in all, I'm doing alright.

I'm back to focusing on me and it feels great.. My ex is also doing really well and I'm so happy for that. All I ever wanted was for him to be whole once more.

I guess you could say we're friends (from a distance), and I'm okay with that, he's doing so well so far in his recovery and I'm doing even better getting back to making myself my primary concern. I wished I hadn't held on for so long, and left sooner, because it's been the best decision I could have ever made. Sticking with your loved one who's in active addiction, just waiting for him/her to "snap out of it" is one of the most exhausting and draining things you can do.. We can't save them, but they can damn sure destroy us in the process (regardless of whether they mean to or not.)

For those of you who are currently in the grasps of your loved ones addiction, let me tell you.. It sucks. A lot. I know exactly how you feel. I stuck around for about 5 months, just waiting for him to get better and he didn't.. it just got worse and worse, I had an unexpected miscarriage, and pretty much fell into a serious depression. I 100% lost sight of who I WAS.. all because I was fighting to save him. I read stories on SR, and got advice from everyone here saying I should leave him before it gets worse, etc.. But I stayed, and I stayed. Because I loved him. After a while, I learned love isn't always enough..

But eventually, I wised up. Once you start to let go, and get back to focusing on what really matters - YOU! - then it will slowly but surely start getting better.. I can't stress this enough: I am so much happier now!, and you can be too..

As a natural caregiver and Psychology major, this quote always stuck out to me, I finally realized that I can't save every body. We can still love them in our own way, we just don't have to let it bring us down too.. This is their fight, not ours.

"to reach the broken people
you too, have to be broken.
And that, is all I have ever
wanted- to reach people,
people who no one has yet reached.

So I will say this:
give me your suffering
and I swear it will be carried,
even if that means the death
of sorrow inside you
and the birth of sorrow
inside me."

Stay well everyone. And just hang on, it gets better if you allow it to.

biminiblue

I have to say that is a very depressing quote.


Good for you that you are doing so well for yourself, though.

hopeful4

Glad to hear you are doing well!!

faith260

Thanks for sharing!

suncatcher

Wonderful post Bella! Glad you are doing well and your ex too. You seem to have a healthy perspective! I feel I'm finally there too. Love my ex from a distance but staying focused on my recovery. Today I am bored, it's pouring down rain here and my cable TV is out. I could run over and see the xabf but instead I have the radio on, hanging out here on SR and contemplating cleaning out some closets!

bellanoviella

I personally love naps on a rainy day ;-)

dandylion

bellavoveilla....It is good to hear that you are thriving. Your intimate knowledge of this subject will be invaluable to you, clinically!!
You are already inspiring others, here on SR with your personal experience!

Recently, there have been quite a few newcomers who are in lots of pain but do not regard separation an option...no matter what. They become enormously angry if it is even mentioned. Most leave the forum in their anger.
My question to you..if you don't mind....Were you angry at the other posters in the early days? If so, how did you process that? And, how would answer someone who took that stance?
dandylion

Ann

The quote got me down too, but I am very glad you are moving forward with your life and happy.

Hugs

bellanoviella

I know. I agree the quote is sad.. but I think we can all relate in one way or another, or we would have never held on for so long. We wanted to reach our addicts, or I did anyway. One of my biggest issues in the beginning was coming to realize that I could not change him, he was unreachable by me.

bellanoviella

First of all, thank you.. I hope I am inspiring others!

And honestly, yeah, I was angry at other posters when I first joined SR and started telling my story. It was mostly because I was so adamant that MY story would be different.. That MY boyfriend would recover and my hard work would have paid off.. I was holding on to too much hope. I personally know plenty of addicts that have had a long recovery (15, 20, 25+ years), so I was set on thinking my boyfriend would recover just like them. I was determined.. Looking back, I know it was because, deep down, I knew what they were saying was likely to become true (comparing all of the other stories here), and I didn't want to admit that. I didn't want that to be my reality. I wanted to help him so badly, I really thought I could.

I was also very fragile at this time. I was so wrapped up in so many emotions from my relationship that every piece of information given to me, constructive or blunt, hit me full force. I got so defensive. I don't think I ever threatened to leave the site, but I remember purposefully not "thanking" those comments, and I would thank others haha. "I thought this site was for support?! Not this!!" but it was really just the honest truth, and the truth hurts sometimes.

dandylion

Dear bella....thank you very much for responding to my questions in such an honest and forthright manner.
I sometimes have difficulty responding to newbies who are so adamant in a way that might help them without turning them off completely. I guess that is just the nature of the situation. The price of playing poker.......LOL!
Your response confirms a lot for me, though.

dandylion