Cannot take much more
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear SR,
Thank you, I feel that someone cares about me and my feelings.
These emotions are so raw right now, I feel so alone...but I know you are there
to talk to me and to care and love me. It just hurts so bad right now.
It feels like something or someone has died...it's so still and quiet.
I have an appt with my Pastor this morning to talk spiritually about a marriage that
has broken...I hope I can focus and listen and not crumble and cry.
I thought I had cried myself a river when my recovering daughters fell to their knees
to addiction...but this, this really opened the tears and heartache once again.
I AM NOT ALONE I AM NOT ALONE IAM NOT ALONE
Yes, Vale, I will keep saying that.
TF
Thank you, I feel that someone cares about me and my feelings.
These emotions are so raw right now, I feel so alone...but I know you are there
to talk to me and to care and love me. It just hurts so bad right now.
It feels like something or someone has died...it's so still and quiet.
I have an appt with my Pastor this morning to talk spiritually about a marriage that
has broken...I hope I can focus and listen and not crumble and cry.
I thought I had cried myself a river when my recovering daughters fell to their knees
to addiction...but this, this really opened the tears and heartache once again.
I AM NOT ALONE I AM NOT ALONE IAM NOT ALONE
Yes, Vale, I will keep saying that.
TF
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Remember this: you don't have to "hold it all together" right now. If you can't cry in front of a confidant like a pastor, then where can you?? I think crying is good for us. We know it releases stress hormones, so who here couldn't use less of that toxin?! I hope you had a good talk and a good cry. Much love your way, TF.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Twofish.....Isn't it awesome to have a place
like SR, and extra, positive place, to come
to each day to share your struggles at and
with caring, concerned, folks like us?
Many of us have been in a situation similar
if not close to the same as you are going thru.
Many of us, use the tools in recovery to guide
us with each step we take as we move forward
to a healthy, happy place in our lives.
Knowing that none of us are alone or ever
have to go thru trying times by ourselves.
I truly believe that something positive will
transpire on the other side of what your
going thru right now.
Working thru without
numbing our pain with drugs, alcohol, narcotics
will make us healthier, stronger, happier folks
for yrs. to come.
Know that we, SR, is here for you sending
our cares, love, concern, positive vibes ur
way along with many helpful suggestions
to guide you in making good decisions in
ur life, your family, your recovery. Never
hesitate to reach out for help, ask for what
you need and never feel less than for doing
so.
im just one of many SR members who cares
about your well being.
like SR, and extra, positive place, to come
to each day to share your struggles at and
with caring, concerned, folks like us?
Many of us have been in a situation similar
if not close to the same as you are going thru.
Many of us, use the tools in recovery to guide
us with each step we take as we move forward
to a healthy, happy place in our lives.
Knowing that none of us are alone or ever
have to go thru trying times by ourselves.
I truly believe that something positive will
transpire on the other side of what your
going thru right now.
Working thru withoutnumbing our pain with drugs, alcohol, narcotics
will make us healthier, stronger, happier folks
for yrs. to come.
Know that we, SR, is here for you sending
our cares, love, concern, positive vibes ur
way along with many helpful suggestions
to guide you in making good decisions in
ur life, your family, your recovery. Never
hesitate to reach out for help, ask for what
you need and never feel less than for doing
so.
im just one of many SR members who cares
about your well being.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
I am at a loss for words really. Texting the end of a 30 year marriage? Wow, no words for how rotten that is.
I know of a good forum for relationships which has a lot of great people with great advice mostly on divorce. I don't go there now but did a long time ago. I once tried to put the link on this board on a post and my post didn't go through. Maybe there is some rule about posting links to other forums? Not sure. PM me if you are interested. Here is good too but that board is also. Between the two of them you will get a lot of support.
I'm so sad for you.
Kari
I know of a good forum for relationships which has a lot of great people with great advice mostly on divorce. I don't go there now but did a long time ago. I once tried to put the link on this board on a post and my post didn't go through. Maybe there is some rule about posting links to other forums? Not sure. PM me if you are interested. Here is good too but that board is also. Between the two of them you will get a lot of support.
I'm so sad for you.
Kari
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh TF, I am so sorry. I know you had alluded to their being problems, I am just so sorry this has happened.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We are with you, God is with you.
I know your head is reeling, I know you feel like your life is spinning. Breathe. God will guide you through this.
Proverbs 3:6
"In everything you do, put God first, and he will direct you and crown your efforts with success." Let the Lord guide you TF. Let yourself open up to your pastor. Let yourself grieve this as grief does have a beginning and an ending.
Many hugs coming your way. Please PM anytime you need a friend. We love you TF.
XXX
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We are with you, God is with you.
I know your head is reeling, I know you feel like your life is spinning. Breathe. God will guide you through this.
Proverbs 3:6
"In everything you do, put God first, and he will direct you and crown your efforts with success." Let the Lord guide you TF. Let yourself open up to your pastor. Let yourself grieve this as grief does have a beginning and an ending.
Many hugs coming your way. Please PM anytime you need a friend. We love you TF.
XXX
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
TwoFish;
you put this front and center to protect yourself...
Make a list of what you require, health insurance, support, college tuitions for your middle daughter and youngest son, HEALTH INSURANCE for all of you since you are unemployed, mortgage payments, monthly expenses, cars, insurance, day to day necessities. Whatever he has provided in the marriage.
Get an attorney and have the papers served to THEM, not you. the only thing you have to do is "text" him the address. If he wants out so bad, let him pay through his wallet.
money can't buy love, but it is much easier to endure a painful divorce if you don't have to scrape by and lose YOUR assets. That's right, 30 years of marriage entitles YOU to a lot.
Like 50% of his retirement or 401K. I'm not sure of the laws in your state, but you MUST get some legal counsel ASAP.
you can hurt and cry, but go on auto-pilot to cope with these necesseties like a woman on a mission. knock him down a bit, you will feel better. that SOB thinks he can run you over with his surprise text? show him that you have a backbone, show him what DRAMA really is when he has to pay for it.
you put this front and center to protect yourself...
Make a list of what you require, health insurance, support, college tuitions for your middle daughter and youngest son, HEALTH INSURANCE for all of you since you are unemployed, mortgage payments, monthly expenses, cars, insurance, day to day necessities. Whatever he has provided in the marriage.
Get an attorney and have the papers served to THEM, not you. the only thing you have to do is "text" him the address. If he wants out so bad, let him pay through his wallet.
money can't buy love, but it is much easier to endure a painful divorce if you don't have to scrape by and lose YOUR assets. That's right, 30 years of marriage entitles YOU to a lot.
Like 50% of his retirement or 401K. I'm not sure of the laws in your state, but you MUST get some legal counsel ASAP.
you can hurt and cry, but go on auto-pilot to cope with these necesseties like a woman on a mission. knock him down a bit, you will feel better. that SOB thinks he can run you over with his surprise text? show him that you have a backbone, show him what DRAMA really is when he has to pay for it.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
TF,
I am so sorry to hear this. I know it hurts and I hope that you can feel at peace soon.
Sweetie, I know this is probably not what you wan to hear right now, but when you are ready I hope you will consider:
You are NOT alone, you are free.
You are free to be the person, to live the life and to experience the happiness you deserve.
I am so sorry to hear this. I know it hurts and I hope that you can feel at peace soon.
Sweetie, I know this is probably not what you wan to hear right now, but when you are ready I hope you will consider:
You are NOT alone, you are free.
You are free to be the person, to live the life and to experience the happiness you deserve.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Fandy is right. Most crucial functions and actions in a critical event are a
function of TIME. I have had some unique opportunities to observe humans
under life threatening stress and I will tell you one thing....for all the talk of
courage, the REAL discriminator between those who rise to it and those who
go fetal is RESILIENCY. The ability to get done what needs doing---WHEN it
needs doing.
I won't say it as nice as Fandy. Go for the jugular. Get mad. You are due
a great deal and society will back that up with writs, orders, garnishments,
and outright confiscation. And oh, yeah.....it's not voluntary------unless he can
out-gun the law, the SWAT team, and the National Guard.
With all due respect, I just don't believe that a man who would sandbag his
wife of 30 years (via text) .....is up to it.
This is the West. We don't allow half of our population to be treated like
garbage.
function of TIME. I have had some unique opportunities to observe humans
under life threatening stress and I will tell you one thing....for all the talk of
courage, the REAL discriminator between those who rise to it and those who
go fetal is RESILIENCY. The ability to get done what needs doing---WHEN it
needs doing.
I won't say it as nice as Fandy. Go for the jugular. Get mad. You are due
a great deal and society will back that up with writs, orders, garnishments,
and outright confiscation. And oh, yeah.....it's not voluntary------unless he can
out-gun the law, the SWAT team, and the National Guard.
With all due respect, I just don't believe that a man who would sandbag his
wife of 30 years (via text) .....is up to it.
This is the West. We don't allow half of our population to be treated like
garbage.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
Hugs to you in this time. I am so sorry for the blow, for the shock, and for the turbulence in your marriage. I PRAY you find peace and that, no matter what happens, even if you don't understand why this is happening, grace falls upon you and you resurface with more joy than you ever have known. Love to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
BTW, Twofish......good work on saying "I am not alone" 896 times.
However, I would have expected 1006 times by now....GET ON IT!!!!!!!!
(Vale can be one mean SOB of a drill instructor when he needs to be!)
However, I would have expected 1006 times by now....GET ON IT!!!!!!!!
(Vale can be one mean SOB of a drill instructor when he needs to be!)
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I have had some unique opportunities to observe humans
under life threatening stress and I will tell you one thing....for all the talk of
courage, the REAL discriminator between those who rise to it and those who
go fetal is RESILIENCY. The ability to get done what needs doing---WHEN it
needs doing.
under life threatening stress and I will tell you one thing....for all the talk of
courage, the REAL discriminator between those who rise to it and those who
go fetal is RESILIENCY. The ability to get done what needs doing---WHEN it
needs doing.
Speaking from experience, there was a situation I had to deal with in the wake of me and my AXGF breaking up that could have adversely impacted my career. A situation I never should have been put in.
But I was. And although I knew in the short term it was going to suck, I took it head on. I faced the fire. And I got through it in one piece.
When you tell your wife of 30 years you want a divorce via text message, it reveals a lot about his character. Or lack of character.
Twofish...I know this hurts like hell. But in a way, you've learned something very, very important about your husband. So, do what you need to do legally, and fight your best fight.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I was trying to be politically correct.....
my X-husband paid dearly for dragging his feet and hiding $$. he had to pay for our one child until she was EMANCIPATED, not 18...(she's in Grad School), he paid ALL of my legal fees and his. We split the house and I moved into a better neighborhood.
this was a while back, my daughter is now 33 and the first mr. Fandy died at age 54 of alcohol-related cardiac issues (and stupidity). he left a huge mess and tangles to clean up.
2Fish he has been stringing along and now he wants out fast for a reason. he lives in another state....I smell a rat.
my X-husband paid dearly for dragging his feet and hiding $$. he had to pay for our one child until she was EMANCIPATED, not 18...(she's in Grad School), he paid ALL of my legal fees and his. We split the house and I moved into a better neighborhood.
this was a while back, my daughter is now 33 and the first mr. Fandy died at age 54 of alcohol-related cardiac issues (and stupidity). he left a huge mess and tangles to clean up.
2Fish he has been stringing along and now he wants out fast for a reason. he lives in another state....I smell a rat.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
TF, this is all great advice that I can also wholeheartedly "second" from personal experience. I hope you will get a lawyer quickly. It is really a good idea to do some research online and ask around. Some are very, very good in these situations. Remember, we are here for you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Friends of SR,
Ok I'm back from meeting with my Pastor. We talked a long time and he told me that God allows me an "out" from a marriage in that one partner is spiritually dead. I can't carry the weight much longer for his lack of believing.
So now, I'm on my two feet and going to run to an attorney in the morning.
I've been hoping against hope, it's over and it's time for me to fight for what's mine. And for my future.
I took your advice Fandy and Vale...its over and I have to get over it. I think, no I know what I have to do. He's not gonna be happy, but too bad, he has made me suffer physically, emotionally and spiritually for too many years. No more Mrs Nice Woman, on your knees pickhead. My game, my rules.
Ya it hurts really bad, and I am preparing for more pain and more games from him.
How could I have been so stupid? All these years? At the least, what kind of example of a father was he showing our son? He has screwed around with the wrong woman for too long.
He has been texting all kinds of deals to me...said he would split his 401k...said there was $200,000 in there, Hummm, there was three times that amount in there a month ago?
Jerking me around. That stops today.
I feel his pain, well baby feel this...right in your wallet.
I'm not a cruel woman, I drag my feet and give people a million chances and believe they can walk on water...can't do that anymore darling...I grew a backbone and I grew some balls that he doesn't have. (Sorry mods for Illegal words, but I'm mad).
I'm off to my support group meeting, the one he says that "they are brain washing you".
Sorry, but you were Wrong. Thank you SR, the support was uplifting.
Will return soon,
TF
Ok I'm back from meeting with my Pastor. We talked a long time and he told me that God allows me an "out" from a marriage in that one partner is spiritually dead. I can't carry the weight much longer for his lack of believing.
So now, I'm on my two feet and going to run to an attorney in the morning.
I've been hoping against hope, it's over and it's time for me to fight for what's mine. And for my future.
I took your advice Fandy and Vale...its over and I have to get over it. I think, no I know what I have to do. He's not gonna be happy, but too bad, he has made me suffer physically, emotionally and spiritually for too many years. No more Mrs Nice Woman, on your knees pickhead. My game, my rules.
Ya it hurts really bad, and I am preparing for more pain and more games from him.
How could I have been so stupid? All these years? At the least, what kind of example of a father was he showing our son? He has screwed around with the wrong woman for too long.
He has been texting all kinds of deals to me...said he would split his 401k...said there was $200,000 in there, Hummm, there was three times that amount in there a month ago?
Jerking me around. That stops today.
I feel his pain, well baby feel this...right in your wallet.
I'm not a cruel woman, I drag my feet and give people a million chances and believe they can walk on water...can't do that anymore darling...I grew a backbone and I grew some balls that he doesn't have. (Sorry mods for Illegal words, but I'm mad).
I'm off to my support group meeting, the one he says that "they are brain washing you".
Sorry, but you were Wrong. Thank you SR, the support was uplifting.
Will return soon,
TF
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
How could I have been so stupid?
Weather your pain. Some days, it will be awful. Reach out here, reach out to your friends. Don't isolate from people who care about you.
Make sure that you're doing things to take care of yourself, both physically and emotionally. Exercise. Drink plenty of water. Try to stay away from alcohol.
This is going to be a long, long road. Be prepared for anything.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 198
So sorry, Twofish. You have already been through so much. Glad that you reached out yo your pastor and that you are seeing an attorney. Take care of yourself. Praying that you will find peace and serenity, and sending you cyber hugs.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I smell a rat....(perhaps a female rat egging him on)? No fool like an old foolish man.
I don't say this to upset you twofish, but he has been living out of state and content with the status quo for a while..SUDDENLY he needs to serve you papers (and tell you by text)? He has something dirty to hide.
and I really hope that I am wrong.
I don't say this to upset you twofish, but he has been living out of state and content with the status quo for a while..SUDDENLY he needs to serve you papers (and tell you by text)? He has something dirty to hide.
and I really hope that I am wrong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear SR,
My support group was great. I did share what happened to me a mere 24 hrs ago. I told the group, I held my head up, and with my sore sad eyes let it out. Quickly and with little emotion, the room gasped, people hurried to say they were sorry and I told them...I'm getting by with a little help of a few hundred friends!! My SR friends. I didn't want to dwell on it and asked that we comfort the newcomers, the parents crying at the end of the table. They were/are so lost and want to fix their son...well you know the rest.
Now, as for me, I want to humbly say thank you for the love and support I have received. I'm blown away! SR is fantastic at support. And you know, I'm well aware that this might be a honeymoon effect, my feeling better I mean. I know I face this new life as being on my own. This will be hard on me cause I don't know how to be independent...I fear the unknown and I fear failure.
Once I find an attorney tomorrow, one who will see what happened to me, once I take the steps to start this divorce, I promise, I fully plan on finishing it. IT IS WHAT IT IS.
And for those who smell a rat...yes I smell it too. And I'm not going backwards, not with this positive support, I AM NOT ALONE, I might be lonely, but I AM NOT ALONE, right Vale?
I will try to sleep tonight, if sleep won't come, I will rest. Got a big day Wednesday.
Fondly and I appreciate and value SR,
TF
My support group was great. I did share what happened to me a mere 24 hrs ago. I told the group, I held my head up, and with my sore sad eyes let it out. Quickly and with little emotion, the room gasped, people hurried to say they were sorry and I told them...I'm getting by with a little help of a few hundred friends!! My SR friends. I didn't want to dwell on it and asked that we comfort the newcomers, the parents crying at the end of the table. They were/are so lost and want to fix their son...well you know the rest.
Now, as for me, I want to humbly say thank you for the love and support I have received. I'm blown away! SR is fantastic at support. And you know, I'm well aware that this might be a honeymoon effect, my feeling better I mean. I know I face this new life as being on my own. This will be hard on me cause I don't know how to be independent...I fear the unknown and I fear failure.
Once I find an attorney tomorrow, one who will see what happened to me, once I take the steps to start this divorce, I promise, I fully plan on finishing it. IT IS WHAT IT IS.
And for those who smell a rat...yes I smell it too. And I'm not going backwards, not with this positive support, I AM NOT ALONE, I might be lonely, but I AM NOT ALONE, right Vale?
I will try to sleep tonight, if sleep won't come, I will rest. Got a big day Wednesday.
Fondly and I appreciate and value SR,
TF
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