Sarina24

I have never posted to this sight before but have been reading here for years. My x fiancé and I had been together almost 7 years total, most of which have been spent in and out of rehab. He is not a constant user, more like stay clean for 5-6 months, just long enough for everyone to let their guard down some and BAM, another relapse. Then will spend 2-3 weeks running and using and then get back into "recovery" for about 6 months, and the cycle repeats itself all over. His DOC is Crack.

We have one son together who is 3, and I have 4 other children who really love him. When clean he is a great father and partner, but this last relapse really did a number on me and I made him leave. Something snapped in me and I know I just can't do this any more. My sisters have been helping me with childcare so I can still work and I am just barely making it financially, but still I am making it! It has been 5 weeks now.

Anyway, after I told him to leave he decided to go to yet another rehab, this time inpatient. He was there for 30 days and just got out Monday. I made it clear he was not coming back here so he found a recovery house to move to. He left Monday and was suppose to go and pay his rent for the week and move in. Well after the rehab dropped him off, he took his last $100 and went and got high.

Now he resurfaces today with the same sob story and tells me he can't stop, he needs me to help him and I'm the only one that can help him and then has the nerve to say and I quote, "Please don't let me die out here". I got so angry I told him how dare he try to manipulate me like that and I hung up and turned my phone off for the rest of the night. I am just so angry he would say that to me. My oldest son's father died when he was 2 (not drug related) and he knows that fear has kept me trying to protect him for years. And now he wants to come home so I can manage his life again....nooooo thank you.

Sorry this is so long, guess I'm just venting among people I know understand. I'm just so angry/upset that he would try to manipulate me with what he knows was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. Thanks for listening and thanks to everyone who takes the time to post on here. This board has been a life saver for me on many dark days and nights.

heartcore

You are making wonderful changes in your life. You are holding your boundaries. You are speaking your truth. You are protecting your children.

Wow! What a fantastic job you are doing! Way to surf your challenges!!

Keep on keepin' on, brave strong sister! Your sky is wide open & full of sunlight!

LoveMeNow

Welcome to SR Sarina but as always - I am sorry for what brings you here.

Although I did not have your experience of losing a loved one, my STBXH used the "don't let me die out there" line many times. From everything I have read, it's not an uncommon tactic.

I am glad you saw the manipulation in it. Sadly, it has kept many of stuck.

Stay strong, your kids need one sane and stable parent.

zoso77

Sarina,

Welcome to the Board. Others have beat me to the punch in giving you a proper greeting, but that's OK. What LoveMeNow shares with you comes from a place of pain and experience. Anyways, my two cents?

Where to start...well, you saw through him. When he says he can't stop, what he's really saying is a) he's choosing not to stop and b) he expects you to tolerate his continued using regardless of the adverse impact it has both on you and your kids. So, kudos to you for both booting his arse out and seeing through what is really a transparent (and lame) attempt at manipulating you.

It never ceases to amuse me how those in active addiction try to pull the wool over the eyes of those who can see right through them. Of course, it can take a long time to get to a place where you can see through them, but once you get there, all you have to do is believe your eyes and trust your gut. And 7 years is quite a long time.

So, take care of you and your kids. If he wants to continue to use, fine, that's his choice. But under no circumstances should you and the kids pay the price for his bad decisions.

Keep us posted as things progress.

Sarina24

Thanks everyone for your kind and encouraging words. He left several messages last night after I turned my phone off asking me if "I thought about what he said". He then called me again this morning to tell me he didn't know what he was going to do and how his job won't allow him to come back until he starts an outpatient program and has 2 negative drug tests and he doesn't think he can do this alone and won't I please reconsider. I tried to be as calm as possible but pretty much said it's not happening. He sold his phone for drugs I assume, so he keeps calling from all different numbers and i can't not answer the phone in case it is the kids school or something important concerning them. I am just so over all this. Clearly the rehab didn't do him much good, but it made a world of difference for me. Every day that went by while he was gone made me see how much better our lives would be without him.

On another note, I am thinking about talking to our 3 year olds pre-school and letting them know that my son is not to be released to him under any circumstances. I don't think he would try to come and get him but you can never be sure. I just feel so embarrassed saying my son's dad is a drug addict, please do not release him to anyone but myself

zoso77

I understand. However, don't underestimate the kindness and empathy of others in situations like this, especially when said situations involve children.

You may want to do some digging in terms of your legal rights regarding your 3 year old. If your ex is manipulative enough to try to pull all that nonsense, my guess is he's sick enough to make your life a living hell when it comes to custody issues. And what you may find is all his arguments will be about his rights and not about what's best for the child.

Don't assume anything. Do your homework and prepare for the worst.

Calmwater

About your son, if you're worried I'd do it anyway, better safe then sorry. I know it's embarrassing and hard to do, but they are so unpredictable when they're using and it's up to us to keep our kids safe. Mine are older but I definitely understand your feelings!

So sorry for all you're going through.