jzeb2008

I haven't posted for some time now. I have still been working with my sponsor. Last anyone on here has heard from me was probably earlier this year when I had filed for divorce.(I would have to look back at older posts.) In April, my husband and I began to work things out after his promises of sobriety and counseling. So far, he has been back to jail in early July for battery on a so-called friend (all due to drinking a pills). He "learned his lesson" and would get sober, do meetings, counseling, anger management and become a better husband and father. The drinking stopped for some time, he has attended ONEassestment for addiction just last week and would go to meetings if suggested. It was suggested that he go 3 times a week to counseling AND meetings. He claimed to not have enough time for that with work and will go everyone 3 weeks. SAME day, he goes back to drinking. He has been taking Adderall because he claims to have ADHD and his doctor will prescribe it anyways. Yeah right! He is still on a prescription of 120 Oxytocin 30s and 60 Methedones monthly for this shoulder surgery 7 months ago. We are buying a new home this weekend and I don't even want to sign the contract. I don't have any other choice. I want separate bedrooms and to live separate lives. But, guess who doesn't like this idea? He said that married couples don't live that way and he won't. But, HE does. I don't. But, I'm ready to. It tells me how hurt he is that I don't accept him drinking because he was drinking when I fell in love with him. That was a completely different time in my life, I was on many different antidepressants and antianxiety medications that I didn't need due to a misdiagnosis and I wasn't myself. I was a zombie with no back bone and I am a different person now. I tried for years to deal with a husband who drinks and abuses opiates daily, who is never around, who denies and blames and I can't do it anymore. I tried.

zoso77

Welcome back, Jzeb. I'm sorry you're going through a hard time.

Why don't you feel you have any choice?

AnvilheadII

buying a house with him when you KNOW what he's about is just insanity!!!
you want a separate life? then SEPARATE and go have one!!!

Sungrl

Please don't sign that contract. Go MIA and cut your loses, he sounds potentially dangerous. Also, do not let anybody dictate how you live your life.
You want separate rooms. you go for it. Sounds to me though that separate houses is a MUCH better idea.

Yogagurl

I'm sorry, but if it were me, I would want to NOT sign a contract with someone who is behaving like this to share the financial responsibility of owning a home. If he gets put in prison because of wreck-less behavior, that puts the mortgage on you alone. What if he does not continue to get better but continues to use and continues to go down? That means it will be harder for you to break away in the future. I WOULD NOT sign any contract that would bind me to an addict. This is coming from someone who stayed with an addict because of financial ties. No way I'd ever wish that road on anyone. Keep him at a distance, if you keep him around at all. Just my 2 cents.

jzeb2008

I have no other choice because of the financial situation I am in. I have nowhere else to go, have to move due to the home that I'm in having serious plumbing issues that the landlord refuses to fix and being a stay at home mother to 5 children with no one to watch the younger children while I work.

AnvilheadII

surely there ARE other choices than bogging yourself down further with a THIRTY YEAR mortgage with an active addict.

i'm sorry i'm confused...are you a SAHM or do you work? i hope you work and can support yourself and the kids, and consider getting rid of the emotional financial vampire that is your husband.

hopeful4

Can you call and report the current landlord? There are Landlord-Tenant laws that protect you in cases like that. I would call and check that out. Or go rent somewhere else, just don't sign that contract.

ladyscribbler

If he continues with his addiction and crazy behavior, you are going to be left holding the bag no matter what.
I kept myself stuck for a long time because I didn't like the options that I had, so I stuck my head in the sand and pretended that I had no options, no choices, no free will.
Have your tried calling code enforcement in your city? They can force your landlord to bring the plumbing up to code.

airwick

It's not going to be easy, but it's going to be worth it. LEAVE

(now who has that a their icon?) I know, haven't seen him on the board lately.
I'll send him a private message to get him posting again

After 12 years, I left with my 12 year old boy. Like you I knew he drank when we married. It 's natural for people to change, I had to because I am responsible for a life!

jzeb2008

I AM a stay at home mother with 5 children, no one to help with child care so I can work, unable to pay for child care AND a deatbeat ex-husband who refuses to pay child support though he has been incarcerated for nonpayment. I have no family to help, nowhere else that I could even stay temporarily while I get on my feet. I have called code enforcement on the landlord but all that can be done is to go to court on the issue. The house was also infested with bed bugs(which I really didn't want to mention in the first post)and the landlord will NOT pay for an exterminator so I HAVE to move. We are doing everything possible not to take them with us. I am just venting, not hoping to have anyone tell me that I have other options or be treated as a victim. It is not as easy as it may sound.

zoso77

You're right. You're in an incredibly difficult position, one with no easy solutions or exits. But what I know and surely you know, too, is if you sign papers for a new house, an already difficult position becomes even more difficult. And none of us want to see that happen to you.

One thing I will say, from the heart, is for me, it is simply unacceptable that you and your children have to live this way. And it should be unacceptable to you as well.

Ann posted the following information some time ago:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

If you have not already read it, I encourage you to. Whatever you choose to do, you have our support.

God bless.

airwick

JEZB2008 I didn't mean to come off as being uncaring. I apologize for that
I just couldn't see anything being any worse then the position you are in

I can't even picture having to take care of 4 children without help. I don't receive help from the father but I have great family support. If I can give you moral support....I will!

I wish a pleasant evening to you and your children

Enabler1

I am so sorry to hear of your situation, Please ask people for help, a church group, al-a-non. I hope and pray you do not go forward w/this contract. I would go to any lengths to be free of this addict. Just my opinion, of course.

ShootingStar1

I don't understand why you need to sign a contract to buy a house in order to get out of the poor living situation you are in currently. If there is enough money for a down payment, that could be used instead for deposits and rent on a place to live.

It might be time to call a DV (domestic violence) counselor and see what resources they can find for you and your children on a short term basis as you look for a longer term solution. They probably can refer you to a lawyer. It might be time to file for support from your husband and separate.

I guess we're trying to help by saying don't jump from a frying pan into a 30 year mortgage fire. If this doesn't help, please understand that all we'd like to do is help.

ShootingStar1

chicory

(((Jzeb)))

When you filed for divorce, last year, had you gotten some support, or ideas of help, that gave you strength and the resolve to do it?

It sounds like a terrible situation to be in. I can imagine, having been a single mom with three children, at least they were in school before I had to go to work.

Some churches will help.. they take donations from their members regularly in order to help people in need. Moms with children are especially important to them. If you know anyone who goes to church, talk with them... tell them your situation.. people do care. You may have to speak to several before you find one that is able to help. I am not saying it is always possible, but I know of a big church that helps folks in your situation.

Also the Domestic Violence/Womens advocates in your town government should be able to give you some ideas.

No one can tell you the right thing to do, but we care and will support you. You can talk about your feelings to us and perhaps together we can help give you ideas, and that all important support that you need right now.

How old are your children? If you were on your own, in Indiana you can get food stamps, medical coverage, and financial help, if you need it. Its not easy, I know, to do this with no one to help with the kids , but you may have to take them with you to file for things, and thats ok.

If you jointly own a house, it may not be easy to get food stamps, or medical. I am not sure.

I am sure its your sincere wish to have your own home, I know I would love it, but often these days, and with your unstable situation, it may not be the right time.

would you be able to rent somewhere else? are you worried about whether they will rent to you, with the pest problems you have had or will they ask that?

big hugs to you. take care of you and the babies today. a day at a time, you can deal with.

jzeb2008

Again, my husband is the breadwinner in this situation so money that could be put down for a deposit and rent is coming from him. It makes much more sense to purchase a home and not throw away money paying rent. This is NOT a domestic abuse situation and if I tried to make it look that way, in my state, CPS would step in and remove my children. I have a friend who had this happen last year.

jzeb2008

We did not go through with the divorce and hadn't even gotten into court so no support order was put in. Being such a big family, we are already receiving benefits even with my husband working due to the fact that I don't receive support for my older children from my previous marriage. We are buying land contract so it doesn't make a difference if we rent or buy in the eyes of the state in regards to benefits.

chicory

Jbez,
the reason I mentioned DV/womens advocates is that they work for womens issues , or know someone who can. Does not mean you have to claim being physically abused, although living with an addict who drinks and abuses opiates daily, and is never around, is abuse. Mental abuse hurts you and your children know that mom is sad, and they learn their life coping skills from their parents.

have you ever gone to nar-anon? I am not sure but I think I've heard that some have babysitting services?

jzeb2008

There are not any Nar-anon groups in my area and I have been attending Al-anon and working with a sponsor for 5 1/2 years, along with seeing a counselor off and on.