Yogagurl

There is grief when surfacing from the realization that all you may have thought you were doing for someone who you live as not only destructive to that person but also destructive to you as well. It's not that I feel like, "Woe is me, poor me," it's more like "Holy dis-ease from which I am surfacing, teach me to be better to be better to myself so that I may be better to others." Four years of being front row to an active crack addict and being emotionally abused is a long time. So you escape. Then what? Reality sets in and you can see what had been happening directly in front of you the whole time and that is a painful reality. The healing process is going to be a long one. While coming to this realization, I'm wAnt to send love and compassion to all who post and who are a part of the dis-ease, no matter which side of the fence you're on. God speed your recovery.

Ann

Then the healing begins, whatever recovery program you work gets worked harder and longer and you wrap yourself in the support of others who have been where you are and can guide you along the way.

The pain of leaving may hurt like the dickens but eventually lessens and heals, but the pain of staying is worse and ongoing.

Wishing you healing days ahead.

Hugs

AnvilheadII

I spent 4.5 years AS a crack addict and having that now EIGHT YEARS behind me feels like a new lease on life. every day.

Twofish

Dear Ann,
You are so good and so right...
The pain of leaving hurts but it eventually lessens and heals...but the pain of staying is worse and ongoing.
Like Anvill says...after leaving it feels like a new lease on life, everyday. I'd like to feel that way.
Thanks for sharing this!
TF

Impurrfect

I'm a recovering crackhead and a recovering codie for more than 7 years.

Yes, I had to cut the relationships with three XABF 's and my addiction. Yes, it hurt tremendously at first. Then I began to find gratitude, though it took a while and a lot of prodding from the great people here.

My life is not perfect, by no means, but I am grateful for every day. The pain will ease, and there will probably come a day when you wonder "WTH was I thinking ?!??"

I clung on to dysfunctional men for about 25 years. Today? They couldn't handle the person I am because I found my backbone and want I don't want in a relationship.

For me, it was first pain, then anger. At first I was angry at them, then I realized my part and was angry at me. I finally accepted that when I knew better, I did better and that was the best I could do.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Vale

We grow, we learn, and we change.
When that stops, it's time to visit the
tombstone salesman.

Yogagurl

All, thank you for your comments and replies. The pain comes from the loss of so much energy that I thought was being used for the greater good. I guess I did what I could with what I had for as long as I didn't know any better. I have so much therapy ahead of me!! LOL - I will be taking that hard earned money I was using to enable him and putting it towards a SHRINK!

Impurrfect and Anvil, what a journey it must have been for you getting away from such a horrible addiction!! I admire your strength and am grateful for your feedback and sharing. I hope one day soon, I am to the point that I feel like I have a new lease on life. To an extent, I do. When I go no contact, I know I really will feel that way.

Fandy

You are still in contact with him? Please try to turn him off for a few days, I am afraid he will be trying to reel you back in and even though you moved, you are STILL very vulnerable.

btw, my health insurance paid for therapy for over 3.5 years...the co-pay was $15.00 a session or under $85.00 a month.

Yogagurl

He's absolutely psychotically unstable and oscillates from loving and missing me to bullying and black mailing me into doing what HE wants me to do. I barely respond to his text messages - only to reply about him moving out of the house we were previously renting. I don't want to cut off contact and change my number and all that until he has moved out of that house because I'm afraid on the damages him might make and those damages will come out of a 1200$ deposit I put down on the house - which is basically 2 months rent here.

He IS trying to reel me back in - by THREATENING me, which I feel isn't the best approach, LOL. I'm like, really???

I'm almost no contact, almost there. I know at this point, my feelings for him are so cold I would never go back. It's the seeing him that I have to stay away from. He's emaciated, and even though I haven't seen him in about 2 weeks, I know when I do, it will be like looking at skeletal version of him. That's what pulled me in last time. I couldn't bare to see him that way and I took him with me.

I'm staying strong by reading on the forum. I may not always respond to posts, but I read and read and read.

((((Hugs)))) to all <3

chicory

Stay strong, Yogagurl. You know that you cannot fix him, and that will help you make the right decisions for you.

Its sad when we see them emaciated.... you wanna fix it for them... but we cannot force feed them to health. they make us crazy, we escape, and they do the whole thing over again. Until they hit bottom.

I am sorry for this pain.. it stinks. therapy for yourself would probably really help.

Fandy

I know that you want to help him and "fix the pain" both for you and what you THINK he is experiencing...but you cannot.

I understand that you need your security and it is in your name, you do what you gotta do. but you can't remove his addiction. That is front and center until HE decides it is over. I hope that he sees he needs help, but crack is drawing him more than you ever could. He needs a real medical detox, not something he can do on his own. not something you can do for him.

I hope that you have FTF support and your brother is sticking by you. please stay safe and be aware of your surroundings, call 911 if he shows up, it is the best thing you can do.

biminiblue

If it was me, I'd cut my losses and write off that $1200. It's going to be well worth it to not have to deal with him through the likely eviction process that will be coming up from the landlord, and you will be free.

Priceless.

Yogagurl

I may very well have to cut losses. Today is the first day he has not bothered to contact me, which makes me think it's the calm before the storm. Maybe it's me subconsciously not wanting to sever ties completely? I have always used money as an excuse. I know that I would never ever ever ever go back. I have com WAY too far. But maybe it's the part of me that kind of wants to keep tabs as part of my never ending need to worry about the well bein of someone else?? The financial aspect of this move just makes me nervous, even though I have faith in my HP. I just need to make sure he's not there before going back.....

AnvilheadII

staying in contact with him will not prevent him from doing ANYTHING....it won't make him behave, or move out, or eat, or be responsible, or stop smoking crack. it does keep you anchored TO him tho.

once crack addicts become psychotic, irrational, unstable, volatile, paranoid - they do NOT get better. not unless they maintain absolute 100% sobriety...and even then, some brain damage is irreparable. you do him no favors as continuing to be an outlet for his insanity....by continuing to allow him to threaten you, abuse you, that only feeds his crazy.

you can't help him. he doesn't WANT help. it may take an act of God, or a long incarceration. his well being is HIS problem.

the only thing you need to worry about is your OWN well being.

Enabler1

I haven't heard from my AS, and I have been thinking about him all day today. I have his calls blocked. I guess the only thing I can be thankful for, is the fact that he must be safe or else I would have gotten a visit from police, or a call. He was supposed to be in a halfway house today. The grief is so difficult.

I did do fall landscaping, and found joy in this beautiful day.

I am having dreams about him when he was a baby, and I keep dropping him, and not being able to pick him up. How ironic is that? Thanks for these post.

zoso77

YG...how much is your sanity worth?

Eauchiche

I just realized this week that my alcoholic has been instrumental in my recovery. He causes me to hit bottom over and over again, driving me to step one each time.

Vale

$1200?

I swore it would never get past three figures, it got to high 3 figures,
BUT NOT FOUR!!!!
......then it got to 4.......

but that was ok.....gave a LOT of breathing room....NEVER would I allow it to
get ANYWHERE NEAR 5 figures...


define "near".

.....then it surpassed 5 figures, and my self serving logic collapsed under its own
weight.

When it comes to enabling, a dollar is too much.....and 10,000 is not enough.
(remind you of an AA slogan!?)

Twofish

Hi Enabler1 & YG!
Thinking about what I did and the feelings I felt...
I too think of my daughters, when they were children, laughing, playing and having fun in life...never a thought of addiction and pain it caused
I dream of them as they used to be, before addiction grabbed hold and took them away.
I guess it's that way with anyone we love, we remember the good, the positive behaviors...then I open my eyes and see what has happened.
To let it all go, to detach from the storm is not an easy first step. When I hear "just walk away..." How do you walk away from the person you love unconditionally?
I had to do that and it hurt and I felt guilty and I second guessed myself daily.
But as the hours turned to days and the days turned to weeks and weeks to months, I did feel some peace or relief. I let the addiction go and stopped giving it so much power and energy.
Now, the chaos has calmed down, put away, put to sleep. The memories remain but I understand that I had to let the guilt go. I had to free myself from it's hold.
I hope you can find some sense or tools from my experience.
Hugs and hope to the ones who were, are or remain in pain,
TF