njw1968

My son. turned 18 last week. He is in his last year of high school which I'm pretty certain he won't graduate. His father and I share custody 50/50 but he travels a lot so I have him more. He has a room with a walk out here. I'm upstairs two floors with a sound machine and ear plugs so I can sleep so he has the life over here. God and him only know what goes on. He skips school while staying here and stays downstairs most of the time to himself. He stole my prescription last week and took four of them. Lorazepam for sleep. I had insomnia all weekend. People say he's 18 tell him to follow rules or get out. I just can't bear that with the fear of him spiraling out of control and possibly overdosing. Right now he is in drug court and pretty much clean. What do I do?

FeelingGreat

Hi njw, have you been to Alanon? It's for the families, not the addicts and has been a huge help for many people on this forum.

Your son is beyond your control at the moment, but try not lose contact with him altogether. When is the last time you sat down with him for a meal and a chat?

bookreader

hey njw - I see you have been posting for some months - have you read the stickies? very important. You need to protect yourself - whatever prescriptions you have need to be well hid, hide your checkbook, change your PIN number - sorry if I sound dramatic. Let me ask other people here: her son is just (can't believe I said 'just') taking prescriptions, what advice to her and her son to prevent him from going to H.
I hate H.
b.

bookreader

And Al-Anon has been great - beyond great - for me. Try it,.

njw1968

He has also tried H. I have no idea how many times. He has been to inpatient therapy twice. I absolutely DREAD him coming home on Sunday. I have attended Nar- Anon meetings which are helpful. Praying a ton.

hopeful4

Keep going to Naranon, you need that face to face support.

I am sorry to say, it sounds like he has quite a nice life. Just gets to do his own thing with no consequences. Pretty sure drug court does not consider him taking your Rx staying clean. You should not either.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Protect yourself and your assets.

GardenMama

From what I have learned, there is no such thing as "pretty much clean" when it comes to addicts, especially those who have used or use heroin. If they are not using H, they are just bridging the gap until they can with whatever else they can find.

Your home does not sound like a safe place for him or you. Maybe start thinking about an alternative living situation. Sober house?

zoso77

Accept that you're powerless over what he does or doesn't do. Because if you don't, your fear is going to have a vice grip on you. And frankly, that's no way to live.

It doesn't matter if he just turned 18, or 28, or 38, or 108. If you stayed coupled to him in that manner, you simply won't get any better. You'll be stuck. And if you hang around here long enough, you'll bump into moms who are living very healthy lives even though their kids are still using. These moms made the decision to get their lives back, and followed it up with a lot of hard work.

You can choose that course, too. When you're ready.

FWIW...your son isn't clean if he's raiding your meds.

bookreader

Zoso77 is so right - that advice is spot on.
oh honey, you can't put plugs in your ears and ignore what is going on - it is your space! And if he is in active addiction, he isn't the son you have had for so many years before this demon took control of him. Look around here for some advice on boundaries and contracts with kids.
Be strong on Sunday; remember it is your home.
Prayers for you.
b.

njw1968

So no more drug court. He withdrew today. Hasn't been able to provide a sample Took four hours one day and two hours another day. A mental stage fright thing. He said drug court was actually helping him. So this is scary. Now he's back in circuit court for a five year probation. I don't know enough about this but I hope he can get a job or this will be terrible. I think this charge can be reduced to something less like a misdemeanor. He was 17 when it happened. He stole a neighbors prescription. Problem is..... if he gets cleared and off probation he may return to the same lifestyle. Yes, it's so messed up.

allforcnm

Im so sorry.. sounds like a very stressful situation and with your son being so young also. If he has been using in his teens.. Ive often heard substance abuse stops one from maturing.. so your son is probably emotionally, cognitively younger than 18.

I would also suggest taking a look at Community Reinforcement method.. CRAFT.... its for you alone, and also to help navigate your relationship and provide positive reinforcements to your son.... you can read more about it here, and through the link inside to the 20 minute guide for parents.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ide-craft.html

qwer1234

njw,

A mom here. Son's DOC is heroin, but I've heard he's used crack, and dabbled in a variety of others. Started using somewhere around 15. Fastfoward to 25. He's in rehab now. Unsure of where that will lead him.

As difficult as it is for a mother to accept .... our children often stray from the path that we invisioned for them. We see them graduating from high school, a scholarship to college, graduation, great job, successful career....and on and on..... and it's heart breaking to see homelessness, hunger, and drug addiction.

Keep posting here. Go to as many Nar-Anon meetings as you can. I read the book, Don't Let Your Kids Ruin Your Life. It's a great help to me...I have the kindle version on my phone and I can go to bookmarks in a snap during the day when I need to.

I'm also a single mom with father who lives half US away. I know how tiring it is when it's only you. Stay strong.

qwer

pommie

If he was 17 when it happened Im pretty sure it will not show up on his record. My son was 17 when he got his first charge and because he was a minor it does not show up on his record.

zoso77

Njw...it will be terrible...for him. It does not have to be terrible for you.

Try to stay in the present and not worry so much about the future.

cece1960

Njw,
I can share with you my experience.
Back when my son was your son's age, I was terrified that he would be charged with something. I also thought of how hard it would be to find work, keep a job. I was also very afraid of him losing his license for the same reason. Or, losing jobs he already had.

I paid fines, drove to hearings, covered for him, gave him money, you name it.

Fast forward to 29 years old:
He has lost his license for a good amount of time
He has done 2 stunts in jail, each for 90 days
He has been charged with a multitude of charges
He has lost countless jobs

All this occurred whether I helped him or not. In fact, helping him only prolonged the bad outcome.
Just think, I could have spent the last ten years in a good state, rather than the years I spent exhausted -emotionally and physically - because it really didn't matter. It was always out of my hands.

Don't be afraid of consequences, Njw.

njw1968

The consequences I'm so terrified of is the unthinkable consequence, suicide or overdose. I can't bear to even think about it. The thought of it sometimes completely paralyzes me.

GardenMama

Dear NJW,

You are at the place where we all find ourselves having to review and return humbly to Step One: "We admitted we were powerless over the addict — that our lives had become unmanageable."

Countless nights I have laid in bed wondering if this would be the night she overdosed. Once we have been to "the land where anything can happen," we can always recall/return to it in our moments of fear and anxiety. Yes, we know how bad things can get. Yes, we have seen very dark things take our children and loved ones. But regardless, we still have NO power over it. None. My daughter has overdosed twice in my house. One time, she nearly died. I had to give her over to God every time, every day, every moment I realized I truly had no control over her life. It is not easy, but it can be done.

Please take care, please don't worry yourself to that threadbare kind of despair. Whatever will be, will be. Send him loving thoughts, light, hope, healing.

Txhelp

Cece is my story as a mom.

Gardenmama this has been my fear. The ultimate parent fear death...losing them. I felt as if I was being tormented.

We have to learn to release our kids. No more picking up our kids pieces...it really does prolong the process. I picked up the pieces because I feared for their well being. It made things worse.

njw1968

So it hasn't been a bad week at all until my son came home wasted tonight He says he doesn't have an addiction he just likes to "party a lot" I have no idea what he was on. I can't even tell anymore. He claims he was only drinking like that's ok. Of course my ex is out of town this week so I deal with everything by myself. I told him I'm not going to have him coming home wasted. It's disrespectful as hell. Not sure what to do really. He's still in high school. I hate living like this. It's so unfair. His sister had to witness everything also.

qwer1234

njw,

One of the most difficult aspects I've dealt with is the impact of AS' addiction on my other kids, his younger brothers and sisters.

Recently my AS left rehab (again) against medical advice and I found myself reflecting on all the "things" I'd done to get him there....Drop plans for dinner with family, or homework time, or work, bring him food, clothes, buy him a restaurant card, anything to "encourage" him to leave drugs. Meanwhile I had teenagers at home who needed Mom and who were being neglected by my overindulgence in my son. Overindulgence = need to control

That was a turning point for me. I recognized that NOTHING I'd done in the past 10 years had changed who he was, what he was doing, or the path he was on. And I had to acknowledge that for the last 6-9 months I'd let people at home come second to a drug addict who was content to keep drugging.

It's really a tough place when they are young....you hope that something, anything will be a wake up call.

qwer