So confused
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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So Jacob came home wasted last night and I told him to leave today. Probably one of the worst days of my life. Cops came. Gave him a warning. So devastating. Had my daughters tennis banquet tonight. Put on that happy face!! Everyone talking about their kids and their futures and college. I'm so proud of my daughter but constantly tormented by my addicted son. "How's your son?" "Oh, he's a drug addict and thief and I just kicked him out of he house and he probably won't graduate but thanks for asking!" No one actually asked because most people know I think. I almost broke down crying a couple of times. I feel like I'm in a horrible nightmare. My daughter and dad are so tired of hearing about it and I'm consumed with the fear of a dark and grim future for my son. I'm in Nar- anon but I'm miserable. I don't know if I did the right thing. I wanted to have a glass of wine tonight when I got home and he stole my one and only bottle before he left. I cannot believe how my only son has turned out. My mother would be so disappointed if she were still alive. I pray so much for a change.
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I pray so much for a change.
At this moment, your son is lost. He is impervious to any love or support you and others give him. So while it doesn't feel good, you did the right thing by throwing down a hard boundary with him. If you didn't do that, you prolong your suffering. If your son wants to "party", that's fine. He can do it somewhere other than your home. He, and he alone, should pay the price for his choices, not you or anyone else in your family.
To change takes work. And the hardest thing you have to do is to let go of your son. You're clearly struggling with that. And it's completely and totally understandable. But if you don't let go, your suffering will continue. You can continue to love him, want the best for him, and pray for him. But you cannot allow him to destroy you. You still have your life to live, and it's a life worth living.
Don't take my word for it. You've been around here long enough to know there are moms who've been where you are and have come out the other side. There's hope for you regardless of whether your son is using or not. You just have to start believing that.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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NJW, way to go! You made a solid boundary, now the hard part is sticking with it. Before you even consider letting him come home, make a plan for yourself regarding what you will and will not tolerate in your home. Be honest about the impact it has on everyone else to have him behaving in this way. He is 18. He is by all legal accounts an adult.
And not to be too glib, but, so what if he is still in high school? If using is what he prefers to do right now, nothing you say or do will convince him otherwise. He can always get his GED at some other time in his life.
For the meantime, you and your daughter sure don't need this in your house. Be firm with yourself, especially! Stick to your boundaries! We are here for you.
And as for the opinions and judgements of other parents, here's a great line I learned in a meeting once: "It is none of my business what other people think of me." Let it go.
And not to be too glib, but, so what if he is still in high school? If using is what he prefers to do right now, nothing you say or do will convince him otherwise. He can always get his GED at some other time in his life.
For the meantime, you and your daughter sure don't need this in your house. Be firm with yourself, especially! Stick to your boundaries! We are here for you.
And as for the opinions and judgements of other parents, here's a great line I learned in a meeting once: "It is none of my business what other people think of me." Let it go.
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Join Date: May 2010
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I am so sorry to hear you hurting so much. Keep going to meetings. Are you in counseling? If not, get into a counselor who specializes in families with addiction. That will help you immensely. You don't owe the public any explanation. If someone asks hows your son, simply say your not sure at this time and leave it at that.
Lastly, I will say your son has to experience the consequences of his actions before it's going to get any better. If he is on probation, that won't last long. I go to Celebrate Recovery and have heard various testimonies of young people who had lives that were a wreck. The one and only thing that could help them was some very real time in jail. Many have come out on the other side clean, sober, and helping others get there too. However, the enabling in their lives had to stop and they had to know the consequences before their behavior changed. So see it this way, letting him experience consequences just may be the one and only thing that can save him.
I hope you now put the focus on you and healing for yourself.
Lastly, I will say your son has to experience the consequences of his actions before it's going to get any better. If he is on probation, that won't last long. I go to Celebrate Recovery and have heard various testimonies of young people who had lives that were a wreck. The one and only thing that could help them was some very real time in jail. Many have come out on the other side clean, sober, and helping others get there too. However, the enabling in their lives had to stop and they had to know the consequences before their behavior changed. So see it this way, letting him experience consequences just may be the one and only thing that can save him.
I hope you now put the focus on you and healing for yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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NJW, Congrats on your daughter's accomplishments in tennis. And good for you for going to the banquet.....sometimes you have to fake it till you make it.
Have you read the book, Don't Let Your Kids Ruin Your Life?
Boundries are something like consequences when kids were younger. Remember putting your son in timeout? The actions and behaviors of adults are more extreme, but they still require boundries, to protect us, our family, and sometimes the A.
You mentioned him taking a bottle of wine. Have you considered changing the locks. After an instance with my adult son with a handgun, I put code locks on all the doors. They are set to self lock after being closed.
Hang in there.....there's a great support network here. A great deal of my sanity now is due to reading here every day and knowing I'm not alone in dealing with A.
qwer
Have you read the book, Don't Let Your Kids Ruin Your Life?
Boundries are something like consequences when kids were younger. Remember putting your son in timeout? The actions and behaviors of adults are more extreme, but they still require boundries, to protect us, our family, and sometimes the A.
You mentioned him taking a bottle of wine. Have you considered changing the locks. After an instance with my adult son with a handgun, I put code locks on all the doors. They are set to self lock after being closed.
Hang in there.....there's a great support network here. A great deal of my sanity now is due to reading here every day and knowing I'm not alone in dealing with A.
qwer
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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I desperately need advice. My 18 year old son ended up walking into the house while I was at a Nar anon meeting. He begged me to stay. My daughter was there and I just couldn't put her through the drama of yelling and cops. I'm so exhausted. Now he's back and he asked to stay to get clean. I said I will be drug testing him. Problem is I don't want to use it if it's still in his system from Sunday. Then when it's positive which it will be what do I do? He won't leave peacefully. Cops are just too much for my daughter.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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njw,
I'm personally not a fan of the drug testing at home option. It might work when they are 14/15 and just dabbling and are still minors. Go online and search for ways to beat drug tests....you'll be amazed. And...what if you detect drugs? Will his father drug test too?
What about an in patient rehab program? I realize he's still in high school, but that might be a better use of his time.
qwer
I'm personally not a fan of the drug testing at home option. It might work when they are 14/15 and just dabbling and are still minors. Go online and search for ways to beat drug tests....you'll be amazed. And...what if you detect drugs? Will his father drug test too?
What about an in patient rehab program? I realize he's still in high school, but that might be a better use of his time.
qwer
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Originally Posted by cece1960 
Njw,
I can share with you my experience.
Back when my son was your son's age, I was terrified that he would be charged with something. I also thought of how hard it would be to find work, keep a job. I was also very afraid of him losing his license for the same reason. Or, losing jobs he already had.
I paid fines, drove to hearings, covered for him, gave him money, you name it.
Fast forward to 29 years old:
He has lost his license for a good amount of time
He has done 2 stunts in jail, each for 90 days
He has been charged with a multitude of charges
He has lost countless jobs
Don't be afraid of consequences, Njw.
I can share with you my experience.
Back when my son was your son's age, I was terrified that he would be charged with something. I also thought of how hard it would be to find work, keep a job. I was also very afraid of him losing his license for the same reason. Or, losing jobs he already had.
I paid fines, drove to hearings, covered for him, gave him money, you name it.
Fast forward to 29 years old:
He has lost his license for a good amount of time
He has done 2 stunts in jail, each for 90 days
He has been charged with a multitude of charges
He has lost countless jobs
All this occurred whether I helped him or not. In fact, helping him only prolonged the bad outcome.
Just think, I could have spent the last ten years in a good state, rather than the years I spent exhausted -emotionally and physically - because it really didn't matter. It was always out of my hands.
Just think, I could have spent the last ten years in a good state, rather than the years I spent exhausted -emotionally and physically - because it really didn't matter. It was always out of my hands.
Njw... please, take this honest and wise post to heart.
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Originally Posted by qwer1234
njw, I'm personally not a fan of the drug testing at home option. It might work when they are 14/15 and just dabbling and are still minors. Go online and search for ways to beat drug tests....you'll be amazed. And...what if you detect drugs? Will his father drug test too? What about an in patient rehab program? I realize he's still in high school, but that might be a better use of his time. qwer
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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njw--I am glad you are going to naranon meetings...I just started going a few weeks ago and last night went to my first f2f one...it was really good and helpful. Have had 3 addicts...two as teens and one now as an adult. The only thing that made a difference with the older two was when I 'let go and let God'...in the process of working my program and doing that with the third...and it is so very hard...but I truly believe that it is the only thing that might help. It is hard work to set boundaries (having anxiety attacks) and to hold them and the only thing that is working is for me to focus on my own recovery...and it is truly one minute at a time.
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My ex kicked my son out last night after he didn't come home on time Shut off his phone also. He said zero tolerance. Now I don't know what to do. I can't reach him and he will run out of his medication. I think he also stole $100. I know he will be at my door and I know what I should do but not sure that I can. He doesn't have a car, job, anything. I feel sick.
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What he is about to experience is called consequences. If he stole $100 he has that. If it makes you feel better, print out a list of the nearest homeless shelters and also the nearest Salvation Army programs, which are free. There is help if he decides to take it. Right now he sees you not sticking to him being out, so he is manipulating the situation.
An addict needs consequences before they can change. You, your husband, and your daughter deserve to live in a peaceful household.
XXX
An addict needs consequences before they can change. You, your husband, and your daughter deserve to live in a peaceful household.
XXX
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Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he's being quite the little rebel isn't he? pushing the limits as far as he can. as long as you remain the SOFT TOUCH he's going to play you and play you and steal from you and take away every single peaceful calm moment you will ever have.
a lot of what he is doing is acting out....i'm not sure what the rules and boundaries were for him growing up, but now is the time to put them in place. you can't call the cops and kick him out one minute and then agree to let him stay the next. YOU have to give a clear consistent SINGLE message, no wishy washy stuff.
your daughter is the real victim her....do what is best for her even if it feels like you are choosing one child over another. you are not, you are just treating their circumstances differently.
a lot of what he is doing is acting out....i'm not sure what the rules and boundaries were for him growing up, but now is the time to put them in place. you can't call the cops and kick him out one minute and then agree to let him stay the next. YOU have to give a clear consistent SINGLE message, no wishy washy stuff.
your daughter is the real victim her....do what is best for her even if it feels like you are choosing one child over another. you are not, you are just treating their circumstances differently.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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njw--my AD came back twice last year...both times I went to look for her and brought her home. She promised to detox and cleanup--we spent everything we had to get her into rehab and try to keep me working without going nuts emotionally...she never stopped using the whole time...since then her dad and I also tried to get her help from the courts (& the judge and DA were wonderful...they tried to get her into a pre-trial diversion program that included drug rehab--in San Francisco...this can be called a miracle from her HP and mine)--however...she refused and prefers her lifestyle to all that was offered. Her two older sisters then tried...and did basically the same things...and she promised but never carried through...all for them paying for a cell phone for her (something I let go of doing in 2013 and then encouraged a 'friend' enabler to do and he said he did)...she is furious with me...which I expected and it is taking me everything I have to work my recovery for me in naranon and alanon...and to be there for me...which I think is the step forward...but I am always confused so don't really know...but am working on bits and pieces of self care and they feel so alien...so probably true. It is important for your children to know that you will stand by the boundaries you set...and I have learned...and it is hard...that when my husband and I can stand together it makes a huge difference...although no outcomes or progress can be counted on...just prayed and hoped for.
God Bless.
God Bless.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Originally Posted by njw1968
My ex kicked my son out last night after he didn't come home on time Shut off his phone also. He said zero tolerance. Now I don't know what to do. I can't reach him and he will run out of his medication. I think he also stole $100. I know he will be at my door and I know what I should do but not sure that I can. He doesn't have a car, job, anything. I feel sick.
Not. Your. Problem.
Your son has chosen this path. He has chosen to use drugs. He has chosen to lie and steal to fuel his drug use.
His choices are the primary reason he does not have a job, and are the primary reason why he won't graduate from high school.
Insofar as I'm able to, I understand the dissonance you must be experiencing as a parent in terms of what your heart is telling you and what your mind knows to be true. If you want to be kind to you son, allow him to once and for all experience the consequences of his choices in full.
If someone other than your son had stolen $100 off you or your ex, you'd have no trouble reporting that person to the police. It does not phase your son that he is stealing off you or your ex. He does not care that you're his mother. All you are at this moment in time to him is someone to steal from, lie to, and manipulate. And until your son decides to --
a) quit drugs
b) follow that with the appropriate course of treatment, and
c) learn how to live as a responsible person to both himself and to society
-- this will not change.
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Thank you to everyone. Reading these makes me feel like I'm not so alone. I know in my heart what I need to do and I pray to God that I have the strength to do it. I just keep telling myself that while this is so damn hard it may the one thing that wakes him up.
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