thebrokenwife

This is my first post but have been reading posts for over a yr now. My situation is I'm sure no different then many others here.

I married my high school sweetheart and have been together in total for almost 20 yrs. (I am only 35). We have two amazing children and a house in the country- we moved from the city to an area where we know no one. For the past 7 yrs he has been addicted to opiates. It started with pills and then about 4 yrs ago it went to heroin. (He snorts it, doesn't shoot it). He has gone to rehab once - and unfortunately can't afford to be out of work for that long to go again. He's done out pt a few times, etc. His using has caused him to have 9 car accidents in 3 yrs- 4 of them resulted in totaling of his car. He lies about everything and anything! But I know all addicts do. I have told him time after time that I can't live like this, his financial irresponsibility and drug using has ruined our lives. And of course the promises come, "I'll go to meetings, I'll go to therapy, you can hold my money, I'll change my number, you can drug test me". And when it comes down to it, he doesn't do any of that- maybe a week or two and then back to refusing. He has sabaxone but I guess rather get high then take the medicine. I finally have decided I need my life back! I can't raise two little babies with an addict as a father. He comes home 1 night a week bc I'm too afraid he won't make it home safely to our house, so he stays w friends during the week. I told him this was it- and he is taking it for granting I guess bc he still talks about our future. This breaks my heart.
Then he goes on and on about how I'm just as to blame for this as he I'd... I don't go to Alanon ( although he does not go to na), I should have supported him better-( support what- his lies, using, not getting help), I should have been a better wife, I don't know how to love, I break his balls too much, and the list goes on and on. Somehow he believes this is my fault. And of course the normal thing to do is believe it. Did I do something or more importantly did I not do enough? I stood in this marriage for 7 yrs of him using and lieing. Haven't taken me out to dinner in yrs bc he doesn't have the money for that, only his drugs I guess. But he still feels that I could have done more. And is he right. Is this somehow my fault????

I don't understand how he can just lose his wife, kids, house all for drugs. I know the addiction is strong but how can he just not see what he is doing? I'm now stuck raising my kids alone in another state w no one near by to help. And I work full time. I am so depressed over this. I even questioned if I should or could stay in a marriage where he uses heroin but i know I can't. The mind games they play works. And sometimes I wish my life was over then to be stuck in the one I have.

zoso77

Welcome to the Board. I'm really glad you took that step and posted after lurking about for so long.

Others will be by to greet you and to give you support, but I'd like to say a couple of things, too.

I'm going to be blunt right out of the gate with you. He's full of sh*t. Completely, utterly, and apparently shamelessly so. He uses heroin because he's choses to. He does not care about the consequences to you, your two kids, your financial condition. Nothing. And what he's transparently doing is shifting accountability from himself, where it belongs, to his nearest target: you!

And you're actually wondering, Gee, is he right?

I would argue that this is a form of gaslighting he's practicing, which is a vile form of emotional abuse.

Seven years. Nine car accidents. Four cars totaled. And this is somehow your fault? Repeat after me: Hell No.

The good news is you've taken an important step in posting for the first time. And if you allow us to, we will offer all the support you can handle. You are not alone, not by a long shot. Please remember that his using is not your fault. His addiction is not your responsibility. What is your responsibility is your well being and the well being of your two kids. And my hope is what you learn here and what we share with you will both be a comfort and enable you to start making the decisions you need to make to get through this.

We're here for you...again, Welcome to the Board.

thebrokenwife

Thank you for your kind words. I know it sounds ridiculous to think we are to blame, but they have a way of making it sound like a possibility. I know I need massive amount of therapy. I am a broken person and it sucks.

AnvilheadII

And sometimes I wish my life was over then to be stuck in the one I have.


wait...you are in another state now, away from the insanity, WITH your children...I think your life is pretty special.

zoso77

You're not as broken as you think.

If you were really broken, you wouldn't have posted.

If you were really broken, you wouldn't have the awareness to recognize that the situation with your AH is no longer tenable.

What you are is deeply hurt, and given all that's gone on for as long as it has, that's totally understandable.

You can get through this. It will not be easy, but you can get through it.

chicory

Welcome, thebrokenwife. I am so sorry. Your hubby is really working a number on you. Zoso is right, Hell no its not your fault.

His blameshifting must be like getting hit with a two by four, upside the head... you are stunned and wonder what happened. Shame on him, you do not deserve to take the blame for a man who does not want to quit drugs. He is an addict, and seems to be enjoying it.

we support you in making your boundaries, and will be here for you. Maybe once he sees what he will be losing, and that you will follow through , he might consider getting help. In the meantime, do what you have to to have peace in your home. Life is so short, and children grow up so quickly. your time with them should be full of joy and laughter and they should never be at risk due to a selfish addict.

hugs and I am sorry. but your post hurts my heart. you are no way to blame for him.. unless you put the drugs in his nose.

addicts say things like, that, blame others, make promises and break them in five minutes, etc.

we have a lot of good reading here, on addiction. I bet it would help you a lot to read the stickies on drug addiction.

stick around and keep posting. we care!

thebrokenwife

I'm only 45 mins away from family, friends and where AH stays. I am alone and depressed but have to keep going every morning for the kids. I tried finding a therapist but I can't find a babysitter. Thanks for seeing the positive, I always see the negative

thebrokenwife

I think even if he ever got clean I have too much resentment for the tears he caused, that I would have to walk away regardless. I am such a strong minded woman, but yes am falling for the blame shifting. Sometimes you just need to hear others tell you that you have done all you could and it's not bc of you. That is what lead me to finally post.

chicory

I am glad you posted.

can you get the Codependent No More, book by melody beattie? its wonderful.

Maybe help yourself, by exercise, something nice for you, in your spare time(I know, you don't have much of that), or by making a gratitude list? Maybe a good positive book, when the children are in bed, would give you some encouragement.

try to believe that things will get better, because they already have, but things are hard and you can't really see it yet. As Anvil said, your life is special. that is true.

mejo

Yep, that sounds like a life with an addict. I am sorry. If he can afford to use, he can afford treatment. Period.

But, the one thing I can say...at least he admits he needs help or "I will get help, don't leave" bs. That is a start. But how much are you willing to sacrifice your health, mentally and physically before you get help??

Calmwater

My AH says the exact same things. I left but am still trying to get that voice out of my head!! Especially when I still have to deal with him because we have kids too. Same story, we were high school sweethearts too, together over twenty years. It's heartbreaking. I just wanted to say thank you for posting. You telling your story helped me. It's easier to see how full of it they are when the stories and words are so similar! I'm very sorry you're going through this, I know it's hell. This is a great group though. No one judges as we've all been there.

Karrets

Hiya read some of my posts if you like. You are not to blame for anything. I threw my husband out last Monday and he said the same thing. Throwing him out with no money no family no real friends no job was the last act of pure love I could give him and myself and for my daughter. It's impossible to live with an addict. Look up euphoric recall it's probably what's holding you. Also when I was told I was in an abusive relationship my eyes opened. I thought I was helping him but I was loving him to death. Words of I want to get clean are just words
Recovery looks like recovery. Addiction looks like addiction. He has a home... food...A warm bed....A family.... Where is his motivation to stop. You will know when enough is enough. I ended up collapsing with my 8 year old daughter having to hold me. He will take emotionally and financial all you have and not think twice. I'm sorry that you are going through this but your fighting to save a relationship and your in the ring on your own xxxx

Vale

Our egos come at this and try to defeat it.

I, myself thought likewise....having defeated every obstacle ever
placed in my path.

(Until crossing paths with addiction)

Now I am further blessed with the ultimate superpower........humility.

Addiction is not an opponent we can beat......it is a category 5 hurricane that we
either find shelter from...or are destroyed by.

Don't try to blame yourself for a hurricane. The time is better spent finding
shelter.