vaya

My AS, who is now homeless, entered the rehab where I work. It's a tricky situation. I'm trying to stay out to his treatment and let the team do what they do. My AS is in his 3rd day of kicking cold from heroin. He's been calling to get into detox and on lists, but got to a point where he had to do something.Although I've not let him live with me & he doesn't know exactly where I live, since his behavior forced me to move to avoid eviction, I'm still too involved in his care out of fear. I've cut back on what I do, but have still been enabling. I'm sick of his addiction and am praying to Let Go and Let God. I go to meetings, but I' shocked at how insidious my own co dependency is! he's always had difficulties since he was young, with special needs and I've advocated for him throughout his early years. I'm really trying to get out of the way of his treatment, but he comes to me to tell me he wants to leave and I pray he won't. I have learned to refer him to the case managers and staff there, but am not out of his treatment to the degree I should. I brought up a change of clothes and pack of cigs for him.

If I don't stay out of the way it could have dire consequences for me at my job and could make it impossible for him to stay and get the treatment he needs! I have such a hard time not controlling the outcome, again out of fear. I'm only realizing how sick I am and how I am disabling him. I did tell him that if he leaves I won't help him and he may want to think about where he would go. He knows I have his phone, so he wants me to let him have it when he goes.I told him to talk to the staff,not me about it, because there are procedures for things.I also encouraged him to work with case management to seek the possibility of medical care or detox, if that's what he wants.

Case management did talk to him and I think he will stay through the weekend. (He's also worried about having to turn off his Cash Aid and food stamps.....and maybe not ready to stop using.) He can't even shoot up anymore because his veins have collapsed and gets abcesses and his hand blows up when he's tried. He realizes he's reached a bottom, but who knows what he wants.

I do wish (and want) him to stay through the detox where he may be receptive to things and will want to stay to get help. However, I know I cannot control that. I haven't been able to deal with the fear of not knowing where he is, especially at night, when he has no place to sleep.

On the other hand, I also know that he plays me and uses me and it's always worse when I'm around, otherwise, he is learning to handle things. He lies and works me and I have fallen for it for so long, out of my fear and wish to make it better.

Now I am wondering if I should just call in sick tomorrow at work so he can't come and bug me about leaving or other things he wants and so I won't be tempted to make it better for him. I left the bag of clothes & cigs with the Assitant manager. I'm off work sunday & Monday too. I'm thinking I need to take off for me, more than for him, so I don't enable or become too involved. I'm also thinking/hoping he's stay there if I'm not around, at least through to Tuesday, when I return to work.

I'm trying to not get involved or 'break the rules' either, even though there's always an underlying desire to control the outcome in some way. However, I also hope he may have a chance to embrace some of what they offer if I'm not there for a few days. I'm also worried he'll get upset and go off, (although he usually saves this for me) and lose the chance of getting in here again if he leaves.

What do you think about my not going to work tomorrow, just to get the me part out of the picture? I don't know the procedures for providing clothes or cigs to him, ie through security or what, but I haven't given him other things like money, as I've been warned about. I just feel if I get myself out of the way for an extra day, it may give us both a chance. If he does leave, he can always call me from a pay phone to get his phone. I just don't want him bugging me about it nor to be put in that situation during this time. I know I should just be able to live my life and go on about my business...

I know I have a ways to go in my own recovery and will call some member s of my group as well, if I can reach them tonight. So.....what should I do about work tomorrow?
Please help!

Txhelp

Either way...it's one day. If he stays after Tuesday then you will continue to need to learn how to deal.

Get support for dependency....I mean big-time as this will test you.

Speak to your supervisor and come up with a plan.

Don't engage him in his work there. Let him know.....talk about anything but his recovery for now. Let him know you will shut down and walk away each time. "You should talk to your case manager."

The weather, good memories, family, food....generic conversation is where it should stay.

If you can't do this then perhaps let him know that you can't engage and will be happy to once he's ready to discharge from his completed program.

This is purely how I would handle it and not meant as a step by step manual.

Ann

I worked at a rehab for two years and one day asked about what the procedure would be if my son should show up there. They asked me how I felt about it and I said I would probably be fine although I would be happier if he went to a different one. They said that if the time came it would be my call...and it never happened.

My point is that if he in sincere about rehab and wanting to work the program there, maybe talk to your boss and tell him that you need to keep arm's length from your son, that any one-on-one should be done by someone else, for both your sakes.

Just being open and honest about it will be half the battle. Then you need to just take a deep breath and wrap yourself in your own recovery.

Hugs

vaya

Thank you for your support and words of wisdom. My bosses have basically told me to keep hands off or it will keep him from getting the help he needs, which I do believe. I did go into work and just kept it light when he did approach me. I'm in a bit of conflict about how to do things I'd do if he were anywhere, like give cigarettes, clean clothes....but it will work out.

I will definitely continue to go to groups and work on my own recovery, which I realize is paramount, especially at this time. We've been so fused throughout his addiction and even during his homelessness. Always waking up to calls in the middle of the night, panic attacks, screaming how he lost his wallet, etc....to getting him into shelters so he could at least have a bed...to 2 psych er trips, etc.....what a whirlwind, nightmare, & energy drain it's been. At least I get to rest at night now.

Must admit I'm in a bit of withdrawal myself and a little at a loss of what to do now that things are stabilized for a little bit anyway....no telling what will happen. I must focus on my and my life and recovery....can't continue to live waiting for the shoe to drop and the next panic call.....must use this time to get stronger, pray, read, reach out and REST!

pommie

You are in a tough situation. I know how hard it is to detach. I struggle with it all the time. Prayers for you to have wisdom to know what to do in your situation.

DJ0822

If he finds himself without cigarettes or clean clothes, that's not life or death. Not your problem to fix. He may suffer a bit, but what about the years if suffering you have endured? I know we mommas never stop wanting to make it better for our kids, no matter how old they are, but at some point "just say no ." It won't kill him and may empower you. Success leads to success. For yourself. Try it!