yumbby

Hi all,
I'm reading "Co dependent No More" and taking notes, learning a lot and making changes. But i'm a baby in this. My SO is going to meetings and actually doing quite well so far. This is how I'm being tested and I'm trying to apply the principles I'm learning but so far I'm at a loss how to deal with this.

I'm working much needed temp job (hopefully will turn permanent). Anyway, one of my supervisors is an older gentleman who is a classic codependent enabler. He is taking care of his drug and alcohol addicted son and alzheimers stricken dad. A lot for anyone. But he had a fiancé who broke up with him, in my opinion, in no uncertain terms. He shows me her texts and she makes it very clear that she is done with him. ANYWAY. I'm new here and barely know the guy but he has glommed on to me and many times during the day comes by and tells me that he isn't giving up on her no matter what she says, sends flowers, texts, calls etc.. when she once again tells him NO, he comes to my desk and cries. seriously. says he wishes he would have met me first. Says he wishes she was more like me. I FIND THIS CREEPY.

I am resisting the urge to be overly sympathetic or even give him my full attention. Besides just being out right rude he has put me in an awkward position to say the least. The old me would have become overly invested in his problem, consoled him more, gotten totally wrapped up in it and been flattered by the attention.

Not now. While I can keep my "caretaker urge" down, I simply realize I have no idea what to do now. I just want to quit I feel so uncomfortable. Makes me angry because this is the best job I've had in a long time and I dont' want to quit! He is a boss and I'm a temp. Bad situation

yumbby

I think I should go to my temp company and talk to them but I really don't know how to make it sound like i'm not whining or a complainer. No one likes problems like this. And many times the person making the complaint ends up looking bad. weak or immature..

biminiblue

I would tell the man I would like to keep conversations at work related to work and that it makes me uncomfortable discussing my boss's personal problems.

I would repeat the above as often as necessary.

Ann

I agree with Bim, you can cut him short before he gets into his long story of sadness.

He needs to find his own way and learn his own lessons along the way.

Stick to your job description and your own recovery and hope we moves on soon.

Hugs

legna

I agree that you are in a challenging position. Most of my life I have worked for myself, so the whole office dynamics thing is a strange world to me. What I have found though, is like attracts like. While my particular brand of sickness and dysfunction might look entirely different than yours - if someone gloms onto me, it's a match - or they think it is. Up to me to set them straight...with kindness.

So I turn the conversation to recovery or simply healthy. Never fails to get them running for the hills. i.e.

The direction the conversation can go in at this point is very limited. Few are willing to do the work - and those that don't aren't keen to hang around with people who are. If on the ridiculously chance that he actually is willing to do some self-care, you have done him a great service without it costing you anything. Just direct him to a meeting.

yumbby

I've printed him off information that I found on here and tried to share what I'm learning. But then I had to stop myself. He just wants to cry to someone without changing anything. So I'm rereading my chapter on reacting to other peoples problems. So I'm pretending that I'm just an observer. I am doing my darndest not to give advice, or even real sympathy. Just listen and observe without feeling. Seems foreign and weird to me, especially when he cries, because usually that would set off a storm of over reacting and sympathy and trying to fix him. But i'm trying to be Zen and let it roll off my back like a duck.
Thank you for all the encouragement. I had to make sure I was on the right track.