Ending treatment
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: allentown PA
Posts: 19
Ending treatment
We are asking our 19 year old daughter to leave treatment today. She has one week left on a 5 month stint at CARON Ren in Florida. She has not used drugs but will not work a program. This is her third rehab in 9 months. She has nothing and will be on the streets. (We do not live in Florida but I wouldn't take her home now anyway.) She is so resistant to treatment because, IMO, she does not want treatment. She has told us uncountable times that she is not ready to give up drug use. I am very scared for her life but I feel like we have given her every opportunity. I pray that she uses the tools she has been given to lead a good, clean life. This is like an unending nightmare.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My prayers go out too, Audreyrose, that she uses the tools she has to find a better path.
After all these rehabs she has the tools, all she needs now is the willingness to use them. That may come sooner rather than later if there is nobody there to cushion her fall.
I know how hard it is for a mama to step back, but most times that's the safest and best place for them and for us both.
Hugs
After all these rehabs she has the tools, all she needs now is the willingness to use them. That may come sooner rather than later if there is nobody there to cushion her fall.
I know how hard it is for a mama to step back, but most times that's the safest and best place for them and for us both.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Audreyrose: I have prayed for you, your family, and your beloved daughter. This is the time when you will be "smoking more and enjoying it less." 10 minutes at a time, 5 minutes at a time, 1 minute at a time, Easy Does It, all the slogans of Al-Anon. Footprints in the Sand. Hold on to anything and everything to keep your sanity. Thank God that you have a load of laundry to do because it takes your mind off the problem for a little spit of time.
Keep coming back.
Keep coming back.
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
My parents put me in a rehab when I was that age, too. I left treatment I did what the hell I wanted and finally was ready to get clean and sober at age 38.
I have been sober 5 years now and my relationship with my parents is better than ever. Time takes time. I have a higher power and it's not my parents. I have learned to not form attachments to outcomes. My first rehab "didn't work". Neither did my 2nd, 3rd, or 4th (all interventions against my wishes). I was ready when I was done. I finally made a decision to get sober and never looked back.
I would release your daughter's actions and outcomes and focus on your recovery. Glad you are here.
I have been sober 5 years now and my relationship with my parents is better than ever. Time takes time. I have a higher power and it's not my parents. I have learned to not form attachments to outcomes. My first rehab "didn't work". Neither did my 2nd, 3rd, or 4th (all interventions against my wishes). I was ready when I was done. I finally made a decision to get sober and never looked back.
I would release your daughter's actions and outcomes and focus on your recovery. Glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
What a brave step to take, Audreyrose. I know how hard that is to do, to put them out, but it is the right thing to do in this moment. She knows she is loved, and that you will support her in recovery--you've shown that. Now the situation is in her hands, as it needs to be. My daughter was in rehab for 28 days at 19. She made it 6 months without a relapse. She says she wasn't ready then to really commit. At 21, I hope for a little more, and see some important but subtle changes in her approach this time. Stepping back from her when she's putting her life in danger every day was the most painful thing I have ever endured emotionally, but with this board and my NarAnon group, I am much stronger and have a clearer head about addiction. Keep up with your recovery and you will be in good shape when she's ready for hers. Yes to folding laundry, taking walks, throwing yourself into something you love to do. Peace to all of you.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Audrey...
Well, that's an unequivocal statement. I would not waste another penny on her going forward. Good move pulling her out of there.
She has told us uncountable times that she is not ready to give up drug use.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: allentown PA
Posts: 19
I don't even know what to do with the free floating anxiety right now. I want to go and scoop her up and bring her home (fantasy). This hurts so much. Thank you for your kind and supportive responses. I feel such guilt like maybe I should have kept her in treatment or find another treatment center. If anything happens to her, will I ever be able to forgive myself?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I completely understand how you feel right now, and free-floating anxiety is a great way to describe it. I have also learned the term "future-tripping" in NarAnon, where we imagine all the worst things that might happen. These are our boogeymen to fight, Audreyrose. Yes, she is homeless and has nothing. But she is in a temperate part of the country. She will figure it out or she will call and ask to get back into treatment. She is legally an adult and doesn't have to do anything you might want her to do. One example from a friend in my group: her daughter walked out of treatment just over a month ago. The mom gave her phone back, but nothing else. Her AD has been sleeping on couches, wearing out her welcome everywhere she goes. Yesterday she contacted the treatment center and asked to be readmitted. For this young woman, a month of homelessness was all it took. For my daughter, it was 18 months. We just have no control over their addiction.
Our daughters (and mine did just what yours is doing now by ending or not participating in treatment two years ago, and several times since) have to meet us in the middle. We cannot make them want to be sober. My daughter has told me this, too.
In the absence of control over them, here is what has helped me:
1. I decided to keep her phone on and texted her simple messages like: I love you, I miss you, I hope you are safe tonight, I am here for you when you are ready to work a treatment program, etc. I wrote these texts with great restraint! Not often, not pleading, just straight love and concern.
2. I attend NarAnon meetings regularly and read about addiction, about recovery, etc. to keep myself educated but also for the future, when & if she decided to come back home.
3. When I start to worry, I pray, read inspirational books or take a walk in the park or go to yoga, depending on the time of day. I breathe in calm and breathe out worry.
4. I write down all my worries and let them go for a little while.
5. I focus on what I am grateful for and find beauty in all kinds of ordinary things. My most recent habit has become going to a favorite thrift store and looking at all the discarded treasures--I play a little game with myself, wondering where the object came from, why it was discarded, what decade it was made, etc.
6. Finally, self-care has become essential to my life, not some extra "treat" I give myself. If I am stronger and more centered, I will be more ready to deal with whatever comes my way, from my AD or elsewhere.
I hope you can find some way to reign in the anxiety today. I will be thinking of you.
Our daughters (and mine did just what yours is doing now by ending or not participating in treatment two years ago, and several times since) have to meet us in the middle. We cannot make them want to be sober. My daughter has told me this, too.
In the absence of control over them, here is what has helped me:
1. I decided to keep her phone on and texted her simple messages like: I love you, I miss you, I hope you are safe tonight, I am here for you when you are ready to work a treatment program, etc. I wrote these texts with great restraint! Not often, not pleading, just straight love and concern.
2. I attend NarAnon meetings regularly and read about addiction, about recovery, etc. to keep myself educated but also for the future, when & if she decided to come back home.
3. When I start to worry, I pray, read inspirational books or take a walk in the park or go to yoga, depending on the time of day. I breathe in calm and breathe out worry.
4. I write down all my worries and let them go for a little while.
5. I focus on what I am grateful for and find beauty in all kinds of ordinary things. My most recent habit has become going to a favorite thrift store and looking at all the discarded treasures--I play a little game with myself, wondering where the object came from, why it was discarded, what decade it was made, etc.
6. Finally, self-care has become essential to my life, not some extra "treat" I give myself. If I am stronger and more centered, I will be more ready to deal with whatever comes my way, from my AD or elsewhere.
I hope you can find some way to reign in the anxiety today. I will be thinking of you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: allentown PA
Posts: 19
Gardenmom, I cannot tell you how much your post has helped me. I am forwarding this to my husband. One of the most painful feelings in all of this is the feeling of being all alone in this misery. Thank you for reminding me that there are many others fighting this battle and I can learn so much from all of you. Thank you for grasping my hand as I reach out for help.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
If anything happens to her, will I ever be able to forgive myself?
You can't think like this. While your daughter is only 19, she is old enough to decide which path she takes. She has told you time and time again she is not willing at this time to quit using. You cannot save her from herself. The only thing you can do is take care of you. And that means giving your daughter over to a Higher Power of your choosing.
Keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear AudreyRose,
For me, just knowing that there were other mommas out there going thru and feeling the same broken heart pain that I was, comforted me. The support the mommas (& dads) gave and continue to give me, makes me feel stronger and not so alone.
My 20yr old daughter is sober but now suffers from the mental illnesses that emerged after the haze of heroin lifted. I don't know what is worse...the pain I felt watching her helplessly, be high and a stranger or her fighting so hard to be sober and crushed by mental illnesses? Dual diagnosis. She takes her meds but I see the desperation in her eyes, to be free from the chains of bipolar, depression, cutting, eating disorders and others I'm not sure what they call them. Might be time for a tune-up before a relapse....
Some days..she returns to me, we sit together and smile and talk about the lost years or go out to eat or for a walk, like the old days. Mom and daughter. I treasure these moments but I don't live for them anymore. It's like Christmas when they happen.
Easier said than done AudreyRose, but detaching with love and keeping yourself busy, NOT constantly thinking about the "what ifs" helped me find some peace.
And that's just ONE of my addicted children, I also have an older RAD. That's a whole different story, same disease same pain.
I will also be thinking and praying for you. Today, try to breathe and do something special just for YOU!
Hugs, gentle warm hugs
TF
For me, just knowing that there were other mommas out there going thru and feeling the same broken heart pain that I was, comforted me. The support the mommas (& dads) gave and continue to give me, makes me feel stronger and not so alone.
My 20yr old daughter is sober but now suffers from the mental illnesses that emerged after the haze of heroin lifted. I don't know what is worse...the pain I felt watching her helplessly, be high and a stranger or her fighting so hard to be sober and crushed by mental illnesses? Dual diagnosis. She takes her meds but I see the desperation in her eyes, to be free from the chains of bipolar, depression, cutting, eating disorders and others I'm not sure what they call them. Might be time for a tune-up before a relapse....
Some days..she returns to me, we sit together and smile and talk about the lost years or go out to eat or for a walk, like the old days. Mom and daughter. I treasure these moments but I don't live for them anymore. It's like Christmas when they happen.
Easier said than done AudreyRose, but detaching with love and keeping yourself busy, NOT constantly thinking about the "what ifs" helped me find some peace.
And that's just ONE of my addicted children, I also have an older RAD. That's a whole different story, same disease same pain.
I will also be thinking and praying for you. Today, try to breathe and do something special just for YOU!
Hugs, gentle warm hugs
TF
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dearest AudreyRose, I just want to send a hug and prayers to you and your family. Addiction tears at us Momma's to the core. All I can say is that you have to allow yourself the painand go through it, but at the other side, you CAN find peace. When our son first came forward with his heroin addiction, he was only 20. I was a basket case and of course tried to control everything and anything (I did not understand or accept that he is a grown man!). Its been 4 long years and I still struggle to keep out of his business. Keep sharing and posting. SR provides a safe haven for all.
Hugs
Teresa
Hugs
Teresa
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