Texts from rehab?

Old 09-11-2014, 12:24 PM
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Texts from rehab?

I was wondering if anyone's x or current partner in an inpatient treatment facility had had access to cell phones? I got a 12:10am text from my x saying "hi." I woke up in the middle of the night and saw it and responded, "is this X?" at 3:53am. at 6:45am I got "Yup" back. So then I wrote "You can have phones in there?" at 8:22am. I know the times aren't necessarily significant, but it makes me wonder if he's snuck the phone in.

As far as I know, his phone was left at his sisters, so that's why I questioned who it was. Maybe he just paid for the number and got a cheap phone. I know It's not my business whether he's breaking the rules, but I'm not certain he is. His sister and I were the only two initially able to see him. I can't imagine he would he allowed to have access to a cell phone (especially a smart phone) in rehab. He hasn't even hit day 60/90 yet.

Last I heard from him, I got a long message about cutting me out of his life because I don't support him (actually I don't support his new "girlfriend" who he apparently openly admitted to a sister to only be using (money, cigarettes)) so once I stopped playing his game--wouldn't bring cigarettes and ignored phone called--he said he didn't want anything to do with me. And he pulled my ROO and visitations. That was Aug. 31. It hasn't even been two weeks and he's texting me. I only believed him about 65% he was done with me.


I guess I'm not sure what to do. He hasn't responded to me asking that he can have a phone but again if he's sneaking it in, he probably hasn't had a chance to respond. I still can't reject the idea of us being together someday, but that's if he works his recovery and gets clean and sober (and I do my part--started alanon but it has been sporadic). And I think I would be involved with family and friends day. But I feel like I should stay away while he is in treatment unless it's supervised (with a counselor) but at the same time he gets passes to be with his family and reintegrate. Ugh I'm so confused.

Should I continue to text? Ignore it? Ask to visit him in person if he wants to talk rather than text? Even bring up the fact that last I heard from him he said he wanted nothing todo with me so why is he texting at all?
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Old 09-11-2014, 12:28 PM
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He either:

a) snuck in a phone, or purchased a "pay as you go" phone during a walk or scheduled activity outside of the center, and is likely going to get kicked out, because patients ALWAYS get caught and/or rat on eachother for this type of behavior.

b) got kicked out or left voluntarily.

No inpatient rehab allows cell phones. (Unless he's in some type of "extended care" program, which is a different story.)

Experience: 3 inpatient rehabs myself.
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Old 09-11-2014, 12:30 PM
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What is extended care rehab?
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Old 09-11-2014, 12:37 PM
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Why not just go no contact right now? He is breaking the rules having a phone and texting in the middle of the night...I guarantee it, so isn't dedicated to his recovery or he would mind the rules. If he isn't willing to do what he needs to do to find and keep recovery, he will end up in the revolving door or recovery/relapse, just like my son did.

This might be a good time for you to work on your own recovery, taking time to find your balance and decide what attracts you to a person who actively uses drugs and cheats on you. You are worth so much better than that.

Good luck.

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Old 09-11-2014, 12:39 PM
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I guess I'm not sure what to do.
Time for some tough love (sorry, in that mode this week).

You know exactly what you should do. You just don't want to do it.

You have enough evidence to make an informed decision, but you're not allowing your mind to know what it knows. And what does your mind know? That he is, as we've discussed, a liar, a cheater, and a manipulator.

Why do you want anyone in your life who lies to you, cheats on you, and tries to manipulate you? What's in it for you? You love him. So what? He's not capable of absorbing that love. Why don't you love yourself? He mistreats you without remorse because he knows he can get away with it without paying a price.

Ultimately, you're going to make your own decisions, for better or for worse. But what I will tell you is it is a certainty that if you allow him to have anything to do with your life, he will continue to hurt you. Frankly, I don't want to see that, especially when you have a say in all of this.

Remember: just because you love someone doesn't mean they should in your life.

And just because it hurts to do something hard -- i.e. get rid of someone -- doesn't mean you shouldn't do it if it's the right thing.
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Old 09-11-2014, 01:04 PM
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Yikes I just typed a response but my phone switched pages on me and it got deleted.

Thanks, everyone.

I've removed his personal ringtone and text tone. (I still jump when I hear other phones make "his" text tone) so I don't run for my phone it if comes through.

I've mentioned this in earlier posts: my dad is a RA and he and my mom have been married for almost 35 years. Much longer sober than active. I think it's colored my world into believing people recover and work through it.

However, I do acknowledge that it takes two, each done his/her own work.

If he can't work his program and stay clean and sober, he doesn't get the be with me.

That's hard. Ugh.

I was laughing at myself yesterday. I wanted to call his phone to see if it worked and talked myself out of it. Guess it does work cause he texted a few hours later. That was my trying to gather info and manage things that aren't my business. And like I said earlier, it's not een two weeks. It feels like forever since I've talked to him. Well it's been almost three weeks since I talked to him, but almost two since he left that voicemail. What is two weeks? Nothing, really, when you think about it. It's the immediate that I need to work on. I jump when people say to rather than sit and process.
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Old 09-11-2014, 01:06 PM
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why is anyone checking their phone in the middle of the night??? i just don't get that.

as it is you received exactly TWO WORDS via text and you aren't even sure who they are from. a total of FIVE letters all together and whoop there you go again reading things into it all that just are not there.

it could have been any random someone who texted you.

if it was your EX - he's either out of rehab and f'd up or bored with absolutely nothing else to do then pirate a phone and text people in the middle of the night.
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Old 09-11-2014, 01:09 PM
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It seems like you're hanging a lot of hope on a recovery attempt that he is not taking seriously. Instead of doing hard work to recover he is busy with his contraband phone pulling your puppet strings so he has someone else to bring him cigarettes and treats at rehab.
He is your ex. Your only tie to him is the fantasy relationship that you wish you could have with the man you hope he will become.
Keep taking care of you, keep up the Alanon meetings and be good to yourself. Contact with this guy= manipulation and pain. You deserve much better than you're trying to settle for with this guy.
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Old 09-11-2014, 01:17 PM
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Yep. Two words and they could have been from anyone using that number. Two months ago I would have been up all night sand sending more than a few words back.

This is why SR is good - it's a BS detector!
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Old 09-11-2014, 01:29 PM
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you know how to block numbers on your phone? or at least not sleep with the damn thing??? LOL seriously, turn it off or put it in your purse in another room - unless you're a dad and your wife might go into labor at any second, or you are on a transplant list and need to take that call when they get your new kidney, there is NO reason to have the smartphone on and near you while SLEEPING. imho of course.
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Old 09-11-2014, 01:36 PM
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I keep it on do not disturb now. I've had the flu the past week and haven't been sleeping well AT ALL and woke up in the middle of the night (around 3:53am ha) and checked the time. My alarm clock is too bright and I can't wear my watch as a hairdresser (catches shampoo and products in the band--yuck). But I started switching it to do not disturb and now only people likely to call me in an emergency go through. And x is not on that list anymore. Other than that, texts, emails, and all other notifications are silenced without vibration and without lighting up the screen. Best thing ever!!

I hate whe you respond, Anvil, because I think you're my super ego.
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Old 09-11-2014, 01:37 PM
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And funnily enough my family just went through a transplant in the last month! Yes, you need your phone on for those!
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Old 09-11-2014, 02:18 PM
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Whether this rehab facility allows personal cell phones or not really shouldn't be a mystery. Just call them up and ask what is allowed in terms of outside contact.
And even if they do allow them (a very few actually do), there are almost always very strict rules about their use. What you've described is rarely appropriate behavior.
So, either way, this person is probably not taking his recovery seriously yet and any unapproved communication from you is not going to be helpful with his treatment.
I realize that avoiding personal contact with a loved one is one of the most difficult aspects of supporting an addict who is in-patient at a rehab facility. The professionals there deal with this issue often and they will typically provide the best advise along the way about how to manage it.
What you are experiencing is yet another example of how a substance abuse problem can negatively affect people other than just the addict himself.
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Old 09-11-2014, 02:54 PM
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Originally Posted by auroraxborealis View Post
Yikes I just typed a response but my phone switched pages on me and it got deleted.

Thanks, everyone.

I've removed his personal ringtone and text tone. (I still jump when I hear other phones make "his" text tone) so I don't run for my phone it if comes through.

I've mentioned this in earlier posts: my dad is a RA and he and my mom have been married for almost 35 years. Much longer sober than active. I think it's colored my world into believing people recover and work through it.

However, I do acknowledge that it takes two, each done his/her own work.

If he can't work his program and stay clean and sober, he doesn't get the be with me.

That's hard. Ugh.

I was laughing at myself yesterday. I wanted to call his phone to see if it worked and talked myself out of it. Guess it does work cause he texted a few hours later. That was my trying to gather info and manage things that aren't my business. And like I said earlier, it's not een two weeks. It feels like forever since I've talked to him. Well it's been almost three weeks since I talked to him, but almost two since he left that voicemail. What is two weeks? Nothing, really, when you think about it. It's the immediate that I need to work on. I jump when people say to rather than sit and process.
people do recover and work through it you should never turn your back on someone who is trying to recover, however it seems like your partner isnt really trying to recover, but this is based only on what you have posted of course and your suspicions on his phone use

its clear you love this person and you will do anything to avoid that hurt like anyone else would if they were in your shoes
its so easy for people who are either in a relationship or out of one and have some clarity of mind to simply get hard on those who are stuck in that mind set
but if he isnt being honest with you then you have to face it, anyone in recovery who is trying to change will not lie or hide or cheat anything away from loved ones

so you have to make your own mind up is he lying ? if he is what are you going to do about it ?
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Old 09-11-2014, 04:52 PM
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Originally Posted by auroraxborealis View Post

I hate whe you respond, Anvil, because I think you're my super ego.
She's been around the block a few times and I love how she just tells it like it is...and glad you appreciate the straight shooting solid advice.

I don't agree with ratting this out to the rehab, that's stepping into what's not yours to control. They are pretty sharp at rehabs and know the tricks and hiding places and soon enough he will get himself thrown out if he doesn't humble himself to following the rules. You don't need to be involved in that, his bad choice = his consequemce.

That said, if asked I would not lie either. I just wouldn't go out of my way with this since you have decided no contact is a good way to go.

Good luck, I think you will be fine...you listen well.

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