Hello, new here, long story
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 56
Hello, new here, long story
Hi, I have been reading on the site for a couple weeks now and found it really helpful. This is my story, hope it's not too long! I left my husband of 20 years in April of this year. We have three teenagers and have, over the past 2 years, lost everything. We went from having a successful business, a nice home in the hills, a good life, I thought, to having nothing. I was a stay at home mom, although we all worked together in our business. My husband had become very respected in our little town, and things weren't perfect, but they were going pretty well.
About that time I started to get sick with an autoimmune disorder, it was hard on both of us, and then my husband's grandfather, who raised him, died. My brother, who had been a user as well, came to live with us for awhile. H had been clean for over ten years, but I guess this all was too much. I don't know exactly when, or what was the catalyst, but he started using. I think he hid it pretty well for awhile, I was pretty ill, and trying to keep up with the kids, and life, also, I just didn't want to see it. Eventually, things got really bad, and I couldn't ignore it any more. All our money had been tied into the business, he couldn't keep it going anymore. He was trying to find money for his habit and hide it from me. Needless to say, we lost everything. I had gone on a short trip with my mom and sister and things completely fell apart while I was gone. My kids cared for their father, instead of the other way around. It was like he completely stopped trying to hold it together without me there. I never would have left if I'd known. I wish I had been paying more attention, before it was too late. I wish I could have found a way to get him help then. The last time this had happened we worked together, and moved far away. A new start. It worked, that time, for over 10 years, so we tried it again.
It didn't work this time. Over the next year things started to get bad again. The lies, staying out late, him trying to find money I didn't know about. It got a little better for awhile when he found an AA group, but we ended up having to move again when he lost his job. There were accusations of theft. I felt so afraid all the time, and the kids were caught up with us in this crazy journey. I tried to keep things calm and happy for them, but they hadn't wanted to move the first time, and now we had to do it again. They are old enough to understand what was going on, and my youngest had found one of the pipes H had hidden in our car.
From then on things just kept getting worse. He lied about where he was and what he was doing. One night he cleaned out our checking account, over 600.00 we needed for bills. He admitted that night, when he finally got home, without the car, it had a flat, or his coat, he lost it somewhere, ( it was about 10 degrees that night) that he was slipping again and had used a little coke. He would come home late, all bruised up, and say he fell while he was working. Lie after lie. I started to go a little crazy at that point. You know the drill, trying to prove that they're lying, looking through everything, showing them the proof, which they always have a reason for.... He was such a mess. Having flashbacks of some very traumatic things he had gone though as a teen, not sleeping, nightmares when he did. But I was becoming a mess too, and we had children to think of. He also started to get mean, just in the things he said. I had never really challenged all the lies before, and he didn't like it. He was never abusive, but we were fighting a lot. I laid awake many nights waiting for a phone call telling me he was dead or in jail. Things felt that bad. When he was home he slept on the couch and wanted us all with him. It was exhausting. I couldn't do it anymore, and neither could the kids. I called my parents and finally let them in on some of what was going on. It felt like we were on the Titanic and he wouldn't get off, so I had to save who I could. We left.
So, we've been living with my parents for the last six months. I found a great doctor here, and they've changed my medicine so I'm functioning much better. I found a full time job, I'm not making much yet, but I'm trying. I'm looking at going back to school. We're doing ok, although its not easy.
H was fired again. He stayed three months there without us. Said he was doing counseling, but would never agree to show any proof. He ended up getting evicted and was living in a one room cabin with no water. He was doing odd jobs for someone he knew. The things we had left there are gone. He was arrested for involment in a theft and is facing felony charges. He now is living in the same state we are again. He swears he's not using but won't do any counseling or groups. He is very angry at me for everything. I left him when he needed me and I should admit that I am 50% to blame for our problems.
This all being said, he has started a new business. He is very, very smart, and before this was always very kind. He often helped people, sometimes to the point I was frustraited, he always gave so much to others, and sometimes we suffered for it. We have been best friends since highschool. We were the couple that stayed friends, we still held hands, we cuddled together every night. I miss him so much. Not the person he is now, the man I knew had so much more integrity. I look at the past few years in shock. It was like a slow trickle of dirty water that became a tidal wave and swept him away. He says he did all this because he hated his life, now he's happy so he has no need for drugs. He's drinking, but just like one beer. I just want to cry. He originally said he was coming here to rebuild. I know it sounds stupid, but I went to all the counseling classes, and I really hoped he'd come here and do them with me.
Yesterday, I was done. I took off my ring. I told him not to call anymore. Only text me when we needed to talk about the kids. I was sick of his anger and wouldn't listen anymore. Today, he came to pick up our oldest and asked if I'd come out and talk for a few minutes. It was my H out there. Gentle, kind, funny. I know that sounds pathetic. We talked about some issues with the kids, and finances, nothing major, but we didn't fight, for once. There were no promises, just a normal conversation. I know he is quite possibly manipulating me. This arrangement works well for him. Me, hanging on and hoping. He gets to be dad when he wants to, and he's just starting his new business, so he's broke, but he'll get me some money as soon as he can.... When I've had enough, he backs off. I see all this, I'm not stupid either. I just loved him for so long, and we were really happy. I used to look at my friends marriages and feel so lucky. How did we get here? What happened to the man I loved, and will he ever really come back?
I'm staying busy, getting some new hobbies, talking to friends, and being a good mom. I don't call him anymore, he has to choose. I'll be ok, however this turns out. I'm just so sad. Sorry this is so long!! Thank you for listening.
About that time I started to get sick with an autoimmune disorder, it was hard on both of us, and then my husband's grandfather, who raised him, died. My brother, who had been a user as well, came to live with us for awhile. H had been clean for over ten years, but I guess this all was too much. I don't know exactly when, or what was the catalyst, but he started using. I think he hid it pretty well for awhile, I was pretty ill, and trying to keep up with the kids, and life, also, I just didn't want to see it. Eventually, things got really bad, and I couldn't ignore it any more. All our money had been tied into the business, he couldn't keep it going anymore. He was trying to find money for his habit and hide it from me. Needless to say, we lost everything. I had gone on a short trip with my mom and sister and things completely fell apart while I was gone. My kids cared for their father, instead of the other way around. It was like he completely stopped trying to hold it together without me there. I never would have left if I'd known. I wish I had been paying more attention, before it was too late. I wish I could have found a way to get him help then. The last time this had happened we worked together, and moved far away. A new start. It worked, that time, for over 10 years, so we tried it again.
It didn't work this time. Over the next year things started to get bad again. The lies, staying out late, him trying to find money I didn't know about. It got a little better for awhile when he found an AA group, but we ended up having to move again when he lost his job. There were accusations of theft. I felt so afraid all the time, and the kids were caught up with us in this crazy journey. I tried to keep things calm and happy for them, but they hadn't wanted to move the first time, and now we had to do it again. They are old enough to understand what was going on, and my youngest had found one of the pipes H had hidden in our car.
From then on things just kept getting worse. He lied about where he was and what he was doing. One night he cleaned out our checking account, over 600.00 we needed for bills. He admitted that night, when he finally got home, without the car, it had a flat, or his coat, he lost it somewhere, ( it was about 10 degrees that night) that he was slipping again and had used a little coke. He would come home late, all bruised up, and say he fell while he was working. Lie after lie. I started to go a little crazy at that point. You know the drill, trying to prove that they're lying, looking through everything, showing them the proof, which they always have a reason for.... He was such a mess. Having flashbacks of some very traumatic things he had gone though as a teen, not sleeping, nightmares when he did. But I was becoming a mess too, and we had children to think of. He also started to get mean, just in the things he said. I had never really challenged all the lies before, and he didn't like it. He was never abusive, but we were fighting a lot. I laid awake many nights waiting for a phone call telling me he was dead or in jail. Things felt that bad. When he was home he slept on the couch and wanted us all with him. It was exhausting. I couldn't do it anymore, and neither could the kids. I called my parents and finally let them in on some of what was going on. It felt like we were on the Titanic and he wouldn't get off, so I had to save who I could. We left.
So, we've been living with my parents for the last six months. I found a great doctor here, and they've changed my medicine so I'm functioning much better. I found a full time job, I'm not making much yet, but I'm trying. I'm looking at going back to school. We're doing ok, although its not easy.
H was fired again. He stayed three months there without us. Said he was doing counseling, but would never agree to show any proof. He ended up getting evicted and was living in a one room cabin with no water. He was doing odd jobs for someone he knew. The things we had left there are gone. He was arrested for involment in a theft and is facing felony charges. He now is living in the same state we are again. He swears he's not using but won't do any counseling or groups. He is very angry at me for everything. I left him when he needed me and I should admit that I am 50% to blame for our problems.
This all being said, he has started a new business. He is very, very smart, and before this was always very kind. He often helped people, sometimes to the point I was frustraited, he always gave so much to others, and sometimes we suffered for it. We have been best friends since highschool. We were the couple that stayed friends, we still held hands, we cuddled together every night. I miss him so much. Not the person he is now, the man I knew had so much more integrity. I look at the past few years in shock. It was like a slow trickle of dirty water that became a tidal wave and swept him away. He says he did all this because he hated his life, now he's happy so he has no need for drugs. He's drinking, but just like one beer. I just want to cry. He originally said he was coming here to rebuild. I know it sounds stupid, but I went to all the counseling classes, and I really hoped he'd come here and do them with me.
Yesterday, I was done. I took off my ring. I told him not to call anymore. Only text me when we needed to talk about the kids. I was sick of his anger and wouldn't listen anymore. Today, he came to pick up our oldest and asked if I'd come out and talk for a few minutes. It was my H out there. Gentle, kind, funny. I know that sounds pathetic. We talked about some issues with the kids, and finances, nothing major, but we didn't fight, for once. There were no promises, just a normal conversation. I know he is quite possibly manipulating me. This arrangement works well for him. Me, hanging on and hoping. He gets to be dad when he wants to, and he's just starting his new business, so he's broke, but he'll get me some money as soon as he can.... When I've had enough, he backs off. I see all this, I'm not stupid either. I just loved him for so long, and we were really happy. I used to look at my friends marriages and feel so lucky. How did we get here? What happened to the man I loved, and will he ever really come back?
I'm staying busy, getting some new hobbies, talking to friends, and being a good mom. I don't call him anymore, he has to choose. I'll be ok, however this turns out. I'm just so sad. Sorry this is so long!! Thank you for listening.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Calmwater, it sounds like you have been through some tough and sad times and my heart and prayers go out for you and your family.
I know how it breaks our hearts to see the person we love self-destruct and I really do hope he finds help and sobriety soon.
In the meantime you are doing what is best for you and your children...that's a good thing especially for them.
Take a read around, especially the sticky posts at the top and you will find a lot of helpful information.
I'm glad you found is, you are among friends here who truly understand.
Hugs
I know how it breaks our hearts to see the person we love self-destruct and I really do hope he finds help and sobriety soon.
In the meantime you are doing what is best for you and your children...that's a good thing especially for them.
Take a read around, especially the sticky posts at the top and you will find a lot of helpful information.
I'm glad you found is, you are among friends here who truly understand.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
Hi Calmwater,
I find myself reading your post over and over. I just keep thinking, "my God, this woman is SO strong." I compare my present circumstances to yours and I think, "she put 20 years in with this man, three kids, 10 years clean, and is doing what is best for HER;" there is SUCH strength in that. Reading your post brings a sadness to me but also instills a bit of hope for the strength I am digging to find within myself to hold my ground and keep moving forward without the A.
I am so very sorry for what you are feeling right now and the circumstances that have brought you to this forum. Please know that you are not alone and that your actions are going to resonate to people like me who need to read stories like yours. Thank you for sharing. God bless.
I find myself reading your post over and over. I just keep thinking, "my God, this woman is SO strong." I compare my present circumstances to yours and I think, "she put 20 years in with this man, three kids, 10 years clean, and is doing what is best for HER;" there is SUCH strength in that. Reading your post brings a sadness to me but also instills a bit of hope for the strength I am digging to find within myself to hold my ground and keep moving forward without the A.
I am so very sorry for what you are feeling right now and the circumstances that have brought you to this forum. Please know that you are not alone and that your actions are going to resonate to people like me who need to read stories like yours. Thank you for sharing. God bless.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Calmwater,
Welcome to the Board. You've come to a really, really good place, any my hope is that we'll be able to support you doing what is clearly a difficult time for you. You've been through hell, after all.
Unfortunately, from what you have described, your AH is not in a place where he can get honest with himself about his addictions. And without that honesty, recovery simply isn't possible. For him. It is possible, however, for you.
You made the right call by getting yourself and your kids out of there. Given your health issues, you certainly don't need the stress of dealing with an addict on top of trying to get your health back.
I encourage you to keep reading as many posts as you can and to reach out to those who have been where you are. Keep your mind and eyes open. There will come a time when you will have to make some difficult decisions, and before you make those decisions, you'll need to know exactly what you're up against.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
Welcome to the Board. You've come to a really, really good place, any my hope is that we'll be able to support you doing what is clearly a difficult time for you. You've been through hell, after all.
Unfortunately, from what you have described, your AH is not in a place where he can get honest with himself about his addictions. And without that honesty, recovery simply isn't possible. For him. It is possible, however, for you.
You made the right call by getting yourself and your kids out of there. Given your health issues, you certainly don't need the stress of dealing with an addict on top of trying to get your health back.
I encourage you to keep reading as many posts as you can and to reach out to those who have been where you are. Keep your mind and eyes open. There will come a time when you will have to make some difficult decisions, and before you make those decisions, you'll need to know exactly what you're up against.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 56
Thank you all so much. It feels so good to talk to people who have been in similar situations and can understand how hard it really is. I know I will have to make some definite choices soon. I can't live with the person he wants to be right now and it breaks my heart. He's not ready to make the changes he would need to, to maintain sobriety.
Yogagurl, thank you. I'm trying so hard to be strong, honestly, I'm really afraid a lot. Starting over is so hard. I think the trick is to just keep moving. You can't stop and think too much or you freeze at the enormity of it all. The what ifs... What if I walk away and then he gets better and I've lost him, what if I'm all alone for the rest of my life, what if he gets hurt... I try to do one thing a day to make things better, even if it's something really small. It helps keep things manageable, and keep the panic at bay! I'm really glad my story could help you, I read your words over too, and they helped me feel a bit better today. All of your kind words did, thank you Zoso and Ann.
AH called last night, to talk about our oldest, he just turned 18, and now wants to move back to where he grew up. He wants to move in with his girlfriend. It's thousands of miles away from where we are now. He's a very young 18, and I worry. I have some very good friends there, and it is his life. I wouldn't try to stop him, but it feels like my family is crumbling away. It's all so overwhelming sometimes. It hurts to talk to AH because there's this sense of false closeness to it. We know each other so well, but things aren't the same. It does help to come here though.
Yogagurl, thank you. I'm trying so hard to be strong, honestly, I'm really afraid a lot. Starting over is so hard. I think the trick is to just keep moving. You can't stop and think too much or you freeze at the enormity of it all. The what ifs... What if I walk away and then he gets better and I've lost him, what if I'm all alone for the rest of my life, what if he gets hurt... I try to do one thing a day to make things better, even if it's something really small. It helps keep things manageable, and keep the panic at bay! I'm really glad my story could help you, I read your words over too, and they helped me feel a bit better today. All of your kind words did, thank you Zoso and Ann.
AH called last night, to talk about our oldest, he just turned 18, and now wants to move back to where he grew up. He wants to move in with his girlfriend. It's thousands of miles away from where we are now. He's a very young 18, and I worry. I have some very good friends there, and it is his life. I wouldn't try to stop him, but it feels like my family is crumbling away. It's all so overwhelming sometimes. It hurts to talk to AH because there's this sense of false closeness to it. We know each other so well, but things aren't the same. It does help to come here though.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Hi Calmwater.
I am glad you found us here. I am sorry for what brings you here, though.
You will find good support and understanding here.
I really think its great that each day you do at least one positive thing. Your children are blessed to have such a wise mom.
I hope things work out for the best. Just trust yourself. Your head seems to be in the right place, even it at times it all seems overwhelming.
welcome to SR. Its a great bunch of folks from all sides of the issues of addiction.
keep posting and thank you for sharing.
hugs
chicory
I am glad you found us here. I am sorry for what brings you here, though.
You will find good support and understanding here.
I really think its great that each day you do at least one positive thing. Your children are blessed to have such a wise mom.
I hope things work out for the best. Just trust yourself. Your head seems to be in the right place, even it at times it all seems overwhelming.
welcome to SR. Its a great bunch of folks from all sides of the issues of addiction.
keep posting and thank you for sharing.
hugs
chicory
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 25
You are incredibly strong. I can't even imagine the disappointment you must feel.
Please take care of yourself. You need some peace and attention after everything you have been through and are still dealing with.
Please take care of yourself. You need some peace and attention after everything you have been through and are still dealing with.
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