Avoiding getting sucked back in (adult son)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: East Coast
Posts: 83
Avoiding getting sucked back in (adult son)
Hi,
Last week son left rehab against medical advice and after nine days.
He told counselor and I it was his life and he'd do what he wanted. He contacted me immediately and I told him I wanted some space. During the past week he's found the means to get back to the area where I live (which he considers "home" as he's lived her off and on for 4ish years). He has no "home" and I will not let him come to my house due to his drug use.
Sat he txted me "hi mom." I ignored. Sun I get the tx "I have a job and start Mon at 7 am." I replied that I was glad. Then I get the txt "Do you have time to meet later and eat?"
I'm sure he's hungry, dirty, and living outside....well not certain, but I'd bet a lot of money on it.
I finally txt hime and said. "No I want space for now. Later when you've been clean for a while, I will be able to meet, but not right now."
He accepted that. But I'm pretty sure it will only be for a week, or so.
Do I ignore him? I really don't want to see or speak with him. The conversation is bound to be about his hunger, ill fitting shoes, lack of toothbrush....and on and on. I just don't feel like I can be civil with him. I'm so angry at him for leaving detox and rehab. I'm angry that he wants to do it on his own, but expect his father and I to join in the pity party about his life choices.
At this point, I can't even figure out what to say except I want space. The space gives me time to process and so far has avoided the handout.
He has claimed to want a relationship with me and his siblings but he doesnt know how to have one anymore except to lie, steal and manipulate.
Any ideas of how to have a "relationship" or with responses to keep him at a distance right now are greatly appreciated.
qwer
Last week son left rehab against medical advice and after nine days.
He told counselor and I it was his life and he'd do what he wanted. He contacted me immediately and I told him I wanted some space. During the past week he's found the means to get back to the area where I live (which he considers "home" as he's lived her off and on for 4ish years). He has no "home" and I will not let him come to my house due to his drug use.
Sat he txted me "hi mom." I ignored. Sun I get the tx "I have a job and start Mon at 7 am." I replied that I was glad. Then I get the txt "Do you have time to meet later and eat?"
I'm sure he's hungry, dirty, and living outside....well not certain, but I'd bet a lot of money on it.
I finally txt hime and said. "No I want space for now. Later when you've been clean for a while, I will be able to meet, but not right now."
He accepted that. But I'm pretty sure it will only be for a week, or so.
Do I ignore him? I really don't want to see or speak with him. The conversation is bound to be about his hunger, ill fitting shoes, lack of toothbrush....and on and on. I just don't feel like I can be civil with him. I'm so angry at him for leaving detox and rehab. I'm angry that he wants to do it on his own, but expect his father and I to join in the pity party about his life choices.
At this point, I can't even figure out what to say except I want space. The space gives me time to process and so far has avoided the handout.
He has claimed to want a relationship with me and his siblings but he doesnt know how to have one anymore except to lie, steal and manipulate.
Any ideas of how to have a "relationship" or with responses to keep him at a distance right now are greatly appreciated.
qwer
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You get to chose when and if you see him and where.
When my son was not allowed in our home, I sometimes met him for lunch and in the winter, I sometimes gave him gloves and a hat..but I only did it when I felt it was a good thing to do.
He had choices, he still does. "We" are not the solution, maybe knowing that he will turn to the people who are. The Salvation Army rehab is free, NA meetings
are free, if he is starting a job then he can learn to take care of himself.
Do what you feel is right and don't let guilt guide you.
Hugs
When my son was not allowed in our home, I sometimes met him for lunch and in the winter, I sometimes gave him gloves and a hat..but I only did it when I felt it was a good thing to do.
He had choices, he still does. "We" are not the solution, maybe knowing that he will turn to the people who are. The Salvation Army rehab is free, NA meetings
are free, if he is starting a job then he can learn to take care of himself.
Do what you feel is right and don't let guilt guide you.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
I agree with Ann. I have also had the phone call from rehab and then the calls/texts. I understand so very much. I so wanted to believe that he was sober at times. He wasn't and now I know how I was manipulated.
My son is in the Salvation Army now and is doing very well. However, when I dropped him off...I said I will not pick him up early and don't call me if you leave early. I knew that I couldn't go through another rehab incident (as this was his 2nd go around).
He left early from the first rehab...last summer and they accepted him back. He got out as scheduled and quickly used.
My son is in the Salvation Army now and is doing very well. However, when I dropped him off...I said I will not pick him up early and don't call me if you leave early. I knew that I couldn't go through another rehab incident (as this was his 2nd go around).
He left early from the first rehab...last summer and they accepted him back. He got out as scheduled and quickly used.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 39
This sounds like my daughter's boyfriend. He causes all kinds of problems, gets himself into all kinds of hot water and then high tails it for the rehab/detox. When it's time for him to come out, he starts double tagging my daughter and I both begging to be allowed to come back to my house (his mom is dead and he has no job, no license and no car all his foolishness of course). He ALWAYS fails and goes right back to the drugs. He loves them more than anything or anyone. That's what you're fighting. The strongest love affair.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Exton pa
Posts: 153
Boy do you sound like me qwer - not only do you need space you need to take care of yourself - they lie steal cheat and hurt us and then they make us feel bad for claiming time for ourselves. Stay the course and listen to the folks here at SR. I'm not doing grest but I'm at least getting better day in day out..... Prayers with you
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
My AS has been in and out of rehab, jail, rehab, etc. I let him stay with me over the last 4+ years thru it all based on false hope I could save him and due to guilt, since I hadn't seen him for about 41/2 years when he stayed with his dad and I went thru hard times. A few months ago his behavior got him ordered off the property where I was living by police, and then I had to move w/in 30 days to avoid eviction proceedings because of him. He was drowning and pulling me down. Since then I've helped him with hotels and more, giving him every opportunity to pull it together, but he just went down further. He's had 2 more arrests recently and 2 psych er stays. got out of 1 today begged me to get him. He could have gone right into rehab today if he'd give up his General Relief money and turn it around....but he chose only to chase the proverbial dragon. I waited with him for a while, got him a few sundries and gave him money and told him this was it. I really couldn't bail him out anymore. He knows where help is and what to do to get it. After finding out he could have gotten a bed in rehab just like that....really did something to me. I have lost my previous home, spent tons of money helping him with methadone, supplies, cigs, detox, etc. Breaks my heart that he's homeless and still hasn't come to his senses....but, no I must think of all I've suffered as a result of his behavior and my choosing to enable and help....and it is sobering. You do have a right to your space. You can let him know you are working your program right now and have to take care of you. You may want to let him know you have confidence that he'll make the right choices and will figure out what to do....Do not feel guilty. The love affair our addicts have with drugs is insipient and knows no limits. Follow your gut.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
He had a roof over his head, a toothbrush, a shower, food, etc. all in rehab. He made the choice to walk away. Now he has to experience the consequence of that to ever want to not experience this again.
Set your boundaries and keep them. Pray for him.
Much love to you, I cannot even imagine. Take good care of YOU!
Set your boundaries and keep them. Pray for him.
Much love to you, I cannot even imagine. Take good care of YOU!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by qwer1234 
Hi,
Last week son left rehab against medical advice and after nine days.
He told counselor and I it was his life and he'd do what he wanted. He contacted me immediately and I told him I wanted some space. During the past week he's found the means to get back to the area where I live (which he considers "home" as he's lived her off and on for 4ish years). He has no "home" and I will not let him come to my house due to his drug use.
Sat he txted me "hi mom." I ignored. Sun I get the tx "I have a job and start Mon at 7 am." I replied that I was glad. Then I get the txt "Do you have time to meet later and eat?"
I'm sure he's hungry, dirty, and living outside....well not certain, but I'd bet a lot of money on it.
I finally txt hime and said. "No I want space for now. Later when you've been clean for a while, I will be able to meet, but not right now."
He accepted that. But I'm pretty sure it will only be for a week, or so.
Do I ignore him? I really don't want to see or speak with him. The conversation is bound to be about his hunger, ill fitting shoes, lack of toothbrush....and on and on. I just don't feel like I can be civil with him. I'm so angry at him for leaving detox and rehab. I'm angry that he wants to do it on his own, but expect his father and I to join in the pity party about his life choices.
At this point, I can't even figure out what to say except I want space. The space gives me time to process and so far has avoided the handout.
He has claimed to want a relationship with me and his siblings but he doesnt know how to have one anymore except to lie, steal and manipulate.
Any ideas of how to have a "relationship" or with responses to keep him at a distance right now are greatly appreciated.
qwer
Last week son left rehab against medical advice and after nine days.
He told counselor and I it was his life and he'd do what he wanted. He contacted me immediately and I told him I wanted some space. During the past week he's found the means to get back to the area where I live (which he considers "home" as he's lived her off and on for 4ish years). He has no "home" and I will not let him come to my house due to his drug use.
Sat he txted me "hi mom." I ignored. Sun I get the tx "I have a job and start Mon at 7 am." I replied that I was glad. Then I get the txt "Do you have time to meet later and eat?"
I'm sure he's hungry, dirty, and living outside....well not certain, but I'd bet a lot of money on it.
I finally txt hime and said. "No I want space for now. Later when you've been clean for a while, I will be able to meet, but not right now."
He accepted that. But I'm pretty sure it will only be for a week, or so.
Do I ignore him? I really don't want to see or speak with him. The conversation is bound to be about his hunger, ill fitting shoes, lack of toothbrush....and on and on. I just don't feel like I can be civil with him. I'm so angry at him for leaving detox and rehab. I'm angry that he wants to do it on his own, but expect his father and I to join in the pity party about his life choices.
At this point, I can't even figure out what to say except I want space. The space gives me time to process and so far has avoided the handout.
He has claimed to want a relationship with me and his siblings but he doesnt know how to have one anymore except to lie, steal and manipulate.
Any ideas of how to have a "relationship" or with responses to keep him at a distance right now are greatly appreciated.
qwer
The old "actions speak louder than words" typically should apply in a situation like this. Re-connecting and making amends with loved ones can be important during an effectively managed rehab experience but that doesn't sound like your son's current status.
He needs to walk the walk for a while and give you ample evidence of his progress. In the interim, even though expressions of love and moral support can appropriate from you, you have to be totally firm about the conditions you've established. Very few people are better at lying and manipulation than addicts who have recently ditched rehab.
Please stay strong and always hope for the best. Getting young addicts on the road to recovery can be a maddening journey for everyone involved.
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