LobstahKiller

Hi there,

I've posted a few times in other parts of this forum: Essentially, my partner recently died. I found out after he died that he was using heroin for years, including when we lived together. So many lies, I look back and just see years of lies.

(I see the good stuff, too, but right now, in this moment, I just feel a huge sense of betrayal. Some days or hours or even minutes are better than others.)

Now he's dead, and I now know all this stuff, and I find that I am very angry at him, and miss him, and I never had the chance to tell him any of it face to face.

Has anyone lost a partner or family member before he/she was able to confront the addict?

I am wondering if I should go to Al Anon, or something similar.

I am hurt, mad, sad, devastated...and I love him still. I broke up with him shortly before he died, but I never ever stopped loving him.

I don't know how I'm ever going to get past this all.

Thank you for any advice.

sojourner

Lobstahkiller: What you are feeling is so very normal. I would definitely suggest you try some kind of support group while you go through this grief and definitely before you make any major life decisions. You might try Al-Anon, but I have found that most of the time, when the addicted loved one dies, an Al-Anon attendee eventually stops going. So give it a try but do not be surprised if you need something else. What that something else is, I do not know. Al-Anon can at least be a place that encourages you to learn about addiction and how you have learned to interact with it that is abnormal but in ways that you are not aware of.

Keep coming back here, also. There is also a thread here for grieving the death of the addicted loved one.

Sojourner.

LobstahKiller

Thank you so much for this. I do see a therapist weekly, and have for a few years (which is how I was able to separate myself from my partner's actions, and found the strength to get out of the relationship six months before he died, before I knew he was an addict).

I'm going to see her today, which is the first time back since learning about the addiction, so maybe it will all be different after we talk about it for a while.

That is interesting about Al-Anon and people leaving after someone dies.

I guess I am most interested in going for exactly what you say: "Al-Anon can at least be a place that encourages you to learn about addiction and how you have learned to interact with it that is abnormal but in ways that you are not aware of."

My step-father was an alcoholic, though we as a family have never really spoken about it.

This is all raising so many issues for me.

zoso77

I'm really, really sorry for your loss. None of this is fair. Unfortunately, you're going to have to come to terms with both his deception and his loss. And I think the best way to do this is to decide that you'll come to terms with his deception and his loss.

It's not going to be easy. And I'm of the opinion that there are some losses that will stay with us forever. But what you can learn how to do is to push forward as best you can.

We're here to help with that.

Txhelp

So sorry....I imagine this is similar to any person that's lost a loved one and then come to find that they have this secret life (affair; business; drug; etc).

You seem on target emotionally and pretty much have the emotions that any person would have given the circumstances.

Amysad

I am very sorry for your loss - we didn't see the addiction in my daughter either. I should have been more attentive to the many signs but we just thought it was more nasty teenager syndrome. Now 10 years later we don't have her in our lives and she us out there by choice alone and using. It happens more and more than I ever knew - not recognizing the signs of addiction. I'm so sorry