When do you give up?
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
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When do you give up?
My XABF is currently in an inpatient drug rehab program. about 1/3 of the way done. earlier today, when he wqs out on pass--not with me--I opend my facebook on my phone and it said he is now in a relationship with so-and-so as of today. he broke up with me before going to rehab and let me know he needed to sort himself out before he can have a relationship.
I thought you werent supposed to start any relationships at the beginning of recovery?
anyways, if anyone has read my other post, you know XABF was in jail for about a year and ahalf, and i stuck by. my question is why would I give up while hes in rehab? i have no doubt this new "relationship" of his is doomed, but it still really f*****g hurts to see it pop up on my phone. he told me i was the one he wanted to go through treatment with. now she posted he said he loves her and has for years and hes finally happy.
when is it okay to give up? i love this man, but i hate what he is doing to me.
I thought you werent supposed to start any relationships at the beginning of recovery?
anyways, if anyone has read my other post, you know XABF was in jail for about a year and ahalf, and i stuck by. my question is why would I give up while hes in rehab? i have no doubt this new "relationship" of his is doomed, but it still really f*****g hurts to see it pop up on my phone. he told me i was the one he wanted to go through treatment with. now she posted he said he loves her and has for years and hes finally happy.
when is it okay to give up? i love this man, but i hate what he is doing to me.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Im so sorry, what an awful thing to have happen. I think your smart in realizing at this point in rehab its a time of instability for him.. but putting all that aside... Its ok to end the relationship any time it isn't working for you. If you get to a point where you can look with clarity and realize a future with him is not what you want or need... his life is important, but YOURS is too.
Im sorry your in pain and confusion tonight.
Im sorry your in pain and confusion tonight.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so sorry because I know it hurts. However, in the grand scheme of things, he has done you a favor. Rehab "relationships" are fairly common. I agree it will be doomed, but likely so will he.
You deserve so so so much more.
Let him go.
You deserve so so so much more.
Let him go.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by auroraxborealis 
My XABF is currently in an inpatient drug rehab program. about 1/3 of the way done. earlier today, when he wqs out on pass--not with me--I opend my facebook on my phone and it said he is now in a relationship with so-and-so as of today. he broke up with me before going to rehab and let me know he needed to sort himself out before he can have a relationship.
I thought you werent supposed to start any relationships at the beginning of recovery?
anyways, if anyone has read my other post, you know XABF was in jail for about a year and ahalf, and i stuck by. my question is why would I give up while hes in rehab? i have no doubt this new "relationship" of his is doomed, but it still really f*****g hurts to see it pop up on my phone. he told me i was the one he wanted to go through treatment with. now she posted he said he loves her and has for years and hes finally happy.
when is it okay to give up? i love this man, but i hate what he is doing to me.
I thought you werent supposed to start any relationships at the beginning of recovery?
anyways, if anyone has read my other post, you know XABF was in jail for about a year and ahalf, and i stuck by. my question is why would I give up while hes in rehab? i have no doubt this new "relationship" of his is doomed, but it still really f*****g hurts to see it pop up on my phone. he told me i was the one he wanted to go through treatment with. now she posted he said he loves her and has for years and hes finally happy.
when is it okay to give up? i love this man, but i hate what he is doing to me.
You ask if you should give up. My answer is an unequivocal f**k yes.
What your AXBF has done is not the least bit surprising. The only reason why he's "happy" now is because the pleasure center in his brain is being tickled in all the right ways. He does not want anyone to hold him accountable for his actions. F**k, he doesn't want to hold himself accountable for his actions. What do you think is going to happen when he has to behave like a mature, commited partner in a romantic relationship? At some point, that's what he's going to be faced with. And he can't do it.
If you look through my post history dating back to January 2012, you will find that I empathize with you quite a bit. And the best thing that could have happened to me was my then AGF "doing what she did". Your AXBF has given you a gift: your freedom. The question is what do you want to do with that gift.
When I got that gift, I was incredibly grateful. My AXGF showed once and for all what she was all about. And I don't want people like that in my life. To be blunt, your AXBF sounds like bad news, and you deserve better.
Let the new chick deal with his bullsh*t. Pick yourself up off the floor, put one foot in front of the other, and move on one moment at a time. You'll be OK. Trust me on this.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
Should I let him know I'm saying goodbye? Right before he broke up with me, he disappeared on me for over a week. I wanted so bad for him to call or text , even though I knew it was just a matter of him dumping me.
Even now, it's hard to believe that after his treatment there's not a chance of us being together again.
His counselor agreed when I said now (him in treatment) isn't the time to give up. Should I talk to his counselr? He said if I ever need to talk I can call. But I know he doesn't care, my AXBF is his interest, not me. But he isn't supposed to be on Facebook or anything.
I could also go through his sister. She has been amazing. Someone to talk to. And she's gone through/going through something similar. She and I were the only people allowed to talk to him at first. All their family has to go through her. But I don't want to put her in a bad spot of I want her to let him know I'm done. For real.
He has my number. He can call. I'm afraid if I answer I'll change my mind. I can I unforward my phone and not get his calls on my main line. Maybe I should do that.
I'm so lost at what to do from here. I told him I'm proud of him being in treatment and I'll support him. I thought I could. But I can't let go of the idea of being with him someday and see him "with" someone else in treatment.
His sister wondered why I want to go to alanon and NA and naranon. She wondered if maybe this is just my first break up, and there's nothing wrong with me and I'm just naturally a giving person ( I said I'm a giver he's a taker). And I'm looking for solutions to a problem that doesn't exist. At least I think that's what she was saying. Maybe she's right. And I'm trying to fix something that isn't broken in hopes that if it's fixed and I do my "work" and so does he we can be together someday.
I feel like I'm in the same spot I was a month ago. Telling him I'm not fighting over him. I've always told him that.
I never thought I would be capable of giving up on someone I love.
Even now, it's hard to believe that after his treatment there's not a chance of us being together again.
His counselor agreed when I said now (him in treatment) isn't the time to give up. Should I talk to his counselr? He said if I ever need to talk I can call. But I know he doesn't care, my AXBF is his interest, not me. But he isn't supposed to be on Facebook or anything.
I could also go through his sister. She has been amazing. Someone to talk to. And she's gone through/going through something similar. She and I were the only people allowed to talk to him at first. All their family has to go through her. But I don't want to put her in a bad spot of I want her to let him know I'm done. For real.
He has my number. He can call. I'm afraid if I answer I'll change my mind. I can I unforward my phone and not get his calls on my main line. Maybe I should do that.
I'm so lost at what to do from here. I told him I'm proud of him being in treatment and I'll support him. I thought I could. But I can't let go of the idea of being with him someday and see him "with" someone else in treatment.
His sister wondered why I want to go to alanon and NA and naranon. She wondered if maybe this is just my first break up, and there's nothing wrong with me and I'm just naturally a giving person ( I said I'm a giver he's a taker). And I'm looking for solutions to a problem that doesn't exist. At least I think that's what she was saying. Maybe she's right. And I'm trying to fix something that isn't broken in hopes that if it's fixed and I do my "work" and so does he we can be together someday.
I feel like I'm in the same spot I was a month ago. Telling him I'm not fighting over him. I've always told him that.
I never thought I would be capable of giving up on someone I love.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I can only say to talk to your own counselor. His rehab counselor is looking at things in terms of his recovery. Who and what can be there to help him stay sober. I mean no respect, but your own counselor may have your best interests at heart a bit more. Don't get so engaged in his family, it will just make things harder. I would also not bet he is giving his own counselor all the details of what is going on and the thought process behind it.
Let Go and Let God. You are not giving up, you are giving him the space he needs to recover....or not.
Let Go and Let God. You are not giving up, you are giving him the space he needs to recover....or not.
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I'm sorry, but it sounds like he has moved on. He considers the relationship with you over and he is now involved in another relationship. There's not really anything, at this point, for you to give up on.
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That's it though. How can he move on? It's only been two months since he dumped me. And we were together two and a half years.
I'm really trying to listen. I am. It's hard to hear. Thank you all for your responses.
I'm really trying to listen. I am. It's hard to hear. Thank you all for your responses.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I was with my XAH for 18 years. Very very close to his family. I found out really quickly blood is thicker than water. It's very hard not to be close to people anymore who were my family too. It was amazing b/c when we were together they were very critical of his drinking, very sympathetic to myself and my children. Boy did that change when I kicked him out.
You know why? They are codependent themselves and they did not want me to give up no matter how much crap I had to take b/c then they would be responsible for him. That's not true, but they think it is. They have never given him a chance to man up and be responsible for himself. I cannot say this is the same for all families, but I can say pretty certainly you will prolong your hurt by associating with his family all the time.
I'm sorry.
You know why? They are codependent themselves and they did not want me to give up no matter how much crap I had to take b/c then they would be responsible for him. That's not true, but they think it is. They have never given him a chance to man up and be responsible for himself. I cannot say this is the same for all families, but I can say pretty certainly you will prolong your hurt by associating with his family all the time.
I'm sorry.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
why shouldn't he move on? he broke up with you first, that means he is free to do whatever he wants.....AS ARE YOU. doesn't matter if you were together for 2 minutes or 20 years, when it's over, it's OVER.
working with his family could be problematic. when my first ex and I split up I too worked at the family business. we had a 1 year old baby and he "moved on" with my best friend who also worked there.
I quit. there was no way I was going to torture myself needlessly. I moved on, for my own health and sanity.
working with his family could be problematic. when my first ex and I split up I too worked at the family business. we had a 1 year old baby and he "moved on" with my best friend who also worked there.
I quit. there was no way I was going to torture myself needlessly. I moved on, for my own health and sanity.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
we reach the bottom when we choose to stop digging.
Back in the day, when a tornado was imminent. People would release their horses to try and outrun the storm, to give the horses a chance at survival. Perhaps this is what he has done for you. Im sorry to be a negative nancy... but if he is in a relationship with someone while he is in treatment, then he isnt very serious about recovery. Perhaps he has no intentions of changing, and knows that he doesnt want to be what you want him you want him to be... so he let you go to try and outrun the storm... instead of being tied to a building that is bound to colapse.
I have a friend... lets call him T. His wife "stood by him" for many years through endless rehabs and treatments. Finally, 5 years into their marriage and 10 years into their relationship, she gave him an ultimatum: "Its me or the drugs. one more relapse and Im filling for divorce." She thought she was done enabling. She thought the ultimatum would push him into recovery. About 2 weeks later he disappeared on a friday night, was out on a bender all weekend, and went to court to file for divorce the following monday. He gave her the house, car, and dog. He still pays spousal support when he hasnt blown all of his money on his lifestyle. I asked him why he was the one who filed for divorce and he said "she wasnt happy. She wanted me to change an I dont want to."
sorry for the rambling post. Honestly... I would recommend just blocking him from social media, so that you cant go snooping and cause yourself more pain. Regardless of the reason he has moved on, The truth is that he has... and your only choice is to cry it out and accept it somehow.
Back in the day, when a tornado was imminent. People would release their horses to try and outrun the storm, to give the horses a chance at survival. Perhaps this is what he has done for you. Im sorry to be a negative nancy... but if he is in a relationship with someone while he is in treatment, then he isnt very serious about recovery. Perhaps he has no intentions of changing, and knows that he doesnt want to be what you want him you want him to be... so he let you go to try and outrun the storm... instead of being tied to a building that is bound to colapse.
I have a friend... lets call him T. His wife "stood by him" for many years through endless rehabs and treatments. Finally, 5 years into their marriage and 10 years into their relationship, she gave him an ultimatum: "Its me or the drugs. one more relapse and Im filling for divorce." She thought she was done enabling. She thought the ultimatum would push him into recovery. About 2 weeks later he disappeared on a friday night, was out on a bender all weekend, and went to court to file for divorce the following monday. He gave her the house, car, and dog. He still pays spousal support when he hasnt blown all of his money on his lifestyle. I asked him why he was the one who filed for divorce and he said "she wasnt happy. She wanted me to change an I dont want to."
sorry for the rambling post. Honestly... I would recommend just blocking him from social media, so that you cant go snooping and cause yourself more pain. Regardless of the reason he has moved on, The truth is that he has... and your only choice is to cry it out and accept it somehow.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Should I let him know I'm saying goodbye?
The question I would ask yourself is why would you choose to stay attached to a sick person. Because that's what he is, and he's proving that by jumping into something with a new girl instead of focusing on his recovery.
My AXGF dumped me via text message and attached a picture of her and the new guy...while I was at work!! Believe me, I know you're hurting. But even when my AXGF did that, I knew this wasn't about me. It was all about her. Sick people do sick things.
I would block him on Facebook, email, and from calling you. The best way to heal your heart is to accept that for now, things are going to suck. But you will see in time that he gave you a gift.
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