smc92va

Chino- those questions have been playing on repeat in my mind all week. So far, I can't really answer them. I don't want to get over it because I love him, and because he told me he loved me, and that was not the cause for the breakup. Now, the question "how can I get over it?" I have not found an answer too as of yet.

smc92va

I'm really hoping that a year from now I'll have come so far in my own recovery that this all will be a distant memory and seem a little silly. One can only hope😌😌😌

hopeful4

You know, it may not seem silly but it will not seem nearly as significant as it does now. Hopefully you will learn from it in analyzing the type of relationship you want in the future. Healing takes time, this is very new to you. Give yourself a break. Take this time to be extremely good to YOU!

AnvilheadII

I don't want to get over it because I love him

are you in love with the NOW him......or the THEN him? 17 years is a big gap of time and you both changed, you both had lots and lots of things happen in your lives. and you only spent a short time in the present reconnecting. and only shared the one week together in each other's presence.

i'm sure for him it had to be great to see someone he knew and who knew him BEFORE the heroin took over. but i'm sure he also realized he can't just magically make the past 15 years just go away. he's different now. he's changed. and he has a lot of hard work to do in order to have a successful lifelong recovery. and this isn't the time to get sidetracked. not with so much at stake.

as it is, you did get to see him again. you know he's alive and on a good path today. and that he didn't forget you.

let that be enough.

smc92va

AvilheadII- that's what I plan on doing. If he enters my life again further down the road it will have to be by his doing. Then at that point- we will have to get to know each other all over again- we have both experienced quite a bit in those 17yrs- he with his addiction, the lose of his alcoholic mother- we both have experienced marriage followed by divorce, both experienced the birth of a child, I experienced the loss of my 27 yr old brother, my only sibling to an Oxy overdose, and experienced his addiction in all it's phases before that as well as his bipolar illness and the effect it has/had on my family. So neither of us is the same. I have decided to completely leave him alone because above all else, I want him to maintain his sobriety, fight for his life and go through every phase of recovery as he sees fit to do. Like he always told me, I'm gonna "just keep doing the next right thing" for me. And I hope that he will do the same. When relationships end with the disease of addiction present and as one of the underlying reasons for the end, I think there is less closure and a bit more pain. Especially know that you know a little more about my history- I would hope that you could empathize and understand why.

smc92va

I lost my only brother to a failed recovery and a relapse- I completely understand the ramifications that entails

smc92va

Ya know- the further I step back and look at this guy, he might not have that many qualities that I would normally look for in a 39 yr old potential mate:

1. It's kinda cowardly to break up with someone via text regardless the situation
2. Taking care of your children is always stressful, but much less stressful when you only do so one day a week. I'm a single mother with a full time, 12 hour a day job and I manage
3. Life is always stressful- but his schedule is laid out for him and managed pretty much for you. I pay a mortgage, run a household, take care of my child, work long hours on a film set everyday and I cope....


Hmmmm......lots to consider

smc92va

Had a nice long therapy session this evening. Wowsers-was it informative. So the ex addict in recovery is basically the poster child for the Love Avoidant Personality type, and in the last 10 yrs or so with the chaos my brother created through his addiction and mental illness; I've become the poster child for the codependent type. The ex in recovery grew up taking care of his sister and his alcoholic mother, I spent 18-32 in a dysfunctional family where chaos was caused by my now deceased brother and a mother who enabled him until the bitter end and a father who rotated from extreme anger/blame to emotionally absent. Apparently the love avoidant and the codependent flock to each other like white on rice! Like I said- it was quite an informative and intense 1hr and 45min therapy session....

BreesGram

SMC, I am so glad to read after reading all those posts that you had such an informative and therapeutic counseling session and took away so much valuable knowledge that you can apply to your situation. I am sure this man has far more issues than just those of avoidance. Yes, an email or a text was not the best way to break it off with you but hey we're talking about someone who is saying he was a drug addict for 15 years! That was your first clue that something wasn't right with you because IMO red flags should have been going up all over the place "he's an addict" " he's an addict" but you just ignored that insignificant piece of information and just kept on going. I think you should be thanking your lucky stars that he disengaged like that. Lord only knows the hardships you have dodged by this not working out?

smc92va

I wanted to believe in recovery and redemption for all- I wanted to believe that he was the same person I fell in love with before and lord knows he did his damnedest to make believe that was true when we initially reconnected. I believe now that people can achieve sobriety however I do not believe that they recover the little part of their soul their chronic and now life long disease stole for them. I no longer believe that is possible. I have hope and faith still in realistic endeavors but not in everything. The last 8 yrs of my life - from things outside of my control like the death of my brother to an overdose and things within my realm of control like opening my heart to those who could not appreciate it or return any love I was giving out has stolen that piece of me that I will never get back. Maybe that is a good thing....maybe it was not something that should have ever existed in the first place. I'm still wrestling with that idea and many feelings that seem to now consume my thoughts at times. But it probably is the best thing that he ended everything- even if he did not have the emotional maturity or decency to do it in a less painful manner. I'm sure that as time passes and as I continue the necessary work on myself that this will fade into a distant memory. The pain will lessen, but the lessons I have learned from this hopefully will not soon be forgotten. However I do believe there is a lot of truth to be found in the Maya Angelou quote "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." I know I certainly won't.