New to SR
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: East Coast
Posts: 83
New to SR
Good Morning, I'm new to SR. I attended my first Nar-Anon meeting last week.
My 25 yo son left rehab against medical advice on the same day i visited to discuss his transition after rehab.
The counselor and I both suggested that he not return to his "home" but to get a clean fresh start in an Oxford house within 30 miles. The Rehab facility offered to assist with interviews and transportation when he was discharged. I offered to help for two months with rent/food and that I would visit at least monthly (10 hour round trip).
He response was two fold. I want to return home where good people can help me. And, its my life and I'll do what I want.
The good people mean me....the person he nickles and dimes for money and the family of his gf (who is in rehab herself).
It's my life....well that's what he has done since he was a kid....and left a trail of misery. At 25 he's homeless with no job skills and can't seem to stay employed for more than a month.
Fri as I was still driving home, I got a call from the facility to tell me he'd left. Counselor tried to get him to sleep on it and he refused. Said that if he couldn't come home, there was no reason to stay.
He contacted me repeatedly yesterday from different phones asking if I was busy. I told him I wasn't ready to speak with him and that this was his decision and that I had no money.
The roller coaster is very difficult and I just want off. I want to stop feeling guilty.
qwer1234
My 25 yo son left rehab against medical advice on the same day i visited to discuss his transition after rehab.
The counselor and I both suggested that he not return to his "home" but to get a clean fresh start in an Oxford house within 30 miles. The Rehab facility offered to assist with interviews and transportation when he was discharged. I offered to help for two months with rent/food and that I would visit at least monthly (10 hour round trip).
He response was two fold. I want to return home where good people can help me. And, its my life and I'll do what I want.
The good people mean me....the person he nickles and dimes for money and the family of his gf (who is in rehab herself).
It's my life....well that's what he has done since he was a kid....and left a trail of misery. At 25 he's homeless with no job skills and can't seem to stay employed for more than a month.
Fri as I was still driving home, I got a call from the facility to tell me he'd left. Counselor tried to get him to sleep on it and he refused. Said that if he couldn't come home, there was no reason to stay.
He contacted me repeatedly yesterday from different phones asking if I was busy. I told him I wasn't ready to speak with him and that this was his decision and that I had no money.
The roller coaster is very difficult and I just want off. I want to stop feeling guilty.
qwer1234
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome, Qwer. My adult son is an active addict and I know the pain you feel in your heart.
You did the right thing by letting him bear the consequences of his bad choices. He wants everything his way and still has many lessons to learn. Taking him home would only bring the problem into your place of peace and safety, your home.
Take a good read around, make yourself comfortable and know that you are not alone here, many of us have been where you are and are walking with you on this journey. I'm glad you are going to Nar-anon, meetings helped many of us find and keep our balance.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
You did the right thing by letting him bear the consequences of his bad choices. He wants everything his way and still has many lessons to learn. Taking him home would only bring the problem into your place of peace and safety, your home.
Take a good read around, make yourself comfortable and know that you are not alone here, many of us have been where you are and are walking with you on this journey. I'm glad you are going to Nar-anon, meetings helped many of us find and keep our balance.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
In truth, we can't build a happy healthy life for anyone else. They have to do it for themselves.
To try to be the net under someone else's trapeze is not healthy or helpful for us or them. We never get the net in the right place at the right time, and then they feel that we have let them down, when, after all, they are the ones choosing to do the high-flying.
It is so hard to let go and watch someone else make what seem to us to be bad choices, but in the end, only their choices matter anyway.
Take comfort that you are not alone; many parents struggle with what you are living through, and can understand the pain and anguish of not being able to fix their beloved children's lives. You don't need to feel guilty for your son's choices. He gets to own his own choices, and you get to live your own life.
Feeling guilty suggests that underneath it all, you have failed in a responsibility that is yours to handle. That is not so. Remember, he climbed that ladder to high flying all on his own, and only he can climb down that ladder to safe ground. Feel grief, feel longing, feel anger, feel sorrow for his choices. Not guilt. That belongs to him.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your son.
ShootingStar1
To try to be the net under someone else's trapeze is not healthy or helpful for us or them. We never get the net in the right place at the right time, and then they feel that we have let them down, when, after all, they are the ones choosing to do the high-flying.
It is so hard to let go and watch someone else make what seem to us to be bad choices, but in the end, only their choices matter anyway.
Take comfort that you are not alone; many parents struggle with what you are living through, and can understand the pain and anguish of not being able to fix their beloved children's lives. You don't need to feel guilty for your son's choices. He gets to own his own choices, and you get to live your own life.
Feeling guilty suggests that underneath it all, you have failed in a responsibility that is yours to handle. That is not so. Remember, he climbed that ladder to high flying all on his own, and only he can climb down that ladder to safe ground. Feel grief, feel longing, feel anger, feel sorrow for his choices. Not guilt. That belongs to him.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your son.
ShootingStar1
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board. This sentence struck me:
He'll do what he wants, and then expect you to clean up after him. One of the biggest lessons all of us have to learn is just because we want to do something doesn't mean we should. The difference between responsible adults and irresponsible people is responsible people understand that. So, he can continue to do what he wants, but just make sure he pays the price for that and not you.
Ann was the first member to greet you this morning, and I encourage you to pay attention to what she has to share with you. She's been through it all and has come out the other side.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
It's my life....well that's what he has done since he was a kid....and left a trail of misery. At 25 he's homeless with no job skills and can't seem to stay employed for more than a month.
Ann was the first member to greet you this morning, and I encourage you to pay attention to what she has to share with you. She's been through it all and has come out the other side.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Welcome Qwer! I am a Mother of a 24 year old heroin addict. He is currently in rehab for the third time. He has also struggled to stay employed and sober. We were prisoners to his addiction until such time I really hit my bottom. This after jail time/ missing and several attempts living under our roof. I believe that my son is quite capable of holding down a job and taking care of himself. I told him that living at home is NO LONGER AN OPTION. He has to make it on his own. By removing this crutch, I am giving him the opportunity to be a man and make his own way. His addiction only increases under our roof. You are off the crazy train and that is wonderful! If your son really chooses to have a better life, he will find the resources/tools to make that happen.
Hang in there, read around. We all understand
TT
Hang in there, read around. We all understand
TT
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