Amysad

Well my AD moved out of the apartment I rented for her 2 years ago. I told her 4 months ago I would not renew it. She advised me through text she moved and that was that - a week now and no contact. It was my last touchstone with her so I don't know where she is or what she is doing. I guess it finally is really over for her and I - learned just like everyone here said that when the money stopped she stopped staying in contact. Pretty clear that's all it was about - me paying and bring an idiot and her staying high on heroin and whatever else and laughing her way through life knowing how age got over on me. So it's done and I really don't expect to hear from her - how very sad she chose this life path for herself.

GardenMama

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Amy. One of the best things I have learned here and in NarAnon meetings is the phrase "More will be revealed." It is not over. It's just quiet, and that is very hard for parents especially. Be kind to yourself, don't future-trip too much. You did a good thing by cutting off the financial support of her addiction, removed as it is, it was clearly something essential. Take care and try to just be present to yourself and the other loved ones in your life right now. Put your energy into good and grateful things. I am thinking of you. Peace.

Taking5

When you told her you would stop paying for her rent, what were your expectations?

You not paying her rent is a very strong positive move, regardless of where she is personally.

She is either a) handling her affairs on her own, in which case you should be overjoyed or b) she has found a new enabler, in which case she won't cause as much damage in your life as she has, This is also likely a step towards her "bottom".

I see this as a good thing all around, although of course it will not erase all your suffering.

Ann

I agree with Taking, above. Wherever she is, she is now forced to finding her own way and that includes the options of detox and rehab and meetings and recovery of any kind. She gets to choose a life that is no longer "comfy" or making changes that very well may save her life.

You did the right thing, you gave her every chance to find a better path and she chose to get comfy with life as she knows it today.

I know how very hard that was for you, but sometimes the right thing and the most loving thing is also the hardest for us mamas.

Keeping you both in my prayers, that this quiet time will bring peace and healing for both of you.

Hugs from my heart to yours.

Amysad

I feel like I am in a fog - wondering what ever happened to the daughter who held such promise - college scholarships, a passion for giving and being kind - she just allowed her addiction to swallow her whole and keep us at odds so that the truth be hidden. I remember 4 to 5 years ago when the mother of an ex boyfriend told us she was using heroin - she had broken up with the boyfriend and told us it was because he was doing drugs and that his family was crazy so when I confronted her she just lied and lied and we believed her. Probably could have helped her then but I just allowed myself to get played. We had a nice life - Took her on trips all over the world....worked our butts off to give her and her sister a better life than we ever had and here we are today - broken and alone in the world of thugs addiction lies stealing and manipulation. Just don't think I ever will get over it - not ever.

WhoIsHe

So Sorry, Amysad. I am a mother of young adult children, and know that it would break my heart if I were going through what you're going through. My suggestion is to do something I do when I am overwhelmed with grief or anything else. I drop the "story line", place my hand on my heart, and allow myself to just feel whatever it is - really be present with myself. It's scary at times to allow that much pain but it's a good thing to do. Scream, yell, whatever. I have always come out on the other side and feel easier. Until the next overwhelm, which tends to be a little less intense.
Sending blessings of comfort....

Vale

When you kink the money hose.........you can hack your watch and wait for
the warheads to come over the horizon.....they will...as sure as night follows day.

It's the disease, not her.Don't take it personally.

(And I am TOTALLY, PAINFULLY AWARE that this is easier said than done)

We grieve together here at SR.

Vale

worked our butts off to give her and her sister a better life than we ever had and here we are today - broken and alone in the world of thugs addiction lies stealing and manipulation. Just don't think I ever will get over it - not ever.
=======================
And that has got to be the most poignant passage I have ever read on SR.

Ilovemysonjj

Amysad, it is very hard to let go. Our son spent 3 stints in jail and rehab and was missing for 90 days. Throughout all of those times, I just prayed, came on SR, shared my pain with my family and had to "be still". There is life and you must keep living. Your daughter knows you love her. At the time that she feels the full brunt of her addiction, she will choose her path.
We all understand the pain and the loneliness. It really helps to focus on those in your life who can support you and help you through this hard time.

Powerlessness is a reality that really will help you cope with the current state of affairs.
Ann always says "We are not the only answer." How true
Hugs and prayers going your way today and every day.
TT

njw1968

All I can say is I'm praying for you and your family.

Ann

We don't get over it, dear Amysad, but we do get through it and we do survive.

This is her journey now, she very well may find a better path. I pray that she does.

This mama knows your pain and I promise you that even though it doesn't go away, it becomes bearable over time and brings us courage to keep going and find the light in our own lives.

Hugs

MamaCas

Amysad, I am very sorry you are going through this. I wish no parent ever had to feel the way you must be feeling. Prayers to you and your family!

Amysad

I feel horrible - every day I think about how much better off l would be high and pain free like they are - I just hate living like this - I just hate my life

Lovenjoy

sending hugs and warm thoughts amy... it is heartbreaking. they're the addicts and numb all their pain while we feel it all.....

i'm doing a strange thing that is helping me move on with my life despite what the addict in my life is doing. (this is besides alanon, sr, therapy, reading, etc.)

melody beattie has a book Make Miricles in Forty Days Turning What you Have Into What You Want. you can do it with a partner or on your own. i'm doing it on my own 'cause i have serious trust issues.....

anyways. the reason i say it's strange is because it isn't at all what i expected. and i won't explain so you can experience it in your own way if you check it out. i read most of the book first then took some time to absorb the concept and am now 4 days into practicing it. and it is helping which is wonderful.

i'm sorry you're in pain and i hope you can find some healing. i don't want any of us to hate our lives. we are not the addict. i hate the disease and i hate his choices and the impact on his family. but i have reclaimed my life and have found joy again and i am healing. i still have desperate moments of fear and sadness. but i am collecting tools and yes people which i can turn to and get back on my recovery train.....

you are not alone. deep breathes, small pleasures, prayer. stay with us and hang on. it can get better. for you.....

zoso77

I hate to say this, but you're probably right. You won't get "over it". But what you will learn how to do, should you choose to, is to press forward and live your life.

And it really is a choice. You can stay stuck, paralyzed by fear, or you can live your life. It's hard, I won't lie. But just like she's made her choices, you have choices in front of you, too. Make sure those choices are what's best for your well being.

chicory

Amysad,

for a while, you had the 'security' of knowing where she was, and now that has changed. It is bound to be horribly painful and scary for you. It may be the very thing to bring change for her, though.

It is scary to do the right things, but your courage shows. Stay with us, we will walk with you, and remember, if nothing changes , nothing changes. a lesson I am trying to learn from too.

big hugs

hopeful4

Amysad, you have gotten good feedback. Nothing to add except that my heart hurts for you and your family. I send you many hugs, much love, and lots of prayers!

XXX

Amysad

I have gotten a lot of good feedback - have decided to leave area for awhile and chill with nonAD daughter who has been hurt by all this just like me. We are going to do a mom n daughter trip and try and heal and forget and move forward - thanks to all of you that write me - I hope someday I can be helpful to someone instead of just taking advice and feeling so lost - every day is still same ole same ole- I don't feel like it's getting better but I am looking forward to going away. Just so damn sad angry and embarrassed way life has turned out.....

LoveMeNow

Sounds like a great idea. Here is a great reading to remember while you are away..

Friday, July 5, 2013

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Survivor Guilt

We begin recovering. We begin taking care of ourselves. Our recovery program starts to work in our life, and we begin to feel good about ourselves.

Then it hits. Guilt.

Whenever we begin to experience the fullness and joy of life, we may feel guilty about those we've left behind - those not recovering, those still in pain. This survivor guilt is a symptom of codependency.

We may think about the husband we've divorced who is still drinking. We may dwell on a child, grown or adult, still in pain. We may get a phone call from a non-recovering parent who relates his or her misery to us. And we feel pulled into their pain.

How can we feel so happy, so good, when those we love are still in misery? Can we really break away and lead satisfying lives, despite their circumstances? Yes, we can.

And yes, it hurts to leave behind those we love. But keep moving forward anyway. Be patient. Other people's recovery is not our job. We cannot make them recover. We cannot make them happy.

We may ask why we were chosen for a fuller life. We may never know the answer. Some may catch up in their own time, but their recovery is not our business. The only recovery we can truly claim is our own.

We can let go of others with love, and love ourselves without guilt.

Today, I am willing to work through my sadness and guilt. I will let myself be healthy and happy, even though someone I love has not chosen the same path.

LoveMeNow

Oh and BTW, the author of the Language of Letting Go, Melody Beattie, is also a recovering addict and a recovering codependent (double winner) - just in case you didn't know.