Feeling lost

Old 08-21-2014, 05:17 PM
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Feeling lost

It's been exactly a week since my relationship ended. After having a wonderful reconnection with someone I held so dear to my heart for 15 yrs, he ended everything via text message last Thursday night. For those of you not familiar with my story, the now ex is in month 8 of recovery from heroin. We reconnected 4 months ago after not seeing each other for over 15 yrs. I never knew him as an addict and he was my first love when I was 20. In those 15 yrs apart, we both married and divorced, he became addicted to heroin, I lost my only sibling to an Oxy overdose etc. He reached out to me and we talked and text everyday- seeming to complete each other's thoughts, etc- we got each other. Since we live far apart- me in North Carolina, he in Boston - he planned and paid for my trip up and we had a wonderful sober week in Cape Cod together. He started to become distant about a week and half after I returned to NC and finally ended it last Thursday saying it was too much, he didn't know what had changed- he was trying to simplify and was stressed because he was getting ready to reconnect with his daughters, he had two good friends that relapsed from his sober house etc. I understand now this is typical behavior for an addict and someone in early recovery but it doesn't make it hurt any less and I have this feeling I will never see or hear from him again.
On top of all that- I have been dealing with chronic pain from numerous problems in my back and neck and my neurosurgeon here in my town has referred me to the hospital in Chapel Hill where I will begin tread td next month. My very best friend and old business partner moved back to NY several months ago, and I'm dealing with getting ready to turn 40.

Sometimes it just feels as if everything is closing in- I've done better emotionally than I thought I would but I very much feel like I'm just going through the motions with everything- with my daughter, with work, even with my Nar-Anon group(which I started attending a few months back to help best aid the ex in his recovery and to work on myself). I know my higher power has a plan and I'm sure there is a reason for all this. It just doesn't feel like it right now.

I would appreciate any advice or strategies any of you have used to get through the periods where you either feel nothing or when you do feel something , it's sadness😣😔😞
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Old 08-21-2014, 05:40 PM
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Dear SMC,
Wow, I'm so sorry this is happening to you, you must feel very overwhelmed and trapped in the addition trap! You probably have heard this from others...but you have to TRY to let this go, yeah things happen for a reason, but that doesn't help right now.
What I can offer you is the support you will need in the coming days and weeks. We all will surround you and support you.
Breathe, sweetly, breathe. Take each second at a time, soon a minute goes by then five minutes and soon you have made it a whole hour.
This anxiety and stress are so negative for the chronic pain you suffer from and that's something you must deal with day and night.
I wish I could lift some of this off your shoulders, but I can't, all I can do is say Welcome to the SR family you are very much cared about here! If you can get some face2face therapy ( ( i know everyone says that, but it really did help me!) sooner than later would be a positive blessing. But for now, let it go and breathe. Try to fill your mind with a happy thought, even for just a second.
Gentle hugs my friend,
TF
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Old 08-21-2014, 05:45 PM
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Hey smc92va,
I'm not sure if I really have any advice for you, but just that I have an understanding of a lot of your feelings. I don't post much on here, but have a few times and feel free to read if it helps at all. Although my breakup was a year and a half ago and I still hurt so much some days...all I can say is with the ever cliche saying it does get better with time. It's a feeling of loss, worry, utter sadness, hopelessness, fright, and confusion-for me it was/is anyway. Things that used to make me so happy didn't anymore. You just have to keep pushing through and spending time with those you love. Sometimes I wish there was a magic eraser to erase my memories with him bc all of mine were good until the breakup-same deal with you-breakup by a text and total disappearance. I did hear from him eventually although he wasn't "the same". I was unaware of the addiction the whole time we were together though sooo the confusion in my brain made it a bit harder to accept everything. I tell myself that people go through breakup a lot...but for some reason this was crazy hard and a pain different than just a normal breakup. Try and find anything inside yourself that truly makes you happy and do whatever it is over and over again-and surround yourself with awesome people...and know that it really will get better and that the sad days don't last forever. Thinking of you.
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Old 08-21-2014, 06:20 PM
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Thank you findthelight and TwoFish. It is comforting to hear your stories. You are soooo right about a break up with an addict being nothing like a normal break up. And I too have longed for my memory to be erased, Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind style. I wish he had never contacted me in the first place. That seems like the craziest part of it all. HE reached out to me- with what seemed to be quite a bit of sincerity. They always seem to find us wounded souls, us broken hearted people.

I have made an appointment with a therapist for next week- to finally deal with my brother's death, issues and depression related to chronic pain, codepency and this most recent heartache. I have also continued to attend my Nar-Anon meeting. I sometimes get so angry that the disease of addiction exist. It's steals people's souls. Both the addict and all those around them. I know I have to let that anger go but it is so hard. It has destroyed my family, and my own heart and soul.

SR has been such a blessing. I'm so glad I found it. It's both comforting and somewhat bittersweet and sad to know I'm not alone.
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Old 08-21-2014, 07:22 PM
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Here's some tough love mixed with some of my own experiences.

My situation was a bit different than yours. My AXGF ended it in a very sadistic way which left no doubt as to what her true core was. And I said, Thank you very much, and haven't looked back since.

But there are others in my past, who aren't addicts, who left a bigger mark than my AXGF ever did, and one of those still hurts pretty bad. And I just simply sit with it. Sometimes I'll drive by her exit off the highway, and that triggers a lot of initimate memories. That actually happened to me last weekend. Went into town to eat at Morton's with one of my buddies from grad school, and I had to drive past her exit going home. And man, it was tough. But even though it still hurts, there is no question that it's over, and that it's for the best.

You invested a lot in this guy. And when something like that blows up in your face, it's going to hurt, and it's going to hurt for a while. There is no getting around it. Maybe you'll heal. Maybe you won't. But even if you don't heal, life still goes on, and you do the best you can. Which is kinda what you've been doing. Even if you're just going through the motions, you deserve a lot of credit for that.

With an addict, you owe it to yourself to do a post mortem at some point. You have to look at why you did what you did and see if you took a wrong turn somewhere. That's how all of us here at SR have grown. We f**k up, we look at how and why we f**ked up, we accept responsibility for those choices, and we grow. Growth isn't without pain. And although this hurts bad right now, trust me, this is nothing compared to what would have been on your radar if thing's hadn't blown up.

Just keep going forward. Fake it 'til you make it.
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Old 08-21-2014, 07:43 PM
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Thanks Zoso- I think I've finally come to the conclusion that I entered into the relationship and the one 2 yrs ago with another addict bc of issues I have/had with my brother's death. He overdosed on OxyContin 8 yrs ago and my family lied to everyone and said he died in a car accident and haven't talked about it since. Highly dysfunctional. I think subconsciously I felt like if I could help/save an addict, then I would be able to make up for what I didn't do to help my brother. Since his death / I realize I have developed quite codependent unhealthy habits. Through Nar-Anon and this last relationship where the ex addict was at least always honest, I have finally accepted that I did not cause my brother's addiction, I certainly couldn't have cured it, and most of all, loving him more would have in no way saved him from death. Realizing this is quite a step for me....but it doesn't seem to help the emptiness I have inside. The empty numb feeling mixed with sadness. I don't know if it's possible, but my soul hurts, all the way to the core. I know it will get better in time, and I'm willing to put in all the hard work to try to repair myself. But like you said, while the pain does fade and doesn't seem to sting quite as much after some time passing, unfortunately memories don't. Thank you everyone for posting and sharing your stories, it really does mean so very much to me right now
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Old 08-21-2014, 11:51 PM
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smc92va,

We're so sorry you are going through this. We do understand.
As far as advice goes, it would be presumptuous to assume any
understanding of your life circumstances---but you did ask for coping
strategies so I'll do my best.

First things first. It is disrespectful to 'end everything' via text.
Disrespectful in the extreme----not to mention cowardly in the extreme.

(And you are LUCKY in the extreme....getting the heroin Chimera out of your
life!)

We sometimes 'paint' people that way we WISH them to be. I painted
the addict I knew as a heroic single Mom battling the odds.

Truth was, she was not that. Not at all. Truth is, if I were rating her
professionally and the passing grade was 300-----I doubt she'd rate 15 points
(and those a gift).

But if there's ONE thing I'd like to leave you with.....it is my heartfelt, true
experience that it isn't WHAT HAPPENS to us....it's how we deal with it.

You are turning 40 soon? I'm turning 54 soon. If we bring binary thinking to
the table...you got me beat.

But, truth is.......I'll keep my 54 years and you can keep your 40. I cannot die
when my children are young any more. I can't die and leave my family without security
any more.....those risky years from 25-50 are OVER......every year of life you live---
NONE of them can EVER be taken away from you by disastrous happenstance.

I can be hit by a bus tomorrow----so can you. But the difference is, I had 54 years
of living when it happened.....you had only 40.

So ((((KID!)))). Happy Birthday.......but watch your ass these next 14 years. I already got
them in the bag and YOU DON'T. It's not a con or a 'lemonade' argument.....it's how I
look at things. See every one of those birthdays for what they are----a gift.

We're sorry you are in pain. Pain, physical or emotional. It's why we're here on SR.
We have all have asked ourselves if we'd be better off bypassing....

Bypassing love, chance, flying, risk of any sort? No. That is an act of cowardice we
shall not yield to. Keep living, keep giving life a chance. Maybe, with a little luck.....you'll
have 54 birthdays

.................like I do..................

KID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 08-22-2014, 03:33 AM
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Thanks Vale- that was exactly what I needed to hear. I do not want to be a coward like the ex heroin addict bf. I want very badly to live my life to the absolute fullest. I have done things that many others in my family have considered impulsive- I changed careers at 35 after I got divorced from being an assistant principal to working in the film industry. As a child, I always dreamed of one day working in the movies and I was lucky enough to land in North Carolina and get that chance. I am going to approach life more like that today, and will try to with each day that follows. I'm going to look for the opportunities around me. I want to be someone my daughter is proud of. And Vale, you are right, each year is a gift and if I'm lucky, I still have another 40 in front of me. Thank you for your words- they were exactly what I needed to hear this morning. Thank you for taking time to read my post and respond. I'm so glad I found SR- it has been such a gift.
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Old 08-22-2014, 03:45 AM
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SMC, I am even older than old man Vale...although you'd never know it to look at me.

If I had my life to live over again, I wouldn't change much because in spite of the pain, the journey has taken me to a better place than I would have ever found if my journey had been different.

That said, I would not have wasted so many days, if I had it to do again. I would not have wasted days of worry that changed nothing, or days of "what if's" that never happened. The "if only, shoulda woulda coulda" days could go take a leap too.

This has all been an important chapter in your book of life, one filled with lessons and learning. Just because the chapter didn't end well, doesn't mean the book will not have a happy ending.

Embrace today and do something wonderful for yourself...buy yourself flowers or take yourself out to dinner...because a new chapter is about to begin and you want to go into it with a smile in your heart.

Hugs

P.S. Did Vale take my rocking chair? We are becoming alike...even our signatures.
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Old 08-22-2014, 04:06 AM
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Hi smc, i've been thinking about you. Once again, i know exactly how you are feeling... And man, it's tough... I am still going through this, and truthfully these are the 4 things that are slowly pulling me out of the darkness: 1) vigorous exercise - not talking about walking here, i do cycling (spin classes) and kickboxing. 2) baked goods - enough said. 3) meeting new people, and by people i mean men. Nothing gets your self-esteem up more than a little bit of attention from the opposite sex. 4) Time- this also needs no explanation.... It will take time.

Be well. Eat some cookies.
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Old 08-22-2014, 06:57 AM
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Lol ghosseir- you speak the truth! I will try to all of those things this weekend. I used to teach spinning but had to stop bc of the issues with my back. But I think you may have talked me into going to a gentle yoga class this weekend. And into making a batch of cupcakes with my daughter😊. Thank you!
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Old 08-22-2014, 06:58 AM
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And Ann - I'm going to try very hard to not waste anymore days on worry and what ifs. You are right- those are wasted hours and days.
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Old 08-22-2014, 01:32 PM
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Hey Ann,
I think it was Vale who took MY rocking chair!! He's such a wise YOUNG man!
Can't help but love him!
TF
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Old 08-22-2014, 01:48 PM
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I've got it under control...'cause that's what codies do. *snork*

.
Attached Images
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duck tape.jpg (9.7 KB, 74 views)
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Old 08-22-2014, 01:49 PM
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Alright- you guys actually just made me laugh! Well done😜
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Old 08-22-2014, 02:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post
I've got it under control...'cause that's what codies do. *snork*

.
Duck bondage?

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Old 08-22-2014, 02:45 PM
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I was wondering about that too Zoso but then thought it was a play on words
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Old 08-22-2014, 02:45 PM
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Now I'm really laughing☺️
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Old 08-22-2014, 03:18 PM
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Duck Tape! Something every good codie keeps in stock.

Glad we made you smile, SMC, it is so much kinder on the facial muscles than frowning.
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Old 08-22-2014, 05:00 PM
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I totally got it and you guys really did lift my spirits quite a bit. I've done a lot better today😊
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