On My Cousin's Behalf-Squared
 

Greetings!!! I'm here for myself...to gain a better understanding of substance abuse and addiction. I'm here for my cousin, who is the same age as myself (50's) and is married to a man who abuses alcohol on a regular basis. I'm here for her eldest son (30's) who has abused alcohol/drugs since he was 15 years old. My husband and I became quite close to this family unit; especially the son. We want to help. We don't want to enable.

Welcome to the Board, Katy. You've come to the right place, and a good place.

And with that:

The truth is there's very little you can do in terms of help. The only way an addict or an alcoholic will quit what they're doing to themselves is if and when they decide they've had enough and follow that decision with a course of treatment. And then it's a lifetime of self monitoring for them from that point forward.

Hopefully, your cousin is aware of Al Anon and Nar Anon, which are truly wonderful programs and help the loved ones of addicts and alcoholics regain their lives and their sanity. There is also the "Friends and Families of Alcoholics" side of SR that she can join if she's so inclined.

Dealing with a sick spouse is one thing. Dealing with that AND a sick child is pretty rough. My hope is your cousin checks out Al Anon/Nar Anon, but she's going to have to make that call on her own. You can't make that call for her.

If you want to learn about what it is you're up against, a good starting point is a sticky note called "What Addicts Do". It is a blunt, stark statement of fact written by an addict about addicts, and it is located on our homepage. Read that, then read it again, and then again...and keep reading it until it sinks in. Because that's exactly what you're up against. Addiction and alcoholism are mutherf**kers to deal with. They destroy lives every day across this country and across this world. But remember this: your cousin should not pay the price for the decisions of her husband or her son.

Again, Welcome to the Board.

One suggestion is to find a local al-anon meeting. There you will meet others dealing with someone else's alcoholism/addiction.

Learn as much as you can about addiction. Read the stickies here on SR and read through the posts.

Distinguish the difference between enabling and helping. Usually enabling is doing something for someone that they should be doing for themselves.

Usually the most important thing we can do for our friends and loved ones is to just listen and let them know we are there for them.

Thank you Atalose and Zoso for responding. I appreciate the suggestions as well as the candor. My experience with drug/alcohol abuse revolves around Borderline Personality Disorder. My spouse of 20+ years is BPD and self-medicated for years. Fortunately many, many moons ago, he hit bottom and decided to help himself by seeking professional help. Our focus, therefore, has been on addressing the BPD (primary) and understanding how drugs/alcohol (secondary) were used/abused as a coping mechanism.

Consequently, we are sensitive to those who face similar challenges; my cousin and her family are a case-in-point. However, in their situation, drugs/alcohol appear be the primary concern and provide the reason for seeking out a forum which focuses on addiction. I realize they're common bedfellows, so to speak.

I wonder whether or not, the nature of addiction takes precedence over the interlaced emotional/psychological factors which contribute to addictive behaviors.

Thoughts?

Bump

Bump

From what I learned from hubby's therapists, Addiction is always considered the primary diagnosis and treated as such. Once the addiction is being managed effectively, other issues can be dealt with. Hard to get very far in treatment of other issues when active addiction/using is occurring. Of course there are many emotional issues intertwined, for example shame, self worth, values, lying, guilt, etc and part of the addiction treatment involves dealing with those issues as well. But if you have an addict/alcoholic and you just try to treat their issue if low self worth in hopes they will then stop being an addict, that is not likely to work.

All the best-

LvWrAM123--Thank you for your input. "Managing" an addiction would first require someone to acknowledge they have an addiction. In the case of my young cousin, he's willing to admit he "makes bad decisions when he drinks" and he has "addictive tendencies" but continues to abuse/use a variety of substances. His mother has enabled him for years and continues to do so, although she acknowledges he has a "substance abuse problem".

As for our part? My husband and I have sufficiently communicated our concern/regard. What else can we "do"?

Be kind, be compassionate, but mostly be patient with your cousin. She'll have to come around on her terms on how to manage her life, and it may not be what you and your husband would like her to do.

And that can be frustrating. But it is what it is, and you have to remember that you're not paying a price. Your cousin is.

Zoso--"But it is what it is." Yes, a harsh reality. Along with kindness, compassion and patience, I would add acceptance (not to be confused with enabling), availability and clear/consistent boundaries.

Due to our similarities in personality and spousal choice, my challenge is to demonstrate the virtues listed above without becoming enmeshed. Been there, done that. Not good.

So, I'm here to learn.