smc92va

I find myself this Sunday morning wrestling with a question that I'm sure so many others here have asked as well. For those of you that have read my previous posts, you know that the recovering addict in my current situation ended our relationship/friendship Thursday night. After reconnecting after 17 years, I felt a real connection with him and had pondered over the soul mate question and that my Higher Power must have a reason for reconnecting us after so many years. I now know that while my recovering addict may have genuinely felt the love he told me he had for me, that it was unrealistic to think he was capable of the kinda love I know and deserve. We reconnected when he was 6 months sober back in May and I think he was experiencing something called the pink cloud syndrome. I believed his feelings to be true bc when I knew him before, addiction had not affected his mind, body and soul yet. He is the 2nd addict I have willingly chose to get involved with, which now makes me aware that I have some serious issues to work on as normal, healthy people to not chose to be in romantic relationships with addicts. I think my involvement stems from the fact that I lost my brother to an OxyContin overdose 8 yrs ago and I feel like if I can love these addicts enough that it will somehow bring closure to losing my brother. My reasonable brain knows this is not possible as love is not enough and has never cured anyone's addiction or caused any addict to stay sober.

The question I'm wrestling with this morning is can an addict or recovering addict ever truly be lovable and fully emotionally available? In my belief system, my Higher Power is kind, loving, nice. How then can he allow a disease like addiction to exist which literally seems to rob people of their soul, their feelings, their empathy and their ability to give and receive love? I re-read the sticky "What addicts do" several times this morning. Is an addicts first and foremost love always there drug of choice? Even in recovery is it always the first thing on their list, to where all others who love the addict come below it? It seems so unfair that my God would create something that completely robs a person of a normal existence here on earth. I'm very sad this morning because of wrestling with these thoughts. I would really appreciate any input anyone has on this subject. I'm so glad I found SR and I thank all of you again for sharing your stories here as they have comforted my soul in a way nothing else to date has.

TimeHeals831

Everything you've just mentioned has been running through my head all week. Maybe even longer subconsciously. I've been with my girlfriend for a year and a half and we've had some beautiful and amazing times together and we've also had dark and scary times. I like to think that in most ways I'm her better half and she's my better half... When her addict part of her brain is taking over herself. I'm still new to all of this, but I have faith that everyone is capable of being loved, and I love her more than anything but I think the real lesson is for her to work on herself and her recovery before love can be a first priority.

Sorry if I'm a little all over the place, still trying to process everything myself :/

mfanch

The question I'm wrestling with this morning is can an addict or recovering addict ever truly be lovable and fully emotionally available? YES

How then can he allow a disease like addiction to exist which literally seems to rob people of their soul, their feelings, their empathy and their ability to give and receive love? We humans like to judge things. Addiction "is". It is what it is. It is we who want to categorize everything as bad, good, or otherwise. Addiction was the best thing that ever happened to me. Because through overcoming it, I have found redemption and a dimension of living I never knew existed. In recovery I have found the ability to love and be loved on a level that is indescribable. I don't regret my past and I use it to help other suffering addicts.

Is an addicts first and foremost love always there drug of choice? NO

LastMistake

I hesitate to say that someone is ever truly unlovable. Your point about emotional availability seems very valid. I know that, in terms of what I am going through, I can't afford to offer others much more at this point. I need all of my strength for myself and until I can get to where I want to be I know I will have trouble being strong for others. After all, failing those we love, for me, is a huge trigger.

It's ok to be sad! Good for you for admitting your feeling these ways. I'd say the worst thing you could do would be to sit there by yourself and feel like there is no one to turn to.

smc92va

TimeHeals- I'm all over the place too. I go from feeling free and hopeful about finally being ready to work on myself, to the feeling of overwhelming sadness and heartache, thinking I'll never see this recovering addict that ended things on Thursday night ever again. This is a very real possibility given that he lives in Boston and I live in North Carolina. We reconnected through FB and after he ended things on Thursday night, he deleted our "friendship" on FB and even went so far as to block me! I rarely post on FB and rarely looked at his page even when we were together so this move on his part is quite hurtful and has left me second guessing myself and doubting my sanity. Even though someone on here pointed out that the most likely reason he did this was because of the shame he feels in ending things the way he did when he knows he came on so strong and basically used me to suit his needs leaving me to fall deeply in love with him when all along he was himself quite emotionally unavailable. We he initially contacted me in May, I even questioned him on whether or not our reconnection was a good idea being that he was in the early stages of recovery and I had always heard that recovering addicts should not enter into romantic endeavors during the first year of recovery. He convinced me that everyone's recovery path was different and that he truly loved and cared for me and that we were in fact soulmates and our reconnection after 17 yrs was a gift from God. He paid for me to come to Boston and planned a wonderful 5 day vacation for us in Cape Cod. This was in July. After my return to NC, he slowly but surely began to back away and become distant and on Thursday he ended everything in a text saying very truthfully that he was not ready for what I had to offer, he didn't know what changed in him but he was not emotionally available to give me the kind of love I gave him and the kind of love I deserved. Earlier in our conversations -we were both so hopeful and agreed that the next year in our life where we would have to love each other at a distance was a gift from God bc it would allow him to work on himself and his recovery and me to work on some of my issues. I started going to Nar-Anon meetings on my own decision early in our reconnection to ensure I was taking care of myself and in doing so was doing what would be best to support him in his recovery. He was very supportive of my efforts in this area and profusely thanked me for being so strong, supportive and balanced.
I feel very lost emotionally now in a way I never have before and question if anything he told me or did that showed he loved me was genuine and true. I question whether this is the end of our story for now or the end of our story for good in this lifetime. I really feel that it is the end of our story for good and that hurts my soul beyond belief. I find myself angry at my higher power at times asking how could he take away so many people I haved loved throughout my life to the disease of addiction. I also find myself getting angry and almost jealous of the addict bc he has so much support surrounding him through his sober house, sponsors, people in his 12 step group and in no way can he feel as abounded and alone as I do at the present time. Being so new to Nar-Anon, I have yet to get a sponsor and have no one that I feel close enough to that I could share this awful heartbreak and experience with. I would wish this experience on no one, not even on my worst enemy so I also find that I am very angry at myself for allowing me to get involved in the first place. I hope and pray that this gets better and that I can eventually find the peace, serenity and happiness I so long for

smc92va

mfanch your post brings hope back into my spectrum of feelings thank you

smc92va

And LastMistake- your post really helps me not to take my recovering addicts choice personally and understand that recovery has to sometime be a bit selfish. I really am thankful for finding the SR board. The kindness and insight here offered by complete strangers has helped in ways I can not even put into words yet. It has restored my faith in the human process, existence and struggle and humanity itself.

LastMistake

"I feel very lost emotionally now in a way I never have before and question if anything he told me or did that showed he loved me was genuine and true."

I know for a fact I've thought this, if not said this same exact thing. My last relationship ended terribly, and I know that alcohol and drugs played a role in it coming apart. What was worse was my best friend had an accident not may weeks later and has been in a wheelchair since.

What finally worked for me with all of these questions of what does it mean is simply, we don't have to have the answers to start moving forward. It just takes some faith.

Stay strong!

mfanch

You are welcome1! Thank you for your kind words. I relate to your post as I have had those questions myself. When I was using, I felt no hope that I could ever get clean, STAY clean, and be/find/whatever happiness or feel loved or a "part of" anything. I was living in a parallel reality....just me and my drug.

Addiction wants me dead and I didn't want to die. Not yet. Not like THIS. I completely gave myself to those who could help me, but it took me a long road and a lot of suffering to get there and be READY.

I'm glad you are here. There IS hope and help out there. SR truly is a great place to come and learn and feel like we aren't all alone in this.

Vale

They use us. It hurts. Alot. That's why we come here.

Let me tell you a little secret learned from a long, happy life.
"The one" is a pickup line. It is playing on the emotions of another.
It is feigning a persona in order to achieve an end.

"The one" is bullcrap. The real deal is something else again.
The real deal is someone who brings CASH to the bank (relationship),
not just bushells of empty promises. NOT someone who makes only
withdrawals and NEVER real deposits.

People get "addicted" to the concept of "the one". It makes them
supremely vulnerable targets......low hanging fruit easily harvested
(or stolen).

God forbid we should ever let "the one" go! They are of such VITAL
importance that to let them go is a fate worse that death. We will make
any sacrifice, overlook any negative data........we become addicted.

And addicted is a damned miserable place to be.For them. For us.

"The one" is a con game. The real deal is.......REAL. In the meanwhile------
being alone (and primed for a HEALTHY relationship) is far, Far, FAR preferable
to being a mark.

DON'T be angry with yourself. Make positive changes that short circuit a negative
pattern.

smc92va

Vale- I hope through this process and the lessons it is bringing me that I can grow until a spiritually strong individual who loves herself enough to receive "the real deal". I'm ashamed of myself for just now starting to figure this out at 39. I so badly want this "real" love you speak off and I know I have to do the necessary work on myself in order to achieve that. Right now that seems so very scary, arduous and overwhelming, but also completely necessary. Loving, or believing I loved someone who is tormented by the disease of addiction has really messed up my heart, mind and soul- and currently I feel very sad and broken

miamifella

C

miamifella

I think it is unwise to reconnect with someone you had a relationship with while they were in active addiction. The pattern of the relationship is established and it is hard to change it to a better one.

It is generally recommend that addicts do not start relationships in the first year of recovery because ( as you learned) they cannot handle it on top of the other changes in their life.

Deciding that some group is lovable or unlovable or that someone is a soul mate or not is a way to avoid taking a real look at an individual's actions, so you can evaluate them and decide if this is what you want.

This is something we all go through and learn from.

smc92va

maimifella- I never knew this person as an addict. When we met we were 20 and unscathed by life. In the 17 years we were apart is when his heroin addiction took over his life and soul. I guess that was why I had the audacity of now I see very misguided hope

smc92va

And yes, unfortunately and fortunately I'm learning quite a bit of life's hard lessons through this experience. I guess I should have phrased my question a little better- what I am really trying to figure out is if any of what he did or said was genuine or true or was he just feigning for a bit as addicts do when he said he loved me, and cared for me at a very deep level. I guess I can sorta answer my own question by saying that he did not really feel those emotions because in order to feel them sincerely he would have to love himself and in early recovery from 15 years of heroin addiction, that seems to be simply not possible😔

Vale

Loving, or believing I loved someone who is tormented by the disease of addiction has really messed up my heart, mind and soul- and currently I feel very sad and broken
==================
We understand......we really do.
Sad and broken HURTS. But at least YOU have the
courage to face real, raw, human emotions---and not
run and hide from them .

THAT is called GUTS.

miamifella

If he did not tell you he was in recovery when you reconnected, that shows a level of dishonesty that goes beyond addiction. That is kind of a big thing that had to be said when it seemed that the relationship was moving in a romantic direction.

I know this does not make you feel better, but it sounds like you had a lucky escape.

smc92va

maimifella- he told me he was in recovery but I was not educated to what that meant exactly. I guess now I am😔

smc92va

And another person on SB also said I was lucky "to get thrown off the horse early" too. I think when my heart mends a little I will be able to really digest and resonate the same sentiment. I am going to continue to go to Nar-Anon meetings regularly even though I no longer have an affected other in my life. I think the work that I will continue to do on myself there will help me heal.

ang3line

No such thing as unlovable. Only people who can't love. I know that relationship all too well.