It is hard to leave
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 1
It is hard to leave
I have spent four years trying to love someone with a severe habit and I am to the point I have to finally walk away. I wrote a letter and put a lot of effort into it please read it. I would love comments and such. Here its is(a lot of emotion and anger was put into this):
dear addict,
In the beginning I had fortunate bliss and a promising future with a guy who wanted to stop his impending and unerring instinct for the expedient. In a fairytale this is how it is when you find the one who is worthy of the title soulmate. For a girl like me this was the whole enchilada, the real deal, the solution, the total package. It is great and it was like finding the holy grail. But real life has supersede this fairy tale and that is why I am writing this. I now know that real life can two things to you: create miracles or make mincemeat out of your plans. When you think your dreams are coming true, I know now to get those plans laminated in black and white and never take a verbal promise seriously, or worse to heart. Reality hit me first when I considered the volatility of my personality and my sensitivity of my spiritual and emotional personality that I really need a strong balancing force that you confidently swore you could handle and wanted.
I really want to forgive and forget but forgiveness is an extremely difficult gift to give someone who has never been open to receiving or giving it back. You pretend to be the victim in front of everyone else in order to get the things that you want . You tell me and others that you are having such a hard time because of me and my attitude. You use me to justify the reason you do drugs and the reason you are stressed. You have a different set of principles for you and me and then you blame it on me when I do something you do and use an excuse like “its the way that you go about doing things.” I do not know how to communicate with you at all what so ever anymore. Your smug, flighty, selfish and brooding and isolative and I am not sure if you realize the devastation that you cause someone who loves you. This is my last attempt to get through to you. This is my final destination with you if you choose to continue down this inevitably destructive pathway. So you don’t feel like I am attacking you…I am rude, vindictive, overwhelming, pessimistic, racist, unforgiving, cruel, depressing, uncapable stupid and naïve, and a ******* girl who moonlights as a doormate. I “attack” myself as well for being all these things, but I accept my faults and I would want someone to call me out on them if I am regurgitating all of these negative attributes onto them, I would want to know how my actions cause others to feel devastated or what has caused me to act out in such a distasteful fashion.
I oppose your views all of the time, as you do to mine. We both always want to do something that’s against one another’s wishes. Instead of just accepting the difference in opinion and views we fight and I give in and I feel like I am now believing that I am wrong and you are right. I don’t like being told that I am wrong and neither do you and I forced into battling it out because I want to agree to disagree and work it out with you in a way that is healthy but that would mean not always getting what you want. When I take a stand and try to talk to you, which then turns into arguing with you, you refuse to listen and work through it because that would mean not getting what you want even though you know it is not for the best for you, me, and our relationship. This is not to say that you never listen because you have broke down before and given me the promises that you will change and work on this relationship but only if you get what you want still. I always end up giving in to what you want, your happiness. I want to make you happy but I have been proven time and time again incapable or unwilling because I am only one person and I cant create happiness on both ends without the someone on the other side who is as dedicated or willing to give them happiness in return.
You say that I knew who you were when I got with you. Well this may shock but NO I didn’t. I didn’t know you were a trust fund baby, or that you had been doing cocaine for 15 years on and off, I didn’t know that such severe problems with drug use and with porn. I was lead by you to believe that you had just ****** up for a minute and started using drugs casually and sold a twenty here or there. I knew nothing of your past and slowly you let onto it after you had courted me and made me fall for you. You were going to rehab and you made it seem like you were really the one for me and you were until the little problems manifested and the truth came out. I love you and so I had hope. I thought that maybe now that we had each other we could have the life people dream. We certainly are capable of that. I had hope and faith and so much love for you that I would do anything for you and always stay loyal and by your side. I gave in to things I never wanted to and I have ended up with shattered heart and resentment for loving someone that only cares about himself and what he wants that he could promise me day in and day out that things will get better and that he is really over it this time.
I am naïve and I always have been. I am a fool and a hopeless romantic and I feel head over heels for you right in the very beginning. I stuck through it and I am still here sticking through it. I am young and you say that I behave like a child, well in a sense yes I do. I am a girl who was raised properly and yes I had done drugs in the past but they were not always there and I never took them everyday until my Carl’s pathetic relapse. I divorced him because of that. Because I thought all of it was a big joke and I never in my envisioned that I spend the better part of the next four years living that with someone who I thought cared enough and wanted to be with me enough to not have to continue living like. Well I am naïve and I was dumb and I got caught up with you and I was taking in the honeymoon. I woke the **** up for a few brief moments and realized what I had really gotten myself into and that when I started to care and took a stand and started being the ugly bitch to that I am today. All I ever wanted is what I was lead to believe I could have had with you in the beginning and I have been fighting for that and hoping and waiting for that everyday. I am not a patient person and now I have issues with one more time.
All I ever wanted from you is what you told me that I could have and what you promised me in the beginning. I have never had that and I am sick and tired(literally) of trying to get that from you. I am at a loss for how to live like this with you. I want to be with you and I want to love you and I want to believe in you. But I can’t keep destroying any hope at a future or happiness with someone who only achieves to one day stop, when he is damn well ready. You have so many talents and qualities that set you far apart from anyone and for some unfortunate genetic coding you cannot help the fact that cocaine takes precedence for spans of time in your life. You don’t realize that I made promises to stick by you and love you and it is really hard to do that to someone who is not the person you thought they were. I am unhappy and dissatisfied and hurt and angry. These are things that will not go away for me until you cut the ******** and decide what the hell you think that you are doing with me. Is it just another mistake that we made getting together or did it ever actually have any validity ot future?
If you want a life with me then decide now. Stop putting things off, stop excusing, and justifying your habits. I can’t do this anymore. I cannot sacrifice my happiness for the false hope and promises that you are going to better and change. If you want a future with me then decide. You always get what you want. What is it that you want more? Follow through with me for once and decide indefinably and solidly. Or be vague and escape to your dark place where I won’t be here to question your life choices that effect your wellbeing and livelihood. You have a lot of opportunities and a lot of choices and I will be there if you want to stop being a drug addict and wasting away mentally and physically. I want a future with you. Women think about the future and that is just the way it is. So excuse me for having my significant others best and healthiest future in mind. You are 34 its time you start to think about your future as well and whether you want to die or do the same **** and pull the same crap you have in your past and not have me to be there hating things that harbor your potential to exist abundantly. I wish for you to love me as you say you do and stop treating me like a child with no respect who nags and begs to get some attention. I knew what I wanted when I set out to be in this relationship with you and now my future is unclear and I live in a state of unsure overwhelming hope that I have no choice but to mask with resentment and doubt due to the constant betrayal from omission and abandonment. More or less I have exhausted my writing abilities to their finest with the t confidence that these words will make complete sense and hit precisely the right notes this time because I have run out of will to try and outwardly express them through orally communication. I hope that you will agree that I write well and with ample skill, and that it is resonant and effective to communicate the things that I have desperately tried to do in a standard oral tradition and desperately failed you, my audience, in the past.
I am not asking you to sacrifice the freedom you need or to pin you down. I am asking that you decided if you can change and be the jack of all trades with me or the master of none. I cant keep up with this frenzy that has consumed this relationship as well as both of us. You get what you want and I will accept it without a fight and move on in which ever direction has a future for me. I have stuck by you and I am not happy living like this and I just want to know if you are willing and have it in you to stick by me now. You shut me out in Vegas and never been willing to let me back in.You shut me out in Vegas and broke my heart and I have been fighting really hard to get back in. Emotional Distance leads to abandonment and lack of balance leads to oscillating minds. I hope that this was enough to get you to see what I am struggling with and why I am not happy. I feel like I have made you feel encumbered in this relationship and I am not able to provide constant stimulation that you require. I am sorry for the stress that I have had no choice but to reflect back onto you for it is the only way that I can express my feelings when you have neglected to consider why I act and behave the way that I do and why my attitude no longer fluctuates to induce positive vibes. You feel that I am not putting in the effort to make you feel loved and adored anymore and that’s all I want to do but your attention has gone elsewere making that a struggle for me. I love you and you will do as you please with the regard you see as fitting.
If you made it through this novel in this state of putting your life on track and keeping yourself super busy, do me a favor, when you decide that you have had enough of the current charade and you sleep and that hardware in your brain is rewired and damn well ready to face reality without chemical warfare, please reread this and see if you still take the same thing away from it.
dear addict,
In the beginning I had fortunate bliss and a promising future with a guy who wanted to stop his impending and unerring instinct for the expedient. In a fairytale this is how it is when you find the one who is worthy of the title soulmate. For a girl like me this was the whole enchilada, the real deal, the solution, the total package. It is great and it was like finding the holy grail. But real life has supersede this fairy tale and that is why I am writing this. I now know that real life can two things to you: create miracles or make mincemeat out of your plans. When you think your dreams are coming true, I know now to get those plans laminated in black and white and never take a verbal promise seriously, or worse to heart. Reality hit me first when I considered the volatility of my personality and my sensitivity of my spiritual and emotional personality that I really need a strong balancing force that you confidently swore you could handle and wanted.
I really want to forgive and forget but forgiveness is an extremely difficult gift to give someone who has never been open to receiving or giving it back. You pretend to be the victim in front of everyone else in order to get the things that you want . You tell me and others that you are having such a hard time because of me and my attitude. You use me to justify the reason you do drugs and the reason you are stressed. You have a different set of principles for you and me and then you blame it on me when I do something you do and use an excuse like “its the way that you go about doing things.” I do not know how to communicate with you at all what so ever anymore. Your smug, flighty, selfish and brooding and isolative and I am not sure if you realize the devastation that you cause someone who loves you. This is my last attempt to get through to you. This is my final destination with you if you choose to continue down this inevitably destructive pathway. So you don’t feel like I am attacking you…I am rude, vindictive, overwhelming, pessimistic, racist, unforgiving, cruel, depressing, uncapable stupid and naïve, and a ******* girl who moonlights as a doormate. I “attack” myself as well for being all these things, but I accept my faults and I would want someone to call me out on them if I am regurgitating all of these negative attributes onto them, I would want to know how my actions cause others to feel devastated or what has caused me to act out in such a distasteful fashion.
I oppose your views all of the time, as you do to mine. We both always want to do something that’s against one another’s wishes. Instead of just accepting the difference in opinion and views we fight and I give in and I feel like I am now believing that I am wrong and you are right. I don’t like being told that I am wrong and neither do you and I forced into battling it out because I want to agree to disagree and work it out with you in a way that is healthy but that would mean not always getting what you want. When I take a stand and try to talk to you, which then turns into arguing with you, you refuse to listen and work through it because that would mean not getting what you want even though you know it is not for the best for you, me, and our relationship. This is not to say that you never listen because you have broke down before and given me the promises that you will change and work on this relationship but only if you get what you want still. I always end up giving in to what you want, your happiness. I want to make you happy but I have been proven time and time again incapable or unwilling because I am only one person and I cant create happiness on both ends without the someone on the other side who is as dedicated or willing to give them happiness in return.
You say that I knew who you were when I got with you. Well this may shock but NO I didn’t. I didn’t know you were a trust fund baby, or that you had been doing cocaine for 15 years on and off, I didn’t know that such severe problems with drug use and with porn. I was lead by you to believe that you had just ****** up for a minute and started using drugs casually and sold a twenty here or there. I knew nothing of your past and slowly you let onto it after you had courted me and made me fall for you. You were going to rehab and you made it seem like you were really the one for me and you were until the little problems manifested and the truth came out. I love you and so I had hope. I thought that maybe now that we had each other we could have the life people dream. We certainly are capable of that. I had hope and faith and so much love for you that I would do anything for you and always stay loyal and by your side. I gave in to things I never wanted to and I have ended up with shattered heart and resentment for loving someone that only cares about himself and what he wants that he could promise me day in and day out that things will get better and that he is really over it this time.
I am naïve and I always have been. I am a fool and a hopeless romantic and I feel head over heels for you right in the very beginning. I stuck through it and I am still here sticking through it. I am young and you say that I behave like a child, well in a sense yes I do. I am a girl who was raised properly and yes I had done drugs in the past but they were not always there and I never took them everyday until my Carl’s pathetic relapse. I divorced him because of that. Because I thought all of it was a big joke and I never in my envisioned that I spend the better part of the next four years living that with someone who I thought cared enough and wanted to be with me enough to not have to continue living like. Well I am naïve and I was dumb and I got caught up with you and I was taking in the honeymoon. I woke the **** up for a few brief moments and realized what I had really gotten myself into and that when I started to care and took a stand and started being the ugly bitch to that I am today. All I ever wanted is what I was lead to believe I could have had with you in the beginning and I have been fighting for that and hoping and waiting for that everyday. I am not a patient person and now I have issues with one more time.
All I ever wanted from you is what you told me that I could have and what you promised me in the beginning. I have never had that and I am sick and tired(literally) of trying to get that from you. I am at a loss for how to live like this with you. I want to be with you and I want to love you and I want to believe in you. But I can’t keep destroying any hope at a future or happiness with someone who only achieves to one day stop, when he is damn well ready. You have so many talents and qualities that set you far apart from anyone and for some unfortunate genetic coding you cannot help the fact that cocaine takes precedence for spans of time in your life. You don’t realize that I made promises to stick by you and love you and it is really hard to do that to someone who is not the person you thought they were. I am unhappy and dissatisfied and hurt and angry. These are things that will not go away for me until you cut the ******** and decide what the hell you think that you are doing with me. Is it just another mistake that we made getting together or did it ever actually have any validity ot future?
If you want a life with me then decide now. Stop putting things off, stop excusing, and justifying your habits. I can’t do this anymore. I cannot sacrifice my happiness for the false hope and promises that you are going to better and change. If you want a future with me then decide. You always get what you want. What is it that you want more? Follow through with me for once and decide indefinably and solidly. Or be vague and escape to your dark place where I won’t be here to question your life choices that effect your wellbeing and livelihood. You have a lot of opportunities and a lot of choices and I will be there if you want to stop being a drug addict and wasting away mentally and physically. I want a future with you. Women think about the future and that is just the way it is. So excuse me for having my significant others best and healthiest future in mind. You are 34 its time you start to think about your future as well and whether you want to die or do the same **** and pull the same crap you have in your past and not have me to be there hating things that harbor your potential to exist abundantly. I wish for you to love me as you say you do and stop treating me like a child with no respect who nags and begs to get some attention. I knew what I wanted when I set out to be in this relationship with you and now my future is unclear and I live in a state of unsure overwhelming hope that I have no choice but to mask with resentment and doubt due to the constant betrayal from omission and abandonment. More or less I have exhausted my writing abilities to their finest with the t confidence that these words will make complete sense and hit precisely the right notes this time because I have run out of will to try and outwardly express them through orally communication. I hope that you will agree that I write well and with ample skill, and that it is resonant and effective to communicate the things that I have desperately tried to do in a standard oral tradition and desperately failed you, my audience, in the past.
I am not asking you to sacrifice the freedom you need or to pin you down. I am asking that you decided if you can change and be the jack of all trades with me or the master of none. I cant keep up with this frenzy that has consumed this relationship as well as both of us. You get what you want and I will accept it without a fight and move on in which ever direction has a future for me. I have stuck by you and I am not happy living like this and I just want to know if you are willing and have it in you to stick by me now. You shut me out in Vegas and never been willing to let me back in.You shut me out in Vegas and broke my heart and I have been fighting really hard to get back in. Emotional Distance leads to abandonment and lack of balance leads to oscillating minds. I hope that this was enough to get you to see what I am struggling with and why I am not happy. I feel like I have made you feel encumbered in this relationship and I am not able to provide constant stimulation that you require. I am sorry for the stress that I have had no choice but to reflect back onto you for it is the only way that I can express my feelings when you have neglected to consider why I act and behave the way that I do and why my attitude no longer fluctuates to induce positive vibes. You feel that I am not putting in the effort to make you feel loved and adored anymore and that’s all I want to do but your attention has gone elsewere making that a struggle for me. I love you and you will do as you please with the regard you see as fitting.
If you made it through this novel in this state of putting your life on track and keeping yourself super busy, do me a favor, when you decide that you have had enough of the current charade and you sleep and that hardware in your brain is rewired and damn well ready to face reality without chemical warfare, please reread this and see if you still take the same thing away from it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Over here
Posts: 27
I'm sorry you are feeling so heart broken and hurt and angry. It isn't easy and all the hoping and wishing seems to prolong our enavitable.
I just want to mention a few things. For me, I realized that forgiveness isn't for him. Forgiveness is for me. When I forgave him, for me it meant I let go of the anger and hate so it isn't in my heart. My xABF didn't ask for an apology but I forgive him because I don't want to be an angry person. I don't want to carry that in me or bring it to any other relationships I have. Don't get me wrong I still miss him, I forgave him but I will not forget all that has happened.
"If you want a life with me then decide now." You gave him that power. You don't have to wait on him to decide. You have the power to decide whether you want to continue on this life with him the way that it is or work on yourself and move on forward in life with or without him. This is your life that you have control over and you have the right to live your life as you want just like he has the right to choose how he wants to live his life.
One of the many things I've learnt here is I cannot wish or want something for someone else. They have to want or wish it for themselves.
I send you a hug and I hope and wish that you find clarity and strength and wisdom to do what is best for you. I'm sure some one will come along with more wisdom and experience then me.
I just want to mention a few things. For me, I realized that forgiveness isn't for him. Forgiveness is for me. When I forgave him, for me it meant I let go of the anger and hate so it isn't in my heart. My xABF didn't ask for an apology but I forgive him because I don't want to be an angry person. I don't want to carry that in me or bring it to any other relationships I have. Don't get me wrong I still miss him, I forgave him but I will not forget all that has happened.
"If you want a life with me then decide now." You gave him that power. You don't have to wait on him to decide. You have the power to decide whether you want to continue on this life with him the way that it is or work on yourself and move on forward in life with or without him. This is your life that you have control over and you have the right to live your life as you want just like he has the right to choose how he wants to live his life.
One of the many things I've learnt here is I cannot wish or want something for someone else. They have to want or wish it for themselves.
I send you a hug and I hope and wish that you find clarity and strength and wisdom to do what is best for you. I'm sure some one will come along with more wisdom and experience then me.
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