smc92va

I apologize in advance if this post stops making a lot of sense but last night and today have been 2 of the worst days of my life. In April I reconnected with someone I considered to be my first love of sorts after 17 years. While we were never intimate in our younger days, we stayed somewhat connected over the years and by his admission, we were each other's "the one you just can't forget". When I knew him in our younger years he had yet to battle addiction. I heard through mutual friends he had become addicted to heroin and it had plagued him on and off throughout his life. When he initiated contact through Facebook, he was honest and shared that he had recently relapsed and at that current time only had 6 months sober. We emailed, text and talked on the phone for two months and even though I had my reservations, which I verbalized to him(not establishing relationships in the first year of recovery, etc) he assured me that everyone's recovery was different and our conversations were wonderful and we even went as far as telling each other "I love you" my doubts quickly faded. He wanted to see me and I him so he paid for my plane ticket to Boston to visit at the end of July. He planned a wonderful long weekend trip to Cape Cod where we enjoyed a blissful sober mini vacation where we were intimate. After returning home to North Carolina the relationship went smoothly for another week or so and then he began to become distant, he's text and calls less frequent, etc. upon my return to NC I decided on my own to start attending Nar-Anon to help ensure I was healthy and to ensure I did what was best for him and his recovery process. Because I work in the film industry and will be working on a movie here on a film until next May- loving at a distance was our only choice and we both felt it was a gift from the universe as he needed the next year to go through his recovery process on his own. Then he pretty much did a 180 and stopped calling and texting etc. when I text him on Thursday night to enquire a little about the reason, he very coldly and methodically responded that he could not do this right now, he was not emotionally available and severed all contact with me. Including blocking me on FB, which I rarely if ever post on or look at. He knows the pain I have suffered bc of addiction as I lost my only sibling to a drug overdose and an ex husband to alcoholism. His response was so cold in spite of knowing this as have his actions that followed. I never pushed anything or enable and honestly was fine with just remaining friends from afar over the next year or so. I feel heartbroken, used, manipulated and it has really drawn up sadness from old emotional wounds and scars. I don't understand and I can't seem to find comfort in anything including Al-anon or Nar-Anon. If anyone could explain or even just offer insight or some kind words or strategies for getting past this I would greatly appreciate it. I feel like my soul has been ripped out and the emotional pain that I'm currently feeling is beyond what I can put into words

smc92va

Any advice for someone Ladykiller that is not using her logical brain right now. I'm a "newbie" here and the am aware of how ridiculous I must sound bc the reasonable part of my brain tells me I'm lucky to have escaped this early but the pain in my heart doesn't seem to resonate the same sentiment right now

smc92va

Sorry I meant ladyscribbler- my brain is also very exhausted right now

ghosseir

My goodness..... Something exactly like this is going on in my life..... College boyfriend, knew him when he was sober, reconnected sfter many years, soul mate, i love you.... And then..... Distance, silence, reappearance. I cried many tears over this, believe me. I have no answers. I guess i think that he is really struggling with his sobriety and just can't handle all the emotions. My advice? Give him space, get support for yourself. I 'm sure he loved/loves you and meant everything in the moment but at this time he can't handle whwt you have to offer and backed away. Kind of like staring at the sun. Too much for him....

Self care. That is what you should focus on for now. And God, i know how heartbreaking it is to just not know.... I feel what you are feeling.

At the end of the day, to quote a song titled "Teardrop"

Love is a verb.
Love is a doing word.

smc92va

I think that is exactly what is going on. Thank you for sharing your story - I feel pretty alone in this process- I've been attending Nar-Anon but I don't have a sponsor yet and could really use one. I'm going to continue to work on myself and I'm in no way contacting him because I care about him so very much and would not want to do anything to jeopardize his recovery and sobriety. I just have this lingering sadness ....kinda like I know I'll probably never hear from him again��

ghosseir

I hear you.

Especially the part about not hearing from him again. After all, we are not nearby, and unless you know people that know him, you don't get to hear second hand what might be happening. It is maddening.

This is not something that is under our control. It may be a cliche', but really, time makes things a little bit easier.

Be well. Try to look forward to life, with or without him. Easier said than done, i know...

ghosseir

Forgot to mention... One of the reasons he may be distancing himself is.... Shame. That is a biggie in the addiction game.

mfanch

He is acting exactly like an addict would. Also, we HAVE to change or we keep attracting/being attracted to the same type of person (ie repeating a pattern).

Doing the steps in your program (alanon/naranon) is the best thing you can do for yourself and for him. Let go of the outcome.

Every pot has a lid. We keep getting with the the same lid unless we change.

I am sober from the needle and also am married to a recovered person (so have experience with both sides).

Glad you are here.

smc92va

Thank you/ I'm starting to work the steps and I really hope they help. I really enjoy my Nar-Anon group and have learned a great deal in the short time I've been attending. I hope that working the steps helps to make situations dealing with addiction a little less painful. Thank you for sharing. It is comforting and inspiring to hear from other people that have been through similar situations.

zoso77

Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what has brought you here, but I'm thankful that you found us and took the time to post. As you can see, others have responded, so I guess it's my turn.

Well, there's a few things going on here. The first thing that stands out is you gave yourself permission to get involved with an addict without fully understanding what you were dealing with. And now you've seen up and close and personal what you're dealing with.

Addicts do not make good romantic partners because they have nothing to give emotionally. They can feign it for a while, but when push comes to shove and they're expected to be responsible partners, they can't do it.

As for his U-Turn, I would do your best not to personalize it. He's an addict, and this is what addicts do. The truth is as much as you're hurting right now, he's done you a favor. If you read enough posts here and you read about how many women try to ride it out with their husbands or boyfriends, most of the time it doesn't end well. In your case, you got thrown off the horse early. Take advantage of this and allow yourself to heal and to move on from this experience. While emotional pain absolutely sucks (and I do empathize with you), it's only pain and it won't kill us.

Take care of yourself. And again, Welcome to the Board.

smc92va

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. This board has been such an affirmation in the kindness of strangers and the comfort they can offer. My reasonable brain agrees whole heartedly with being lucky for getting "thrown off the horse early", this experienced coupled with my previous experiences with addicts has finally forced my to look inward at 40(slow learner here;-) and realize it was where the answers were all along. While the spiritual awakening of self exploration can be a joyful and enlightening one, it can also be quite painful. As I am just embarking on this voyage, I'm at the very painful point. I know it will get better, and I'm trying very, very hard to be present, live moment by moment and one day at a time. I can not thank all of you enough who posted replies. It really is helping restore my faith in humanity