Lilly2014

I ended my engagement with my alcoholic addict a month and a half ago. We were together for three years. When I started dating me he had a year 4 months sober. Everything was wonderful the first few months but he became emotionally abusive. Then he didn't want to go to family gatherings. If we were at my family we had to leave after an hour. At that time he was not drinking or using. After living with him for over a year he relapsed after being sober for two years and seven months. I was devastated I called the cops because he was pushing and shubbing me and emotionally abusive he went to jail. He asked me for forgiveness and I forgave him. He had violated probation for the 4th time. He had legal issues in two counties. He went to live in a sober facility after a week from being released from jail. One of the counties he had the legal issues sentenced him to house arrest at the sober facility. He had been in the sober facility for seven months when the judge of the other county sentenced him to prison. I stayed and supported him. We were finally able to live together again after a year and 8 months. He swore to me that he was done with drugs and alcohol I told him if he did it again I was leaving. After a week of living together again he relapsed. Everything was set to start a new beginning we both had great jobs. I moved out as soon as I saw him drunk and high. He left me alone and I my recovery was going great. I purchased a new car and looking to buy a house. I had blocked his number because I was done. He ended up emailing me every 15 min for days. I did not respond and he started calling with different numbers leaving me emails even through LinkedIn. I finally emailed him back and had been franked with him that I am moving on and don't want to be with anymore. He emailed me he was back in recovery with a new sponsor. Did not want alcohol or drugs and wanted us to marry immediately and get started on having a baby and sharing a bank account that I would manage. That he is sorry etc. I emailed back saying it was I over to focus on his recovery and stop trying to contact me that the relationship is over because of him. But I feel sorry for him I still love him but love myself too and can not continue to be living that miserable life. I don't know why I feel guilty and like a jerk for standing up for myself. I am new here any advice?

suki44883

He's playing on your sympathy. That's all it is. You are a caring person and he knows that. He thinks if he says the right things, or what he thinks you want to hear, that you'll come back. Of course, it would be a disaster. Wants to marry immediately and have a baby?? How cliche. Some men think that's all a woman needs to hear and she'll fall right into his arms. I'd consider than an insult. Pffftt...

AnvilheadII

After a week of living together again he relapsed

this.

ladyscribbler

He sounds like an abusive mess, whether drunk or sober, definitely not husband and father material. No contact seems best and safest. Feeling guilty for standing up for yourself against abuse means that you might benefit from some counseling or Alanon meetings before you get into another relationship. Spend some quality time working on you, build your self esteem back up. I know my self esteem was basically zero after five years with an abusive alcoholic. Working on me has been very rewarding. Hugs.

Ann

You are already sooooo much on the right track, I know it has been painful for you but the pain of staying is much greater than the pain of leaving when addiction is active and recovery is only a temporary solution.

A healthy man doesn't text every 15 minutes for days and make promises that he cannot keep...even to himself.

I hope he really does reach out for help...to the people who can help him most, his sponsor and meeting friends.

You are wise to keep moving on, it's hard to look back and watch someone we love self-destruct, it's hard to let go of the dreams of what might have been...but they are no longer what they were and new beginnings await you. Keep walking girl, you are doing the healthy and right thing.

Hugs

Pia

Its hard to make our minds over and stick to it. We see only Hope sometimes.

Picture your self with someone that can give u all your dreams a reality. Yourself!!

zoso77

Welcome to the Board, Lily. I'm very glad you found us.

I know this is a difficult time. But whether you're fully aware of this or not, you've already done a lot of things you should be commended for. You've thrown down a pretty hard boundary with your AXBF by ending things. Of course, addicts and alcoholics have a hard time with boundaries, which is why he's continuing to pursue you although you've asked him to not do so.

It is highly probable, if not a certainty, that if you were to go back to him, you wouldn't experience more of the same with him. He will do and say anything to lure you back in. But he's not likely to change. So hold firm. Just because you love him doesn't mean you're supposed to be with him.

I encourage you to change your phone number and block all his attempts at electronic communication. And if you still do not feel safe after all of that, consider a RO. Don't play games. If you're done with him, be done.

Again, Welcome to the Board.

zoso77

Spelling mistake above:

atalose

A healthy relationship/marriage isn't built on empathy.

You fell in love with the wrong guy, we do that sometimes. Try and put all that empathy on you not him and know you made mistakes and learn from them.

When we know better we do better.

His behavior seems that of an active addict, his words are not matching up to his "crazy" actions.

History doesn't repeat itself people repeat history. He sounds like a cronic relapser and be thankful you were strong enough to walk away - now it's the staying away part you need to tidey up.

That DELETE button works wonders on your keyboard!!!!

ItsNowOrNever32

Hi Lilly .. I'm new to this board too, reading though the posts it seems were all reading from the same page.. how much are we willing to put up with and how many times do we continue to forgive? I suppose we all have different levels of forgiveness.. you should take comfort in the fact you've been strong and drawn the line.. so many people here will be wishing they were in the same position as you cos you've actually taken the step of removing yourself from his habit and his irratic behaviour
my OH is about to go into rehab if he doesn't finish the programme I'm seriously done with it.. stay strong life has so much to offer you, you've already said you've a new car and a new house is on the horizon I doubt this would be possible with this guy sounds like all he does is cause you aggravation and hassle (like mine!) we all have the tendency to feel sorry for them but at the end of the day it's their actions that are causing all the hurt.. I know there's someone out there who will love me 100% and how can we find the right man when we're stuck with the wrong one??
I'm going through the same right now (just like everyone else on this board) but we have to think of ourselves and let fate take it's course xx