scaredsister92

Tonight is hard. I feel so despicable because the one thing I've kept from everyone who knows about my sister's situation is that it's my fault. Whatever choices she made she only made because of the predicament I left her in.

I wasn't going to come to uni - I had my offer of a place but decided against coming. Then got my grades and with less than a month's notice I changed my mind and came. My family always fought, my sister against my parents. No fault or blame, just they can't communicate well. I always mediated. Blocked the door when she tried to leave. She was 16 at this point.

I left her in that situation. About two months after I moved she moved out into the town where she met a load of down and out druggie young adults. And here we are. She's been moved to the eating disorder unit, she is undergoing mental health assessment to determine whether or not she has borderline personality. She is in the worst situation because I left her at home when I should have been there for her.

Sorry, I just wanted to come clean because you've all given me so much love and sympathy and I really don't deserve it.

carguysgirl

I'm sorry but you're wrong. Your sisters choices are her own.
Many people myself included come from rough upbringings. We all make our choices.
Maybe your leaving brought the crisis to a head it needed to come to, maybe because of that shortening she will end up living, and returning to the living sooner rather than later.
We're all on our own path of learning lessons.
Be good to yourself.

Eddiebuckle

SS,

Please don't blame yourself for your sisters choices. How is it your responsibility to correct your family's tendency to fight or inability to communicate? You are not that powerful, and you are not at all culpable for the actions and decisions of others.

Have you ever attended an alanon meeting? It might give you a very different perspective on the situation.

SnoozyQ

SS, this is not your fault . It's life .

There are always changes and you cant live someone else's life for them .

Your sister has to work through this , just be there to support her and let her know you are there for her .

Good luck and much love xxxx

Ann

Sweetie, if blocking a door would stop them, not one of us would be here.

This is not your fault, she chose her path and nothing you did or did not do could have stopped her.

Maybe, just maybe, you helped her because she may hit her bottom faster the way she went.

However this plays out, it isn't your fault. We are powerless over the addiction of others. Sad, but that's just how it is.

Hugs

BlueChair

I think maybe you need to realize the environment you were both living in was unhealthy. It has had an impact on you too. At the time, you were making the best choices you could. How could you know your sister would reach out and get involved with the wrong group, and end up addicted. It sounds like she has other issues too. If you had stayed, there is no telling what might have happened. Your thinking it would have all been better, ok but something major still would have needed to change in the family dynamics. You were really a kid too, just because you turn 18 doesnt mean all the answers come all the sudden.

Ive read your postings and your being supportive to your sis, and it sounds like she holds you very close to her heart, so she knows your there for her. You cant go back, but you can keep working towards a better future. I hope the treatment she gets helps her, and they can stabilize the other conditions.

AnvilheadII

sweetheart, just as YOU made choices to get out and get on with your life, so could SHE. I started college at 16. I was an only child of a single parent living in a small town in SE Alaska on an island with 32 miles of road and only two ways off....by boat or plane.

and I had to get out as soon as I could or go crazy. I chose to go to college. sure I made a ton of mistakes along the way, throughout my life, but I am here today at 54 with a career of 22+ years, own my own home....happy joyous and free.

she has the same options. she is her own person. this is her life. however she chooses to live it. you are not responsible for her choices, how her life turned out.

if you had stayed......then you would not have the successes in your own precious life. as it was, her course was already underway...back when you were barricading the door so she could not leave.

you were never in charge of her life. SHE was. you could not change it, cure it, control, or change it. that was NEVER your job. your job is to live you own life as best as possible. that is why you are HERE.

ShootingStar1

Scared sister, you can love your sister, but you can't live her life for her.

That's one of the hardest things that I learned from having to leave my 20 year marriage. I had no right to demand that my then AH stop drinking. I had no right to try to "manage" his life so that it came out like I thought it should.

We are all separate people, no matter how much we love each other, and we can only live our own lives.

Feel sorrow, feel pain, feel loss; but not guilt. She made - and makes - her own choices.

Your sister is now getting the treatment she needs. She is being evaluated for mental health problems that NEED to be identified and treated. She is in an eating disorder ward where their purpose is to help her overcome her eating disorder.

She is not with your parents in the same unhealthy living situation. Barricading the door so she wouldn't have left would only have kept her in the same dark unhealthy way of life.

Now her problems are exposed to the light of day, and she has teams of professionals committed to helping her back to health and recovery.

I think you did her a favor; maybe her leaving home and getting in with this group of people was a cry for help that, since she was no longer barricaded in at home, people heard and responded to. Whether or not you think she shouldn't have left home to go live with this group of people, she managed to accomplish what she needs most: to get round the clock care from people who know how to keep her safe, get her into recovery, and teach her the life skills to live a much happier life than she had.

Guilt just saps our energy and takes our focus away from the real issues that we all need to look at and address.

Your job is to live your own life to the fullest, to be the most that you can be. And you'll be a model for your sister that someone can come out of that darkness and survive, and more than that, thrive.

Many hugs for you tonight and in the days to come. We are here for you just as people are there, now, for your sister.

ShootingStar1

jewel14

Everyone makes their own choices and a person who wants to use will do anything and find anyway to do it... Don't Blame yourself.

hopeful4

Honey, it is not your fault. When you have a child, it is your responsibility as a parent to protect them, love them, instill morals and judgement so they can go make good decisions on their own. Your parents did not do those things for her, so she is a mess. You as her sibling are not her parent. And had you not went out and lived your life the way you have, who would be there for either of you. You are a good and stable person. That is what she needs in her life. Had you not done what you did that may not be the person you are now.

Tight hugs. It sounds like she is getting some very real help, and that is a super great thing.

Sending you much Love and many Hugs!

zoso77

Time for some tough love, SS.

This is bullsh*t. You could not possibly be more wrong. You, me, your sister and everyone on this board make our own decisions. For good, or for ill.

And a big part of becoming a responsible adult is accepting responsibility for your choices. Part of that process is recognizing what is in your control, and what isn't. Your sister is not, never was, and never will be under your control. And for you to take the blame for her choices is letting her off the hook. That's not how it works, SS.