Learningtodeal

I've kicked him out (told him to leave, asked him to leave, whatever you want to call it). I found out that he went out last night and scored coke or something from his ex-girlfriend, no less. For all I know he's cheating on me, except he wasn't there long enough to have done it last night. And he wasn't alone when he went. No matter. I don't have the ability to even go there in my mind right now. I'm focused on the fact that he used again on top of what he was already using.

I've posted enough that I don't need to give the whole long story (feel free to look up the lengthy history), but the short version is that I have a boyfriend that I've refused to marry and have one child with him. He abused coke sporadically, then pain pills, then heroin, then suboxone (snorting and way overprescribed which has continued to happen without stop) and now is intermittently getting coke again which he did again last night. Long story, but I found out easily because I know him well, accused him, and he felt no choice but to admit it this morning. He's never done anything in front of our daughter, but she's smart and she's getting old enough to know that something isn't right and eventually she'll put the pieces together.

So, here I sit with him leaving and my daughter not understanding and me feeling torn apart inside. I'm not really even worried about missing him because that's how bad it's become. I'm worried about missing the money that he brings in and the rare help with home repairs (that I can't afford to pay someone to do) and the inevitability of selling the house and tearing up the life that we've provided for my daughter. I don't care about the material crap, the house can fall down for all I care. I just don't want this for her. So much is going to be upended because of this, which is why I've continued to put it off so long. Live in denial and hope that the problem fixes itself. Which is exactly what he's done in regard to his addiction. We're both guilty of doing the same thing, just in different ways. Now I have to face the piper except I have to do it sober and responsibly and with my eyes wide open. He gets to be... not sober. I wouldn't trade places with him for the world, don't get me wrong. I get the love my daughter and knowing that I did right by her even if she doesn't get it now. It just hurts. A lot.

Please be gentle with me and don't remind me of all that I've done wrong by staying this long and the possible damage that has already been inflicted or I was lucky to avoid. I don't need to get beat up anymore right now. I just need strength to know that I'm going to get through this and my daughter is going to get through this in one piece.

I didn't tell him it was over forever, but I did stay strong with making him leave and telling him he needs to get his crap figured out for a while before thinking about coming back. He's sober enough to not be completely numbed. I caught him crying by himself which I would believe was an act if he hadn't tried so hard to avoid letting me see him (yes, I'm an expert now and he's always lied but he's never been very good at it). I'm sure he's sad, because he's having to face consequences for once and he doesn't want to leave his daughter.

So, yes, I'm hoping that this helps him get it together. I know that I'm not "supposed" to hope for that I should be doing this so that I can get myself together. I shouldn't be holding out hope for him to change, just focus on changing myself. I get it. I just need to keep hearing it.

chicory

I'm sorry. I am not going to judge you, no one should. We are here to support each other.

I just want to say that you know that your little girl is seeing more and more, and it will affect her life.

I found it better to have a home where there was laughter, and security, than a home filled with arguing , tension, and distracted parenting on my part.

Material things will never replace peace of mind. You will be alright, on your own. People do it every day. IN ten years, if he hasn't changed, what will you have then, as far as a happy home life goes? What will your little girl be seeing then?

If he is going to get well, he will have to want it. Losing his family may be what inspires him.

I wish you the best. and I am sorry for your pain. Perhaps you can start thinking of a future with you and your daughter, and see what sort of dreams you might come up with. Peaceful and happy and free from the ugliness of drug addiction.

it takes courage and strength. you can get help with that. counselling, al-anon, SR, we will support you, and we understand. You have to do this on your own timeline.. no one can tell you when. YOu have to hit your bottom, I guess.

hugs,
chicory

Newbie1306

Oh another thing, we are off on a family holiday next Saturday to Spain. There is no way I am not taking my children on holiday and he won't not come. His mum and brother and children will also be on the holiday. What do I do to keep the distance? I was planning on telling him that he has to stay in his mums apartment

Newbie1306

Sorry I posted on the wrong thread x

Newbie1306

I don't have any advice I'm in a similar situation. It sucks... Sending you hugs and apologise for hijacking your thread x