My sister is an addict
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2
My sister is an addict
I don't even know where to start.
My little sister is 5 years younger than me. This started when she was 15. At first it was just the usual troubled teen stuff. Her and my mother didn't get along. My mom is really hard to get along with...I had issues with her too when I lived there. Maybe saying that will help you to understand why I tried to help her so much and sided with her in the beginning. The way she dealt with our difficult home, after I left for college..was alcohol and boys and some drugs.
My parents are functioning alcoholics. They will even admit they have a problem..but its not important enough for them to do anything about it. My mom also has some emotional issues that she refuses to admit to. She at one point had an invisible spider living on top of her head that would whisper things to her. If that gives you any idea of what we grew up around. I ran the minute I graduated high school. My sister didn't have to deal with the majority of my mother's craziness until I left. I suppose I was her shield and my moms whipping girl. When I took myself out of the situation my mom's focus landed on her. And she crumpled. She blames me for abandoning her there.
I lived with them for a year when I was 19. That was a rough year. My sister was still going down a bad path. She would shoplift. Sleep around. Sneak out of her room at night and get drunk and high. Steal from my parents and me. My parents decided to get a divorce that year and things got pretty weird. I was an adult..but my sister was still a kid. It messed her up even more. So much yelling and fighting. My mom and sister would get physical sometimes. My sister was the aggressor. I had gone through a 'dark period' prior to moving in with them and was there to get things back under control. Mostly just situational depression. I started working at a domestic violence shelter as an advocate. It changed my life. I found strength there. I left again to restart my 'real' life. For good this time.
When I was 21 I lived 8 hours away from them. Things had moved out of general 'rebellious teen' antics and had gotten pretty bad. More experimentation with drugs. Alcohol. Blackouts. She had been diagnosed Bipolar at one point. High anxiety. She accused someone of rape that did not rape her. Apparently he just didn't want to be her boyfriend after they had sex. I didn't know that then tho. So I took custody of my 16 year old sister. Moved her into my home 8 hours away from my parents. I wanted to give her a fresh start. A home devoid of crazy people. There was no alcohol in my house. At that time I refused to touch it. I made her promise me to never bring drugs into my house. I wanted to give her a second chance..to find a new crowd. She was So Impressionable. She wanted to do whatever her friends were doing. And she always chose the worst friends. I suspected the only ones she felt she deserved.
She found the same people when she got here. He didn't even go to her school. He had dropped out and lived Across from her school. How had she managed that? It was the same thing all over again, but worse. She would lie to me, fight with me, steal from me. Sneak out of the house and she caused problems between my fiancé and his family with her lying and manipulation and stealing. It lasted almost a year before I gave up. She was 17 and I wasn't doing it anymore. She had dropped out of school here and thought that gave her a liscense to do whatever she wanted. We went back home to 'visit' my parents. I didn't tell her i'd packed all of her stuff and put it in the trunk. I didn't tell her I was taking her back to stay. My dad thought that was a terrible thing for me to do. I agreed. But I was 100% sure I wouldn't get her into the car if she knew. I couldn't do it anymore. I wasn't helping. I had failed. It broke my heart and it mortified me.
She was only there a week when she arranged a ride back to my state. She didn't come to me, she stayed with the group she had found when she was down here. Here is the problem with that. She was still a minor. And I had never reversed my guardianship. She got into a fight with her boyfriend and he pushed her out of a car. The police were involved. She told them she was living on her own. CPS was called on me. CPS.Was.Called.On.ME. I was mortified and livid. The cps worker was understanding and charges were never filed. He suggested I reverse my guardianship. I had a court date to do so. I was Terrified. I begged my parents to come down to go with me. I never asked them for Anything. They gave her money, support, cars...I never ask for Anything the Least you can do is stand in that courtroom with me and Take Your Kid Back. I cried. I never cry. I lost the ability years ago. They came. It was not as scary as I was afraid it would be. I thought they would tell me I was a bad surrogate mother and to never have kids of my own because I had obviously failed miserabley at keeping one teenager from completely falling apart for 1 year. But no. They really didn't care.
I was so angry at my sister after that. I felt like I had finally had the wool lifted from my eyes. Yes, my parents were difficult..but she was not just an innocent victim. She lied. I found drugs in my house. I don't even know what they were. She wanted the rest of her things. I packed them up and left them on the sidewalk. When she came, I went onto the porch..pointed at them and walked back in. And slammed the door. I didn't speak to her for a year. Or more..i'm not sure now.
That was 11 years ago. She had gone through good periods and really bad ones. She was homeless for awhile. She had been hospitalized many times. She has tried to commit suicide. I have been her support. I have listened. I have yelled at her. I stopped yelling and just listened.
We had our first children at the same time. My son is 3 months younger than hers.
CPS took her son away 4 months ago. She drove under the influence with him in the car to the ER to tell them she was suicidal. She was upset because her husband left her. She was there a week and they took my nephew and placed him with her MIL. She started working on recovery again, trying to get him back. Lasted a couple months. Then she got high on mushrooms and crashed my mother's car..which she Just gave her That Day. She just got out of jail after being there a month.
All my mom ever talks about is my sister and her problems. She is the theme song of our family and has been for around 14 years. Sometimes she doesn't even Pretend it's a give and take relationship. Sometimes she doesn't even bother to ask about my 2 sons or acknowledge I am pregnant again..its just..this is what is happening with your sister Today. Both of my parents come to me to talk to me sister. They say she listens to me. No she doesn't. If she listened to me none of this would ever have happened. I cannot save her. I am tired of them asking me to sacrifice myself for her. Because that is what it feels like. I have a life, a husband, children, a home, a job and things going on with me. I wont give all that up to drown with her.
I keep edging towards telling my mom that I am done. She makes me feel guilty for wanting to give up. I have no hope left in me. I don't believe she will ever get better. She had been an addict for as long as she wasn't one now. She says she is done sometimes, but then she goes over and washes her dishes so the cps workers wont see her messy house when she brings her grandson over for his supervised visit. Then she yells at my sister for it. They they fight. Then my sister uses because she is upset.
A couple days ago she drove to my sisters apartment (that they are paying for now btw) to see if her soon to be ex is there. He is an addict and ex con as well and Gave her the mushrooms. She noticed her sliding glass door was open. So she went in. Snooped around and watched her sleep. In the dark. That isn't healthy. Saving her has consumed my mom. My dad wants to leave. I'm not sure my mom will go if he does.
I want to be done. Really done. I will say this, but know this..i feel like the worst sort of person when I do. I kind of wish she would overdose and put us out of our misery. It's been 14 years. It's killing my parents. Its taken all of their savings. My dads BP is continually at stroke levels lately. I don't want to feel guilty for not caring anymore. I just want this to be over. I am tired. I don't think she will ever get better and I don't believe a word out of her mouth. I cant be her friend and I cant be her support. I refuse to talk to her because I know I cant say or do anything helpful. When they fight they call me to referee. I live 8 hours away! Do I have to move to a different country to get away from this?!? Do I have to cut ties with my Entire family? I am going home for the first time in 3 years next week. I think I need to make it clear how done I really am. And that when I say I am done...what I mean by that. I mean don't talk to me about her. Don't update me about her. If you cant find anything to talk to me about that doesn't involve her..then don't contact me.
Is this right? When I make this decision it feels right. It feels like pulling myself up from drowning. I want to walk away. I want to turn my back. I want to forget her. She died to me years ago. I just want to change the song. I feel like this is an upset to my Own balance that I work Very Hard to maintain.
I am so sorry for writing a novel. I started and then couldn't stop. I cant talk to anyone about this. As I said, she is my families theme song andi don't want her to corrupt my Healthy relationships with the same tune.
My little sister is 5 years younger than me. This started when she was 15. At first it was just the usual troubled teen stuff. Her and my mother didn't get along. My mom is really hard to get along with...I had issues with her too when I lived there. Maybe saying that will help you to understand why I tried to help her so much and sided with her in the beginning. The way she dealt with our difficult home, after I left for college..was alcohol and boys and some drugs.
My parents are functioning alcoholics. They will even admit they have a problem..but its not important enough for them to do anything about it. My mom also has some emotional issues that she refuses to admit to. She at one point had an invisible spider living on top of her head that would whisper things to her. If that gives you any idea of what we grew up around. I ran the minute I graduated high school. My sister didn't have to deal with the majority of my mother's craziness until I left. I suppose I was her shield and my moms whipping girl. When I took myself out of the situation my mom's focus landed on her. And she crumpled. She blames me for abandoning her there.
I lived with them for a year when I was 19. That was a rough year. My sister was still going down a bad path. She would shoplift. Sleep around. Sneak out of her room at night and get drunk and high. Steal from my parents and me. My parents decided to get a divorce that year and things got pretty weird. I was an adult..but my sister was still a kid. It messed her up even more. So much yelling and fighting. My mom and sister would get physical sometimes. My sister was the aggressor. I had gone through a 'dark period' prior to moving in with them and was there to get things back under control. Mostly just situational depression. I started working at a domestic violence shelter as an advocate. It changed my life. I found strength there. I left again to restart my 'real' life. For good this time.
When I was 21 I lived 8 hours away from them. Things had moved out of general 'rebellious teen' antics and had gotten pretty bad. More experimentation with drugs. Alcohol. Blackouts. She had been diagnosed Bipolar at one point. High anxiety. She accused someone of rape that did not rape her. Apparently he just didn't want to be her boyfriend after they had sex. I didn't know that then tho. So I took custody of my 16 year old sister. Moved her into my home 8 hours away from my parents. I wanted to give her a fresh start. A home devoid of crazy people. There was no alcohol in my house. At that time I refused to touch it. I made her promise me to never bring drugs into my house. I wanted to give her a second chance..to find a new crowd. She was So Impressionable. She wanted to do whatever her friends were doing. And she always chose the worst friends. I suspected the only ones she felt she deserved.
She found the same people when she got here. He didn't even go to her school. He had dropped out and lived Across from her school. How had she managed that? It was the same thing all over again, but worse. She would lie to me, fight with me, steal from me. Sneak out of the house and she caused problems between my fiancé and his family with her lying and manipulation and stealing. It lasted almost a year before I gave up. She was 17 and I wasn't doing it anymore. She had dropped out of school here and thought that gave her a liscense to do whatever she wanted. We went back home to 'visit' my parents. I didn't tell her i'd packed all of her stuff and put it in the trunk. I didn't tell her I was taking her back to stay. My dad thought that was a terrible thing for me to do. I agreed. But I was 100% sure I wouldn't get her into the car if she knew. I couldn't do it anymore. I wasn't helping. I had failed. It broke my heart and it mortified me.
She was only there a week when she arranged a ride back to my state. She didn't come to me, she stayed with the group she had found when she was down here. Here is the problem with that. She was still a minor. And I had never reversed my guardianship. She got into a fight with her boyfriend and he pushed her out of a car. The police were involved. She told them she was living on her own. CPS was called on me. CPS.Was.Called.On.ME. I was mortified and livid. The cps worker was understanding and charges were never filed. He suggested I reverse my guardianship. I had a court date to do so. I was Terrified. I begged my parents to come down to go with me. I never asked them for Anything. They gave her money, support, cars...I never ask for Anything the Least you can do is stand in that courtroom with me and Take Your Kid Back. I cried. I never cry. I lost the ability years ago. They came. It was not as scary as I was afraid it would be. I thought they would tell me I was a bad surrogate mother and to never have kids of my own because I had obviously failed miserabley at keeping one teenager from completely falling apart for 1 year. But no. They really didn't care.
I was so angry at my sister after that. I felt like I had finally had the wool lifted from my eyes. Yes, my parents were difficult..but she was not just an innocent victim. She lied. I found drugs in my house. I don't even know what they were. She wanted the rest of her things. I packed them up and left them on the sidewalk. When she came, I went onto the porch..pointed at them and walked back in. And slammed the door. I didn't speak to her for a year. Or more..i'm not sure now.
That was 11 years ago. She had gone through good periods and really bad ones. She was homeless for awhile. She had been hospitalized many times. She has tried to commit suicide. I have been her support. I have listened. I have yelled at her. I stopped yelling and just listened.
We had our first children at the same time. My son is 3 months younger than hers.
CPS took her son away 4 months ago. She drove under the influence with him in the car to the ER to tell them she was suicidal. She was upset because her husband left her. She was there a week and they took my nephew and placed him with her MIL. She started working on recovery again, trying to get him back. Lasted a couple months. Then she got high on mushrooms and crashed my mother's car..which she Just gave her That Day. She just got out of jail after being there a month.
All my mom ever talks about is my sister and her problems. She is the theme song of our family and has been for around 14 years. Sometimes she doesn't even Pretend it's a give and take relationship. Sometimes she doesn't even bother to ask about my 2 sons or acknowledge I am pregnant again..its just..this is what is happening with your sister Today. Both of my parents come to me to talk to me sister. They say she listens to me. No she doesn't. If she listened to me none of this would ever have happened. I cannot save her. I am tired of them asking me to sacrifice myself for her. Because that is what it feels like. I have a life, a husband, children, a home, a job and things going on with me. I wont give all that up to drown with her.
I keep edging towards telling my mom that I am done. She makes me feel guilty for wanting to give up. I have no hope left in me. I don't believe she will ever get better. She had been an addict for as long as she wasn't one now. She says she is done sometimes, but then she goes over and washes her dishes so the cps workers wont see her messy house when she brings her grandson over for his supervised visit. Then she yells at my sister for it. They they fight. Then my sister uses because she is upset.
A couple days ago she drove to my sisters apartment (that they are paying for now btw) to see if her soon to be ex is there. He is an addict and ex con as well and Gave her the mushrooms. She noticed her sliding glass door was open. So she went in. Snooped around and watched her sleep. In the dark. That isn't healthy. Saving her has consumed my mom. My dad wants to leave. I'm not sure my mom will go if he does.
I want to be done. Really done. I will say this, but know this..i feel like the worst sort of person when I do. I kind of wish she would overdose and put us out of our misery. It's been 14 years. It's killing my parents. Its taken all of their savings. My dads BP is continually at stroke levels lately. I don't want to feel guilty for not caring anymore. I just want this to be over. I am tired. I don't think she will ever get better and I don't believe a word out of her mouth. I cant be her friend and I cant be her support. I refuse to talk to her because I know I cant say or do anything helpful. When they fight they call me to referee. I live 8 hours away! Do I have to move to a different country to get away from this?!? Do I have to cut ties with my Entire family? I am going home for the first time in 3 years next week. I think I need to make it clear how done I really am. And that when I say I am done...what I mean by that. I mean don't talk to me about her. Don't update me about her. If you cant find anything to talk to me about that doesn't involve her..then don't contact me.
Is this right? When I make this decision it feels right. It feels like pulling myself up from drowning. I want to walk away. I want to turn my back. I want to forget her. She died to me years ago. I just want to change the song. I feel like this is an upset to my Own balance that I work Very Hard to maintain.
I am so sorry for writing a novel. I started and then couldn't stop. I cant talk to anyone about this. As I said, she is my families theme song andi don't want her to corrupt my Healthy relationships with the same tune.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
You are not the worst person in the world for saying the put us out of our misery part...I think some of us, I know I have, have had that same exact thought. Thank goodness you live 8 hours away. Detach with love is the best, your parents just haven't hit the wall that you have yet.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
No, you are not a bad person for feeling as you do. I understand. We all do.
If her little child is safe, that is the main thing now. Your sister will have to want help, in order to change. Perhaps when everyone stops talking about her, reacting to her doings, she may notice and realize. I sure hope so, for everyones sake.
take care of yourself. Reading "Codependent No More' by Melody Beaty was eye opening for me.
You deserve to be as happy as you can be. You have a family that needs and wants you to be happy. There is a saying, The three C's... you did not cause it, you cannot control it a nd you cannot cure it.
You have every right to take the focus off of her, and put it on you and your family.
Keep posting. Someone is always here and willing to support you.
If her little child is safe, that is the main thing now. Your sister will have to want help, in order to change. Perhaps when everyone stops talking about her, reacting to her doings, she may notice and realize. I sure hope so, for everyones sake.
take care of yourself. Reading "Codependent No More' by Melody Beaty was eye opening for me.
You deserve to be as happy as you can be. You have a family that needs and wants you to be happy. There is a saying, The three C's... you did not cause it, you cannot control it a nd you cannot cure it.
You have every right to take the focus off of her, and put it on you and your family.
Keep posting. Someone is always here and willing to support you.
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
You sound like a healthy person to me. My mom and sis had this same odd enabling relationship as well. I took a step back and said that I wasn't getting involved. You can do that too, say to your mom that you want to talk to her and support her bit it can't be about your sister... I liked the way you phrased that, that she's the theme song. It is time to change the tune.
Congrats on the baby on the way.
Congrats on the baby on the way.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>I want to be done. Really done. I will say this, but know this..i feel like the worst sort of person when I do. I kind of wish she would overdose and put us out of our misery. It's been 14 years. It's killing my parents. Its taken all of their savings. My dads BP is continually at stroke levels lately. I don't want to feel guilty for not caring anymore. I just want this to be over. I am tired. I don't think she will ever get better and I don't believe a word out of her mouth. I cant be her friend and I cant be her support. I refuse to talk to her because I know I cant say or do anything helpful. When they fight they call me to referee. I live 8 hours away! Do I have to move to a different country to get away from this?!? Do I have to cut ties with my Entire family? I am going home for the first time in 3 years next week. I think I need to make it clear how done I really am. And that when I say I am done...what I mean by that. I mean don't talk to me about her. Don't update me about her. If you cant find anything to talk to me about that doesn't involve her..then don't contact me.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Don't beat yourself up. If we are honest--- ALL of us have felt this way.
Don't beat yourself up. If we are honest--- ALL of us have felt this way.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Its sort of like the airmask on the airplane, put it on yourself or you are of no use to help anyone else. Your expecting ( Congrats to you ), you have a family yourself that needs you and your sweet baby does not need this stress either. I would detatch, get some Naranon literature and meeting times in your moms area and send it to her. I would also write a letter about what this is doing to YOU. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Your mom needs a wake up call. I dont say this with spite for her as i cannot even imagine her pain. Your sister needs inpatient treatment in a dual.diagnosis facility. However, that has to be up to her. She has to want it and it does not sound like that is so.
Im so sorry for what brings you here but glad your here. You are not alone.
XXX
Im so sorry for what brings you here but glad your here. You are not alone.
XXX
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2
Thank you all for your kind words.
I've looked into Nar-Anon meeting where I am and the closest one is an hour away. With 2 kids, its not really an option for me. If there was one in the town I live in, I would be there in a minute lol. The lack of them is what led me to seek online.
I'll try to get some info for my mom. I thought about directing her here..but I wouldn't want her to see my own post lol. Ive suggested Nar-anon or Al-anon to her before, but she seems to think they would judge her because she drinks.
I will get the co-dependency book. I used to manage a bookstore and I remember seeing it.
I think most of my guilt about walking away and leaving my mom with no one to support Her while she continues. I know I cant save her either, but I find it hard to turn my back on my mom. She has such a horrible , unhealthy relationship with her other daughter that I think I've always tried to fill in the gap and...yeah. I'm tired of being the invisible good one.
I think about how this has shaped my life and who I've become. I find myself being an unofficial therapist and mediator for them. Since neither of them will go to counseling. I actually am 3/4th of way through a degree in social work. I know my interest was because of this.
Eh, anyways. Thank you for the welcome I'm finding the other posts here helpful. Especially the ones involving siblings.
I've looked into Nar-Anon meeting where I am and the closest one is an hour away. With 2 kids, its not really an option for me. If there was one in the town I live in, I would be there in a minute lol. The lack of them is what led me to seek online.
I'll try to get some info for my mom. I thought about directing her here..but I wouldn't want her to see my own post lol. Ive suggested Nar-anon or Al-anon to her before, but she seems to think they would judge her because she drinks.
I will get the co-dependency book. I used to manage a bookstore and I remember seeing it.
I think most of my guilt about walking away and leaving my mom with no one to support Her while she continues. I know I cant save her either, but I find it hard to turn my back on my mom. She has such a horrible , unhealthy relationship with her other daughter that I think I've always tried to fill in the gap and...yeah. I'm tired of being the invisible good one.
I think about how this has shaped my life and who I've become. I find myself being an unofficial therapist and mediator for them. Since neither of them will go to counseling. I actually am 3/4th of way through a degree in social work. I know my interest was because of this.
Eh, anyways. Thank you for the welcome
I'm finding the other posts here helpful. Especially the ones involving siblings.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
I'm so sorry you're going through this. There's so much about your post that I identify with! Like you, my parents were both functioning alcoholics, my mother was mentally ill to boot (my Mom didn't have a talking spider, but there was a period when she claimed our dog talked when no one else was around), and my sister started to rebel in her teen years, which led her down a dark path of addiction and led my parents, especially my Mom, to become very codependent. My sister blames me for leaving first and leaving her alone with my parents, and I have tried at times to help her but finally got to a point where I had to take care of myself and couldn't do it any longer, which led to a lot of guilt. So if nothing else, I can tell you that you're not alone!
It's really hard to be the "together" sister. My parents have both passed away, but when they were alive there were so many times that I wanted to tell them "I might not be as bad off as my sister, but I have my challenges and heartaches, too, and I need support too!" One of the things that I have realized over the years with the help of a therapist is that my sister was really just the "identified patient." What I mean by that is that my whole family was focused on fixing/blaming my sister when really every member of the family was sick and in need of help in one way or another. I think that in dysfunctional families, focusing on the problem child allows other family member to forget about their own problems. With your Mom, for example--she can focus on your sister and forget about her own drinking problem and psychological issues. I think it's very telling that she wants to seek help for codependency but doesn't want to reevaluate her own drinking. Anyway, I mention all this because it was important for me to understand that in order to heal, I had to turn the focus to myself, that it was vital for my own health, and also vital for my sister. It really isn't fair to make her the one in need of fixing! So do think about what you can do to heal yourself. Read up on co-dependency, maybe try al-anon if nar-anon is too far away?
As far as setting boundaries, you will have to find what works for you. After my father died, at a time when my mother was living in assisted living and barely able to care for herself but still so focused on my sister, I decided that I was tired of getting phone calls from my Mom that were all about my sister. So I told her very clearly that I would love to talk to her, but not about my sister. And after that, if she called and wanted to talk about my sister, I reminded her firmly of the boundary and got off the phone if she wouldn't change the topic. It took a few weeks, but eventually she got it and started to call me just to chat. It probably helped that by that point she was no longer drinking. With your family, this might not work. They might always bring it around to your sister. For me, it helped to make it clear that I wanted to talk to my Mom, just not about my sister, and then put the ball in her court. In any case, I completely understand why you are done with the insanity. There are plenty of friends/family/adult-children of addicts/alcoholics who decide that their family is just too toxic and they are better off distancing themselves.
Wishing you peace!
It's really hard to be the "together" sister. My parents have both passed away, but when they were alive there were so many times that I wanted to tell them "I might not be as bad off as my sister, but I have my challenges and heartaches, too, and I need support too!" One of the things that I have realized over the years with the help of a therapist is that my sister was really just the "identified patient." What I mean by that is that my whole family was focused on fixing/blaming my sister when really every member of the family was sick and in need of help in one way or another. I think that in dysfunctional families, focusing on the problem child allows other family member to forget about their own problems. With your Mom, for example--she can focus on your sister and forget about her own drinking problem and psychological issues. I think it's very telling that she wants to seek help for codependency but doesn't want to reevaluate her own drinking. Anyway, I mention all this because it was important for me to understand that in order to heal, I had to turn the focus to myself, that it was vital for my own health, and also vital for my sister. It really isn't fair to make her the one in need of fixing! So do think about what you can do to heal yourself. Read up on co-dependency, maybe try al-anon if nar-anon is too far away?
As far as setting boundaries, you will have to find what works for you. After my father died, at a time when my mother was living in assisted living and barely able to care for herself but still so focused on my sister, I decided that I was tired of getting phone calls from my Mom that were all about my sister. So I told her very clearly that I would love to talk to her, but not about my sister. And after that, if she called and wanted to talk about my sister, I reminded her firmly of the boundary and got off the phone if she wouldn't change the topic. It took a few weeks, but eventually she got it and started to call me just to chat. It probably helped that by that point she was no longer drinking. With your family, this might not work. They might always bring it around to your sister. For me, it helped to make it clear that I wanted to talk to my Mom, just not about my sister, and then put the ball in her court. In any case, I completely understand why you are done with the insanity. There are plenty of friends/family/adult-children of addicts/alcoholics who decide that their family is just too toxic and they are better off distancing themselves.
Wishing you peace!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
If there are no nearby Naranon meetings, you may want to check to see if there are any Alanon meetings closer. Although technically Naranon if for friends and family of addicts and Alanon for friends and family of alcoholics, the concepts and the focus are the same - it's about helping ourselves. Often there are folks with addicted loved ones at Alanon, especially when there are no local Naranon meetings.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Hi Natreese,
Welcome to SR and like everyone has said thus far, you are a fine healthy sister trying to understand a very complicated cruel disease. Remember it's your sister that has the disease that tears families apart. Don't let it tear you apart. Keep yourself healthy, take care of you first! Anything else that happens, well, it will happen, it's out of your control, you won't be ale to fix or control this one or you might drive yourself crazy trying.
Greeteachday is correct about seeking out a support meeting. I, too, couldn't find a Naranon meeting anywhere close to where I live. We have plenty of Alanon meetings, and I did try going to them. The concept is correct/focus is a about helping and sharing and supporting each other.
What I did with my addicted recovering children, is I called the local Behavioral Health Clinic (my daughter had IOP, recovery support there) and asked if they had any support groups for Family and Friends of the addicted loved one. They did! Lots of family members go and we learn about addiction, enabling, codependency, recovery etc., it's run by therapists/psychologists and the support has helped me understand this horrible disease and how to get off the roller coaster ride that i was stuck on, plus it's FREE. Child care is available too!!
This is just another option that I wanted to throw in with the other suggestions the SR members have given you.
Breathe Natreese! Think about those boundaries that jjj111 talked about (hey jjj111 how are you BTW?)
Keep reading, check out the stickies above and congratulations on that new baby and we LOVE those novels, we all have written a few and will most likely write a few more!!
Take care,
TF
Welcome to SR and like everyone has said thus far, you are a fine healthy sister trying to understand a very complicated cruel disease. Remember it's your sister that has the disease that tears families apart. Don't let it tear you apart. Keep yourself healthy, take care of you first! Anything else that happens, well, it will happen, it's out of your control, you won't be ale to fix or control this one or you might drive yourself crazy trying.
Greeteachday is correct about seeking out a support meeting. I, too, couldn't find a Naranon meeting anywhere close to where I live. We have plenty of Alanon meetings, and I did try going to them. The concept is correct/focus is a about helping and sharing and supporting each other.
What I did with my addicted recovering children, is I called the local Behavioral Health Clinic (my daughter had IOP, recovery support there) and asked if they had any support groups for Family and Friends of the addicted loved one. They did! Lots of family members go and we learn about addiction, enabling, codependency, recovery etc., it's run by therapists/psychologists and the support has helped me understand this horrible disease and how to get off the roller coaster ride that i was stuck on, plus it's FREE. Child care is available too!!
This is just another option that I wanted to throw in with the other suggestions the SR members have given you.
Breathe Natreese! Think about those boundaries that jjj111 talked about (hey jjj111 how are you BTW?)
Keep reading, check out the stickies above and congratulations on that new baby and we LOVE those novels, we all have written a few and will most likely write a few more!!
Take care,
TF
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Hello back to you jjj111 and all the other SR members,
I don't mean to push the Friends and Family support meetings that I attend...but what I will push is F2F support. I myself was reluctant to attend a group meeting, denying that I needed it...but I did and I'm so glad that I did. Support from other people going thru exactly what I was going thru helped me understand what a horrible and cruel disease addiction is. And for all those judgmental people in the world who don't understand addiction, well they can bring that argument up with God/HP.
Only then, will the judgement be laid to rest, forever.
In it to win it,
TF
I don't mean to push the Friends and Family support meetings that I attend...but what I will push is F2F support. I myself was reluctant to attend a group meeting, denying that I needed it...but I did and I'm so glad that I did. Support from other people going thru exactly what I was going thru helped me understand what a horrible and cruel disease addiction is. And for all those judgmental people in the world who don't understand addiction, well they can bring that argument up with God/HP.
Only then, will the judgement be laid to rest, forever.
In it to win it,
TF
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