alaina742

My mom's life is basically falling apart- a slow decent from alcoholism and uncontrolled mental illness. Right now she has a paid for house and she is working full time. But she keeps getting in trouble at work and is fearful she might lose her job.

Last night, after being written up again, she calls me and starts down this path of, if I lost my house, could I move in? I didn't honestly know what to say. She has mentioned "living in my basement" from time to time. But she's serious and says she has been thinking about this for some time! Finally I said only if she got sober. Which of course made her really mad and she got off the phone shortly after. Today she wouldn't answer when I called. Which is always fun since when she has these days, she says things like "if I take one too many pills tonight, it wouldn't be a bad thing."

She is combative when she is drinking and starts horrible arguements. I could not get out of her house fast enough. I feel like a terrible person but there's just no way she could live wih me...

hopeful4

Nope, that would be stepping on a crazy train you dont want to be on!

Tamerua

You're NOT a terrible person. You are setting boundaries with her, which sounds to me, are necessary.

Taking5

What if she does get sober, could she live with you then?

You lead her to believe this by your response, and it is diametrically opposed to "there's just no way she could live with me".

A better boundary when asked this question would've probably been "no".

GracieLou

I have to agree with this. There are many times I wanted to tell my mother no but didn't because I felt obligated.

I always regretted it later!

You are in no way obligated to help her. She is a grown woman and should in turn take care of her own life and the responsibilities of that life. Drunk, sober, mental issues.. They need to rest on her.

The one thing I have learned is to avoid resentments like the plague and if helping means I will develop a resentment because the other person is not living up their responsibilities or at least trying, then I avoid being in the mix.

I can't say yes today and then resent the person later. Saying yes was my part of the resentment/problem.

Remember, you have the right to change your mind. You do not need to argue, justify or explain either. That is not your job, it is their job to accept a decision.

chicory

If she has a paid for house, and can sell it, perhaps she would be able to live in an assisted living situation. Perhaps you could suggest counseling to her, as a way to possibly maintain her job?
I know this is tough. Make your boundaries good ones.

Luper

So I will admit, that I am on the flip side of this one... I am the Mom.

I would never ask that of my son or anyone else. I had my AB live with me, and it was a nightmare. Good choice on your part.

Hang in there and lots of hugs!

Ann

She has other options, and Chic spoke of the one that crossed my mind. If she sold her house she could afford to rent or better yet, find a sober living home for a while.

"We" are not the best option for them and all we do is set ourselves up with a front row seat to their addiction.

I hope she decides to sober up soon. It may be the best decision she will ever make.

Hugs

alaina742

She has no interest In getting sober. She refuses to consider living anywhere else because she has two large dogs. And the house isn't really liveable so the possibility of selling it isn't really an option.

Ann

I'm sorry to hear that, Alaina.

She's made her choices, however poor, over the years and still had the choice to get sober if she really wants to. There is no reason you should have to bear the consequences that may help her find a better way.

Keeping you both in my prayers, it's just heartbreaking watching someone we love self-destruct.

Hugs

Txhelp

That was a good answer....truthful.

I could never live with my mother-she would drive me nuts. I love her and she is sober.

Don't feel guilty...she is a grown woman with an addiction and untreated mental health issues.

Perhaps have a canned answer, when she draws you into her crisis. I would have a few rehabs that were possible listed. My canned answer, with my family members would often be..."that's to bad. I am sorry that happened. Are you ready to do something about it? There is nothing that I can do for you."

hopeful4

I agree w TX. Be prepared, they hhhaaattteee when you do that, but eventually it sinks in you wont engage.