bluehour

I just reread my post and wanted to clarify something.

When I said I find it hard to believe that you have no input, it sounded kind of negative.

I was trying to say that you most likely have more power than you seem to think. Marriage dynamics are personal, and I am not trying to intrude on yours, but he is equally your son. You do have some say in this.

Counseling, as mentioned earlier, would be a good place to maybe help you find that middle ground together.
I hope you find some respite from this situation soon. I am very sorry you are going through this.

pommie

Im sorry you are going thru this. I have been in similar circumsances. I tried and tried and did everything I could to make sure that thru everythng my AS did not have a criminal record. Well years went by and he was arrested on theft by deception charges and now he has a felony on his record. All my "helping" and the money we spent in the past on lawyers did absolutely nothing in the end. He went to jail for six weeks, but it was the best thing. He currently is in recovery and has a job (hopefuly it will last but you never know). Sometimes you just have to let them suffer their consequences. It is not easy. I also get how you feel when you say it might be better if he was dead. When everything is going wrong and you are so upset you sometimes feel that at least the chaos would be over.

chicory

LoveToHike,

I am so sorry for your pain and sorrow.

I think that you continuing to hold your positions in the church is a beautiful thing.
Do not think that this reflects upon you, as a person- your son's choices, that it.

You never know how it will help someone else who is struggling. You will be an example of courage and faith, and show someone else that they do not have to live in shame due to a family members mistakes.

I think the advice to get counsel for you and your hubby is good... I am sure that your mental states are a mess, with the worry. Sometimes it gets very unclear , as to what we should or should not do, when we love someone who struggles.

I think you might be surprised at how many people found their way after prison. If he is going to find it at all, he will, prison or not. And it seems he is not learning from being saved from each disaster- he has a false sense of immunity, maybe?

hugs and prayers for things to go as they should.

queenapple

Hi Jane--Around 5 years ago, maybe a little longer, we were on the verge of bailing my oldest son out of jail to the tune of over $10,000 after he was busted with drugs in his car. He begged and pleaded with us that he was so ashamed to be going to jail.

But then his girlfriend and several of his other friends texted or called. All said the same thing: DON'T bail him out. He needs to learn a lesson here. And you know what? It was the best thing that ever happened to him. He was in a local jail for a few weeks, then sent to a court-mandated drug program in Arizona. It was 6 months long and he was one of the few that actually completed it. His probation officer actually came to his graduation.

He's had one slip in all these years but quickly got back on track. I think the shock of finding out we weren't going to bail him out this time finally turned his head around. He used every substance known to man, he's extremely intelligent, and he's stayed clean with the help of first alanon and then narcanon--he's very active in his local narcanon.

Now, at 44, he's finally going back to college. He works two jobs. He hasn't asked us for money in a few years. When he was in his 20s, he routinely disappeared for months at a time and we had no idea where he was. He'd been heavily involved in drug use since his late teens.

I thank God we didn't bail him out.

And you have nothing to be ashamed of. Drug use happens in all kinds of families.