findthelight

After a breakup almost a year and a half ago, it still hurts inside. There's so much I just don't seem to understand or maybe accept? My A sought me out on a dating website, pursued me, and put a lot of effort forth to start a relationship. We talked and talked and sweetly dated and met families, etc. and I was falling in love and THEN...he broke up with me-changed overnight and I knew nothing until 5 months later when I found out he was an A-said he was a recovering A but I'm not sure. We've had minimal contact and I saw him 3 weeks ago for the first time-not sure if he was using or not-have no idea. We hung out for the afternoon and had a nice time -it was a bit nerve wracking at first because it had been so long but I expected that. I had fallen in love with his family as well and his parents kept in contact with me after the break-up..they were both confused I think and had told me that I had brought so much happiness into their son's life and that they had their old son back that they hadn't seen in awhile. (At this point I did not know he was an A). Then, I read all these stories of how the A comes back and begs for forgiveness-mine does not and he stays away from me and I feel like there is something wrong with me. I know I shouldn't look at it that way and I have been concentrating on myself-have read a lot about addiction and codependency etc. It's just the heartbreak doesn't seem to leave and I guess it's some sort of guilt I carry, like I did something wrong-not sure. I get so confused because the person I had fallen in love with doesn't match with what I read. If I accept that this is a disease, which I do-I understand certain aspects that I unfortunately had to be on the hurting end of some things. With that understanding, part of me-a big part of me-doesn't want to walk away completely. :/

zoso77

Sometimes they come back. Sometimes they don't. In my case, my AXGF came back one last time, I fell for her act, and she stayed just long enough to pull some pretty sadistic stuff on me. That was 2 1/2 years ago. The heartache is long, long gone. In hindsight, it really wasn't there. But while there's no pain, I'd be lying if I said there wasn't any residual stuff there. I do not trust anyone of the opposite sex in a romantic sense, or an emotionally intimate sense. When you do the best you can for someone and they turn around and shove it back up your backside with a smile, it doesn't matter if they're an addict or not in practice. It tends to stay with you.

So how do I deal with it? I just thank my lucky stars my AXGF is long f**kin' gone and is no longer in a position to harm me. I thank God each and every day for the people in my life. And I do make an effort to treat everyone I come across with kindness and respect.

I've come to the conclusion that there are some wounds that don't heal. Those type of wounds scab over a bit, but remain raw. But we learn how to adapt to those wounds so that we can move on with our lives. And that's what you have to do, and to an extent, you have been doing that. And thank your lucky stars that he's no longer in a position to hurt you on a daily basis.

chicory

Hello Findthelight.

A few things come to mind, when I reread your post. First, how much it hurts, to have someone let you down without even explaining why. that is not how a mature , mentally stable person would act, IMHO. Not everyone is relationship material, aside from the drinking/or recovered Alcoholism. If someone cares about you, they would give you an explanation at least of why they walked away.

If you kept in contact with his family, it could prevent you from moving on... from accepting what is.

I guess too that you know you are risking more pain by getting together with him again...opening wounds even more, that haven't had a chance to heal. I would guess that he might pull the same stuff again. Just be prepared and guard your heart, because it sounds more like a personality disorder than just a by product of being a recovered A.

I am a firm believer of not giving more than you get in a romantic relationship. You should not have to wonder if it was something you did or not... you should know what happened, from his mouth. don't accept less than respect and honesty.

the pain will go away, though it takes time. It really will. I know that, from experience.
You sound like a sweetheart, and there are a lot of men who would treat you much much better than that.
hugs.

findthelight

Thanks ZoSo for your words. It sucks with the trust. The trust thing is real, real tough for me right now too. I don't trust much of anyone as well as myself in all honesty...because I sit here and think of memories and how nothing...not ONE thing...felt wrong about our relationship or him. Not one apprehension inside myself arose. It was completely the opposite and everything felt so right. And I had tried to keep my guard up as much as possible with the beginning of a new relationship until I went and spent a weekend in his hometown with him, his parents, and other family-and I walked in and was a goner because it just felt like home to me.

The thing about being glad he isn't hurting me-see this is where I also get confused because he treated me so well and I feel sad bc he isn't in my life. Felt he was a really great and nice person-which is something I look for obviously. He was genuine and old fashioned and treated me special and I treated him the same because to me he was. Then one day-bam it was over. Nothing bad happened between us, exactly the opposite-and then that curve ball. Makes trust in self and others a little scary.

Few questions: Could an A portray someone that they think you want him to be with very little knowledge of what that is? Would a recovering addict do that too? Would an A use a new relationship/person to chase a different kind of high?

findthelight

Hi Chicory-thanks for responding and your kindness.

I did sense something was wrong right before he ended things...he said he had some personal stuff going on...then broke up with me by a long text saying stuff like he was really really sorry and he wanted it to be the right time but it's not at the moment for him, etc.

Yes did stay in contact with his parents for awhile bc I cared for them and them for me...I also didn't know what was going on and his dad hinted around but felt it wasn't his place to tell me.

I did speak to him through text here and there and then when we were on phone he kept saying you have to realize this has nothing to do with you and you did nothing wrong but I guess it's just confusion in my brain making me feel a sense of guilt or something. A month after that conversation was when he told me he was an addict.

I do try and move on best I can. I have a good life. Stuff like this happens though and just makes ya question a lot.

findthelight

Also just a side note...he was divorced and was in active addiction for a big portion of that. Supposedly she hurt him a lot from what I've heard from him and his family but ??? They still kept in contact once in awhile as friends at that point although she was in another relationship.
He told me that he cared about me but just couldn't right now and that it may be different down the road but he couldn't make any promises and didn't want to make the same mistakes he had before. Sooo, assuming he is recovering I have stepped aside without closing the door but still have deep feelings for him and his well being of course while my own is in my mind too. We had spoken about seeing each other down the road so we did which was a year after that conversation.

chicory

It truly does stink that sometimes we do not get the answers to what we would like to know. It helps with closure.

I wish you well. Take care of you. Your heart will not always hurt like this.

chicory

Well, at least he told you that much. You can drive yourself crazy though, if you try to find more of a reason. Perhaps he just did not wish to commit. perhaps he was still working on staying clean. I am sure it must be really hard to have a committed relationship while working on recovery from a bad addiction.

It sounds like you have pretty much all the answer you need, though. when you are ready, you will let go and move on, and your heart will heal.

bellanoviella

Zoso .. This one touched me .. As I'm going through a breakup right now, and wondering if I'll ever fully give myself to a man again and trust him? It seems pretty impossible after all I've been through ..

HerbiceXXV

I very much struggle with this, the fully giving part. Over the past couple months, I've had opportunities to connect... But I perceive 'red flags'. Not entirely sure if I'm making them up in my head or not. Tough stuff...

Cold9987

I relate to your pain so much right now. I'm pretty much going through the exact same thing right now just a little more recent and with kids involved. I wish I had advice for you but it seems everyone has done a pretty good job. Hang in there...

Amysad

Findthelight - my situation has similarities but it's different. I offer up to you for consideration the old adage - you were in love with love. My daughter hid her addiction for a long time and when we finally understood it and what it was, we gave her another name. We started to heal when we talked about her as "Andrea addict" vs "deena daughter" . We as a family realized that our day-to-day love for her was for "deena" not "Andrea". We came to realize the for now and maybe forever "deena" was gone and "Andrea" took her place. It made boundaries easier to enforce and detachment easier to handle. I tell you this because once an addict always an addict and disclosure is necessary as daily struggles are present and a life love or partner or potential spouse deserves the honesty. Failure to be honest in this area is an indication at least to me of a dishonest entrance into a relationship. As painful as it is for you - and my heart goes out to you - for some reason you were not offered appropriate transparency as you both got more and more involved. My AD entered a relationship with someone and we continually encouraged her to be forthright as they got closer and more involved. Now we have no contact with her as she chooses addiction over herself and family but I am totally sure, this other person is either miserable, using himself or gone. They are the only options for the families and close friends of addicts. Painful as it may be, he just may have protected you and shown you the greatest love of all by saying "I can't be with you now". PLEASE continue to read SR - knowing what I know now, what my family and I have lived with, I would never want an involvement for one of my children with an addict. The pain and suffering has been to great and the life way to dangerous and unhealthy. Good luck to you.