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Giving up - and it hurts..

Old 07-31-2014, 01:23 PM
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Unhappy Giving up - and it hurts..

The time has finally come where I'm leaving my addict boyfriend. The process has already started. I didn't ask for this, I didn't want this, yet I know it's what needs to be done.. And it hurts so d*mn bad. For those of you who are not familiar with my posts, we started dating when he had a year and a half clean.. Then he relapsed back in April and has used on and off (mostly on) since then. He went to rehab 2 weeks ago because "enough is enough" and he was tired of feeling that way. He got out of rehab a week later (unfortunate insurance issues) and it was only 3 days until he used again.

He hates that he is an addict, he hates that his older sister (now dead) and brother (11 years clean) were addicts that he looked up to, and this was what he was destined to do in his mind because it was genetic, he hates that he can't kick the habit like some can and find true recovery. It's only because he doesn't want it bad enough, I know this. And maybe one day he will realize that too and get clean.

But I can't do anything for him. I can't save him. Nobody can do anything for him, except himself.. I know this. I am mentally and emotionally drained. I waited around for almost 4 months for him to get better, but all of the unimpressive clean time he had in these 4 months have amounted to nothing. There are stories of successful recovery (even personal friends of ours), so I held on to hope that it might happen for him too.

So.. here I am, with way more happy memories of us in my mind then the bad ones, and I'm wondering when I'll feel better. I hurt for his family. I hurt for his mother who's already lost one child. I hurt for any person in this world that has been affected by addiction.. I'm a big girl, I know I'll be fine, it's just so fresh right now honestly all I can do is cry.. Heroin always wins, this will eventually take his life, and that hurts me so bad. My once fun-loving, intelligent, excellent guitar player/singer, driven, passionate boyfriend whom I fell so deep in love with.. is completely gone. That devastates me.

Addiction is the most patient of beasts, and it sits, biding its time, waiting for a crack in resistance, a weak moment, a sad day.. and it attacks. If only our addicts were strong enough to fight back, none of us would be on this site.

I'll be okay. I know this needed to happen. I just needed to vent to my friends here at SR..

Thanks for listening.
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Old 07-31-2014, 01:28 PM
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I am so sorry. You are right, H wins unless they truly want recovery and want it badly enough to FIGHT for it every single day for the rest of their lives.

While you are grieving for your relationship, you are doing the right thing. It is painful to watch someone you love make choices you know can destroy them, but staying by their side while they make those choices can destroy you too.

Big Big Hugs to you today.
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Old 07-31-2014, 01:31 PM
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I know it really hurts and nothing will change that except the time to heal. I don't think you are giving up...I think you are giving him the dignity to make his own decisions on what he wants and how to get there without giving him ultimatums and pleas and threats that just result in sadness and frustration for both of you. And you haven't given up on loving and taking care of yourself by doing something that hurts but in the long run will help you to explore all the wonderful things your life has to offer you! You are a strong and awesome person and you will get through this!
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Old 07-31-2014, 01:37 PM
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aw sweetie....nothing but hugs and understanding here.

things heal, in time....maybe not perfectly, there will always be a trace of scar, but you'll be ok.
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Old 07-31-2014, 01:52 PM
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Heroin always wins, this will eventually take his life, and that hurts me so bad. My once fun-loving, intelligent, excellent guitar player/singer, driven, passionate boyfriend whom I fell so deep in love with.. is completely gone. That devastates me.
I know it does. And you're going to mourn and grieve for however long you need to.

You made a tough call. And we'll help you ride out the storm.
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Old 07-31-2014, 02:18 PM
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Hi Bella, I am tearing up as I read this. I was in your shoes and I too had to just walk away for my own sanity. After 4 years I just knew it was time to let go. The drugs and booze won. All we can do is hope and pray they find a way back. My thoughts are with you. I have cried a million tears, For me, for him , for us, for everyone who is caught up in this hell. It will get better, I promise. One day at a time.
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Old 07-31-2014, 04:53 PM
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The pain of leaving, however heartbreaking, will never be as great as the pain of staying with an active addict.

You made a wise and healthy choice, I am sorry for your sadness and sorry that he could not maintain his sobriety. Addiction does not only steal our loved ones, it steals our dreams and our hearts and hurts all who love an addict.

I pray one day it will end.

Hugs
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Old 07-31-2014, 08:08 PM
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Don’t view this as giving up, because self preservation isn’t that at all.

I am so sorry.

Time will heal, the experience may weigh heavy in this moment but you will be ok, just as you wrote.

Be gentle with yourself.
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Old 07-31-2014, 08:59 PM
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Thanks everyone. I know time will heal, it just sucks because who knows how long that will take.. I knew what I signed up for when I dated a (then recovering) addict. I almost wish he would have done something awful to me.. cheat on me, steal from me, something.. It wouldn't be so hard to walk away.

Anvil - You're completely right. This one will leave a scar. We shared an inexplicable chemistry that not many love affairs have, I know this to be true.

Either way, I will be okay.

Oh, and I'm keeping the cat, so that makes things better (one who refuses to let me do school work)

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Old 07-31-2014, 09:00 PM
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I am sorry for your pain, Bella. We are here for you. You did all you could do. Its up to him , and I hope that he takes a good look at his life, and decides to live without drugs. People do.

Hang in there Bella. You are not alone, and you will be ok. It's gonna hurt, but it will lessen and there will be happiness in your life where there was sadness.

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Old 08-01-2014, 02:37 AM
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We are so sorry. We wish we didn't understand.....wish we could cheerlead
you on a la "never give up, never surrender" theme.

But we cannot, for no one knows better than we citizens of SR that there is
no outwitting this enemy....no winning this war.

Don't be so sad.....you get the Kitty and she sounds like a great one!
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Old 08-01-2014, 06:51 PM
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Bella - sorry for your pain - it's going to be a tough road but it will be ok. Keep talking to us - we're all familiar with this - take care of you!
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Old 08-02-2014, 12:33 AM
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bella - so sorry for your pain -
you are a great writer, there is much in your recent post that I will print and keep close.
strong thoughts to you,
b.
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