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Commitment to recovery or just a ploy

Old 07-31-2014, 03:32 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I'm in agreement with everyone else - no need for you to pay for rehab yet again.

In terms of "culminating in heroin addiction and possible (inferred only by a counselor) cocaine use", count on it, she has very likely used it. Non addicts have a hard time believing this, but cocaine is actually a "soft drug" compared to heroin, other opiates, meth or for that matter, alcohol, all of which have much more severe withdrawal symptoms and are more deadly.
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Old 07-31-2014, 11:00 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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......tell her.......
I got this great online friend named Anvilhead2 and
SHE is DYING to supply the necessary funds.......here
is how you get in contact with her!!!

Vale
(fearless)
(correction: I fear only Anvil)
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Old 08-01-2014, 07:01 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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My AD Reached out to her Dad - " pls help me rent a truck to move " - at least she is not dead YET or in jail.....been three weeks almost - how do I handle the call or text if she comes asking for a rental truck??? I don't think I should help as that's more manipulation and enabling - do you guys agree? Should I ignore the call? Pls give me your thoughts?
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Old 08-01-2014, 07:07 PM
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Where is she moving to? What happened to rehab??
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Old 08-01-2014, 07:16 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Suki - just trying to stay prepared for what may or may not come ...... She has to move out by 8-15 of an appt we got her - she has already blown by her naltrexone date so now she is exposed again to heroin - it's just crazy the way we are living here
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Old 08-01-2014, 07:30 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Well, where is she going to put her stuff? I understand you are trying to prepare for every contingency, but that will drive you nuts. At some point, she is going to have to figure out her own life. I know how devastating this is for you. I know your first instinct is to protect her and take care of her. I understand all of that. I've been there, and although it wasn't drugs, it was a daughter who didn't have the first clue about how to take care of herself because she never wanted to grow up and be an adult.

The hardest thing I ever did in my life is allow my daughter to figure things out for herself. It wasn't easy. It was damned hard and I cried and questioned myself and it took all I had in me not to run out and rescue her. We do them no favors when we take care of things they should be able to take care of themselves.

I'm so sorry, amy. I wish I could give you huge, tight hugs right now. She might have to lose a lot in order to finally figure out that she needs to get herself straightened out.
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Old 08-01-2014, 07:43 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Amysad View Post
I just have to do me
Those were the exact words my unemployed 24 year old son who has a drinking problem told me when he was asked to help out around the house and follow the rules under my roof.

My reply, well son go do you someplace else, time for you to take your act on the road.

And I must say I am very proud to hold the title he gave me of being the meanest mother he knows.

Guess I am doing my job correctly!!

Trust your gut and trust what you already know and if she really wants recovery she can find it.

And yes, do you!!!
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Old 08-01-2014, 09:05 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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So do you just ignore the call or respond?
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Old 08-01-2014, 09:30 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Amy, I don't have children and can only imagine how difficult this must be. Do you think it would be helpful to try to decide what your boundary is, then communicate it to her and stick with it? Is your boundary "I will not sacrifice my own financial well being in order to give financial help to an adult child"? "I will not jeopardize my own serenity by rescuing my adult child from the consequences of their actions"? Those are just a couple possible boundaries that might apply in your situation. As far as answering the phone, if she's given to tantrums, then personally I would probably choose to set the boundary quickly, maybe even by e-mail or text, and then turn off my phone. But that's just me! Probably your best guide in these decisions is what will be least stressful for you. Good luck!
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Old 08-01-2014, 09:41 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Amysad View Post
So do you just ignore the call or respond?
Amy, that is a question we cannot answer for you. You have to do whatever you can live with, as do each of us. However, you are starting to recognize manipulation and that's a good thing.
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Old 08-01-2014, 11:26 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Thanks everyone! I'm sure trying!
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Old 08-02-2014, 12:32 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Amysad View Post
You got it Suki - no exaggeration - 6 times and 4 of them never stayed past detox - feel like an idiot that I kept paying the copay
Does your daughter have her own insurance or is she still on your policy? I was wondering about the copay. I personally feel her best chance for good treatment is if she has insurance and can get professional help. You said she has been to 6 rehabs but left 4 after detox.. so she has only been through 2 rehabs through completion. And were these 30 days or longer? I ask because my husband had a pain pill addiction and was inpatient for 90 days, then came home and continued with private therapy. Just over 2 years now & he still keeps his therapist for support when needed. He would not have been ready to come home and go back to work, be ready to cope with life after 30 days... I think he might have relapsed. The best investment we made was in his rehab but there was a lot of research done to pick one that would meet his needs.

Just sharing to maybe keep it in perspective...

Its a very hard decision for parents... so my prayers are with you.
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Old 08-02-2014, 05:21 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Amysad,

What you are doing is very, VERY difficult. If anyone tells you it isn't
then you KNOW they have not been through it.
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Old 08-02-2014, 05:45 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Amy, my heart hurts for you, I know the pain of struggling with what helps and what doesn't. I agree with Suki, do what feels right for you, what you can live with.

She has access to many free resources...meetings and free rehabs are a couple...and if she doesn't reach out then throwing money at the problem won't help.

Keeping you both in my prayers.

Hugs
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Old 08-02-2014, 05:45 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Amy, as the others have said, it wouldn't be right for anybody to tell you what to do. I can tell you what line we finally drew - which is, we love you, we will speak with you (although we haven't spoken in two weeks), and we will support you emotionally, but we will not give you any money.

Now, to be clear, in our AS' case, sometimes we transgress that in that we have to pay for co-pays for anti-rejection, anti-clotting and other medication, or for co-pays for other medically needed procedures related to his liver disease and other disorders. We pay all of those directly to the provider and he doesn't even get a check (he took the checks and "cut and pasted" them to make new ones, which he then used with a bank phone app).

But the bottom line is, other than for the straight-up medical stuff, no money.

His lease on his sub-let expired two days ago and we haven't heard from him, which means (I hope) that he has, in fact, found another place to live. He told our daughter he'd had some job interviews, which is better than he did for the 14 months he lived with us.

I really do think that people act differently when their back is against the wall and they believe it.

Jane
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Old 08-02-2014, 03:19 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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She has insurance but no money for copay - but she isn't there yet in my opinion - the day she puts herself in without having the copay and figures it out in her own will be a turning point for her - she already has run past the time line for her next naltrexone shot so she's already in a lot of trouble. Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers
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Old 08-03-2014, 08:33 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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You wrote: "the day she puts herself in without having the copay and figures it out on her own will be a turning point for her."

The hard thing for me was/is detaching from things that don't seem related to addiction, like a moving truck and storage, but that actually are very related--her addiction is her whole reason for being (a recovered addict told me this recently). At one point, my compartmentalizing her addiction from other problems just kept the fuel tank full for her addiction. If I choose to do anything like that for her these days, she knows it is a very special thing indeed. And it is not easy for me to be seen that way, and yes there have been barbs and anger, but still, it seems to have worked out. She asks me for very little and is very grateful when I offer anything.

It is hard, and as others have said, you can't understand how hard until you've been in our shoes. We are here for you!
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Old 08-03-2014, 08:50 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Thanks GardenMama - your so right ...... I keep thinking of all the " little things" that she might not be able to do for herself which then will fall on me ( ie moving her things out of an appt in my name if she fails to show up and do it ) instead of just planning that it will fall on me so just get it on the schedule, be done with it and NEVER place myself in this end indentured servant role again....... More Drama More Brain BS More same ole same ole.... I'm just not going to let my mind wonder this way - I have to take a stand for me because frankly no one else will
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Old 08-03-2014, 09:07 AM
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(((Amysad)))
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